This is Story About Control

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"Tovarisch Jackson, if you are nasty."

“Tovarisch Jackson, if you are nasty.”

GIVE ME (OPPONENT) TO BEAT!

This is what every college football team qualifying for 2015 Commie Football playoffs is now wanting. Even more, every college football fan is losing breath with anticipation for excitement to know who is champion team.

But as Dzhenet Jackson, famous poet from Indiana SSR, is saying, “let us wait awhile.” Why is wait? Is because in world of Commie Football, superior 16-team playoff to determine TRUE champion of all American college football is schedule in January, many weeks in future.

Is good reason, worthy of long wait! Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to determine final scores of Commie Football playoff games, including final scores of pointless conference championship games (early December) and meaningless bowl games named for corrupt American corporation (late December/early January). Only after this, is then time for Commie Football playoffs.

As reminder, here is review of qualifying playoff teams on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels. Remember, first round is District Championship games:

TIER 1

  • District 1: Connecticut (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia (8-4, #21)
  • District 2: Duke (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson (9-3, #13)
  • District 3: Michigan (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis (8-4, #26)
  • District 4: South Florida (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss (9-3, #7)
  • District 5: Notre Dame (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa (11-1, #2)
  • District 6: Oklahoma (11-1, #1) vs. Houston (8-4, #23)
  • District 7: Utah (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force (8-4, #29)
  • District 8: Washington (9-3, #9) vs. USC (9-3, #6)

TIER 2

  • District 1: Harvard (9-3, #9) vs. Villanova (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: James Madison (10-2, #7) vs. North Carolina A&T (9-3, #12)
  • District 3: South Carolina State (8-4, #27) vs. Georgia Southern (11-1, #3)
  • District 4: Western Kentucky (11-1, #1) vs. Southern Miss (11-1, #2)
  • District 5: Toledo (10-2, #5) vs. Akron (8-4, #28)
  • District 6: South Dakota State (8-4, #26) vs. Southern Illinois (9-3, #15)
  • District 7: Tulane (8-4, #22) vs. McNeese State (11-1, #4)
  • District 8: Wyoming (9-3, #13) vs. San Jose State (10-2, #6)

Is many intriguing matchups, from every region of country. Is best system for all fans of American college football.

Playoff structure is simple. ROUND ONE of playoffs is District Championship game. Ranking in Top Power 25 is not a factor in determination of playoff invitation. To qualify, team must finish at top of division standings. If nyet, then Commie Football is saying to this team – “what is you have done lately for me?”

When I am thinking of Commie Football playoffs, nothing else is seeming to matter… but now I am instructing Intern Kyle to locate more music videos of Dzhenet Jackson on Internet.

Tier 2 Playoffs: Black Tears of Joy

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CSU superfan having name of "Ram Boy" is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy for CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Colorado State superfan “Ram Boy” is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy after CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Like famous Battle of Stalingrad, every Commie Football season is war of attrition. Superior schedule matrix is meaning no team is ever playing mere scrimmage against inferior, cupcake opponent from lower level. Also, no team is ever having lazy “bye week” – a typical American concept. Every game is one small battle in vicious, season-long battle. Is almost impossible to win all! Only very strongest teams is winning enough to advance to playoffs, and there must fight to death, four more brutal opponents on path to championship glory!

Last season, Colorado State is almost advancing to Tier 2 championship, in spite of being low #8 seed. But dream of championship glory is ending in semifinal round, when CSU is losing by only one point to eventual Tier 2 champion North Texas Mean Green. Many CSU fans is upset, thinking it was destiny for team to win title. Then, in offseason, is added indignity of Rams being passed by for promotion to Tier 1 level.

