2014 Champions is Perhaps Not Surprise

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With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

TIER 1 CHAMPION IN ALL WORLDS: OHIO STATE BUCKEYES

Pozdravlyayu to the Buckeyes of Ohio State, champion of the 2014 college football season – in all worlds, including Commie Football! Ohio State is dominating Oregon Ducks 42-20 in Commie Orange Bowl championship game, to end season bathing n eternal glory.

Perhaps this is not surprise. Da, this is second season consecutive in which Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is awarding championship to same team as nonsense system supported by corrupt NCAA. Many fans is asking – what is it meaning when superior Soviet system is producing same result as evil, capitalist system? Some are even saying in whiny voice, “But I liked it better when Commie Football crowned like, a totally random team, like when Utah State won the championship in 2012.”

Is typical American response. Is nobody happy when “surprise” team wins? And is nobody happy when “expected” team wins also?!

Look at weakness of current College Football Playoff system. Committee of idiot judges (except Condoleezza, of course) is picking four teams to appear in playoff. Ohio State is almost not included, due to player injuries, personal bias, and socio-political interest of committee members. Fans of TCU and Baylor is crying tears in Shiner Bock beer, when neither Horned Frogs nor Bears is receiving invitation to miniscule, 4-team CFP playoff.

Here is truth – this will be same argument next season, and season after that, and so on – UNTIL 16 teams at MINIMUM is making playoffs! This season, CFP system is having simple beginner’s luck, including OSU in playoff as low #4 seed as afterthought. But Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is confirming that da, for fact it is the Buckeyes who are best team in college football this season! Only losses is in Week One to USC and Week 11 to Penn State, after OSU is already clinching playoff spot. After defeating top-rank Notre Dame in District 3 Championship game, Buckeyes is beating Tennessee and TCU on way to championship victory over Oregon.

Oregon Ducks (13-3, #2) is runner-up, losing championship and #1 Top Power rank, perhaps due to weakling #35-rank defense. Is second season consecutive that Ducks is losing in championship game. Here is advice – next season, spend more time designing strategy for winning football game, instead of designing fancy uniforms in every color of rainbow, looking like pizhama for children!

In world of Commie Football, TCU (12-3, #3) and Ole Miss (12-3, #4) is finishing with better rank than Florida State (10-3, #6) (who is losing to Ole Miss in District 4 Championship) and Alabama (4-8) (who is not even making to playoff)! Many more surprising results come from final 2014 Standings.

And of course, fans of Baylor Bears (9-3, #12) is continuing to make big bear-size tears, because even in Commie Football, Baylor is good team, but TCU is better. Perhaps is curse of ugly, nonsense, alternate blackout uniform? Spend more time designing strategy for winning football game instead of ugly uniform in non-traditional color for school!

Ram Boy, crying miracle black tears, is becoming most famous superfan of Colorado State.

Ram Boy, crying miracle black tears, is becoming holy icon of Tier 2 champion Colorado State Rams team.

TIER 2 CHAMPIONSHIP: CSU RAMS CLIMB MOUNTAIN, NEXT CLIMB TO TIER 1?

Ohio State is not only championship team in America today! Colorado State Rams (15-1, #1 rank) – looking like champions in glorious orange-and-green uniforms – is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky 41-38, a team with frightening, top-rank offense. But in end, it is weak #63-rank defense by WKU that is allowing Colorado State to emerge victorious by only three points.

But CSU is now suffering regret, missing undefeated season due to Week Eight loss to Eastern Illinois Panthers. Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season!

Fans in Kentucky SSR is forgetting sorrows in bottom of illegal homemade whiskey jar, but all is not lost for WKU. After glorious District 5 title and playoff run, fans of Hilltoppers is now hoping that Big Red blob mascot will move up to Tier 1 next season… to perhaps meet Brutus Buckeye on field of battle in District 3?

Intern Bobby is saying...Georgy’s all like (in his accent), “Season is over. You are now going home to America.” But then I’m like, “Uh… this is a FULLLLL YEEEEAR internship, remember? Two semesters. You got me until May, old man.” Finally, he’s like, “Is fine. Is many repairs to be making to concrete roof and rusting pipes of emergency secondary bunker. First, you are fixing problems made when you are overflowing hot tub water into computer server chamber.” Geh…. It was AN ACCIDENT! Like I’m the only one who’s ever drank too much kvass and tried to make an indoor skating rink, AMIRITE?

IS NEXT: PROMOTION & RELEGATION

Excitement of Commie Football is not ending with championship games!

Is no summer vacation! During offseason, Soviet supercomputer is making calculations to determine promotion and relegation of teams between Tiers.

Last season, is much controversy when both Tier 2 champion (North Texas) and runner-up (Buffalo) is not receiving invitation for promotion to Tier 1 level. But look at this – neither UNT nor UB is making Tier 2 playoffs this season! Is more proof that Soviet supercomputer is having more intelligence than simple brain of common American! Intern Bobby is proving this fact to me, every day.

You are returning to website in few weeks’ time for news of promotion and relegation.

Tier 2 Playoffs: Black Tears of Joy

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CSU superfan having name of "Ram Boy" is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy for CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Colorado State superfan “Ram Boy” is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy after CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Like famous Battle of Stalingrad, every Commie Football season is war of attrition. Superior schedule matrix is meaning no team is ever playing mere scrimmage against inferior, cupcake opponent from lower level. Also, no team is ever having lazy “bye week” – a typical American concept. Every game is one small battle in vicious, season-long battle. Is almost impossible to win all! Only very strongest teams is winning enough to advance to playoffs, and there must fight to death, four more brutal opponents on path to championship glory!

