Tier 2 Playoffs: Black Tears of Joy

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CSU superfan having name of "Ram Boy" is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy for CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Colorado State superfan “Ram Boy” is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy after CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Like famous Battle of Stalingrad, every Commie Football season is war of attrition. Superior schedule matrix is meaning no team is ever playing mere scrimmage against inferior, cupcake opponent from lower level. Also, no team is ever having lazy “bye week” – a typical American concept. Every game is one small battle in vicious, season-long battle. Is almost impossible to win all! Only very strongest teams is winning enough to advance to playoffs, and there must fight to death, four more brutal opponents on path to championship glory!

Last season, Colorado State is almost advancing to Tier 2 championship, in spite of being low #8 seed. But dream of championship glory is ending in semifinal round, when CSU is losing by only one point to eventual Tier 2 champion North Texas Mean Green. Many CSU fans is upset, thinking it was destiny for team to win title. Then, in offseason, is added indignity of Rams being passed by for promotion to Tier 1 level.

Is making CSU very angry. Thin oxygen level at high Rocky Mountains altitude is turning anger into rage! Success of Rams in 2014 season is forcing all of Tier 2 to fear this team, in resplendent orange and green uniform! All except for Eastern Illinois Panthers, who is upsetting CSU in Week 8. But UMass is no EIU!

r3-t2-1v7 Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Final Score: Colorado State 40, UMass 26
Notes: Like powerful British army at famous Battle of Bunker Hill, CSU is defeating and scattering Minutemen of UMass, who is maybe feeling tired after long playoff travels to Georgia SSR last week, and now Colorado SSR. With superior balance of #5-rank offense and #6-rank defense, Colorado State is winning almost all games this season by safe margin, but nyet, not in flashy, Hollywood manner. Is more modest, like Condoleezza Rice. But then here come red-like-fire Hilltoppers of WKU – new, hot team on scene, bringing rocket-propelled offense to battle in championship game!

r3-t2-3v4Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: San Marcos, TX
Final Score: Western Kentucky 48, Texas State 32
Notes: Hilltoppers of WKU is now latest sensation of college football fans, looking like unstoppable juggernaut with powerful offense growing stronger throughout season! Here is amazing fact – 48 points is lowest number of points WKU is scoring in game since narrow Week 10 victory over Akron. In fact, Hilltoppers is scoring less than 40 points in only four games all season! But here is problem – WKU defense is also giving up many points, losing two close games early in season to Miami Redhawks (Week Two) and Western Michigan (Week Five) and ranking only #57 on defense in all of Tier 2. Can CSU exploit this weakness in championship game?

Intern Bobby is saying...So, this past week we had a problem with the steam-powered server. Basically, all of the steam was like, freezing and messing up the circuits or something. Georgy wakes me up one morning, and is all like “You crawl inside server to fix!” and I’m like, “Yeah, later… can you unlock the food storage chamber so I can make a bowl of that yummy kasha stuff for breakfast”? But of course he WOULDN’T let me eat until I did the stupid gruntwork job. AGAIN.

WHO IS WINNING FINAL BATTLE OF 2014 SEASON? RAM WITH STRONG HORNS, OR SOFT RED BLOB?

On one hand, mountain-living rams is having powerful, hard horns, used for slamming into head of enemy again and again, until brains of enemy is turning to soft kashitsa.

On other hand, big red blob of WKU is already made of soft mush on inside. Maybe hard horn slamming is not making injury, and blob is instead enveloping horns of ram, ingesting slowly, like long, strong zmeya swallowing timid deer, snapping bones and asphyxiating over course of three hours (four if counting television commercials).

Playoffs: Two Worlds, On Course for Collision

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National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Travel to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Oregon and Ohio State, so government is providing radio broadcast for fans in Oregon SSR and Ohio SSR, only.

National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Long journey to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Ducks and Buckeyes. As show of goodwill towards American people, Soviet government is providing special radio broadcast, in Russian, for all to hear game.

