Week Seven: Playoff Dream is Dead for Very Few

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Fans of BYU is having little difficulty with new law.

In every capitalist college football system from old times, whether regime is having name NCAA, FBS, BCS, or CFP – for most teams at top level, one loss is meaning season is sunk, like Burevestnik class frigate struck by missile from German U-boat. Because of nonsense conference system, schedule full of cupcake games, and biased polls made by weak-minded American businessmen to determine best teams, is always controversy about what team is deserving to play championship game!

By Week Seven of typical season, only small handful of teams is having true chance. By end of regular season, only four teams (maybe less) is having hope to become champion. For most fans and student-athletes of American college football, is long, razdrazhayet season filled with frustration. What if favorite team is becoming very powerful near end of season? Sorry, is too bad for close loss in Week Two when star player is having broken leg wrapped in forest moss compress at halftime and is running at slow speed late in game!

I know what it is you think – is something like, “Well, the new College Football Playoff Selection Committee fixes everything. It takes a fair and unbiased look at every team, and carefully choose the four strongest to play for the championship.” Da, four-team playoff system is sounding small bit better than “wild western” bowl system of old, but is still having controversy because of “selection committee.” Most Americans do not understand that this is meaning committee members is “selecting” which university football booster collective is giving most bribe money, then selector is selecting this team for playoff!

Intern Bobby is saying...Ugh, fine. Commie Football is a WAY better system than like, regular college football with all 300 bowl games with weird corporate names or whatever. Obvs, I get it, etc. But this whole “no alcohol” thing until your team wins the championship? I don’t see how that’s gonna work. I said to Georgy, “People love to tailgate before football games and drink beer in the parking lot and stuff.” and he goes “Beer? In parking lot? This is greatest example of American alcohol drink?” and I’m like, “Yeah, like keggers and cocktails, and there’s some really good microbrews…” and he’s laughing, so I’m all “what?” and he goes, “Any congregation of two or more adult Americans without police surveillance is against law.”

In world of Commie Football, dream of championship is not over when team is losing only one game. Because of superior organization, scheduling, and 16-team playoff system, even after seven weeks of season, 80 out of 96 Tier 1 teams is today yet having chance of making playoffs. Only very weak teams such as SMU, Colorado, Iowa State, and Vanderbilt (all 0-7), or Virginia Tech Hokies, Cincinnati, and surprise Crimson Tide of Alabama (all 1-6), is already disqualified from playoffs, because team must have seven wins to enter playoffs, not like pathetic 6-6 or 5-7 team receiving invitation to play in new bowl game named after California SSR startup company!

Is clear, Commie Football is much better system. Fans from all around America is maintaining beautiful dream of glorious playoff run until late in season. Then, one by one, every fan of 95 teams from across entire American continent is feeling deep shame when favorite team is not becoming champion. This shame is extending to next football season. Is only one champion every season in Commie Football! Losing team does not receive “trophy for participation” as in weak, sissy, American youth sports collective of old times!

If playoffs were to begin this day, here would be lineup of round one District Championship games:

  • District 1: Temple Owls (7-0, #4 Top Power rank) vs. West Virginia (6-1, #13)
  • District 2: East Carolina (6-1, #12) vs. Georgia Bulldogs (6-1, #6)
  • District 3: Notre Dame (7-0, #2) vs. Ohio State Buckeyes (6-1, #5)
  • District 4: Florida State (7-0, #3) vs. Ole Miss (7-0, #1)
  • District 5: Wisconsin (5-2, #22) vs. Nebraska (5-2, #20)
  • District 6: Arkansas (6-1, #7) vs. Texas A&M (6-1, #10)
  • District 7: Oklahoma Sooners (5-2, unranked) vs. Boise State (5-2, unranked)
  • District 8: California Golden Bears (6-1, #8) vs. USC (6-1, #9)

ATTENTION: If you are fan of team appearing on this list, is not yet time to strain sourmash mixture through cheesecloth strainer, for making homemade alcohol drink. Is yet five more games in season to determine ultimate playoff teams!

BUT WHO WOULD BE TIER 2 LINEUP FOR SAME IMAGINARY PLAYOFF DAY?