Is making CSU very angry. Thin oxygen level at high Rocky Mountains altitude is turning anger into rage! Success of Rams in 2014 season is forcing all of Tier 2 to fear this team, in resplendent orange and green uniform! All except for Eastern Illinois Panthers, who is upsetting CSU in Week 8. But UMass is no EIU!

r3-t2-1v7 Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Final Score: Colorado State 40, UMass 26
Notes: Like powerful British army at famous Battle of Bunker Hill, CSU is defeating and scattering Minutemen of UMass, who is maybe feeling tired after long playoff travels to Georgia SSR last week, and now Colorado SSR. With superior balance of #5-rank offense and #6-rank defense, Colorado State is winning almost all games this season by safe margin, but nyet, not in flashy, Hollywood manner. Is more modest, like Condoleezza Rice. But then here come red-like-fire Hilltoppers of WKU – new, hot team on scene, bringing rocket-propelled offense to battle in championship game!

r3-t2-3v4Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: San Marcos, TX
Final Score: Western Kentucky 48, Texas State 32
Notes: Hilltoppers of WKU is now latest sensation of college football fans, looking like unstoppable juggernaut with powerful offense growing stronger throughout season! Here is amazing fact – 48 points is lowest number of points WKU is scoring in game since narrow Week 10 victory over Akron. In fact, Hilltoppers is scoring less than 40 points in only four games all season! But here is problem – WKU defense is also giving up many points, losing two close games early in season to Miami Redhawks (Week Two) and Western Michigan (Week Five) and ranking only #57 on defense in all of Tier 2. Can CSU exploit this weakness in championship game?

Intern Bobby is saying...So, this past week we had a problem with the steam-powered server. Basically, all of the steam was like, freezing and messing up the circuits or something. Georgy wakes me up one morning, and is all like “You crawl inside server to fix!” and I’m like, “Yeah, later… can you unlock the food storage chamber so I can make a bowl of that yummy kasha stuff for breakfast”? But of course he WOULDN’T let me eat until I did the stupid gruntwork job. AGAIN.

WHO IS WINNING FINAL BATTLE OF 2014 SEASON? RAM WITH STRONG HORNS, OR SOFT RED BLOB?

On one hand, mountain-living rams is having powerful, hard horns, used for slamming into head of enemy again and again, until brains of enemy is turning to soft kashitsa.

On other hand, big red blob of WKU is already made of soft mush on inside. Maybe hard horn slamming is not making injury, and blob is instead enveloping horns of ram, ingesting slowly, like long, strong zmeya swallowing timid deer, snapping bones and asphyxiating over course of three hours (four if counting television commercials).

She Was American College Football Fan, Raised on Promise

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Here is popular music video performance of Tomas Petty with sometimes music group, Breakers of Heart.

Here is popular music video performance of Tomas Petty with sometimes accompanying music group, Breakers of Heart.

As Tomas Petty, famous poet from Florida SSR, is saying, “Is waiting that is most difficult part.” For fans of Commie Football, is long, cold wait for January, when superior 16-team playoff to determine champion of all American college football is happening.

But is good reason, worthy of long wait! Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to determine final scores of Commie Football playoff games, including final scores of idiotic conference championship games (early December) and meaningless bowl games named after banks and corporations (late December/early January). After this, is then time for Commie Football playoffs.

Here is review of playoff teams on both Tier 1 and Tier 2. Remember, first round is District Championship games:

TIER 1

  • District 1: Temple (10-2, #9) vs. Penn State (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: East Carolina (9-3, #16) vs. Tennessee (9-3, #18)
  • District 3: Notre Dame (11-1, #1) vs. Ohio State (10-2, #4)
  • District 4: Florida State (10-2, #5) vs. Ole Miss (10-2, #6)
  • District 5: Wisconsin (8-4, #22) vs. Iowa (8-4, unranked)
  • District 6: Arkansas (10-2, #7) vs. TCU (10-2, #3)
  • District 7: Oklahoma (8-4, #25) vs. BYU (8-4, #23)
  • District 8: Oregon (10-2, #2) vs. USC (10-2, #8)

TIER 2

  • District 1: UMass (9-3, #11) vs. Villanova (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: Richmond (8-4, unranked) vs. Appalachian State (10-2, #7)
  • District 3: Coastal Carolina (8-4, #24) vs. Georgia Southern (11-1, #3)
  • District 4: Samford (10-2, #8) vs. Tulane (7-5, unranked)
  • District 5: Western Michigan (12-0, #1) vs. Western Kentucky (10-2, #5)
  • District 6: Northern Iowa (9-3, #17) vs. Illinois State (10-2, #6)
  • District 7: Stephen F. Austin (8-4, unranked) vs. Texas State (10-2, #4)
  • District 8Colorado State (11-1, #2) vs. UNLV (9-3, #15)

Is many intriguing matchups, from every region of country. Is best system for all fans of American college football. Some is saying in whining voice, “But this blooows! Iowa ain’t even ranked! And Georgia was like, 9-3 an’ ranked number 10 for pete’s sake! Just because they lost to Tennessee in the final game of the regular season don’t mean they shouldn’t be in the playoffs! GO DAWG—!”

