2014 Champions is Perhaps Not Surprise

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With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

TIER 1 CHAMPION IN ALL WORLDS: OHIO STATE BUCKEYES

Pozdravlyayu to the Buckeyes of Ohio State, champion of the 2014 college football season – in all worlds, including Commie Football! Ohio State is dominating Oregon Ducks 42-20 in Commie Orange Bowl championship game, to end season bathing n eternal glory.

Perhaps this is not surprise. Da, this is second season consecutive in which Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is awarding championship to same team as nonsense system supported by corrupt NCAA. Many fans is asking – what is it meaning when superior Soviet system is producing same result as evil, capitalist system? Some are even saying in whiny voice, “But I liked it better when Commie Football crowned like, a totally random team, like when Utah State won the championship in 2012.”

Is typical American response. Is nobody happy when “surprise” team wins? And is nobody happy when “expected” team wins also?!

Look at weakness of current College Football Playoff system. Committee of idiot judges (except Condoleezza, of course) is picking four teams to appear in playoff. Ohio State is almost not included, due to player injuries, personal bias, and socio-political interest of committee members. Fans of TCU and Baylor is crying tears in Shiner Bock beer, when neither Horned Frogs nor Bears is receiving invitation to miniscule, 4-team CFP playoff.

Here is truth – this will be same argument next season, and season after that, and so on – UNTIL 16 teams at MINIMUM is making playoffs! This season, CFP system is having simple beginner’s luck, including OSU in playoff as low #4 seed as afterthought. But Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is confirming that da, for fact it is the Buckeyes who are best team in college football this season! Only losses is in Week One to USC and Week 11 to Penn State, after OSU is already clinching playoff spot. After defeating top-rank Notre Dame in District 3 Championship game, Buckeyes is beating Tennessee and TCU on way to championship victory over Oregon.

Oregon Ducks (13-3, #2) is runner-up, losing championship and #1 Top Power rank, perhaps due to weakling #35-rank defense. Is second season consecutive that Ducks is losing in championship game. Here is advice – next season, spend more time designing strategy for winning football game, instead of designing fancy uniforms in every color of rainbow, looking like pizhama for children!

In world of Commie Football, TCU (12-3, #3) and Ole Miss (12-3, #4) is finishing with better rank than Florida State (10-3, #6) (who is losing to Ole Miss in District 4 Championship) and Alabama (4-8) (who is not even making to playoff)! Many more surprising results come from final 2014 Standings.

And of course, fans of Baylor Bears (9-3, #12) is continuing to make big bear-size tears, because even in Commie Football, Baylor is good team, but TCU is better. Perhaps is curse of ugly, nonsense, alternate blackout uniform? Spend more time designing strategy for winning football game instead of ugly uniform in non-traditional color for school!

Ram Boy, crying miracle black tears, is becoming most famous superfan of Colorado State.

Ram Boy, crying miracle black tears, is becoming holy icon of Tier 2 champion Colorado State Rams team.

TIER 2 CHAMPIONSHIP: CSU RAMS CLIMB MOUNTAIN, NEXT CLIMB TO TIER 1?

Ohio State is not only championship team in America today! Colorado State Rams (15-1, #1 rank) – looking like champions in glorious orange-and-green uniforms – is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky 41-38, a team with frightening, top-rank offense. But in end, it is weak #63-rank defense by WKU that is allowing Colorado State to emerge victorious by only three points.

But CSU is now suffering regret, missing undefeated season due to Week Eight loss to Eastern Illinois Panthers. Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season!

Fans in Kentucky SSR is forgetting sorrows in bottom of illegal homemade whiskey jar, but all is not lost for WKU. After glorious District 5 title and playoff run, fans of Hilltoppers is now hoping that Big Red blob mascot will move up to Tier 1 next season… to perhaps meet Brutus Buckeye on field of battle in District 3?

Intern Bobby is saying...Georgy’s all like (in his accent), “Season is over. You are now going home to America.” But then I’m like, “Uh… this is a FULLLLL YEEEEAR internship, remember? Two semesters. You got me until May, old man.” Finally, he’s like, “Is fine. Is many repairs to be making to concrete roof and rusting pipes of emergency secondary bunker. First, you are fixing problems made when you are overflowing hot tub water into computer server chamber.” Geh…. It was AN ACCIDENT! Like I’m the only one who’s ever drank too much kvass and tried to make an indoor skating rink, AMIRITE?