If Tier 2 playoffs were also to begin this day, here would be lineup of round one District Championship games:

  • District 1: UMass (6-1, #7 Top Power rank) vs. Villanova (5-2, #18)
  • District 2: William & Mary (6-1, #11) vs. Appalachian State (5-2, #22)
  • District 3: Coastal Carolina (5-2, #19) vs. Georgia Southern (7-0, #2)
  • District 4: Samford (7-0, #5) vs. Tulane (4-3, unranked)
  • District 5: Western Michigan (7-0, #3) vs. Toledo (5-2, #24)
  • District 6: Northern Iowa (6-1, #12) vs. Illinois State (5-2, #16)
  • District 7: Stephen F. Austin (7-0, #4) vs. UTEP (6-1, #9)
  • District 8: Colorado State (7-0, #1) vs. UNLV (5-2, unranked)

You are feeling with much surprise, no? Behold beautiful, poetic playoff lineups, with teams from every corner of country! Some is having high rank, others is not. Some is coming from weak District, while others is forged like iron in difficult District. But every team is needing victory to advance to next round.

Intelligence of leaders and algorithm of Soviet supercomputer is teaching American people true meaning of superior college football system. Pozhaluysta.

Week Six: All of America is Hearing Loud Screeches

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In recognition of Temple Owls flying high to #2 Top Power ranking, city officials is issuing one commemorative flag to every Philadelphia household.

In recognition of Temple Owls progress to #2 Top Power ranking, Philadelphia mayor is issuing commemorative flag to every household in city. Is required by penalty of imprisonment to hang outside door.

WHAT IS THIS SCREECHING SOUND? SHRILL, LIKE FEROCIOUS, SWOOPING BIRD?

Oh, is only unbeaten Temple Owls, who at halfway point of 2014 season is having flown on strong wings to #2 Top Power rank. On Week Six Scoreboard, Temple is defeating Virginia Cavaliers in close game, 30-26.

Here is warning to all teams: OWLS IS HAVING SHARP CLAWS! This is surprise to you? If you are following 2014 Commie Football Schedule, you are seeing that Temple is defeating all decent Tier 1 teams, no cupcakes: South Carolina Gamecocks, Rutgers, Syracuse, Wazzou, Pitt, now Virginia. In world of Commie Football, victories is most important measure of success. Team with best record is higher in Top Power rank than team who is knowing what is like to be called neudachnik by bully friends!

Remainder of schedule is looking in favor of Owls, who is playing many other weak District 1 teams. Can Temple Owls become undefeated #1 rank team? All citizens in city of Philadelphia is holding breath, like submerged top-secret Shchuka nuclear attack submarine.

All of Philadelphia is catching fever of Temple Owls. Here is special bell, which city official is ringing when Temple is making #2 Top Power rank. Is very sad because useless old bell, which is at one-time important symbol of old American regime, is having large crack and is making ugly sound.

All of Philadelphia is catching fever of Temple Owls. Here is special bell, which city official is ringing when Temple is making #2 Top Power rank. Is very sad because useless old bell, which is at one-time important symbol of old American regime, is having large crack and is making ugly sound.

WEEK SIX FOOTBALL GAME HIGHLIGHTS:

  • District 1: Temple is beating Virginia 30-26, da-da-da, is discussed above. But is tie at top of South Division between Penn State (5-1, #16 Top Power) and West Virginia Mountaineers (5-1, #19). Nittany Lions is having edge, due to Week Three victory over WVU.
  • District 2: In battle of surprise first-place Division leaders, is East Carolina Pirates (5-1, #21 Top Power) defeating Kentucky Wildcats (5-1, #18) 28-20 for momentary District supremacy. With loss, Wildcats is now in tie at top of South Division with Georgia Bulldogs (5-1, #11). You can guess who Kentucky is playing in Week Seven, this week?
  • District 3 is also weak District. Leading North Division, unbeaten Notre Dame (6-0, #3 rank) is crushing Kent State Golden Flashes 65-25; Ohio State Buckeyes (5-1, #7) is leading South, following 31-24 lazy win vs. Bowling Green; Louisville (4-2) is trying to keep up, beating Ball State 51-21.
  • District 4: Undefeated Ole Miss (6-0) is holding on to #1 Top Power rank with 33-23 victory over the Gators of Florida; in best game of week, Florida State Seminoles (6-0, #5) is defeating strong Mississippi State (5-1, #12) 31-29; and oh! Look at Auburn (5-1, #14), wrecking own perfect record with stupid 32-21 upset defeat to Arkansas State! (Hmm… something about nickname “Red Wolves” is sounding good to me.)
  • District 5: Golden Gophers of Minnesota (5-1, #20) is standing alone at top of North Division, after brutal 29-8 takedown of defending District champ Mizzou (3-3); Nebraska (4-2) is staking claim in South Division, following 31-20 victory over tough Northwestern (4-2, #23); sharing lead with Cornhuskers is Iowa Hawkeyes (4-2), who is humiliating Northern Illinois 57-18.
  • District 6Arkansas Razorbacks (6-0, #6 rank) is almost as big of surprise as Temple, defeating Texas Longhorns 22-20 to remain unbeaten; Aggies of Texas A&M (6-0, #4) is surviving scare from Louisiana Tech, winning 29-28 but dropping one spot in Top Power rank; Baylor Bears (5-1, #10) is not so lucky, is “blowing it” in 50-41 upset loss to Rice Owls (2-4). Everywhere is dangerous Owls!
  • Everything is big mess in District 7, knocking all teams from Top Power 25! Utah Utes (3-3) is defeating Sooners of Oklahoma (4-2) in 30-29 upset victory; Utah State (4-2) is also winning in 27-21 upset over Oklahoma State Cowboys (4-2); Arizona Wildcats (4-2) is also beating BYU (4-2) 29-26, creating situation where there is three-way tie for first place in both North and South Divisions.
  • District 8: Halfway through season, is incredible eight teams from District 8 with identical 5-1 record and showing up in Top Power 25! Stanford (#8), UCLA (#9), Cal (#13), Beavers of Oregon State (#15), USC (#17), and Washington Huskies (#22). Is going to be ugly bloodbath in coming weeks in this District.