World of Commie Football is strange, parallel universe, bringing order to former chaotic system of determining American college football champion. Some critic is saying that Commie Football supercomputer is producing impossible result, as when Utah State Aggies is winning 2012 championship. But then, only one season ago, Commie Football supercomputer is crowning same champion (Florida State) as ludicrous BCS system, when Seminoles is narrow defeating Oregon Ducks. After, is more complaints, asking in whining voice – what is this proving, when superior Soviet system is producing same result as terrible, capitalist BCS system?

First, take deep breath. Then slow exhale breath, then TAKE DEEPER BREATH ONCE MORE! NOW SLAP OWN FACE! AGAIN! HARDER! Now stop and continue reading.

Is simple. Even corrupt capitalist system, such as nonsense NCAA, is sometimes having good luck. Either this, or obvious one team is true best team in all worlds of college football.

Sometimes, stupid American system for deciding college champion – whether AP poll, BCS, CFP – is having lucky streak, two years consecutive! Is long way to say – this season, advanced Commie Football algorithm is finding same two teams in championship game as flawed College Football Playoff system! Drisnya! In the name of Condoleezza!

r3-t1-rosebowl

Game: Rose Bowl
Location: Pasadena, CA
Final Score: Oregon 32, Ole Miss 25
Notes: Last season, Oregon is losing championship game to Florida State by only one point. During offseason, fans of Ducks is not sleeping, rolling over on hay mattress again and again, making many trips to outdoor latrine with only one thought – why is this team, which is so good for entire regular season, failing to win championship?

This season, Ducks is experiencing early frustration – beating darlings of 2013 Louisville and Boston College, but also losing to bitter District 8 rivals, Cal Golden Bears and UCLA. Then, beginning in Week Six, Oregon is resembling MiG fighter jet on secret KGB mission – to shoot down and destroy all enemies and fly to top of Top Power 25 rankings AGAIN! Mission is success so far – Oregon is once again advancing to national championship game, this time to play Ohio State, to determine true champion of all college football.

r3-t1-fiestabowl

Game: Fiesta Bowl
Location: Glendale, AZ
Final Score: Ohio State 32, TCU 31
Notes: In most exciting contest of playoff semifinal round, Ohio State is defeating tough TCU by only one point, to advance to championship game against top-seed Oregon Ducks. Why is Buckeyes proving too hard of nut for Horned Frogs to puncture? Soviet supercomputer is finding that in order to win this game, top-rank offense and #4-rank defense of Buckeyes is needing every milligram of strength to defeat TCU, who is also bringing powerful balance of offense (#4) and defense (#10), and also #1 in perception of disrespect!

Even in defeat, fans of Horned Frogs is proud – team is rising from mediocre 6-6 team last season, making Commie Football playoffs for first time, almost advancing to championship game! Is perhaps good enough in ESPN world, but not Commie Football. Do svidaniya, Horned Frogs!

In day or two, we are telling what is happening on Tier 2 semifinal games.

Return next week to find out WHO IS HAVING BIGGEST O!

Tier 2 Playoffs: Who is Most Patriot? Minuteman or Eagle?

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During American Revolution War of old times, "minutemen" soldiers, led by legendary patriot Pavel Revere, is defending Massachusetts SSR from imperial armies of Great Britain. Later, is releasing punk rock music album "Double Kopeyki on the Ruble."

During American Revolution War many years ago, “minutemen” soldiers, led by legendary patriot Pavel Revere, is defending Massachusetts SSR from British imperial army. Later, is releasing influential punk rock music album “Double Kopeyki on the Ruble.”

Is peculiar custom of American sports team to choose nickname of patriotic symbol: Eagles, Patriots, Yankees, Generals, Bullets, Minutemen, 76ers, Independence, Freedom, Liberty, Pursuit of Happiness….

Okay, last name on list is not nickname of sports team (that KGB is yet finding). But is accurate description of cliché American motivation. Other word with same meaning is “selfishness.” When he is writing Declaration of Independence, stupid Tomas Jefferson is writing wrong words. Should be “life, liberty, and pursuit of whining like hungry piglet!”

