Is New Czar of American College Football!

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In commemoration of championship 2015 season, fans of Clemson Tigers is adding Commie Football symbol to symbolic Howard's Rock monument.

In commemoration of championship 2015 season, University of Clemson is adding Commie Football logo to symbolic Howard’s Rock monument.

TIER 1 CHAMPION: TIGERS OF CLEMSON!

Pozdravlyayu to Tigers of Clemson, champion of 2015 Commie Football college football season! Clemson is defeating USC Trojans 33-25 in Commie Fiesta Bowl championship game, to end season as final team in hot spotlight of eternal glory.

Result is perhaps different than college football fans is expecting. In corrupt College Football Playoff system, Clemson is losing in championship game to Alabama Crimson Tide. But in world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide (9-3, #10) is not qualifying for playoffs! Bama loss to Ole Miss (9-3, #6) in Week 2 is later handing division title and playoff invitation to Rebels at end of season. Clemson is then defeating Ole Miss in playoffs, Round 2 on path to eternal glory, despite mediocre offense (#31) and defense (#22) rankings!

In village of Tuscaloosa, this is tragedy… yet every other village in America is very happy with this result. Is many more surprising results to read in final 2015 Standings.

MYSTERIES OF SUPERCOMPUTER

Is unusual finding of Soviet supercomputer. Despite championship game victory, Clemson is yet finishing season as #2 Top Power rank! Advanced supercomputer algorithm is placing Oklahoma Sooners (13-2) as #1 rank team, despite loss to Clemson in Round 3 playoff game. Is small, meaningless honor for Oklahoma, perhaps good fact for propaganda poster to attract new football recruits. Top Power rank is complex mathematical calculation, and supercomputer is unburdened by weak human emotion.

But is no celebration this day in Norman, Oklahoma SSR. Only in village of Clemson, South Carolina SSR is brief celebratory gathering permitted. There, as reward for successful season, one bottle of good Sovetskoye Shampanskoye is flowing clear and plentiful, like Volga River.

For USC Trojans (12-4, #3), long, unexpected good season is yet having very sad ending, like Tolstoy novel. Following loss to Florida State in Week One, USC is defeating strong division opponents UCLA and Stanford, and collecting enough victories to make playoffs. There, Trojans is utilizing #8-rank offense to avenge regular season losses to both Washington Huskies and Fighting Irish of Notre Dame on surprise path to championship game. Perhaps is not enough strength remaining to win final battle? Perhaps Trojan armor is having small hole, which enemy is exploiting?  

Southern Miss Eagles is proving superior to San Jose State to claim Tier 2 championship.

Southern Miss To The Top!… of Tier 2 level after defeat of Spartans of San Jose State.

TIER 2 CHAMPION: GOLDEN EAGLES OF SOUTHERN MISS

But Clemson is not only new champion team of America college football! Southern Miss Golden Eagles (15-1, #1 rank) is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Spartans of San Jose State 43-32 in battle between #1 and #5 offenses on Tier 2 level.

Southern Miss is losing first game of season to weak Eastern Washington team, but is then executing difficult task of winning all remaining games – 15 total, including playoff victory over powerful WKU – to seize championship glory! Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season.

Spartans of San Jose State (13-2, #2), despite Week Nine loss to division rival UNLV, is making overall impressive season to become second consecutive T2/District 8 representative in championship game.

Is unfortunate situation, but due to ration, supply of Sovetskoye Shampanskoye is limited. Only South Carolina SSR is receiving one bottle. Fans in Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR is permitted to drink water from Leaf River, infused with bubbles from military air compressor. One liter each, maximum.

Our work has only begun. In our time we have an historic opportunity to shape a global balance of power that favors freedom and that will therefore deepen and extend the peace. And I use the word power broadly, because even more important than military and indeed economic power is the power of ideas, the power of compassion, and the power of hope.
I’m very glad my mother didn’t let me quit piano lessons at age 10. She said I wasn’t old enough or good enough to make that decision, and she was right. I remember at the time I was shocked. I did not like that my mother said those things to me. But when I got a chance to play with Yo-Yo Ma or more recently with Aretha Franklin, I thought, I’m really glad she said what she did.

SEASON IS COMPLETE. WHAT IS NOW PLAN?

Now is beginning of long college football offseason. But is not meaning is time for lazy American, sitting on fat yagoditsy, thinking only of taking perfect profile photo on VKontakte social website! (This is subtle message, intending for Bobby.)