IS NEXT: PROMOTION & RELEGATION

Excitement of Commie Football is not ending with championship games!

Is no summer vacation! During offseason, Soviet supercomputer is making calculations to determine promotion and relegation of teams between Tiers.

Last season, is much controversy when both Tier 2 champion (North Texas) and runner-up (Buffalo) is not receiving invitation for promotion to Tier 1 level. But look at this – neither UNT nor UB is making Tier 2 playoffs this season! Is more proof that Soviet supercomputer is having more intelligence than simple brain of common American! Intern Bobby is proving this fact to me, every day.

You are returning to website in few weeks’ time for news of promotion and relegation.

Tier 2 Playoffs: Black Tears of Joy

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CSU superfan having name of "Ram Boy" is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy for CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Colorado State superfan “Ram Boy” is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy after CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Like famous Battle of Stalingrad, every Commie Football season is war of attrition. Superior schedule matrix is meaning no team is ever playing mere scrimmage against inferior, cupcake opponent from lower level. Also, no team is ever having lazy “bye week” – a typical American concept. Every game is one small battle in vicious, season-long battle. Is almost impossible to win all! Only very strongest teams is winning enough to advance to playoffs, and there must fight to death, four more brutal opponents on path to championship glory!

Last season, Colorado State is almost advancing to Tier 2 championship, in spite of being low #8 seed. But dream of championship glory is ending in semifinal round, when CSU is losing by only one point to eventual Tier 2 champion North Texas Mean Green. Many CSU fans is upset, thinking it was destiny for team to win title. Then, in offseason, is added indignity of Rams being passed by for promotion to Tier 1 level.

Is making CSU very angry. Thin oxygen level at high Rocky Mountains altitude is turning anger into rage! Success of Rams in 2014 season is forcing all of Tier 2 to fear this team, in resplendent orange and green uniform! All except for Eastern Illinois Panthers, who is upsetting CSU in Week 8. But UMass is no EIU!

r3-t2-1v7 Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Final Score: Colorado State 40, UMass 26
Notes: Like powerful British army at famous Battle of Bunker Hill, CSU is defeating and scattering Minutemen of UMass, who is maybe feeling tired after long playoff travels to Georgia SSR last week, and now Colorado SSR. With superior balance of #5-rank offense and #6-rank defense, Colorado State is winning almost all games this season by safe margin, but nyet, not in flashy, Hollywood manner. Is more modest, like Condoleezza Rice. But then here come red-like-fire Hilltoppers of WKU – new, hot team on scene, bringing rocket-propelled offense to battle in championship game!

r3-t2-3v4Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: San Marcos, TX
Final Score: Western Kentucky 48, Texas State 32
Notes: Hilltoppers of WKU is now latest sensation of college football fans, looking like unstoppable juggernaut with powerful offense growing stronger throughout season! Here is amazing fact – 48 points is lowest number of points WKU is scoring in game since narrow Week 10 victory over Akron. In fact, Hilltoppers is scoring less than 40 points in only four games all season! But here is problem – WKU defense is also giving up many points, losing two close games early in season to Miami Redhawks (Week Two) and Western Michigan (Week Five) and ranking only #57 on defense in all of Tier 2. Can CSU exploit this weakness in championship game?

Intern Bobby is saying...So, this past week we had a problem with the steam-powered server. Basically, all of the steam was like, freezing and messing up the circuits or something. Georgy wakes me up one morning, and is all like “You crawl inside server to fix!” and I’m like, “Yeah, later… can you unlock the food storage chamber so I can make a bowl of that yummy kasha stuff for breakfast”? But of course he WOULDN’T let me eat until I did the stupid gruntwork job. AGAIN.

WHO IS WINNING FINAL BATTLE OF 2014 SEASON? RAM WITH STRONG HORNS, OR SOFT RED BLOB?

On one hand, mountain-living rams is having powerful, hard horns, used for slamming into head of enemy again and again, until brains of enemy is turning to soft kashitsa.

On other hand, big red blob of WKU is already made of soft mush on inside. Maybe hard horn slamming is not making injury, and blob is instead enveloping horns of ram, ingesting slowly, like long, strong zmeya swallowing timid deer, snapping bones and asphyxiating over course of three hours (four if counting television commercials).