After Soviet takeover of America, is debate behind Kremlin walls of changing American college football team nicknames to better reflect new world order. Central committee is making list of acceptable nicknames: Reds, Redbirds, Red Socks, Big Red, Red Wolves, Bears, Crimson Tide, Miners, Hammers, Sickles, Cornhuskers. But is too many teams. Ultimate decision is to allow existing nicknames, as gesture of kindness to ungrateful American people. Also, holodets (meat jello) with pickled cabbage is now only snack available at stadiums.

As in Tier 1 playoffs, quarterfinal round of Tier 2 playoffs is finding most higher-seed teams winning. Only exception is surprise upset victory by UMass Minutemen over #2 Top Power rank Georgia Southern Eagles. Is similar to when Georgy Washington is killing last bald eagle living in Pennsylvania SSR, to roast over fire at Valley Forge and eat by self, while common soldiers of lower rank is freezing, starving, and dying in brutal winter conditions.

Here is ROUND 2 results of 2014 Tier 2 playoffs:

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Final Score: Colorado State 34, Tulane 20
Notes: With superior balance on offense and defense, top-ranked CSU is making relative easy victory over Tulane Green Wave. But Tulane is performing better than expectation in playoffs, finally climbing into Top Power 25. Rams is now advancing to Tier 2 semifinal round, for second season consecutive. Perhaps next year, Colorado State is taking resplendent green and orange uniform to Tier 1 level? But first, can Rams beat UMass this week?

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Statesboro, GA
Final Score: UMass 37, Georgia Southern 30
Notes: In biggest upset of playoffs Round 2, Minutemen is traveling south into enemy territory and defeating opponent who is spending entire season in Tier 2 Top Power 10 ranking. Minutemen defense is even match with GSU offense, but in end, UMass offense is proving better than Eagles defense, and UMass is taking muskets to next round, to face top-seed Colorado State Rams.

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: San Marcos, TX
Final Score: Texas State 39, Appalachian State 29
Notes: In match of top-10 offenses, Bobcats is showing superior firepower. Texas State is climbing to #2 Top Power rank for second time this season, while Appalachian State is returning to mountains to drown sorrows in illegal homemade alcohol. KGB is eventual finding, raiding, and arresting suspects. Texas State is next facing Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky in semifinal Round 3.

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Bowling Green, KY
Final Score: Western Kentucky 60, Illinois State 25
Notes: Hilltoppers is following epic takedown of top-ranked Western Michigan in Round 1 with utter destruction of Illinois State Redbirds in Round 2. With top-ranked offense in Tier 2, WKU is proving to perhaps be surprise, most-dangerous team remaining in playoffs. But is Hilltoppers also having foot of Achilles in weak, #57-rank defense? Texas State is finding out in Round 3.

Intern Bobby is saying...OMG, speaking of soldiers starving at Valley Forge, I’m like, soooo hungry since I woke up from the hyperbaric sleep chamber. I think the super-rich oxygen like, messed with my metabolism or something, because I have this GIGANTIC appetite. Every day, I’m like OUTTA MY WAY, I’M EATING ALL OF THE EMERGENCY STORES, but Georgy got all weird and angry about it, and now he’s making me ration. I told him (jokingly) that he would have to like, put a padlock on the food storage chamber doors. But then he totally did, and now I’m all like, “ughhhh” and back to eating slices of potato skin that I soak in the hot tub (because the water adds a kinda salty taste) and roast in the furnace.

ROUND 3 OF PLAYOFFS IS FINAL FOUR!

Here is schedule for Round 3 semifinals of Tier 2 playoffs:

  • (1) Colorado State (13-1, #1) vs.
    (7) UMass (11-3, #6)
  • (3) Texas State (12-2, #2) vs.
    (4) Western Kentucky (12-2, #3)

Is good semifinal schedule. Is shame #4 seed Georgia Southern Eagles is losing. But remember, many Tier 2 teams is possible for promotion to Tier 1 next season, even if losing in playoffs. Is also possible for champion team, like 2013 North Texas Mean Green, to not qualify for promotion, if fans is not attending game in sufficient numbers.

