Introducing of Intern Kyle

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Here is photograph representation of Intern Kyle.

Here is photograph representation of Intern Kyle.

Following two-week journey by foot and small boat through dangerous taiga, I am meeting new intern at designated rendezvous location. On equally treacherous return journey, I am learning that new intern is nothing like previous Intern Bobby. Name of new intern is Kyle. I will refer to as “Intern Kyle”. You are seeing photo.

Wait. What is this? You are wondering where is Intern Bobby?

Da, Intern Bobby is yet also here. Is more strange situation, every day. After accident with Soviet attack helicopter, and rapid recovery due to experimental medical procedure over short Russian summer, Bobby is finally emerging from bed chamber and returning to old ways. Is meaning – Bobby is eating all of food storage and spending too much time in hot tub. When I am asking Bobby for help in chopping branches from trees for firewood, he is then complaining of sore arms and legs from missile attack, and saying he must rest more in bed chamber.

Report of Staff Member BobbySo, not gonna lie – I don’t remember a whole lot of what’s happened the past few… days? weeks? months? Apparently a Soviet gunship fired missiles at me? All I know is this – I wake up, back in my same old sleeping chamber, it smells horrible, and I’ve got like, IV tubes and wires and bleeps and bloops all over the place, Georgy’s nowhere to be found, I untangle myself and wander into the food storage chamber, and WOW – the kaisha tastes SOOOO GOOOD. I mean, like CRACKROCK good, you know? Took me awhile, but I finally figured out how to stream Netflix through the satellite feed machine, or whatever. Catching up with some old “Friends” – hehe! Of course, now Georgy’s back and he’s got this “Kyle” dude in tow, who’s all like, muscle-y and grunt-grunt-football-ugh. And from Yale, of course. Blegh. Oh, and Georgy says I’ve been kicked out of Harvard or something? He’s so difficult to understand sometimes. Anyway, now he says I owe him “rubles” to cover my healthcare costs, so I’m staying on for a little bit longer as a “member of staff” until I work down my debt. Uh… yay?

Spent the first few days of the internship hiking and hunting wild game. No big deal, really. I mean, I did Outward Bound. I survived two-a-days with Coach Reno. This was pretty easy, except for the night when this giant trout came flying out of the water, knocked Georgy overboard, and I had to hang on to him one-handed AND keep the canoe from overturning. Those were at least Class IV rapids, in the dark. I’d say the hardest part so far was making it to headquarters and finding this skinny-neck Harvard dude here, all doped up on painkillers and spacing in the hot tub. Typical Crimson. Georgy seems like a good boss, though. Took that fish to the jaw like a champ. Can’t understand what he’s saying all the time, but you get the gist.

DIFFICULT SEARCH FOR NEW INTERN

With return of Bobby’s health, I am deciding to make long distance telephone communication with officials at Harvard University in Massachusetts SSR, to discuss situation (also because paperwork to obtain new intern is confusing, and FAQ on Harvard website is useless!). This is when I am learning there is no student with exact name of Bobby in school enrollment record. Crimson official is making claim that Bobby was expected for campus return this past January, but is making stupid mistake to think internship is for full academic year – two semesters instead of one. For this reason, he is expelled from university.

Is outrage! How can supposed prestigious American university of Harvard send inferior, glupyy student for internship? In anger, I am slicing cord on telephone with nearby bayonet.

Then, I am using shortwave radio to make secret contact with sworn enemy of Harvard, University of Yale in Connecticut SSR. There, I am finding perfect intern candidate who is recent member of Yale football team roster. Due to weightlifting injury during springtime training regimen, Intern Kyle is ineligible for playing this upcoming season, instead receiving “red shirt” designation. This “red shirt” is sounding like very good qualification for Commie Football internship, da?

Is easy to see why Kyle is coming from University of Yale – he is looking much like Yale bulldog mascot. Is perhaps short of height little bit, but is having very thick neck and strong arms. Is good for manual labor, less fragile than Intern Bobby. Also hopeful stronger brain, as well.

Already, new Intern Kyle is asking to hunt and kill wild indeyka, to prove worth. I am telling him, “You must have patience, like Soviet sniper at Battle of Stalingrad.”

