Week Two: Who is Singing American Blues Song?

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Here is story in newspaper about famous American blues singer Bo Diddley, who is performing most famous composition "John B. Good" using only Russian balalaika.

Here is story in newspaper about famous American blues singer Bo Diddley, who is performing most famous composition “Ivan B. Goode” using only Russian balalaika.

Early weeks of American college football season is confusing time, when fan is sometimes seeing unexpected upset of strong team, defeated by weak team. This is because strong team is playing at so-so, instead of elite, level in early games, and is also maybe scheduling weak, cupcake team from different tier. This is hurting results in Commie Football supercomputer.

Ducks of Oregon and Crimson Tide of Alabama is two teams always near very top of Top Power ranking. They are maybe thinking same as many, lazy American that it is destiny or will of capitalist God to be in hunt for playoffs every season!

Week Two of 2014 Commie Football season is reminder game to both teams that for every game on schedule, is important for giving maximum performance! Oregon is losing with embarrassment to Golden Bears of California 29-25, and Crimson Tide is falling 26-23 to weak Memphis Tigers, a team only playing on Tier 1 level for first time this season following promotion! Metropolis of Memphis is mythical home of American blues music genre. This is why all of Alabama SSR (and Oregon SSR) is now singing American blues song.

Here is other news following Week Two schedule:

District 1: Temple Owls (2-0) is surprise all alone at top of North Division after upset 22-14 victory over Rutgers (0-2). Penn State (2-0) is taking dermo on archrival Pitt (1-1), 32-15. West Virginia and Cavaliers of Virginia is also remain unbeaten.

District 2: Gamecocks of South Carolina (1-1) is proving might to Georgia Bulldogs (1-1), winning by 38-35 final score. “Unbeaten Kentucky” is phrase I am surprised to be typing, but Wildcats are winning big 53-28 vs. Georgia Tech (0-2). NC State (2-0) is other unbeaten team in District, after defeating Virginia Tech 39-19.

Is week of blowout victory in District 3, where Buckeyes of Ohio State (1-1) is destroying Kent State Golden Flashes by 66-0 score. Also looking like contender is Bowling Green Falcons (1-1), following 63-24 victory over Ball State. Thundering Herd of Marshall (1-1) is also scoring many points in 56-21 victory over surprising bad Cincinnati Bearcats (0-2). Only unbeaten team in District is Notre Dame, after 25-15 victory over Michigan Wolverines (0-2).

All District 4 is feeling shock after huge 26-23 upset of Memphis Tigers (2-0)  beating Alabama (0-2). Auburn (2-0) is taking Florida Gators (1-1) by tail with 34-29 victory. Ole Miss (2-0) is raising all eyebrows after scoring 59 points in victory over Vandy (0-2). In East Division, is of course Florida State and LSU both unbeaten.

District 5: Huskies of Northern Illinois (1-1) is feeling with confidence as best team in Illinois SSR, but Fighting Illini (1-1) is having different opinion, and is winning 44-34. Hawkeyes of Iowa is only unbeaten team left in District, following narrow 25-23 victory over Kansas Jayhawks (0-2).

District 6: Texas A&M Aggies (2-) is defeating archrival Longhorns of Texas (1-1) by score of 29-13. Baylor Bears (2-0) is continuing with strong look, showing newcoming UTSA (1-1) who is boss of Texas SSR, 38-27. SMU (0-2) is somehow scoring 4 points in loss to rival TCU Horned Frogs (1-1).

In District 7, Oklahoma State (1-1) is maybe being little bit bully toward in-state cousin Tulsa Golden Hurricane, with sickening 72-11 victory. Utah State Aggies is still showing that 2012 championship victory is not fluke, is beating rival Utah Utes 36-31. In bragging right game of Arizona SSR, it is Sun Devils of ASU (1-1) defeating Arizona Wildcats (1-1) 33-29 and plundering glorious Territorial Cup to Tempe.

Biggest news from District 8 is defeat of Oregon Ducks (1-1) by Golden Bears of California, who is now surprise 2-0. Outcomes of other games is how you are maybe expecting. Is yet six unbeaten teams in District.

