Workers of Every American College Football Team, Unite!

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Unite! Trade union for American college football players! More  potatoes  for hungry athletes!

Unite! Trade union for American college football players! More potatoes for hungry athletes!

Is much discontent at American universities over question of paying money to student-athletes on college football teams. American college football is big business. Is making many rubles for universities (top officials, especially) and television executives, and bringing much entertainment to common, proletariat fans all over country and world.

So what is problem?

Problem is for student-athletes, who da, are attending university in exchange for playing football, but are also seeing university athletic director, assistant coach, and television executive making many hundreds, thousands, millions of rubles from game, all while players are eating simple meal of cold Tyurya in shared kitchen of student dormitory built in 1970s!

Many is agreeing this is unfair deal. Best star player is appearing on university propaganda without receiving payment. Players at big programs is spending many more hours on football training than on academic studies, and this is true expectation of university!

This is question: is college football player more like student, or employee? Or is something in middle, like student who is also receiving payment from university? You are calling this “work-study” or “internship” at American university, da? I am just lear–

Intern Bobby is saying...[Hey everyone - Robert here (aka "Bobby the Intern" lol!) I taught Georgy ALL ABOUT internships, co-ops, work-study, etc. Not that I ever *had* to do work-study, but I still know what it is. I actually didn't even know about internships until I took this one. Thing is, all the money here has like, the Greek alphabet or Arabic or whatever written all over it, so I have no idea how much I'm actually getting paid so far. Whatevs, it's all cool (and very, very cold!) here in Somewhere, Russia. Anyway - don't miss the action over on Twitter!]

As was saying, previous to interruption from Intern Bobby…

Players at Northwestern University is becoming first group to attempt to organize labor union, so this group can negotiate many benefits and protections for players.

NCAA is then suggesting special rules for “Power 5” conferences, so that these big-time schools can purchase more luxuries for athletes, so these players are feeling more special to football players at smaller programs. Is simple bribe.

University officials and NCAA are afraid when workers is organizing. Is meaning fewer rubles for pockets of top officials. Current system is very good for athletic director and NCAA bol’shaya shiska! When proletariat is taking back power, this is revolution, and is always meaning trouble for former, how do you say… “top dog”?

History of college football under NCAA is history of oppression! NCAA says it is boss of conferences. Conference says it is boss of member schools. School says it is boss of football coaches. Coach says he is boss of players. NYET! True power is down there, at lowest level! If basement level of apartment tower block is wanting to shake in Russian Far East earthquake, then every floor of apartment tower block is also shaking!

To see future of American college football, you are only having to look in history book of past. What is happening if all American college football player is going on general strike? No football playing on Saturday? In certain sectors, such as Alabama SSR or Texas SSR, this is leading to violent uprising, perhaps even attempt to overthrow government!

Humble potato is good food. Is similar shape to American football.

Humble potato is good food. Is similar shape to American football.

That is why here, exclusive to Commie Football, is simple NCAA-proposal for solution of union rules for all college football players. Is good solution, because is addressing critical problem of hungry athletes:

  1. If player name/image is being embroidered into banner, babushka, or decorative wall hanging – player is earning one potato.
  2. If player name/image is being used by university for promotion of football games or university propaganda – player is earning two potatoes.
  3. If player name/image is being used in video entertainment game for lazy youths – player is earning three potatoes.
  4. If player name/image is being used as one figurine in souvenir Russian nesting doll, player is earning four potatoes.
  5. Players is collecting potatoes at end of season, to eat at ceremonial meal marking continuation of winter for many more weeks.
  6. If there is shortage of potatoes, best substitute is cabbage. Players will not notice difference.

Speaking of potato, I am almost forgetting to dig one for Bobby to eat for his next breakfast, in two days’ time.

Introducing of Intern Bobby

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Here is recent photo of Comrade Bob Bob, when he is Komsomol member.

HERE IS RECENT PHOTO OF INTERN BOBBY. [Psst... hey, this is Robert. The intern. This is totally not a picture of me! (Obvs.) Georgy is all like, freaking OUT about being anonymous on the web, or whatever. I said he could pick my alter ego and he goes, "here is you."]

As Commie Football site is preparing for soon-to-begin 2014 season, is important for keeping enough man staffing Commie Football World Wide Web properties.

As is such, this blog is to introduce reader to new Commie Football intern. Is native-born American university student by full name of Robert R. Roberts III, who is now having new nickname as “Intern Bobby.” Here he is introducing:

Hey “Commie Football” fans! It’s great to be here in Russia! Seriously a LONG flight. I do typically go by Robert, btw.