BOBBY IS DAMAGING SATELLITE FEED

While I am gone for two weeks to retrieve new intern, Bobby is also playing with critical satellite communication equipment, like video game toy! Now, satellite feed is becoming stuck, playing endless loop of idiot American television program, with title “Friends.” Theme song is digging inside head, like KGB torture!

As simple first task, I am asking Intern Kyle to fix satellite feed. I will assign this task after I am finding out conclusion of story, if Ross and Rashel is finding true love. Is seeming impossible at this moment.

2015 Season Schedule is Complete, Despite Extra Labor

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Full schedule for upcoming 2015 season is here, no thanks to Intern Bobby, who is yet healing with injuries from attack by Soviet gunship helicopter.

Full schedule for upcoming 2015 season is here, no thanks to Intern Bobby, who is yet healing with injuries from attack by Soviet gunship helicopter.

Is glorious day. All American college football fans is losing breath from waiting with excitement! Is even more glorious than arrival of fresh shipment of dehydrated goat’s milk, which is remaining stable for many years on shelf of underground bomb shelter.

Is official release of schedule for upcoming 2015 Commie Football season (click link to see). Week One games is beginning on weekend of September 12. Every team is playing games for 12 weeks consecutive, with final game on last weekend of November.

As always, Commie Football schedule is optimized for ensuring good competition to all teams, and most enjoyment for every American college football fan. Favorite team is never playing weak, cupcake opponent, due to logical organization of Tiers and innovative schedule matrix. Schedule is also stuffed, like savory pelmeni, with many interesting games between natural, regional rivals, as well as many games pitting strongest teams in country, who is never meeting in nonsense, archaic “conference” system of past!

Here is few interesting facts about 2015 Commie Football schedule:

1. 2015 season is beginning with many large bangs! You are liking games between “big-time” college programs? Behold opening weekend schedule, and then struggle to prevent drool from causing short-circuit of computer keyboard:

  • Florida State vs. USC
  • Ole Miss vs. Oregon
  • Penn State vs. TCU
  • Georgia vs. Michigan State
  • Notre Dame vs. Arizona State
  • Mississippi State vs. Stanford
  • West Virginia vs. Baylor
  • Clemson vs. Louisville
  • Miami (FL) vs. UCLA
  • Iowa vs. Boise State
schedule-breakdown-graphic

Every team is playing 12 games: all 5 other teams in same DIVISION; 3 or 4 teams from other division in same DISTRICT; and 3 or 4 teams from different DISTRICT.

Is only small taste, comrade. Superior schedule formula is ensuring many top-quality games every week of season!

2. Because of unique method of ranking every team within each district (based on previous season record), all non-district games is against team with same rank, so schedule is being more fair for all teams.

3. Even with advanced schedule formula, sometimes is important rivalry game that is falling through crack. Schedule is leaving one space (Week 11) as “open” for any missing rivalry game, so every team who is having big rival in different division/district is able to schedule important game, for maximum enjoyment of fans. As example, here is some games that happen in Week 11 this season:

  • Georgia (District 2) vs. Florida (District 4)
  • Oklahoma vs. Texas (both District 6, but different divisions)
  • Florida State vs. Alabama (both in District 4, but different divisions)
  • Notre Dame (District 5) vs. USC (District 8)
  • Army vs. Navy (both in District 1, but different divisions)
  • Oregon vs. Stanford (both in District 8, but different divisions)
  • UCLA vs. Cal (both in District 8, but different divisions)
  • West Virginia (District 1) vs. Marshall (District 3)
  • Virginia (District 1) vs. Virginia Tech (District 2)
  • Indiana (District 3) vs. Purdue (District 5)
  • TCU (District 6) vs. Texas Tech (District 7)

Because of superior Commie Football schedule, is no more crying of fans for missing favorite rivalry games!

4. Every college football team is spending less money for travel. Cost of travel is very large struggle for many football programs. Especially in face of looming petrol shortage (is necessary for Premier Putin to demonstrate power to weak, ungrateful leaders of western Europe). In Commie Football system, every team is grouped according to geography in District, so cost of travel to most games is not so high as in old system. Student athletes is very comfortable riding in mule-drawn wagon for short trips.

IS MUCH WORK FOR ONLY ONE MAN

Here is photo of Intern Bobby, resting comfortable and unable to speak while recover from serious injuries.

Here is photo of Intern Bobby, resting comfortable and unable to speak while recover from serious injuries.