Last season, Colorado State is almost advancing to Tier 2 championship, in spite of being low #8 seed. But dream of championship glory is ending in semifinal round, when CSU is losing by only one point to eventual Tier 2 champion North Texas Mean Green. Many CSU fans is upset, thinking it was destiny for team to win title. Then, in offseason, is added indignity of Rams being passed by for promotion to Tier 1 level.

Is making CSU very angry. Thin oxygen level at high Rocky Mountains altitude is turning anger into rage! Success of Rams in 2014 season is forcing all of Tier 2 to fear this team, in resplendent orange and green uniform! All except for Eastern Illinois Panthers, who is upsetting CSU in Week 8. But UMass is no EIU!

r3-t2-1v7 Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Final Score: Colorado State 40, UMass 26
Notes: Like powerful British army at famous Battle of Bunker Hill, CSU is defeating and scattering Minutemen of UMass, who is maybe feeling tired after long playoff travels to Georgia SSR last week, and now Colorado SSR. With superior balance of #5-rank offense and #6-rank defense, Colorado State is winning almost all games this season by safe margin, but nyet, not in flashy, Hollywood manner. Is more modest, like Condoleezza Rice. But then here come red-like-fire Hilltoppers of WKU – new, hot team on scene, bringing rocket-propelled offense to battle in championship game!

r3-t2-3v4Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: San Marcos, TX
Final Score: Western Kentucky 48, Texas State 32
Notes: Hilltoppers of WKU is now latest sensation of college football fans, looking like unstoppable juggernaut with powerful offense growing stronger throughout season! Here is amazing fact – 48 points is lowest number of points WKU is scoring in game since narrow Week 10 victory over Akron. In fact, Hilltoppers is scoring less than 40 points in only four games all season! But here is problem – WKU defense is also giving up many points, losing two close games early in season to Miami Redhawks (Week Two) and Western Michigan (Week Five) and ranking only #57 on defense in all of Tier 2. Can CSU exploit this weakness in championship game?

Intern Bobby is saying...So, this past week we had a problem with the steam-powered server. Basically, all of the steam was like, freezing and messing up the circuits or something. Georgy wakes me up one morning, and is all like “You crawl inside server to fix!” and I’m like, “Yeah, later… can you unlock the food storage chamber so I can make a bowl of that yummy kasha stuff for breakfast”? But of course he WOULDN’T let me eat until I did the stupid gruntwork job. AGAIN.

WHO IS WINNING FINAL BATTLE OF 2014 SEASON? RAM WITH STRONG HORNS, OR SOFT RED BLOB?

On one hand, mountain-living rams is having powerful, hard horns, used for slamming into head of enemy again and again, until brains of enemy is turning to soft kashitsa.

On other hand, big red blob of WKU is already made of soft mush on inside. Maybe hard horn slamming is not making injury, and blob is instead enveloping horns of ram, ingesting slowly, like long, strong zmeya swallowing timid deer, snapping bones and asphyxiating over course of three hours (four if counting television commercials).

Tier 2 Semifinals: Nervous CSU Fans is Eating Tip of Horn

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Here is photograph of television set, showing miracle fan of Colorado State Rams, who is crying black tears when Rams is losing semifinal playoff game to Mean Green of North Texas.

Here is photograph of good television set, showing miracle fan of Colorado State Rams, who is crying dark green tears when beloved Rams is losing Tier 2 semifinal playoff game to Mean Green of North Texas.

When Commie Football season is reaching semifinal round of playoffs, each surviving team is having played 14 games. Is made hard like steel already from two fierce playoff battles and is not feeling scared of another fight.

This is making even low-seed teams, who are not looking like danger, such as Rams of Colorado State, most dangerous opponent of all opponents. Why? Because is sneaking up on you in alleyway, but you are not seeing because you are looking at bigger opponent far away, and then you are feeling thrust of knife bayonet for use with the 7.62 mm. Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle. Right through heart.

But in twist to this story, Mean Green of North Texas is able to defend against alleyway bayonet attack of CSU. Is instead, hearts of Colorado State Ram fans who are feeling heart stabbed with bayonet! This is also happening to fans of Memphis Tigers, in next alleyway.

t2-semi_2v8_playoff-banner

Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Denton, TX
Final Score: North Texas 32, Colorado State 31
Notes: For Rams, is sad finish to very good season that is starting very bad with 1-3 record. To make difficult journey to being only one, exciting point away from Tier 2 championship game is making fans proud, like runt pig of litter who is one day in future winning 4th place at regional soviet agricultural festival. This is very much more than fans of Colorado Buffaloes (3-9) or Falcons of Air Force (1-11) is saying at end of season! Is possible CSU and UNT is maybe being promoted to Tier 1 next football season?

Even small, one-point victory is victory, and Mean Green is now to advance to play maybe strongest team of Tier 2, Buffalo Bulls, for glorious honor of Tier 2 Championship!

t2-semi_3v5_playoff-banner

Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Memphis, TN
Final Score: Buffalo 31, Memphis 29
Notes: In other exciting semifinal game, is Bulls of Buffalo making only two-point victory over Memphis Tigers, in famous Liberty Bowl stadium. Here are two teams famous this season for mighty defense, but in end is Buffalo having little bit better offense that is making difference. Both teams is also deserving of maybe promotion to Tier 1 next season, fans are thinking.

Buffalo is only #5 playoff seed, but is playing very good offense and defense, and is now maybe favorite to win championship game against Mean Green of North Texas?

On to Championship

Tier 2 Championship game is traditional to be played in Kansas City, where is near middle of country, for fans who are having far to walk. What team will be new national champion of Tier 2? North Texas Mean Green or Buffalo Bulls?!

You are coming back to website next week to find out.