So… my original internship with Abercrombie didn’t pan out. Good news is a friend-of-a-friend got me this gig. Working at a startup looks REALLY good on my résumé, you know? And studying abroad is like, sooo rewarding. I supposedly have some Russian on my mother’s side or something, so this seems like a solid opportunity. And if this site ever goes viral or whatever, I think that means I could like, potentially cash in? So I’m SUPER-psyched. Pretty easy so far. Except for the jet lag!

A little bit about me. I’m a rising Junior at Harvard, and even though I’m all *WTF* to see my Crimsons categorized on “Tier 2” (I mean, when is Harvard NOT considered Tier 1? lol), I am looking forward to this internship, and I hope to learn a lot more about football! Or maybe even  communism, maybe? I’m already learning about how cold it is here! I need one of those furry hats, right? ;)

Anyway, Georgy says he wants me to help out with his Twitter. First we have to figure out the login/pw because he forgot it! Gotta rock those tweets! ttyl

Please say kind things to Intern Bobby on Commie Football Twitter page. Is only boy and is just now learning about difficult world. First lesson is bringing me hot cup of tea!

American College Football Fans Can Now Make Marks on Kalendar

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2014-schedule-is-arrivingFollowing realignment announcements of spring, today is big day during off-season summer, for when all of American college football fan is waiting!

Nyet, is not arrival of shipment of fresh cherry plums from Crimea – is release of schedule for 2014 Commie Football season. Week One games is beginning first weekend in September, then is running for 12 weeks in row to end weekend before Thanksgiving.

Maybe you are fan of Tier 2 instead of Tier 1? You are then having to wait for little while longer for schedule release, like you are waiting for other things in very long line at local market – cherry plums, baking flour, medicine for children, etc. (UPDATE: Tier 2 Schedule is now also posted on same page.)

The Commie Football schedule is optimized for ensuring good competition to all teams, and most enjoyment for all American college football fans. For this coming fall football season, fans are finding zero ridiculous cupcake games, many interesting games between regional rivals, and many games featuring very best teams in country, instead of top teams never meeting due to archaic “conference” system of BCS past.

Here is few interesting facts about 2014 Commie Football schedule, for all fans to enjoy:

1. 2014 season is beginning with many large bangs! You are liking matchups between big college programs? Look at opening weekend schedule with very wide eyes:

  • Florida State vs. Oklahoma State
  • Alabama vs. Oklahoma
  • Louisville vs. Oregon
  • Ohio State vs. USC
  • Michigan vs. Stanford
  • Penn State vs. Clemson
  • Missouri vs. Baylor
  • Michigan State vs. UCLA
  • Auburn vs. Boise State
  • Wisconsin vs. LSU

And this is only opening weekend games, comrade! Because of superior scheduling formula, every week of season is seeing many games with matchups of “big time”.


Every team is playing 12 games: all 5 other teams in same DIVISION; 3 or 4 teams from other division in same DISTRICT; and 3 or 4 teams from different DISTRICT.

2. Because of unique method of assigning district rank to every team (based on previous season record), all non-district game is against team with same rank, so schedule is being more fair for all teams.

3. Even with advanced schedule formula, sometimes is important rivalry game that is falling through crack. Schedule is leaving one space (Week 11) as “open” for any missing rivalry game, so every team who is having big rival in different division/district is able to schedule important game for enjoyment of fans. As example, here is some games that happen in Week 11 this season:

  • Alabama vs. Auburn (both in District 4, but different Divisions)
  • Texas (District 6) vs. Oklahoma (District 7)
  • Georgia (Distict 2) vs. Florida (District 4)
  • Oregon vs. Stanford (both in District 8, but different Divisions)
  • Virginia (District 1) vs. Virginia Tech (District 2)
  • West Virginia (District 1) vs. Marshall (District 3)
  • Ohio State (District 2) vs. Penn State (District 1)
  • Tennessee (District 2) vs. Vanderbilt (District 4)

Because of superior Commie Football schedule, all college football fans can now stop crying about not seeing favorite rival teams!

4. Every college football team is spending less money for travel. Cost of travel is very large struggle for many football programs. Especially with rise in price of petrol following recent troubles in Crimea and Ukraine. In Commie Football system, every team is being geographically grouped in District, so this cost is not so high as in old BCS system. Student athletes is very comfortable riding in wagon for short trips.

You are staying tuned for release of Tier 2 schedule for 2014 season! (UPDATE: Tier 2 Schedule is now also posted on same page.)