Playoffs: Two Worlds, On Course for Collision

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National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Travel to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Oregon and Ohio State, so government is providing radio broadcast for fans in Oregon SSR and Ohio SSR, only.

National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Long journey to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Ducks and Buckeyes. As show of goodwill towards American people, Soviet government is providing special radio broadcast, in Russian, for all to hear game.

World of Commie Football is strange, parallel universe, bringing order to former chaotic system of determining American college football champion. Some critic is saying that Commie Football supercomputer is producing impossible result, as when Utah State Aggies is winning 2012 championship. But then, only one season ago, Commie Football supercomputer is crowning same champion (Florida State) as ludicrous BCS system, when Seminoles is narrow defeating Oregon Ducks. After, is more complaints, asking in whining voice – what is this proving, when superior Soviet system is producing same result as terrible, capitalist BCS system?

First, take deep breath. Then slow exhale breath, then TAKE DEEPER BREATH ONCE MORE! NOW SLAP OWN FACE! AGAIN! HARDER! Now stop and continue reading.

Is simple. Even corrupt capitalist system, such as nonsense NCAA, is sometimes having good luck. Either this, or obvious one team is true best team in all worlds of college football.

Sometimes, stupid American system for deciding college champion – whether AP poll, BCS, CFP – is having lucky streak, two years consecutive! Is long way to say – this season, advanced Commie Football algorithm is finding same two teams in championship game as flawed College Football Playoff system! Drisnya! In the name of Condoleezza!

r3-t1-rosebowl

Game: Rose Bowl
Location: Pasadena, CA
Final Score: Oregon 32, Ole Miss 25
Notes: Last season, Oregon is losing championship game to Florida State by only one point. During offseason, fans of Ducks is not sleeping, rolling over on hay mattress again and again, making many trips to outdoor latrine with only one thought – why is this team, which is so good for entire regular season, failing to win championship?

This season, Ducks is experiencing early frustration – beating darlings of 2013 Louisville and Boston College, but also losing to bitter District 8 rivals, Cal Golden Bears and UCLA. Then, beginning in Week Six, Oregon is resembling MiG fighter jet on secret KGB mission – to shoot down and destroy all enemies and fly to top of Top Power 25 rankings AGAIN! Mission is success so far – Oregon is once again advancing to national championship game, this time to play Ohio State, to determine true champion of all college football.

r3-t1-fiestabowl

Game: Fiesta Bowl
Location: Glendale, AZ
Final Score: Ohio State 32, TCU 31
Notes: In most exciting contest of playoff semifinal round, Ohio State is defeating tough TCU by only one point, to advance to championship game against top-seed Oregon Ducks. Why is Buckeyes proving too hard of nut for Horned Frogs to puncture? Soviet supercomputer is finding that in order to win this game, top-rank offense and #4-rank defense of Buckeyes is needing every milligram of strength to defeat TCU, who is also bringing powerful balance of offense (#4) and defense (#10), and also #1 in perception of disrespect!

Even in defeat, fans of Horned Frogs is proud – team is rising from mediocre 6-6 team last season, making Commie Football playoffs for first time, almost advancing to championship game! Is perhaps good enough in ESPN world, but not Commie Football. Do svidaniya, Horned Frogs!

In day or two, we are telling what is happening on Tier 2 semifinal games.

Return next week to find out WHO IS HAVING BIGGEST O!

Tier 2 Playoffs: Who is Most Patriot? Minuteman or Eagle?

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During American Revolution War of old times, "minutemen" soldiers, led by legendary patriot Pavel Revere, is defending Massachusetts SSR from imperial armies of Great Britain. Later, is releasing punk rock music album "Double Kopeyki on the Ruble."

During American Revolution War many years ago, “minutemen” soldiers, led by legendary patriot Pavel Revere, is defending Massachusetts SSR from British imperial army. Later, is releasing influential punk rock music album “Double Kopeyki on the Ruble.”

Is peculiar custom of American sports team to choose nickname of patriotic symbol: Eagles, Patriots, Yankees, Generals, Bullets, Minutemen, 76ers, Independence, Freedom, Liberty, Pursuit of Happiness….