Even with 192 teams total in Tier 1 and Tier 2, production of season schedule is simple task for Soviet supercomputer. Most years, all that is requiring is sufficient fuel and firewood for steam-power server to continue complex algorithm calculation. But this year, task is much more difficult, due to constant attention required by needy Intern Bobby.

You are remembering from last month, Bobby is suffering many serious injuries to body during mistaken attack from Soviet gunship helicopter. Bad news is Bobby is yet wrapped in bandages, from head to puny, American toes. Good news is proximity to advanced medical care facility here in emergency secondary headquarters, including use of hyperbaric sleep chamber (da, da – is technically yet “experimental”).

Also good news is this – Bobby is unable to speak, so is much less constant noise. However, Bobby is now sometimes attempting communication through jerking movement of head, perhaps to give Morse Code message. Unfortunately, chopping and dragging of firewood, hunting of food, and constant replenishment of IV fluids is leaving little time to translate head movements into words.

Also, is little bit zhutko - or as you say this in English – “creepy”.

Down at Crossroads, Is Also Time for Realignment

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crossroadsRealignment is not having impact only on Tier 1 level. Like famous American blues guitar player Ralf Macchio, Tier 2 is true “crossroads” in organization of PUACF, where teams is both departing and arriving, due to innovative promotion and relegation process.

For upcoming 2015 season, is nine new teams playing on Tier 2 level: Ball State, Bowling Green, Kent State, and Northern Illinois (from Tier 1 via relegation); and Alcorn State, GramblingMercerMorgan State and Western Carolina (from Tier 3 via promotion). Due to this influx of new teams to Tier 2, is necessary for geographic realignment.

Here is entire list of changes for each Tier 2 district (1 through 8) in coming 2015 season. Team names in bold is signifying new team in district, team names in italic is team moving from opposite division of same district:

district-divider-t2d1

DISTRICT 1: Is nothing new. As in Tier 1/District 1, is same teams in same divisions.

NORTH: Brown, Harvard, Maine, New Hampshire, UMass, Yale
SOUTH: Lafayette, Lehigh, Penn, Princeton, Stony Brook, Villanova

district-divider-t2d2

DISTRICT 2: Is saying “have good luck” to Appalachian State, who is receiving promotion to Tier 1, and do svidaniya to Elon, who is suffering relegation to Tier 3. Is also saying “howdy” to Morgan State, who is receiving promotion from Tier 3, and Charlotte 49ers, who is moving here from District 3. William & Mary is also shifting to South division.

NORTH: Delaware, James Madison, Liberty, Morgan State, Richmond, Towson
SOUTH: Charlotte, Norfolk State, North Carolina A&T, North Carolina Central, Old Dominion, William & Mary

district-divider-t2d3

DISTRICT 3: Is adding two new teams being promoted from Tier 3 – Western Carolina and Mercer, who is replacing Charlotte (move to District 2) and Georgia State (move to District 4) .

NORTH: Citadel, Coastal Carolina, Furman, South Carolina State, Western Carolina, Wofford
SOUTH: Bethune-Cookman, FIU, Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, Georgia Southern, Mercer

district-divider-t2d4

DISTRICT 4: Is many changes. UAB Blazers is dying like Trotsky, while Jackson State, Southern U, and Tulane is all moving to new configuration in District 7. To replace departed teams is Georgia State (from District 3), and trio of teams from District 5: Middle Tennessee; Tennessee State; and runner-up from Tier 2 championship, Western Kentucky. These changes is also causing Alabama State, Jacksonville State, and Samford switch to South division.

NORTH: Alabama A&M, Chattanooga, Georgia State, Middle Tennessee, Tennessee State, Western Kentucky
SOUTH: Alabama State, Jacksonville State, Samford, South Alabama, Southern Miss, Troy

district-divider-t2d5

DISTRICT 5: Is welcoming three teams relegated from Tier 1: Ball State, Bowling Green, and Kent State. To make space, is sending Middle Tennessee, Tennessee State, and 2014 Tier 2 runner-up WKU to District 4. Also, three teams is swapping divisions: Akron, Toledo, and Youngstown State.