Playoffs Round 2: Is Surviving of Fittest

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If you are understanding "survival of fittest" theory of evolution by Kharl Darwin, then you are understanding why Commie Football is killing and replacing weak College Football Playoff system.

If you are understanding “survival of fittest” theory of evolution by Soviet scientist Kharl Darwin, then you are understanding why Commie Football is eventual eating and making srat of weak, inferior College Football Playoff system.

REBS, DUCKS, FROGS, AND NUTS IS YET LIVING. ALL OTHER TEAMS IS EXTINCT. 

World of Commie Football is holding many surprises for American college football fan. Superior organization, schedule, and playoff system is meaning only true, strongest teams is advancing, while impostor teams is returning to home university campus to weep in communal shower room, located in cold, hard basement level of dormitory tower, when water is available.

In old BCS and CFP systems, many times inferior, impostor team is making to top of opinion poll with easy, cupcake schedule and influence of booster collective, who is paying many dollars to pollsters of AP, in order to secure vote. If pollster is not accepting of bribe money, he is sudden disappearing, like Leon Trotsky.

And yet, sometimes in rare case, such as 2013, Commie Football is declaring same champion as in corrupt BCS/CFP system. Perhaps this is true, natural order, as in famous teachings of Kharl Darwin! Is yet possible this season also, as all four games of Round 2 is won by team with highest seed.

r2-t1-alohabowl

Game: Aloha Bowl
Location: Honolulu, HI
Final Score: Oregon 41, Oklahoma 27
Notes: Top-ranked Ducks is utilizing powerful offense to destroy resistance of weak Sooners defense. Oklahoma is also scoring points, but object of game is to finish with more than opponent. Overall, is good season for Sooners, who is making strong return to playoffs. But is Oregon advancing now to Round 3 (final four teams) for second season, consecutive to meet #1-rank defense of Ole Miss Rebels.

r2-t1-cottonbowl

Game: Cotton Bowl
Location: Arlington, TX
Final Score: TCU 39, Wisconsin 20
Notes: Horned Frogs is suffering from historical lack of respect, first from other, more powerful college football teams in Texas SSR, then from administrative districts across entire American continent. Many is making gesture of insult at strange, amphibian mascot. Yet now, is Frogs who are hopping up and down, stabbing soft belly of enemy with sharp horns! Is very best example of American expression “hopping mad”! Badgers and TCU is having amazing same-ranking of defense, but superior offense of TCU is winning game. Next week, can sharp horn of TCU frog make puncture wound into hard shell of Ohio State Buckeye nut?

r2-t1-peachbowl

Game: Peach Bowl
Location: Atlanta, GA
Final Score: Ohio State 39, Tennessee 20
Notes: Buckeyes is taking risk, choosing playoff game location in city close to homeland of Vols. By end of game, stadium is wearing more red than orange, showing support for both OSU (and Mother Russia). Tennessee is simply not good enough to defeat top offense and #4-rank defense from land with two circular sides and elevated middle. Buckeyes is next to face angry-from-perception-of-disrespect TCU Horned Frogs.

r2-t1-sugarbowl

Game: Sugar Bowl
Location: New Orleans, LA
Final Score: Ole Miss 29, Penn State 17
Notes: Is maybe not revenge obshchiy for losing old American Civil War, but Rebels of Ole Miss is returning to land of cotton with northern Nittany Lion tail in hand. Top-rank defense of Ole Miss is smothering weak Penn State offense, and “rebel yell” of fans is making pain in ears of PSU coaches, just like in old song by William Idol.