Okay, last name on list is not nickname of sports team (that KGB is yet finding). But is accurate description of cliché American motivation. Other word with same meaning is “selfishness.” When he is writing Declaration of Independence, stupid Tomas Jefferson is writing wrong words. Should be “life, liberty, and pursuit of whining like hungry piglet!”

After Soviet takeover of America, is debate behind Kremlin walls of changing American college football team nicknames to better reflect new world order. Central committee is making list of acceptable nicknames: Reds, Redbirds, Red Socks, Big Red, Red Wolves, Bears, Crimson Tide, Miners, Hammers, Sickles, Cornhuskers. But is too many teams. Ultimate decision is to allow existing nicknames, as gesture of kindness to ungrateful American people. Also, holodets (meat jello) with pickled cabbage is now only snack available at stadiums.

As in Tier 1 playoffs, quarterfinal round of Tier 2 playoffs is finding most higher-seed teams winning. Only exception is surprise upset victory by UMass Minutemen over #2 Top Power rank Georgia Southern Eagles. Is similar to when Georgy Washington is killing last bald eagle living in Pennsylvania SSR, to roast over fire at Valley Forge and eat by self, while common soldiers of lower rank is freezing, starving, and dying in brutal winter conditions.

Here is ROUND 2 results of 2014 Tier 2 playoffs:

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Final Score: Colorado State 34, Tulane 20
Notes: With superior balance on offense and defense, top-ranked CSU is making relative easy victory over Tulane Green Wave. But Tulane is performing better than expectation in playoffs, finally climbing into Top Power 25. Rams is now advancing to Tier 2 semifinal round, for second season consecutive. Perhaps next year, Colorado State is taking resplendent green and orange uniform to Tier 1 level? But first, can Rams beat UMass this week?

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Statesboro, GA
Final Score: UMass 37, Georgia Southern 30
Notes: In biggest upset of playoffs Round 2, Minutemen is traveling south into enemy territory and defeating opponent who is spending entire season in Tier 2 Top Power 10 ranking. Minutemen defense is even match with GSU offense, but in end, UMass offense is proving better than Eagles defense, and UMass is taking muskets to next round, to face top-seed Colorado State Rams.

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: San Marcos, TX
Final Score: Texas State 39, Appalachian State 29
Notes: In match of top-10 offenses, Bobcats is showing superior firepower. Texas State is climbing to #2 Top Power rank for second time this season, while Appalachian State is returning to mountains to drown sorrows in illegal homemade alcohol. KGB is eventual finding, raiding, and arresting suspects. Texas State is next facing Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky in semifinal Round 3.

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Bowling Green, KY
Final Score: Western Kentucky 60, Illinois State 25
Notes: Hilltoppers is following epic takedown of top-ranked Western Michigan in Round 1 with utter destruction of Illinois State Redbirds in Round 2. With top-ranked offense in Tier 2, WKU is proving to perhaps be surprise, most-dangerous team remaining in playoffs. But is Hilltoppers also having foot of Achilles in weak, #57-rank defense? Texas State is finding out in Round 3.

Intern Bobby is saying...OMG, speaking of soldiers starving at Valley Forge, I’m like, soooo hungry since I woke up from the hyperbaric sleep chamber. I think the super-rich oxygen like, messed with my metabolism or something, because I have this GIGANTIC appetite. Every day, I’m like OUTTA MY WAY, I’M EATING ALL OF THE EMERGENCY STORES, but Georgy got all weird and angry about it, and now he’s making me ration. I told him (jokingly) that he would have to like, put a padlock on the food storage chamber doors. But then he totally did, and now I’m all like, “ughhhh” and back to eating slices of potato skin that I soak in the hot tub (because the water adds a kinda salty taste) and roast in the furnace.

ROUND 3 OF PLAYOFFS IS FINAL FOUR!

Here is schedule for Round 3 semifinals of Tier 2 playoffs:

  • (1) Colorado State (13-1, #1) vs.
    (7) UMass (11-3, #6)
  • (3) Texas State (12-2, #2) vs.
    (4) Western Kentucky (12-2, #3)

Is good semifinal schedule. Is shame #4 seed Georgia Southern Eagles is losing. But remember, many Tier 2 teams is possible for promotion to Tier 1 next season, even if losing in playoffs. Is also possible for champion team, like 2013 North Texas Mean Green, to not qualify for promotion, if fans is not attending game in sufficient numbers.