WHAT IS HAPPENING ON TIER 2? Is also many good and surprise games on Tier 2 in Week Two. But is still early in season, is no Ivy League games yet for supercomputer data, is no Top Power rankings yet released, and results is maybe to be ingested with pebble of salt.

A few things: Florida A&M (1-1) is finally snapping 13-game streak of losing with 25-22 victory over rival Bethune-Cookman (0-2). Eastern Illinois (0-2) who was surprise power team last season, is losing 36-7 to Missouri State. New relegated team Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks (1-1) is looking bad in 21-12 loss to Stephen F. Austin (2-0).

FACT THAT IS FOR HAVING FUN: 1960 album Bo Diddley is a Gunslinger is evidence of underground sympathy against government, and is primary crime for which Bo Diddley is later dying in Siberian gulag.

Week One: Is Many Big Bangs

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wk1-many-big-bangsIn old times of NCAA, all American college football teams is playing cupcake opponent in first week (or more) of season. Many teams at top FBS level is then bragging about undefeated record and fans is thinking this team is for destiny to be BCS champion! As season is progressing, undefeated teams is having argument about who is best ranking, because teams is never playing game against each other until executives for bowl game named after corporation is thinking they are making many rubles for certain teams to meet in this game on television.

In Commie Football, innovative schedule formula is set in iron, is making top Tier 1 teams from previous season play other strong teams, one following another. Such thing as easy cupcake game is not existing! Every week is tough game against Tier 1 opponent, and only true strongest team is winning Division, plus four playoff games against top opponents, to win championship. Only cupcake is at championship meal after season. Is customary reward for head coach of winning team to eat (if there is available sugar).


OMG. So I’m *psyched* that the season has finally started! Especially because Georgy had me doing all of this weird stuff – gathering wood, digging potatoes, polishing his bayonet collection, etc. and I was all like “What does this have to do with football?” and he’s like “You are seeing this American movie – Karate Kid? Comrade Miyagi?” And I’m like, “Old man - that movie was made before I was even BORN!” I mean, who am I? Like, Nostradamus?! Anyway, I was always pretty good at math, so I’m helping Georgy with all of his “secret spreadsheets”. Oh, and I also started whittling. Peace out!




Is very difficult for Commie Football champion to repeat two years consecutive. 2013 champion Seminoles of Florida State is continuing as strong team in Week One of 2014 season, but Utah State Aggies, only two seasons later from glorious 2012 Commie Football championship, is now being destroyed 41-5 by Florida Gators in opening week. Here is other highlights of top teams from last season on Week One Scoreboard:

  • Florida State 35, Oklahoma State 26
  • Oregon 39, Louisville 26
  • Oklahoma 31, Alabama 21
  • Auburn 40, Boise State 19
  • Georgia 40, Connecticut 15
  • Texas A&M 36, Northwestern 18
  • Baylor 41, Missouri 13
  • USC 20, Ohio State 18
  • LSU 23, Wisconsin 16
  • Virginia Tech 24, Boston College 18
  • UCLA 33, Michigan State 26
  • Stanford 23, Michigan 9

You are finding complete Week One scoreboard at this link. Well… is almost complete scoreboard.


Commie Football scoreboard is based on complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm, but supercomputer is requiring proper data (and many pieces of firewood) for program to make proper calculation. When temperature outside is too dangerous cold for gathering of firewood, Intern Bobby is chopping up wooden furniture to feed to supercomputer. But when few teams, for example Cincinnati Bearcats (Tier 1, District 3) and all Ivy League teams on Tier 2, is not playing any football games yet, is impossible for computer to crunch these numbers. When all teams are playing games, then supercomputer is having proper data and all old game scores is then being calculated.


Soviet supercomputer is also needing complete data for making Top Power calculation. Is only idiot who is making rankings of best teams, following first game of new season.

2014 Season is Around Next Corner

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Is Seminoles of FSU vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys clash happening already in past, or in near future? Commie Football is bending rules of both time and space.

Is Seminoles of FSU vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys clash happening already in past, or in near future? Commie Football is bending rules of both time and space.

Many readers is writing e-mails and sending message by pigeon, asking where is Week One scores for 2014 Commie Football season. Many is fan of defending champion Florida State Seminoles or Tigers of LSU, and is excited to see same score on Commie Football scoreboard as is appearing on ESPN website.