 

ROUND 3: SEMIFINALS (SOME IS CONFUSING CALLING “FINAL FOUR”)

Is interesting that final four teams in Tier 1 playoff is all having same 12-2 record. Commie Football playoff is ideal system, where superior team is always rising to next level. Is not sentimental television commercial for weak American beer, tasting like water used for washing of dirty botinok! Here is Round 3 schedule:

  • (1) Oregon (12-2, #1) vs. (4) Ole Miss (12-2, #4) – Rose Bowl
  • (2) TCU (12-2, #2) vs. (3) Ohio State (12-2, #3) – Fiesta Bowl

In next day or two, you are visiting website to learn fate of teams playing in second round of Tier 2 playoffs.

Never Forget, Is Also Tier 2 Playoffs!

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With 52-37 upset victory over unbeaten Western Michigan in first round of Tier 2 playoffs, Western Kentucky is finally avenging disrespect of mascot Big Red.

With 52-37 upset victory over unbeaten Western Michigan in first round of Tier 2 playoffs, Western Kentucky is finally avenging disrespect of mascot Big Red.

IS INCLUDE MANY EMOTION, LIKE THRILL OF VICTORY, GRIEF OF DEFEAT, AND REVENGE OF OLD FEUD

Is also very exciting American college football playoff games on Tier 2 level. Only difference from Tier 1 playoffs is this: Round 1 (District Championship) game is playing at home stadium of team with better record. Some is liking this better than travel to glamorous location, such as Aloha Bowl in Hawaii SSR.

But many is asking if Commie Football season is too long. I am hearing every day in whining American accent (okay, is Intern Bobby), “But when’s it going to be oooo-ver? And what about the student-ATHletes? You know, STOODENT-athletes? Like, when do they have time to go to CLASS even?”

Is stupid questions. In Commie Football, only 16 of 96 teams is making playoffs on each Tier. So instead of play in meaningless bowl game in Florida SSR or Bahamas SSR, most student-athletes is returning to old pile of hay in university dormitory, sharing sliced, raw skin of potato, and watching playoff games on small communal television.

Here is results of ROUND 1 of 2014 Tier 2 playoffs:

r1-t2-d1District: 1
Location: Amherst, MA
Final Score: UMass 47, Villanova 23
Notes: Embarrassing Week 12 loss to Brown is waking up UMass, who is then pummeling Wildcats of Villanova to win District 1 Championship. Is showing good balance this season of offense and defense, but is maybe flying under radar in weak District? Minutemen is next facing tough Georgia Southern in Round 2 of playoffs.

r1-t2-d2 District: 2
Location: Boone, NC
Final Score: Appalachian State 33, Richmond 25
Notes: Appalachian State is returning to winning ways this season, beating Spiders of Richmond for second time in four weeks to claim District 2 crown. Mountaineers look only so-so with offense and defense statistics, while Spiders is mere stumbling into playoffs from weak division. Since consecutive losses to New Mexico Lobos (Week 4) and weak Liberty Flames (Week 5), Mountaineers is winning eight games consecutive, and is facing dangerous Texas State Bobcats in Round 2.

r1-t2-d3 District: 3
Location: Statesboro, GA
Final Score: Georgia Southern 44, Coastal Carolina 25
Notes: High-power offense of Georgia Southern is carrying team to victory against mediocre Chanticleers of Coastal Carolina, who is ending season with three-game losing streak and not even in Top Power 25. Eagles is suffering only one loss in Week 11 to Appalachian State, and is carrying strong momentum to battle UMass in Round 2 of playoffs.

r1-t2-d4 District: 4
Location: Homewood, AL
Final Score: Tulane 41, Samford 18
Notes: Last season, Tulane Green Wave is losing close District 6 Championship game to North Dakota State. This season, team is playing good-enough defense to survive difficult schedule and sneak into playoffs, unranked. Surprise Samford is climbing as high as #3 Top Power rank while opening season 9-0, but is beating many weak teams and eventual losing to Troy (Week 10) and Chattanooga (Week 12), so maybe Bulldogs is not possessing critical skills for playoff competition. Green Wave is making playoff victory look easy, even in visitor stadium. But will not be so easy in Round 2 vs. top-ranked Colorado State.