Tier 2 Realignment Boogaloo

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Here is photo my friend is posting to VKontakte social network website of summer 2014 vacation trip to Lake Baikal. #nofilter

Here is photo my friend is posting to VKontakte social network website of spring 2014 vacation trip to Lake Baikal. #nofilter

Privet again to every reader! Am just now returning to site after many weeks of long journey to new spring vacation spot of Lake Baikal. Is little bit more cold than normal vacation setting of Black Sea resort in Crimea, but water is very different, very refreshing. You are seeing accompanying photograph and also have longing to visit beautiful Baikal? Here is word of advice – bring flare pistol, in case you are needing of wilderness rescue. This, I am learning hard way!


Is now time for review of realignment of Tier 2 teams for upcoming 2014 Commie Football season. Tier 2 is more complicated bear than Tier 1, because new teams are both falling down from Tier 1 and also rising up from Tier 3. This is due to promotion and relegation system.

Here is convenient list showing realignment of Tier 2 Districts for 2014 season (new Tier 2 team is in bold like this; team moving to new District is in italic like this):

DISTRICT 1: Yale Bulldogs is being promoted from Tier 3. This is making Stony Brook Seawolves move to South division, which is in turn causing Blue Hens of Delaware move to District 2.

  • North: Brown, Harvard, Maine, New Hampshire, UMass, Yale
  • South: Lafayette, Lehigh, Penn, Princeton, Stony Brook, Villanova

DISTRICT 2: Is welcoming Delaware from District 1, which is cause for Old Dominion shift to South division. 2013 South division champion Coastal Carolina is moving to District 3.

  • North: Delaware, James Madison, Liberty, Richmond, Towson, William & Mary
  • South: Appalachian State, Elon, Norfolk State, North Carolina A&T, North Carolina Central, Old Dominion

DISTRICT 3: Two new teams is promoted to this District from Tier 3 – Charlotte 49ers and Georgia State Panthers. Also is welcome to Chanticleers of Coastal Carolina from District 2, which is pushing Georgia Southern to South division. With three new teams in District, is forcing move of Alabama State, South Alabama, and Troy Trojans to District 4.

  • North: Charlotte, Citadel, Coastal Carolina, Furman, South Carolina State, Wofford
  • South: Bethune-Cookman, Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, Florida International, Georgia Southern, Georgia State

DISTRICT 4: Is entire new configuration. “East” division from last season is now “North” division, and is including Alabama State from District 3. New “South” division is combining South Alabama and Troy from District 3 with four teams from District 6 – Jackson State, Southern U, Southern Miss, and Tulane. Middle Tennessee and Tennessee State is now in District 5, and Memphis Tigers is earning Tier 1 promotion. Murray State is also being relegated to Tier 3 for this season.

  • North: Alabama A&M, Alabama State, Chattanooga, Jacksonville State, Samford, UAB
  • South: Jackson State, South Alabama, Southern U, Southern Miss, Troy, Tulane

DISTRICT 5: Is also changing from East/West to North/South divisions. Indiana State is being relegated to Tier 3, and Toledo Rockets is moving in after relegation from Tier 1. Also is now having Middle Tennessee and Tennessee State from District 4. Eastern Illinois and Illinois State is moving to District 6.

  • North: Akron, Buffalo, Central Michigan, Eastern Michigan, Western Michigan, Youngstown State
  • South: Eastern Kentucky, Miami (OH), Middle Tennessee, Tennessee State, Toledo, Western Kentucky

DISTRICT 6: North division is staying same as 2013, but South division is being reconfigure, with five new teams coming from Districts 4 and 5.

  • North: North Dakota, North Dakota State, Northern Iowa, South Dakota, South Dakota State, Western Illinois
  • South: Central Arkansas, Eastern Illinois, Illinois State, Missouri State, Southern Illinois, Tennessee-Martin

DISTRICT 7: Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks is being relegated here from Tier 1. Is causing Tier 2 champion North Texas Mean Green to shift to West division.

  • East: Lamar, Louisiana-Monroe, McNeese State, Northwestern State, Same Houston State, Stephen F. Austin
  • West: New Mexico, New Mexico State, North Texas, Northern Arizona, Texas State, UTEP

DISTRICT 8: Is only one change. Hawaii is moving up, and San Jose State is being relegated here from Tier 1.

  • North: Colorado State, Eastern Washington, Idaho, Montana, Montana State, Wyoming
  • South: Cal Poly, Sacramento State, San Jose State, Southern Utah, UC Davis, UNLV


Next on Commie Football offseason agenda is release of 2014 schedule for all Tier 1 and Tier 2 teams. You are remembering – because of innovative organization of teams, no team is having easy schedule filled with cupcake opponents! Also, site will soon be having update to map.