TIER 2: IS NEW SHERIFF IN TEXAS SSR

Forever resplendent in permanent green and orange uniform, Colorado State Rams (6-0) is defeating Cal Poly 49-16 and remaining T2 #1 Top Power team. But who is this at #2? Is Texas State Bobcats (6-0), who like true cat killing prey, is leaping two spots in Top Power rankings after 73-19 annihilation of sad Lamar Cardinals, even leaping over Georgia Southern (6-0, #3), who is winning 45-25 vs. one-time #1 Top Power team Coastal Carolina (4-2). Western Michigan (#4), Yale Bulldogs (#5), Stephen F. Austin (#6), and Samford (#7) is other remaining unbeaten teams in Tier 2.

Speaking of owl, I am of recent shooting such a wild bird that is landing on head of Intern Bobby, with arrow. First shot is not killing, so bird is making many scratches on head and face of Bobby, very much with sharp claws. I am then clubbing this bird with scrap of wood nearby. Wood is having old, rusty nail attached, and this is then stabbing Bobby in shoulder. Is accident. I am making cold compress from nearby forest moss for wound, and giving Bobby rest of day off. Is back to make Tweets, early next morning.

Which is Superior: Color Orange or Color Gold?

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Here is photo of Colorado State Rams on television wearing orange and green uniform.

Here is photo of Colorado State Rams on television wearing orange and green uniform.

As you are knowing, PUACF is great defender of tradition, especially traditional colors and uniforms of American college football teams.

Old tradition is like fine Rostov wine, taking many years to reach perfection. Many new football uniforms is looking bezvkusnyy, with nonsense swooshing stripes and shiny metal facemasks - is like cheap vodka, only popular for short time, then bottle is completely empty! As example of stupid trend, here is popular blog post from last season giving eight reasons why “blackout uniform” is possible worst idea ever to enter brain of man.

And yet… is rare to happen, but sometimes new idea is seeing light of day which is not stinking of pigsty. Last weekend, Colorado State Rams is leaping to #1 Top Power in Tier 2 ranking after defeat of strong San Jose State team. CSU in this game is celebrating “Ag Day” and wearing throwback uniform pairing normal green color with unusual orange color (as replacement for usual green/gold colors).

Intern Bobby is saying...OMG, so this “orange and green” thing? Totally MY IDEA. The other night, after I’d spent like, hours fixing some b.s. with Georgy’s spreadsheets, he’s all reflective, and staring into the fire or whatever, and he goes (in his weird Yakov Smirnoff accent) “What is it you are missing most, from your home in America?” and I’m like – without missing a beat – I’m like, “You know what? How ’bout some f-in’ GREEN or ORANGE food for once? I feel GROSS. All I’ve eaten since I’ve been in Russia has been like, shades of brown or gray…” and Georgy goes (in his accent) - “You are enjoying orange and green colors together?” and I’m like, “Yeah, dude – like, salad leaves? Orange juice?” and I start gesturing with my hands to help him understand, and next thing I know he’s babbling in Russian “Mishkrevbrovgruv… Colorado State… ishpooshkidhtov… orange and green… jablonikoff…” Uh… #foodpyramid 

In world of Commie Football, wearing of traditional school colors on football uniform is visible tribute to players who are dying on same field many years ago, creating bond that is strong between old and young generations, like iron shackle connecting legs of prisoners, preventing escape from gulag. This is how new nation is being created! This is more important even than fancy, new model of cellular telephone from Finland SSR manufacturer.