Is yet much work to do to prepare for 2016 season! First is promotion and relegation, then necessary realignment on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels, and last is creation of new 2016 Commie Football schedule

Da, supercomputer is also requiring of critical repairs. Is complex pipe network inside supercomputer, to make cold environment, like Siberia just before dawn. Computer power is very hot. Is making big enough heat to supply entire interior of Emergency Secondary Headquarters! Including for hot tub of Bobby (there is other secret hot tub in complex, I am never showing to Bobby).

But if heat is too great, critical components of supercomputer is melting into puddle, like Kolka Glacier, due to recent global warming, due to necessary Soviet nuclear missile training and testing.

When Sibirskiye iris is beginning summer bloom, Intern Kyle is ending internship. Is difficult work to coordinate secret airlift for departure. Location is very remote. I am beginning this paperwork process soon, perhaps tomorrow. First step is requiring completion of webform on Internet, which I am asking Bobby to do. Is unusual. Bobby is completing this task very quickly….

Tier 2 Playoffs: Spear is Puncturing Rocket, Causing Malfunction

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Here is photo of Soviet missile defense system Southern Miss Eagles is using against attack of Toledo Rockets.

University of Southern Miss is spending many rubles on construction of missile defense system, in expectation of attack from Toledo Rockets. But is ineffective in fighting Spartan. Now, is useless, and yet student is having to pay special tax!

Like brutal Battle of Stalingrad, each new Commie Football season is war of attrition. Superior schedule matrix is meaning no team is ever playing weak, cupcake opponent from lower-tier school! And when is team enjoying relaxing, lazy American tradition of “bye week” during season? NEVER!  Each game is yet one battle in vicious, season-long war! Is impossible to win all! Only very strongest teams from each District is winning enough to advance to playoffs, and there must fight to death, four more strong opponents on path to eternal championship glory!

Following relegation after bad 2012 season on Tier 1 level, Southern Miss Eagles is landing in same division as Tulane Green Wave. Tulane is easy crushing Eagles in both 2013 and 2014 regular seasons. But now, is 2015. Tulane is moving to new District during off-season realignment, allowing Golden Eagles to gain strength enough to finally defeat rival Green Wave in Week 11 victory.

This week, is rematch of brutal enemies. Could Southern Miss again defeat Green Wave of Tulane? You are knowing this, now.

Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR
Final Score: Southern Miss 44, Tulane 26
Notes: Like powerful-yet-lightweight paper towel (invention of Soviet science during Great Patriotic War) Southern Miss (14-1, #1) is fully absorbing Green Wave of Tulane, like scum from surface of stagnant ozero, and then wringing out, into backyard stochnaya truba, to eliminate from 2015 Tier 2 championship chase! Tulane (10-5, #8) is having good season, even better than 2014, but is perhaps already expending too much of own wave energy during upset defeat of Georgia Southern last week. Next question is this – can Southern Miss Eagles fulfill destiny and win Tier 2 championship game next week?

Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Toledo, Ohio SSR
Final Score: San Jose State 34, Toledo 33
Notes: Like true warriors of ancient Sparta, where every citizen is member of military, Spartans of San Jose State (13-2, #2) is making successful invasion of enemy Ohio SSR territory, winning difficult victory by single point of spear, to advance to championship game and eternal glory, maybe! SJSU is having almost as powerful offense (#4 rank) as Southern Miss (#1), but Spartans defense (#40) is superior to USM (#54). Can San Jose State rise up to fight greatest battle of season versus powerful Southern Miss, or will Spartans experience another Battle of Leuctra?

Uggghh… forgot about all the stupid “incident reports” I have to fill out! Type, type, type! I asked Georgy if I could go BACK into the interrogation chamber and just like, hang out there instead of having to do this paperwork, but he said he changed the passcode.
Dude. Whatever was in that hyperbaric sleep chamber gas? I keep thinking I’m seeing Condoleezza Rice walking around this place, and it’s wigging me out.

WHO IS WINNING FINAL BATTLE OF 2015 SEASON? WILL EAGLE FLY HIGH IN SKY, OR WILL SPARTAN IMPALE WITH SPEAR?

On one hand, eagle is having very sharp talons, for ripping and shredding meat of prey. Attack is coming swift from above, tearing into critical areas, such as eyes, and brain. Once prey is on ground, eagle is then striking with sharp beak into chest, ripping out heart and eating in view of victim, who is yet breathing and conscious for many seconds.

On other hand, Spartan warrior is mindless machine of killing, training from very young age how to throw spear with great accuracy, and use sword to impale enemy, without mercy or hesitation. If bleeding victim is then begging for mercy, Spartan is immediately thrusting sword again through heart and/or brain, to ensure quick death. Then Spartan is searching for next enemy victim.

Playoffs Round 3: Trojan & Tiger To Fight in Colosseum

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Here is photo showing beautiful "Babushka Girls" who is leading USC Trojan fans in chants of school loyalty, during football game.