NORTH: Bowling Green, Buffalo, Central Michigan, Eastern Michigan, Toledo, Western Michigan
SOUTH: Akron, Ball State, Eastern Kentucky, Kent State, Miami (OH), Youngstown State

district-divider-t2d6

DISTRICT 6: Skyhawks of Tennessee-Martin is being relegated to Tier 3, but is being replaced here by Northern Illinois, relegated from Tier 1. Western Illinois is switching divisions to make space for Huskies.

NORTH: North Dakota, North Dakota State, Northern Illinois, Northern Iowa, South Dakota, South Dakota State
SOUTH: Central Arkansas, Eastern Illinois, Illinois State, Missouri State, Southern Illinois, Western Illinois

district-divider-t2d7

DISTRICT 7: Is experiencing many changes, including departure of Texas State and UTEP – both promoted to Tier 1. To replace is addition of two new teams promoted from Tier 3: Alcorn State and Grambling. New Mexico, New Mexico State, and Northern Arizona is moving to District 8, being replaced by three teams from District 4: Jackson State, Southern U, and Tulane. Five teams is also switching from East to West division.

EAST: Alcorn State, Grambling, Jackson State, Louisiana-Monroe, Southern U, Tulane
WEST: Lamar, McNeese State, North Texas, Northwestern State, Sam Houston State, Stephen F. Austin

district-divider-t2d8

DISTRICT 8: 2014 Tier 2 champion Colorado State Rams is now promoted to Tier 1, while UC Davis and Southern Utah is both relegated to Tier 3. To replace, is three teams moving from District 7. Also, Sacramento State is shifting to North division.

NORTH: Eastern Washington, Idaho, Montana, Montana State, Sacramento State, Wyoming
SOUTH: Cal Poly, New Mexico, New Mexico State, Northern Arizona, San Jose State, UNLV

 

INTERN UPDATE

Here is photo Intern Bobby is sending to me via cellphone, of Soviet gunship shooting missle at him, before departing for an additional three months.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is sending to me via cellphone message, of Soviet gunship shooting missle at him, before departing for additional three months, minimum.

Is unfortunate situation. You may remember from previous post, I am making many tedious preparation for Intern Bobby to leave emergency secondary headquarter via Mi-24 military gunship helicopter, because internship is now over.

As final task of internship, I am giving Bobby map and compass to find path over many kilometers of difficult terrain to rendezvous point with helicopter. Is final reward for Bobby, as show of trust in spite of many mistakes he is always making during previous football season.

But Bobby is behaving in unserious manner. Is thinking this is simple task, that Georgy will help if there is difficulty to find rendezvous location. Bobby Is learning hard lesson how serious is this situation.

Helicopter is dropping supplies, da, then is waiting for three hours, then is again departing. But Bobby is only finally locating rendezvous location after gunship is already in air for departing.

Bobby is then running from forest, shooting flare pistol, which is causing gunship to believe it is experiencing attack! Gunship is firing missles in return, but is lucky for Bobby, because kickback of flare gun is causing him to fall behind old tree stump, protecting from blast of missles. Gunship is then believing Bobby dead, and is leaving area. I am finding Bobby later and returning to emergency secondary headquarter, having to carry him on sled, also full of new supplies.

Now Bobby is remaining here for additional three months, minimum, until next shipment of supplies is necessary… and NEW INTERN is beginning for next season! Chert poberi!

Realignment for Benefit of All!

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realignment-2015Is two months’ time since announcement of promotion and relegation for 2015 season. Fans of Ball State, Kent State, Bowling Green, and Northern Illinois – teams relegated to Tier 2 – is now silent, staring at cold ground with feeling of shame, drying tears, and accepting of fate.

As contrast, fans of Colorado State, Appalachian State, Texas State, and UTEP – teams promoted to Tier 1 – is finishing celebration and is now suffering from bad pokhmel’ye. Here is tip – best cure for headache and discomfort of intestines is raw cabbage.

Today is day of Tier 1 realignment announcement (see new 2015 map). Every season, after some teams is moving down due to relegation, or moving up due to promotion, is necessary to redistribute all Tier 1 teams into districts making most geographic sense. This is minimizing travel, and reducing artificial “rivalry” with teams from very far away.

And yet, sometimes shifting is causing disruption for close, traditional rival teams, such as Virginia (District 1) and Virginia Tech (District 2), or Indiana (District 3) and Purdue (District 5). Genius schedule of Commie Football is fixing this, designating Week 11 game for traditional rivals not already on schedule.