Playoffs Round 2: Is Surviving of Fittest

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If you are understanding "survival of fittest" theory of evolution by Kharl Darwin, then you are understanding why Commie Football is killing and replacing weak College Football Playoff system.

If you are understanding “survival of fittest” theory of evolution by Soviet scientist Kharl Darwin, then you are understanding why Commie Football is eventual eating and making srat of weak, inferior College Football Playoff system.

REBS, DUCKS, FROGS, AND NUTS IS YET LIVING. ALL OTHER TEAMS IS EXTINCT. 

World of Commie Football is holding many surprises for American college football fan. Superior organization, schedule, and playoff system is meaning only true, strongest teams is advancing, while impostor teams is returning to home university campus to weep in communal shower room, located in cold, hard basement level of dormitory tower, when water is available.

In old BCS and CFP systems, many times inferior, impostor team is making to top of opinion poll with easy, cupcake schedule and influence of booster collective, who is paying many dollars to pollsters of AP, in order to secure vote. If pollster is not accepting of bribe money, he is sudden disappearing, like Leon Trotsky.

And yet, sometimes in rare case, such as 2013, Commie Football is declaring same champion as in corrupt BCS/CFP system. Perhaps this is true, natural order, as in famous teachings of Kharl Darwin! Is yet possible this season also, as all four games of Round 2 is won by team with highest seed.

r2-t1-alohabowl

Game: Aloha Bowl
Location: Honolulu, HI
Final Score: Oregon 41, Oklahoma 27
Notes: Top-ranked Ducks is utilizing powerful offense to destroy resistance of weak Sooners defense. Oklahoma is also scoring points, but object of game is to finish with more than opponent. Overall, is good season for Sooners, who is making strong return to playoffs. But is Oregon advancing now to Round 3 (final four teams) for second season, consecutive to meet #1-rank defense of Ole Miss Rebels.

r2-t1-cottonbowl

Game: Cotton Bowl
Location: Arlington, TX
Final Score: TCU 39, Wisconsin 20
Notes: Horned Frogs is suffering from historical lack of respect, first from other, more powerful college football teams in Texas SSR, then from administrative districts across entire American continent. Many is making gesture of insult at strange, amphibian mascot. Yet now, is Frogs who are hopping up and down, stabbing soft belly of enemy with sharp horns! Is very best example of American expression “hopping mad”! Badgers and TCU is having amazing same-ranking of defense, but superior offense of TCU is winning game. Next week, can sharp horn of TCU frog make puncture wound into hard shell of Ohio State Buckeye nut?

r2-t1-peachbowl

Game: Peach Bowl
Location: Atlanta, GA
Final Score: Ohio State 39, Tennessee 20
Notes: Buckeyes is taking risk, choosing playoff game location in city close to homeland of Vols. By end of game, stadium is wearing more red than orange, showing support for both OSU (and Mother Russia). Tennessee is simply not good enough to defeat top offense and #4-rank defense from land with two circular sides and elevated middle. Buckeyes is next to face angry-from-perception-of-disrespect TCU Horned Frogs.

r2-t1-sugarbowl

Game: Sugar Bowl
Location: New Orleans, LA
Final Score: Ole Miss 29, Penn State 17
Notes: Is maybe not revenge obshchiy for losing old American Civil War, but Rebels of Ole Miss is returning to land of cotton with northern Nittany Lion tail in hand. Top-rank defense of Ole Miss is smothering weak Penn State offense, and “rebel yell” of fans is making pain in ears of PSU coaches, just like in old song by William Idol.

 

ROUND 3: SEMIFINALS (SOME IS CONFUSING CALLING “FINAL FOUR”)

Is interesting that final four teams in Tier 1 playoff is all having same 12-2 record. Commie Football playoff is ideal system, where superior team is always rising to next level. Is not sentimental television commercial for weak American beer, tasting like water used for washing of dirty botinok! Here is Round 3 schedule:

  • (1) Oregon (12-2, #1) vs. (4) Ole Miss (12-2, #4) – Rose Bowl
  • (2) TCU (12-2, #2) vs. (3) Ohio State (12-2, #3) – Fiesta Bowl

In next day or two, you are visiting website to learn fate of teams playing in second round of Tier 2 playoffs.