Here is photo showing beautiful “Babushka Girls” who is leading USC Trojan fans in chants of school loyalty, during football game.

WHO WILL BE TRUE CHAMPION? USC TROJANS OR CLEMSON TIGERS?

World of Commie Football is intriguing, parallel universe, bringing order to old chaotic system of determining American college football champion. Simple-minded critic is saying that Commie Football supercomputer is calculating impossible result, as when Utah State Aggies is winning 2012 championship. But in both 2013 and 2014 seasons, Commie Football supercomputer is crowning same champion (Florida State, Ohio State) as ludicrous CFP system. Then, is more complaints, asking always in whining American voice – what is this to prove, when superior Soviet system is producing same result as idiot, capitalist BCS or CFP or NCAA or CIA system?

Is simple. Even young Kazakh child is understanding. Corrupt capitalist system, such as nonsense NCAA, is sometimes having good luck! Or, sometimes is same, obvious true best team in all universes of college football.

But 2015 is different, little bit. First, is both underdog teams winning in Round 3 playoff semifinal, eliminating Oklahoma Sooners (#1 Top Power rank) and Notre Dame (#2). One winning team – Clemson Tigers (12-3, #3) – da, is also contender for championship in corrupt CFP system. But other team – USC Trojans (12-3, #2) – is perhaps surprise contender to college football fan.

Is interesting, but where is so-called “CFP champion” Crimson Tide of Alabama? In world of Commie Football, Bama (9-3, #10) is not even receiving invitation to playoff, due to Week Two loss to eventual District 4 West champion Ole Miss Rebels (10-4, #6).

Do you hear this? In world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide Nation is, at end of regular season, crying like baby without raw goat milk! You are now liking this Soviet system already more, da?

Behold! Here is Round 3 playoff results:

Game: Aloha Bowl
Location: Honolulu, HI
Final Score: Clemson 37, Oklahoma 17
Notes: Score is perhaps not surprise to follower of inferior CFP college football system,  but in world of Commie Football, is great upset loss for top-rank Oklahoma (13-2, #1 rank yet, despite loss). Not only is Sooners losing opportunity for eternal championship glory, but is also falling in offense rank to #2 position, behind hated archrival Cowboys of Oklahoma State (10-2, #7). Is bringing back bad memory of time when all Oklahoma SSR was holding breath!

Sooners is now losing in second Aloha Bowl, consecutive. Perhaps is spending too much time sleeping on beach like lazy morskoy lev, rather than practice football. Since losing two early games in season to Appalachian State (Week 3) and Stanford (Week 4), Clemson is 10-1, losing only to Georgia (Week 9). Will Tigers prevail in hunt for championship?

Game: Peach Bowl
Location: Atlanta, GA
Final Score: USC 34, Notre Dame 33
Notes: In rematch of Week Eleven game between fierce rivals, Trojans of USC (12-3, #2) is making revenge on Fighting Irish (11-4, #4), finding path to victory this time by one point only, to advance to championship game. USC #6-rank offense is sneaking by Irish defense, but can same offense perform better vs. stronger Clemson #22-rank defense in championship?

Trojan vs. Tiger… is reminding of gladiator battle in ancient Colosseum of Italiya SSR….

For Notre Dame, is second season to lose in playoffs, but finish in top 5 Top Power rank. Perhaps luck of Irish is only taking so far. This is why luck of Russian is superior in end.

Finally out of the interrogation chamber. Uh… yay? Georgy’s all like, lecturing me and stuff about “passcode security” or whatever. As far as I’m concerned? I saved the day when I tucked that piece of paper with the passcodes on it into my journal, which I had HIDDEN in my bedroom chamber. Kinda sucks that I forgot I had used the same one for the Netflix account – I just grabbed whatever I could find. Hey – speaking of bed – I get to actually sleep on a MATTRESS for the first time in a while tonight. See ya cold, concrete floor!
I don’t know where Georgy got that photo of the USC Song Girls, but that is NOT how I remember them looking. Am I still sleeping?

INTERROGATION ROOM CONCLUSION 

Finally, I am finding paper with passcode information to unlock interrogation chamber, to set free Intern Kyle and Bobby after many days. Is very frustrating. I am searching with much effort, many rooms of Emergency Secondary Headquarters, but finding nothing.

One day, I am taking break from search, allowing brain to remember frustrating, unresolved plot question within old episode of American “Friends” television program, and am deciding to access this episode using Netflix via satellite feed, for research purpose. I am asking Bobby through bars of interrogation chamber for Netflix account passcode. He is saying it is written on piece of paper in scrapbook he is keeping in bedroom chamber.