r1-t2-d5 District: 5
Location: Kalamazoo, MI
Final Score: Western Kentucky 52, Western Michigan 37
Notes: All America is yet trying to understand upset of top-ranked, unbeaten Western Michigan! Hilltoppers of WKU is demonstrating angry explosion of #1-rank offense, now winning every game since intense 31-29 loss to WMU (Week 5), and also avenging famous incident involving brutal attack at WKU mascot Big Red. For Broncos, is sudden, disappointing end to exciting season. Sad WMU fans is now turning hope to promotion to Tier 1 for 2015 season. But for WKU fans, dream of championship glory is to continue next week in Round 2 playoff game vs. Illinois State.

r1-t2-d6 District: 6
Location: Normal, IL
Final Score: Illinois State 41, Northern Iowa 21
Notes: Illinois State is rising from obscure corner of Tier 2 this season to slowly climb Top Power 25 ranking, and eventual win strong-like-cold-steel District 6 with #1-rank overall defense. Northern Iowa is also enjoying surprise playoff run, winning division over perennial power North Dakota State, but Panthers offense is no match for ISU. Road for Redbirds is becoming more difficult in Round 2 vs. Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky – when #1 offense is meeting #1 defense in battle for all ages!

r1-t2-d7 District: 7
Location: San Marcos, TX
Final Score: Texas State 60, Stephen F. Austin 22
Notes: Texas State is emerging from three-team dogfight with UTEP and New Mexico Lobos to claim West division title, and also slaying other Texas SSR school, Stephen F. Austin two times this season. SFA is like little brother wanting to enter hard drug trade to idolize older brother, but is instead being beaten by #2 offense of older brother for own good, as strange show of love. And yet, proud Lumberjacks is accomplish rare feat this season – starting as #12 seed in District to make to championship game. Bobcats is climbing as high as #2 Top Power rank this season, losing only to tough Lobos and Louisiana-Monroe, and is facing Appalachian State in Round 2 of playoffs.

r1-t2-d8District: 8
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Final Score: Colorado State 39, UNLV 29
Notes: Colorado State, in resplendid orange-and-green uniform of old times, is playing like team on critical KGB mission. Last season, Rams is sneaking into Tier 2 playoffs, surprise winning District title over UNLV, surprise upsetting top-seed North Dakota State, and almost surprise beating eventual champion North Texas in Final Four game. This season, is different – Rams is now #1 Top Power rank after repeat beating of UNLV in District 8 Championship. CSU is having very good offense and defense, and playing very difficult schedule, taking down UNLV Rebel team that is even better than last season. CSU will now face lowest-seed Tulane in Round 2 of playoffs. What if history is repeating from last year, only with CSU losing to lowest-seed team? This is irony, da?

Intern Bobby is saying...Blegh. So I’ve been like, *super* groggy and out-of-it ever since Georgy put me to sleep in that hyperbolic chamber thing. I don’t even know how many days I was in there, but it was definitely more than two. AND I’m missing a front tooth! But, Georgy showed me the surveillance tape and it was definitely my own klutzy fault. I told Georgy to erase it, but he’s all like, “Nyet, I will enter into American Funny Home Video competition on television.” I don’t know. It’d kind of be cool to be famous, I guess.

PREPARE FOR ROUND TWO OF PLAYOFFS

Here is schedule for Tier 2/Round 2 playoffs:

  • (1) Colorado State (12-1, #1) vs.
    (8) Tulane (8-5, #20)
  • (2) Georgia Southern (12-1, #2) vs.
    (7) UMass (10-3, #8)
  • (3) Texas State (11-2, #4) vs.
    (6) Appalachian State (11-2, #7)
  • (4) Western Kentucky (11-2, #5) vs.
    (5) Illinois State (11-2, #6)

Look at this schedule. Then, wipe drool from mouth. I am saying this to Intern Bobby often, due to missing tooth and always-running, disgusting drool from mouth.