Here is thing – Commie Football is very maximum difficult 12-game schedule because is not having, as in old NCAA system, what Americans is calling “bye week”. In truth, bye week is false name for “vacation week” or “sit-around-on-fat-popka” week! Is peculiar American cultural trait - taking lazy road, as in American concept of “half-hour lunch break” or “8-hour workday” or “long weekend off for national holiday, with full payment” or “extended sick leave, due to workplace injury”.

After Communist takeover, then America is learning meaning of what is true, never-ending, hard work! As best example, American college football players is playing grueling 12 games in row, 12 consecutive week schedule, and then only if good enough, is playing even more playoff games! No bye week during regular season!

Last 2013 season, Commie Football Week One is same as NCAA schedule. Problem is then, Commie Football regular season is ending much earlier than NCAA schedule, which is fat like pregnant pig with lazy, American-style bye weeks. This year is slight adjustment, so Commie Football is starting next week. But is having a “murderer’s row” (leave it to American to make murder sound like good thing!) of hi-quality matchups between marquee football programs on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels.

Fans of FSU Seminoles and Tigers of LSU is thinking probably, “Well, how-dee! This just means our FSU boys will plum lay another WHUPPIN’ on them Cowboys from Okla-HO-MY-A!” In Commie Football, this is depending. Soviet supercomputer is creating new algorithm for calculating results of first and second games into one Commie Football game. So then, perhaps in Commie Football parallel world, it is Oklahoma State and Wisconsin Badgers who are emerging as true victors?


Some readers is asking for refreshing course on how Commie Football is functioning. You are remembering how old American system of college football is working poorly, and why it is having many stupid problem, da?

New Commie Football system is fixing all old problems with NCAA/BCS/CFP/CIA through simple system of logic:

  1. Organize all teams based on geographic region of school;
  2. Most fair-to-all, best-quality schedule for every team;
  3. Best system for determining champion (here is hint – is PLAYOFF!).

Oh, and on the top of all three things – PROMOTION and RELEGATION of best and worst teams between different Tiers, to be ensuring good competition every season. This is followed by small yearly REALIGNMENT to ensure best geographic distribution.

Is perhaps second-greatest invention for American college football of all time.

This is because #1 greatest invention of all time is INVENTION OF AMERICAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL!


Commie Football is system now entering third season on Internet. Is idea that is ahead of time, yes. But rest of world is slowly discovering what is special about idea. As evidence, here is article on Land-Grant Holy Land website that is proposing similar system of organization, plus promotion and relegation of college football teams. However, article is misleading capitalist propaganda, because is not discussing origin of such system, from original teachings of Marx and Engels.

Workers of Every American College Football Team, Unite!

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Unite! Trade union for American college football players! More  potatoes  for hungry athletes!

Unite! Trade union for American college football players! More potatoes for hungry athletes!

Is much discontent at American universities over question of paying money to student-athletes on college football teams. American college football is big business. Is making many rubles for universities (top officials, especially) and television executives, and bringing much entertainment to common, proletariat fans all over country and world.

So what is problem?

Problem is for student-athletes, who da, are attending university in exchange for playing football, but are also seeing university athletic director, assistant coach, and television executive making many hundreds, thousands, millions of rubles from game, all while players are eating simple meal of cold Tyurya in shared kitchen of student dormitory built in 1970s!

Many is agreeing this is unfair deal. Best star player is appearing on university propaganda without receiving payment. Players at big programs is spending many more hours on football training than on academic studies, and this is true expectation of university!

This is question: is college football player more like student, or employee? Or is something in middle, like student who is also receiving payment from university? You are calling this “work-study” or “internship” at American university, da? I am just lear–

Intern Bobby is saying...[Hey everyone - Robert here (aka "Bobby the Intern" lol!) I taught Georgy ALL ABOUT internships, co-ops, work-study, etc. Not that I ever *had* to do work-study, but I still know what it is. I actually didn't even know about internships until I took this one. Thing is, all the money here has like, the Greek alphabet or Arabic or whatever written all over it, so I have no idea how much I'm actually getting paid so far. Whatevs, it's all cool (and very, very cold!) here in Somewhere, Russia. Anyway - don't miss the action over on Twitter!]