In response, here is two words: blah and blah.

Is simple. To make round one of playoffs, team must qualify for District Championship game. Ranking in Top Power 25 is very interesting, but is not factor in playoff invitation. To qualify, team must finish at top of division standings. If nyet, then is end of istoriya.

Having unranked team in playoff is reminding of other Tomas Petty song, “Even Loser is Sometimes Having Good Luck.”

Week Eight: Irish is Making Smile With Eyes

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Here is image from telecast of famous Irish singer Pavel "Bono" Hewson, wearing very tight leprechaun costume intended for child.

Here is image from telecast of famous Irish singer Pavel “Bono” Hewson, leader of rebel music group named for American “U2″ spy plane. As punishment, is serving 20-year sentence singing Soviet national anthem at beginning of each Notre Dame Fighting Irish football game, while wearing very tight leprechaun costume intended for child.

GOOD LUCK OF NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL TEAM IS MAKING WORKERS OF IRELAND SSR FEEL WITH PRIDE!

Is yet four more games of Commie Football regular season, but is already one team claiming spot in 16-team playoff to determine national champion. This team is unbeaten Fighting Irish of Notre Dame, who is continuing perfect season with 44-29 victory over Red Wolves of Arkansas State in Week Eight. Due to mediocre 6-6 finish in 2013 season for Irish, schedule this season is seeing many slabyy opponents such as Nevada Wolf Pack, SMU, and Red Wolves. In world of Commie Football, schedule is being engineered for most fair competition – if team is having bad season, then is next year playing weaker schedule. Is both punishment and reason for hope.

In weak District 3 North Division, Notre Dame is already defeating both of 4-4 Michigan Wolverines (25-15 in Week Two) and Michigan State Spartans (32-23 in Week Three), so is not possible for other team to win division title. Rest of schedule is looking easy for the Irish, with three games versus weak schools also from Indiana SSR (Hoosiers of Indiana, Purdue, and Ball State) and one *maybe* difficult game against Louisville Cardinals. Can famous luck of Irish make perfect 12-0 record to begin PUACF playoffs? Can Notre Dame leap like lucky leprechaun over Ole Miss Rebels to become #1 rank team on Top Power 25 list? Maybe in Week Nine?

First round playoff opponent of Irish is most likely Ohio State Buckeyes (7-1, #5 Top Power), who is looking like team to beat in District 3 South. In other Districts, playoff contenders leading divisions is remaining same as last week.

True fans of WMU Broncos is traveling many miles on horseback to see football games.

True fans of WMU Broncos is traveling many miles on horseback to see football games. But sometimes roads of Michigan SSR is very muddy. Low attendance is one reason why WMU is playing on Tier 2 this season.

TIER 2: WESTERN MICHIGAN IS BUCKING WAY TO TOP POWER #1 RANK

Is new Tier 2 #1 Top Power team, according to Soviet supercomputer algorithm. This is due to Eastern Illinois Panthers (4-4) making huge upset victory, defeating mighty Colorado State Rams (7-1, #4) by score 30-24. First loss for CSU is dropping Rams three spots in Top Power rank, allowing Western Michigan Broncos (8-0) to buck whole way to #1 position, after destroying North Carolina Central 53-19 to maintain perfect record. WMU is also taking two-game lead in District 5 North Division playoff race.

Other Tier 2 playoff races is remaining same as previous week, with only two different:

  • Yale Bulldogs (7-1, #8 rank) is back on top in District 1 North, due to 32-26 Texas State victory over UMass.
  • In District 4 South, South Alabama Jaguars (5-3, unranked) is taking lead due to Florida Atlantic 25-22 victory over Tulane Green Wave.

If WMU is having very great season, is it guarantee for promotion to Tier 1 in 2015 season? NYET! Is many complex factor involved in promotion and relegation, and you are reading more here.