But orange and green? This is peculiar color scheme. What is meaning? Is making reference to early origins of CSU, when school was known as Colorado A&M technical kolledzha. When school is later becoming “big shot” university, spoiled American  officials of era is changing official school color from orange to gold, to look like having more wealth! Starting then, CSU is trying to compete with, but is instead feeling  inferior to Colorado University down road, who is having gold and black colors!

Spending dollars on fancy clothing, maybe even looking like – in Russian we say al’fons - is typical solution to problem of self-esteem in capitalist country!

But CSU throwback uniform is beautiful homage to proud, strong, technical school of old times long ago, when students is learning important jobs to prepare for work as farmer, pig farmer, goat herder, or maker of wooden farming tool, orange and green colors for Colorado State is tradition even older than tradition of gold and green colors!

CSU_2014For this reason, change is receiving official endorsement of Commie Football, as you are seeing here on CSU full 2014 schedule. Is new PUACF/CSU banner also there on right side.

PUACF is sometimes allowing very small amount of change as token gift to unhappy citizens. NOW IS BACK TO WORK!

Week Five: Mississippi SSR is Burning with Excitement

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mississippi-dancingFORMER CONFEDERATE SECTOR FROM OLD AMERICAN CIVIL WAR IS RISING!

Is most important weekend in entire history of Mississippi SSR administrative district! Of course, this is first reference to glorious 18-17 narrow victory of Ole Miss Rebels over Golden Knights of UCF this past weekend. With victory, Rebels is remaining undefeated #1 Top Power rank team for second week, consecutive. But is not only surprising good team in Mississippi SSR! Mississippi State Bulldogs, who is losing many games in history, and winning very few, is also surprise unbeaten, defeating Florida Gators 29-20 in Week Five of Commie Football.

Every American college football fan is all-of-sudden saying, “Dude! Can you believe it, man? Like, Ole Miss and Mississippi State are suddenly like, kicking ass, bro!”

In Russia, is not surprise. Advanced Soviet supercomputer algorithm is revealing weeks ago that both Ole Miss and MSU Bulldogs is starting season with very good Top Power rating. Once again, superior Commie Football system is revealing hidden truth about many American college football teams, many weeks more early to American underground media.

HERE IS RESULTS OF KEY TIER 1 LEVEL GAMES IN WEEK FIVE:

  • District 1: Unbeaten Temple Owls (5-0, #4 Top Power rank) is opening two-game lead in North Division, is continuing streak of winning with 27-15 victory over Pitt; Penn State (4-1, #22) is defeating defending District Champion Boston College, 23-19; also, Army (1-4) is winning first (and perhaps last!) game of season vs. hated rival Navy Midshipmen, 32-22.
  • Is surprise leaders in District 2! Kentucky Wildcats (5-0, #12) is continuing season of amazement so far with 33-31 close victory over Duke; East Carolina Pirates (4-1) is “Czar of Carolinas” and leading South Division after 45-31 defeat of Gamecocks of South Carolina.
  • District 3: The Fighting Irish (5-0, #6) is enjoying easy 29-14 win over Bearcats of Cincinnati, is leisurely walking away with North Division; Ohio State Buckeyes (4-1, #13) is having highest Top Power Score in country after 50-24 victory over Hoosiers of Indiana, but is only ranking #13 due to Week One loss to USC; rematch of last season round two playoff game is finding Louisville Cardinals beating Michigan State 25-16.
  • District 4: In East Division, defending champion Florida State Seminoles (5-0, #5) is making 33-10 humiliation of Alabama Crimson Tide, who is desperate searching for first victory of season; Auburn Tigers (5-0, #9) is keeping FSU company at top of standings; is much celebration in Mississippi SSR as both Ole Miss (5-0, #1) and Mississippi State Bulldogs (5-0, #10) is continuing with victories.
  • District 5: In spite of hideous blackout uniform, Northwestern Wildcats (4-1, #15) is leading North Division following 20-17 victory over Iowa Hawkeyes; Golden Gophers of Minnesota (4-1) is keeping pace with 26-19 win vs. Kansas Jayhawks; in rematch of last season district championship game, Mizzou is once again beating Wisconsin, this time by score of 24-19.
  • District 6: In only Week 5 battle of undefeated teams, it is Razorbacks of Arkansas (5-0, #8) defeating TCU Horned Frogs 36-32; In West Division, Texas A&M (5-0, #3) is winning 47-32 vs. the Ragin’ Cajuns of ULM; and of course, there is Baylor Bears (5-0), who is catapulting to #2 Top Power rank following 35-7 dismantle of LSU.
  • District 7: Largest upset win of week is Air Force (2-3) handing first loss of season to mighty Sooners of Oklahoma, by score 34-27; Oklahoma State Cowboys (4-1, #18) is defeating strong Boise State 42-35; BYU (4-1, #20) is in lead of North Division after 52-21 crushing of Tulsa.
  • District 8: California Golden Bears (4-1, #21) is making second large upset win of season with 39-36 defeat of Stanford; Is three-way tie between Cal, Oregon State Beavers (4-1, #24) and Washington Huskies (4-1) in North Division; in South, Trojans of USC (5-0, #11) is barely beating Nevada 43-42 and UCLA (5-0, #7) is taking down once flying-high-in-sky Oregon Ducks 30-27.

