Stupid History of American College Football Champion

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Logo for College Football Playoff is being based on cave drawing made by Neanderthal

Logo for College Football Playoff is being based on cave drawing made by Neanderthal many thousands of years ago.

AMERICA: FOREVER HUNGRY FOR TRUE COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION

For many years, angry American college football fans is arguing about best teams playing for championship. Is ancient tradition, older than sport itself, encoded in DNA of human species. Fans is like poor peasant nevol’nik, forever hungry. Is happy to boil and eat leather from own dirty shoe, because is tasting better than der’mo goulash older ancestor is eating.

College Football Playoff is making big promise to fix system and give to fans best format to determine one true champion at end of season. This is lie! CFP is simple repeating of history, with purpose to make most money for wealthy capitalist dogs! Even innocent, true angel Condoleezza is succumbing to seduction!

Below you are reading history of failure to determine yearly champion of American college football, and learning truth about many flaws of CFP system. Then, you are accepting of Commie Football 16-team playoff as best possible solution for determining of true champion!

Here is old KGB photo showing famous American gangster Albert Capone

Here is old KGB photo showing famous American gangster Albert Capone enjoying laugh and celebration with illegal alcoholic drink, after Illinois Fighting Illini is being named as 1927 national champion team.

 

Intern Bobby is saying...So, the other morning I’m up on the roof of the shack, clearing off like THREE FEET of snow, ‘cuz it’s covering all of the vent pipes and the shack is like a death sauna – completely filled with steam, smoke, and carbon monoxide. I’ve been feeling paranoid lately anyway, just because I keep seeing things in the woods (like this) and hearing weird noises and stuff. Plus, Georgy kept me up late, drinking his homemade vodka and telling me stories about the time he tracked a rabid bear for five days and eventually killed it with a sharp stick, all because it ruined his babushka’s cabbage crop. Anyway, so I’m more than a little out of it. I go to move these heavy, ice-packed branches off the roof, when suddenly – something tackles me. RACCOON ATTACK! I start screaming and curl into a ball, and there’s like three or four angry raccoons jumping on my head and back, hissing, biting, scratching (lucky I had on about a million layers). Georgy comes flying out of the shack, and I hear this metal “shhhiiiinnng!” sound, followed by squealing. I hear Georgy yelling “you know, you know!” and I’m all like, “YEAH, I KNOW! THEY’RE KILLING ME!” but I guess Russians call these critters “yenot” (or something like that). Anyway, Georgy goes all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon on them with his bayonets. He keeps the fattest one to make a stew out of it. And then (and this is the type of guy he is) he gives me an early Christmas present – a new yenot-skin cap!
  1. BIRTH OF SPORT: As this is explaining previous, sport named “American football” is invention of Soviet Union. Is having origin when peasant farm workers is throwing potatoes as practice for grenade assault on Tsarist armies during Revolution of 1905. Vladimir Lenin is writing first rulebook, which is then stolen by American spy Walter Camp, who is introducing sport to United States, where thirst for blood is national drink.
  2. ROVING FREAKSHOW: In years before conference alliance and meaningless bowl game, each college football team is like wandering circus, free to put on show with any other team. But this is era of Great Depression. Roads is clogged with mud, and horses is having many diseases. Powerful team is sometimes playing weak junior college just over next hill, who is not having enough players and is forcing children with polio on roster. Many teams is finishing with unbeaten record every season, then having argument via carrier pigeon over who is champion of entire country.
  3. DIRTY MONEY: In era of Prohibition, American gangsters is having many strong alcohol drinks at illegal nightclub and making debate over who is best college football team. First “polls” is propaganda to trick rival gangster to make large money bets on wrong team at speakeasy.
  4. INTRODUCTION OF HUMAN BIAS: Following Great Patriotic War, polls like AP and UPI is popular invention of corrupt football journalists, to pay off bribe to gangsters. Each football “expert” is voting for team of booster collective paying most bribe money in brown paper bag. Football coaches is all voting for own team. Every season is two or three team saying “I am top champion.”
  5. FAULTY MATH: Early mathematical systems of 1960s for determining champion is too simple, like creation of young child with pinky finger in pile of coal ash. Many is trying to fix math to award championship to teams from old seasons! America is not having superior mathematician, like Sofya Yanovskaya to solve problem.
  6. USA BANK OF STUPID BOWL GAME, BRINGING TO YOU BY MULTINATIONAL TECHNOLOGY CORPORATION WITH IDIOT NAME: Enemy-of-the-people Ronald Reagan is master to proliferation of meaningless bowl games with complex television contracts and arbitrary, automatic conference alliance. Each season, fans is seeing five strong teams not play each other, with each claiming championship!
  7. BCS IS MESS: In recent past, fans is thinking complex computer algorithm is determining best teams to play in top bowl games, but truth is this – television executives is making decision at secret luxury resort, basing outcome on immoral games of chance.
  8. COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF: Is end result of broken history to determine American college football champion. Central committee members having personal and financial bias to favor certain teams is entire system! Argument over best two teams is now even more stupid argument over #5 team in country! Whoever is saying this is true playoff is using spoon to plow field, instead of tractor!
  9. PROBLEM SOLVED: In 2012, Commie Football is revealing Manifesto to reorganize American college football and fix broken system of determining true champion.

To all true American college football fans – pozhaluysta!

Now, here is slogan for chanting at next game: Chempion reshili putem golosovaniya prisushche nedostatok!Meaning is difficult to explain. Do not worry about this.

Football Poll is Simple Math Problem

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New Top Power 25 system is being from inspiration of famous Soviet mathematician Sofya Yanovskaya.

New Top Power 25 system is being from inspiration of famous Soviet mathematician Sofya Yanovskaya.

In old system, every week is American college football ranking appearing in newspaper. Group of “experts” is picking 25 teams as best and strongest teams in country, and then all football fans is having arguments on internet for remaining days of week about how unfair system is.

American college football fans is right! System is very corrupt because experts is receiving money from boosters at college football team headquarters, to vote for this team as being better or this other team is being worst! Later, college football is making BCS Standings, and saying is supercomputer that is picking Top 25 teams. But computer formula is only one small piece of puzzle! Opinion of “expert” is still making large pieces of puzzle! All college football fans is arguing even more!

Commie Football is solving problem by making new Top Power 25 ranking. Is all generated by Russian supercomputer algorithm, so is without corrupt sickness as filthy college football program booster slush money, or blind loyalty to college football team that is making brain turn off and vote for same team in poll every week, or newspaper boss is wanting to sell more newspapers and is making local team top in poll. NYET! Is complex formula of won-loss record, points for/against, and also being combined with opponents’ won-loss record and points for/against.

First team in #1 position of Tier 1 Top Power 25 is Seminoles of Florida State (from District 4), who is undefeated 3-0. In Tier 2, #1 team right now is Mean Green of North Texas (District 7), also 3-0. Champions of 2012 Utah State Aggies is rank #10 (Tier 1) and Troy Trojans is rank #13 (Tier 2).

Math is not having emotions of human. Is better system.