Summer is Time for Realign!

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2014 RealignmentIs like when Crimea is “realigning” with Mother Russia. Is best solution for the people.

When 2013 Commie Football season is reaching exciting conclusion, with Seminoles of Florida State winning thrilling Rose Bowl championship game over Oregon Ducks, every fan is then thinking all American college football action is coming to halt. That PUACF officials is taking long summer holiday in Black Sea resort.

NYET! Is not true! Is too much preparation to do for upcoming 2014 Commie Football season! (Also, is not best year for Black Sea holiday.)

In recent post, you are learning about promotion and relegation. This is process when some teams is moving down from Tier 1 to Tier 2 (and vice-versa) after each season. Is also happening on Tier 2 and Tier 3. Is important for making certain all teams is playing on appropriate level of strength and competition. For Tier 1 teams, is eliminating schedule filled with games against weak, cupcake opponents, like in old BCS system.

Next important process of offseason is realignment. In Commie Football, “realignment” is not curse word! Is not happening because school is hoping to collect more filthy capitalist dollars with better television contract of different conference! Nyet, is happening because in Commie Football, every District is being organized by true geography. When new teams is moving in or out of Tier 1, is creating new geographic distribution. This is requiring realignment to fix. For 2014 season, is three new teams in Tier 1.

Here is convenient outline showing realignment of Tier 1 Districts for 2014 season (new Tier 1 team is in bold like this; team moving to new District is in italic like this):

DISTRICT 1: Is nothing to see. All 12 teams from 2013 is staying same.

  • North: Army, Boston College, Connecticut, Rutgers, Syracuse, Temple
  • South: Maryland, Navy, Penn State, Pittsburgh, Virginia, West Virginia

DISTRICT 2: Is losing 2013 District champion Louisville Cardinals, and also strong Vanderbilt team. But is replacing with popular Georgia Bulldogs and little bit less-popular rival, Yellowjackets of Georgia Tech.

  • East: Duke, East Carolina, North Carolina State, North Carolina, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest
  • West: Clemson, Georgia, Georgia Tech, Kentucky, South Carolina, Tennessee

DISTRICT 3: Toledo Rockets is being relegated to Tier 2. Is causing shuffle of teams, with powerful Louisville Cardinals moving into District. Also, Bowling Green is switching to North division.

  • North: Ball State, Bowling Green, Indiana, Michigan, Michigan State, Notre Dame
  • South: Cincinnati, Kent State, Louisville, Marshall, Ohio, Ohio State

DISTRICT 4: With Georgia and Georgia Tech move to District 2, and LSU move to District 6, District 4 is now to welcome Vanderbilt and Arkansas State. Plus, is also new home of Memphis Tigers, promoted from Tier 2. Last, Auburn Tigers is joining Florida schools in East division.

  • East: Auburn, Florida, Florida State, Miami (FL), South Florida, UCF
  • West: Alabama, Arkansas State, Memphis, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, Vanderbilt

DISTRICT 5: Is no change. All 12 teams is staying in same division as 2013.

  • North: Illinois, Minnesota, Northern Illinois, Northwestern, Purdue, Wisconsin
  • South: Iowa, Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Nebraska

DISTRICT 6: Is having most changes of all Districts. Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks is now relegated to Tier 2, replacement is new promoted team Roadrunners of UTSA. LSU Tigers is moving in from District 4, and is three-team swap with District 7 – Baylor, SMU, and TCU move in, and Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Tulsa move out. Is making most Texas teams now in this District (except Texas Tech).

  • East: Arkansas, Houston, Louisiana-Lafayette, LSU, Louisiana Tech, Rice
  • West: Baylor, SMU, TCU, Texas, Texas A&M, UTSA

DISTRICT 7: As explaining above, all Oklahoma teams is now moving to this District. 2013 District 7 champion Baylor Bears is leaving. Also TCU and SMU.

  • North: Air Force, Boise State, BYU, Colorado, Utah, Utah State
  • South: Arizona, Arizona State, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas Tech, Tulsa

DISTRICT 8: Is only one change. San Jose State is being relegated to Tier 2. Replacement team is Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii.

  • North: California, Nevada, Oregon, Oregon State, Washington, Washington State
  • South: Fresno State, Hawaii, San Diego State, Stanford, UCLA, USC

Tier 2 is also having realignment, but details is following another day, after short holiday for PUACF officials. Instead of Black Sea, holiday trip is scheduled for Lake Baikal. It is taking many days to reach.