As was saying, previous to interruption from Intern Bobby…

Players at Northwestern University is becoming first group to attempt to organize labor union, so this group can negotiate many benefits and protections for players.

NCAA is then suggesting special rules for “Power 5” conferences, so that these big-time schools can purchase more luxuries for athletes, so these players are feeling more special to football players at smaller programs. Is simple bribe.

University officials and NCAA are afraid when workers is organizing. Is meaning fewer rubles for pockets of top officials. Current system is very good for athletic director and NCAA bol’shaya shiska! When proletariat is taking back power, this is revolution, and is always meaning trouble for former, how do you say… “top dog”?

History of college football under NCAA is history of oppression! NCAA says it is boss of conferences. Conference says it is boss of member schools. School says it is boss of football coaches. Coach says he is boss of players. NYET! True power is down there, at lowest level! If basement level of apartment tower block is wanting to shake in Russian Far East earthquake, then every floor of apartment tower block is also shaking!

To see future of American college football, you are only having to look in history book of past. What is happening if all American college football player is going on general strike? No football playing on Saturday? In certain sectors, such as Alabama SSR or Texas SSR, this is leading to violent uprising, perhaps even attempt to overthrow government!

Humble potato is good food. Is similar shape to American football.

Humble potato is good food. Is similar shape to American football.

That is why here, exclusive to Commie Football, is simple NCAA-proposal for solution of union rules for all college football players. Is good solution, because is addressing critical problem of hungry athletes:

  1. If player name/image is being embroidered into banner, babushka, or decorative wall hanging – player is earning one potato.
  2. If player name/image is being used by university for promotion of football games or university propaganda – player is earning two potatoes.
  3. If player name/image is being used in video entertainment game for lazy youths – player is earning three potatoes.
  4. If player name/image is being used as one figurine in souvenir Russian nesting doll, player is earning four potatoes.
  5. Players is collecting potatoes at end of season, to eat at ceremonial meal marking continuation of winter for many more weeks.
  6. If there is shortage of potatoes, best substitute is cabbage. Players will not notice difference.

Speaking of potato, I am almost forgetting to dig one for Bobby to eat for his next breakfast, in two days’ time.

Introducing of Intern Bobby

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Here is recent photo of Comrade Bob Bob, when he is Komsomol member.

HERE IS RECENT PHOTO OF INTERN BOBBY. [Psst... hey, this is Robert. The intern. This is totally not a picture of me! (Obvs.) Georgy is all like, freaking OUT about being anonymous on the web, or whatever. I said he could pick my alter ego and he goes, "here is you."]

As Commie Football site is preparing for soon-to-begin 2014 season, is important for keeping enough man staffing Commie Football World Wide Web properties.

As is such, this blog is to introduce reader to new Commie Football intern. Is native-born American university student by full name of Robert R. Roberts III, who is now having new nickname as “Intern Bobby.” Here he is introducing:

Hey “Commie Football” fans! It’s great to be here in Russia! Seriously a LONG flight. I do typically go by Robert, btw.

So… my original internship with Abercrombie didn’t pan out. Good news is a friend-of-a-friend got me this gig. Working at a startup looks REALLY good on my résumé, you know? And studying abroad is like, sooo rewarding. I supposedly have some Russian on my mother’s side or something, so this seems like a solid opportunity. And if this site ever goes viral or whatever, I think that means I could like, potentially cash in? So I’m SUPER-psyched. Pretty easy so far. Except for the jet lag!

A little bit about me. I’m a rising Junior at Harvard, and even though I’m all *WTF* to see my Crimsons categorized on “Tier 2” (I mean, when is Harvard NOT considered Tier 1? lol), I am looking forward to this internship, and I hope to learn a lot more about football! Or maybe even  communism, maybe? I’m already learning about how cold it is here! I need one of those furry hats, right? ;)

Anyway, Georgy says he wants me to help out with his Twitter. First we have to figure out the login/pw because he forgot it! Gotta rock those tweets! ttyl

Please say kind things to Intern Bobby on Commie Football Twitter page. Is only boy and is just now learning about difficult world. First lesson is bringing me hot cup of tea!