COLORADO STATE IS RAMMING WAY TO TOP OF TIER 2

Here is photo of Soviet Cosmonaut mission to explore black hole in outer space. Mission is almost failing, but brave Cosmonauts is facing danger with utmost of confidence, and all is returning to Mother Russia safely.

Here is photo of Soviet Cosmonaut mission to explore black hole in outer space. Mission is almost failing due to small star rolling through ship, but brave Cosmonauts is facing danger with very much of confidence, and all is returning to Mother Russia safely after mission is complete.

Meanwhile, on Tier 2 level, is chaos at top of Top Power 25! Top teams from last week – Coastal Carolina, Villanova, and UTEP – is all losing game in Week Five. This is creating “vacuum effect” at top of rankings.

Colorado State Rams (5-0) is new #1 Top Power team, winning 47-20 against San Jose State, who is team just being relegated from Tier 1 level after last season. You are remembering that CSU is last season, only losing by one point in Tier 2 Semifinal Playoff Game. This season, Rams is playing like team on mission. Mission is to sow destruction throughout Tier 2, win championship, and receive invitation for promotion to Tier 1 next season!

Georgia Southern is leaping to #2. This team is being followed by Akron Zips (#3), Texas State Bobcats (#4), Western Michigan (#5), Yale Bulldogs (#6), William & Mary (#7), and rest of list is here ongoing.

NOTE TO ALL AMERICAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL FANS, AROUND WHOLE WORLD

Southern Miss is also having winning 3-2 record, and is good enough for top of District 4 South Division. If Golden Eagles is continuing to win and rise in Top Power rankings, suspicion is growing strong around whole world that Commie Football is accepting bribe from rich comrades in Mississippi SSR. Is not true! As show of proof, is now new rule:

If all Mississippi Tier 1 and Tier 2 teams is making playoffs, Commie Football is giving authorization for Red Army invasion and occupation of Mississippi SSR.

NOTE TO MISSISSIPPI SSR

Look at Jackson State – no victories, and bringing up rear of District 4 South Division. Is nothing to fear.

History of Football in Soviet Russia

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lenin-throwing-football

Here is photograph showing Vladimir Lenin demonstration on proper throwing of forward pass.

stalin-watching-football-game

Here is photograph of Josef Stalin clapping hands following large gain by offense during football game.

50-yd-line-kremlin

As dying wish of Vladimir Lenin, football field is being built outside of his tomb in Red Square, so that his preserved corpse may have best view of action on 50-yard line.

Is yet many ignorant Americans having same belief as in friendly Twitter exchange above, that football is unique sport only being played in former United States.

This is lie! Is propaganda creation of former American government, who is always preventing truth from reaching ears of its people, as when is saying American astronauts is first to land on Moon! Or when there is “Miracle on Ice” in 1980 Olympic ice hockey match and United States is winning gold medal over superior CCCP team! Weak-minded Americans is always believing in miracles first, and in statements of fact last!

Truth about history of sport of football is this - sport being called “American football” is actual invention of Soviet Union. Is having origin when peasant farm workers is throwing potatoes as practice for grenade assault on Tsarist armies during Revolution of 1905. Vladimir Lenin is later writing first official rulebook, which is then stolen by American spy Walter Camp, who is introducing sport to United States.

Here is series of photographs from early history of sport, showing as 100% proof to all world of true origins.

Many football games is yet today being played on field beside tomb of Vladimir Lenin, who is enjoying game so much, country is building beautiful, popular football stadium beside his tomb. Artificial turf is necessary, due to sometimes harsh winter climate in Moscow.