I am already knowing of this scrapbook, but have not been reading recent entries. There, I am finding piece of paper with writing of BOTH NETFLIX AND INTERROGATION CHAMBER PASSCODES! Then, I am discovering that Bobby is using SAME PASSCODE for Netflix as code for unlocking interrogation chamber door! For the love of Condoleezza! Is insecure to use identical passcode for multiple purpose!  Here is more reason why Bobby is idiot!

Tier 2 Playoffs: Eagle Is Not Swimming Bird

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Green Wave Hits Statesboro!

Here is recent photo showing town of Statesboro, home to University of Georgia Southern, in American Georgia SSR. Damage to town is because of giant GREEN WAVE OF TULANE!

In former United States, eagle is most important animal. Da, is very large bird. Da, is beautiful to sight. But many Americans think this is superior, most powerful creature. But American eagle is having one critical weakness – this bird is unable to swim in water!

Georgia Southern (12-2, #2 Top Power rank) is learning this difficult lesson, in Tier 2/Round 2 playoff game, drowning in 34-27 defeat to avantyura Green Wave of Tulane!

In next Round 3, is yet another Eagle come to fight dangerous water of Tulane Green Wave! But this time, opponent is #1 Top Power rank Southern Miss Eagles!

But that is next week. Behold! ROUND 2 results of 2015 Tier 2 playoffs:

r2-t2-1v8Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR
Final Score: Southern Miss 63, South Dakota State 33
Notes: Little South Dakota State (9-5, #16) is display much vigor, but is no match for #1-rank offense of Eagles. Southern Miss is swooping down from sky, like MiG fighter jet, grabbing Jackrabbits of South Dakota State with strong claws, like iron, then lifting high into sky, then dropping from great height to cold, hard earth. Then USM is again swooping and lifting, to again drop to ground from high in sky, until Jackrabbits is dead. Then USM is feasting. Then perhaps removing pelt for warmth in cold, Siberian winter. Eagles is next facing Green Wave of Tulane (of District 7) in rematch of Week Eleven. Will Southern Miss again prevail? Or this time, will Green Wave drown Eagle?

r2-t2-2v7

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Statesboro, American Georgia SSR
Final Score: Tulane 34, Georgia Southern 27
Notes: For second season consecutive, Georgia Southern Eagles (12-2, #2) is entering Round 2 of Tier 2 playoffs ranked #2 Top Power, playing on home field against opponent with weaker offense and defense rank! But for second season, is visitor team claiming upset victory! Da, 9-4 season record is not impressive, but Tulane is also District champion for two seasons consecutive! Playing in playoff game is familiar experience, like eating small bowl of mama homemade pokhlebka. But will Green Wave be enough water to drown Eagles of Southern Miss (of District 4) dead like Eagles of Georgia Southern (who is yet #2 Top Power rank, despite loss)?

r2-t2-3v6

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Toledo, Ohio SSR
Final Score: Toledo 40, Villanova 18
Notes: Villanova (10-4, #9) is having #4-rank defense, but is not enough to prevent #19 offense of Toledo to always hit target in end zone with barrage of rockets. Can Rockets again fly high like Yuri Gagarin, and make true promise of glory from early in season? Is only one way to find out – Soviet supercomputer is deciding. Rockets is next facing Spartans of San Jose State (of District 8) in semifinal Round 3.

r2-t2-4v5

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: San Jose, California SSR
Final Score: San Jose State 48, James Madison 33
Notes: Both teams is possessing top-ten offenses, and both is spending many weeks of regular season in top ten of Top Power rankings.  But is only ticket for one team to Round 3 of Tier 2 playoffs. Perhaps due to advantage of home stadion, San Jose State is putting up many points on weak JMU defense (#57 rank). Spartans is next playing similar blue-and-yellow team, with weaker offense, but stronger defense. Can Spartan, fighting with only sword and shield, protect self from Toledo Rockets (of District 5) attack? Round 3 of playoffs is deciding.

ROUND 3 OF PLAYOFFS IS FINAL 4!

Here is schedule for Round 3 semifinals of Tier 2 playoffs:

  • (1) Southern Miss (13-1, #1) vs.
    (7) Tulane (10-4, #8)
  • (3) Toledo (12-2, #3) vs.
    (4) San Jose State (12-2, #4)

Is good semifinal schedule. Is shame #2 seed Georgia Southern Eagles is drowning in loss. But do not feel sad. Many Tier 2 teams is possible for promotion to Tier 1 next season, even if losing in playoffs. Is also possible for champion team, like 2013 North Texas Mean Green, to not qualify for promotion, if fans is not mandatory attending football game in sufficient numbers.