Here is list showing changes to districts and divisions for 2015 season. Team names in bold is moving to new district, while team names in italic is moving to opposite division of same district:

district-divider-t1d1

DISTRICT 1: Is nothing new. Is same teams in same divisions for four seasons consecutive, creating many ferocious regional rival games.

NORTH: Army, Boston College, Connecticut, Rutgers, Syracuse, Temple
SOUTH: Maryland, Navy, Penn State, Pitt, Virginia, West Virginia

district-divider-t1d2

DISTRICT 2: Is adding Appalachian State, due to promotion from Tier 2. To make space, Kentucky Wildcats is now moving to District 3.

NORTH: Duke, East Carolina, North Carolina, NC State, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest
SOUTH: Appalachian State, Clemson, Georgia, Georgia Tech, South Carolina, Tennessee

district-divider-t1d3

DISTRICT 3: Many changes in this District after relegation of Ball State, Bowling Green, and Kent State to Tier 2. Also, due to changes elsewhere, Notre Dame is moving to District 5. To replace these four teams is Kentucky from District 2, plus Arkansas State, Memphis, and Vanderbilt from District 4. Many is questioning logic of Arkansas State playing in same District as Michigan Wolverines, but look at map and see if this is not making most sense! Also, Cincinnati, Ohio Bobcats, and defending champion Ohio State is shifting to North division.

NORTH: Cincinnati, Indiana, Michigan State, Michigan, Ohio, Ohio State
SOUTH: Arkansas State, Kentucky, Louisville, Marshall, Memphis, Vanderbilt

district-divider-t1d4

DISTRICT 4: Domino effect of promotion & relegation is also making impact in this District, which is losing three teams to District 3 (see above). Replacing departed teams is Louisiana-Lafayette, LSU, and Louisiana Tech, all from District 6 last season.

EAST:  Auburn, Florida, Florida State, Miami (FL), South Florida, UCF
WEST: Alabama, Louisiana–Lafayette, LSU, Louisiana Tech, Mississippi State, Ole Miss

district-divider-t1d5

DISTRICT 5: Following Northern Illinois relegation to Tier 2, District 5 is stealing big fish Notre Dame from District 3.

NORTH: Illinois, Minnesota, Northwestern, Notre Dame, Purdue, Wisconsin
SOUTH: Iowa, Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Nebraska

district-divider-t1d6

DISTRICT 6: Is experiencing many changes, losing three teams to District 4 and one team to District 7. In turn, is taking three teams from District 7, and also adding Texas State, new promotion from Tier 2. Is also switching to North/South divisions.

NORTH: Arkansas, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, SMU, TCU, Tulsa
SOUTH: Baylor, Houston, Rice, Texas A&M, Texas, Texas State

district-divider-t1d7

DISTRICT 7: Biggest change is addition of two teams being promoted from Tier 2 – 2014 champion Colorado State and UTEP. Also is adding UTSA from District 6 after relinquishing the three Oklahoma SSR teams to that District. Changes is also causing Air Force to fly from North to South division.

NORTH: Boise State, BYU, Colorado, Colorado State, Utah, Utah State
SOUTH: Air Force, Arizona, Arizona State, Texas Tech, UTEP, UTSA

district-divider-t1d8

DISTRICT 8: Nyet, is no changes.

NORTH: California, Nevada, Oregon, Oregon State, Washington, Washington State
SOUTH: Fresno State, Hawaii, San Diego State, Stanford, UCLA, USC

 

REALIGNMENT FOR TIER 2

Due to promotion and relegation, Tier 2 is area of greatest upheaval each off-season, adding and losing teams to both Tier 1 and Tier 3. In next post, realignment for upcoming 2015 season will be presented.

INTERN UPDATE

Soon, Intern Bobby will make return to home University of Harvard in Massachusetts SSR. I am making arrangement for his departure on Mil Mi-24 gunship helicopter, which is delivering shipment of supplies to secret location close to emergency secondary headquarters, in few weeks’ time. In meanwhile, Bobby is spending many hours in hot tub. I am also sometimes seeing Bobby making strange faces at own reflection in two-way mirror, unaware as I am watching from other side. Perhaps next American intern is demonstrating more intelligence. Also, more physical strength and speed, for carrying firewood and hunting wild animals for food.