Playoffs: Two Worlds, On Course for Collision

Share Button
National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Travel to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Oregon and Ohio State, so government is providing radio broadcast for fans in Oregon SSR and Ohio SSR, only.

National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Long journey to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Ducks and Buckeyes. As show of goodwill towards American people, Soviet government is providing special radio broadcast, in Russian, for all to hear game.

World of Commie Football is strange, parallel universe, bringing order to former chaotic system of determining American college football champion. Some critic is saying that Commie Football supercomputer is producing impossible result, as when Utah State Aggies is winning 2012 championship. But then, only one season ago, Commie Football supercomputer is crowning same champion (Florida State) as ludicrous BCS system, when Seminoles is narrow defeating Oregon Ducks. After, is more complaints, asking in whining voice – what is this proving, when superior Soviet system is producing same result as terrible, capitalist BCS system?

First, take deep breath. Then slow exhale breath, then TAKE DEEPER BREATH ONCE MORE! NOW SLAP OWN FACE! AGAIN! HARDER! Now stop and continue reading.

Is simple. Even corrupt capitalist system, such as nonsense NCAA, is sometimes having good luck. Either this, or obvious one team is true best team in all worlds of college football.

Sometimes, stupid American system for deciding college champion – whether AP poll, BCS, CFP – is having lucky streak, two years consecutive! Is long way to say – this season, advanced Commie Football algorithm is finding same two teams in championship game as flawed College Football Playoff system! Drisnya! In the name of Condoleezza!


Game: Rose Bowl
Location: Pasadena, CA
Final Score: Oregon 32, Ole Miss 25
Notes: Last season, Oregon is losing championship game to Florida State by only one point. During offseason, fans of Ducks is not sleeping, rolling over on hay mattress again and again, making many trips to outdoor latrine with only one thought – why is this team, which is so good for entire regular season, failing to win championship?

This season, Ducks is experiencing early frustration – beating darlings of 2013 Louisville and Boston College, but also losing to bitter District 8 rivals, Cal Golden Bears and UCLA. Then, beginning in Week Six, Oregon is resembling MiG fighter jet on secret KGB mission – to shoot down and destroy all enemies and fly to top of Top Power 25 rankings AGAIN! Mission is success so far – Oregon is once again advancing to national championship game, this time to play Ohio State, to determine true champion of all college football.


Game: Fiesta Bowl
Location: Glendale, AZ
Final Score: Ohio State 32, TCU 31
Notes: In most exciting contest of playoff semifinal round, Ohio State is defeating tough TCU by only one point, to advance to championship game against top-seed Oregon Ducks. Why is Buckeyes proving too hard of nut for Horned Frogs to puncture? Soviet supercomputer is finding that in order to win this game, top-rank offense and #4-rank defense of Buckeyes is needing every milligram of strength to defeat TCU, who is also bringing powerful balance of offense (#4) and defense (#10), and also #1 in perception of disrespect!

Even in defeat, fans of Horned Frogs is proud – team is rising from mediocre 6-6 team last season, making Commie Football playoffs for first time, almost advancing to championship game! Is perhaps good enough in ESPN world, but not Commie Football. Do svidaniya, Horned Frogs!

In day or two, we are telling what is happening on Tier 2 semifinal games.

Return next week to find out WHO IS HAVING BIGGEST O!

Week Nine: Jaw of Tiger is Making Rebel Yell Fall Silent

Share Button
Here is photo showing Colonel Reb being dragged by neck toward city of Memphis in Tennessee SSR.

Ole Miss Rebel leader is reported captive. Here is gruesome photo, maybe showing Colonel Reb dragging with broken neck toward city of Memphis in Tennessee SSR. CLICK TO MAKE BIG.

Long time ago, in Week Two of this football season, powerful Crimson Tide of Alabama, a playoff team in 2013, is losing in upset to Memphis Tigers, a team playing last season on Tier 2 level. Every American college football “expert” is thinking this is impossible result! Only “tiger” team to have worry about is LSU or Auburn! Maybe, Clemson.

In Week Nine, Memphis Tigers is showing again it is also ferocious, after surprise defeating #1 Top Power rank Ole Miss Rebels by score 38-25. Glorious victory is elevating Memphis to 6-3 record in very strong District 4, and Tigers is also rising to #23 rank in Top Power 25.

Is not only surprise upset in Week Nine! Miami Hurricanes (6-3, #24 rank) is handing defending champion Florida State first loss of season, 39-31. Other ferocious tiger team from Clemson (5-4) is beating Georgia Bulldogs 33-19. Also making upset victories is two Wolf Pack teams NC State (beating East Carolina 22-13) and Nevada (beating Cal 31-29). Because of superior schedule formula, every week of Commie Football is good competition. Is difficult for even powerful team to win every game!

Intern Bobby is saying...Whoah. Like, speaking of tigers? Last night, I was shoveling out the latrine again? I know, I know – how many times does an intern have to shovel out a latrine in one week, right? Turns out this little, furry animal – some kind of weird-looking squirrel or something – fell into the pit and died, and was like, clogging up the drain. So I had to chop down a long branch from this nearby tree and fish it out. Georgy tied a rope around the trunk and I tied the other end around my waist, and like, lowered myself down the side of the pit a little bit to reach it. Can you say *NOT* pleasant? Anyway, I snag the corpse and the pit starts bubbling again, and I hoist myself out and stand up, and it’s all quiet. I hear this like, mean-sounding growl coming out of the woods. I totally freeze – I’m staring into the shadows, and I slowly scrape some latrine poop off my legs so I can like, whip it at whatever’s about to attack me, and I go, “GEORGY? LITTLE HELP HERE?” and then I hear it – laughing. Georgy comes walking out of the woods, and goes, “You are needing help? Is there TIGER hiding behind tree?” and he’s like, doubled over howling. I’m like, “Old man – you do that again and they’ll be fishing YOU out of the latrine pit! For REALZ.”

New #1 Top Power team is Fighting Irish of Notre Dame, who is defeating Hoosiers of Indiana 42-24. Fighting Irish is last unbeaten 9-0 team in Tier 1, and is to face Ohio State Buckeyes (8-1, #2 rank) in first round of playoffs (District 3 Championship game), after OSU is easy winning 42-16 over Cincinnati Bearcats and clinching District 3 South division.

Is also exciting playoff race in other Districts! Auburn (8-1, #6) is now putting tiger paw in front of Seminoles in District 4 East Division, because AU is having perfect 4-0 division record. In District 5 South, Cornhuskers of Nebraska (6-3) is having playoff advantage over Iowa, due to Week Three victory.

With big 32-20 victory over Texas A&M, TCU Horned Frogs (7-2, #10) is now taking driver’s seat in District 6 West division. In District 8, Oregon Ducks (7-2, #12) is catching up to Golden Bears of California in North Division, but is yet losing tiebreaker, due to Week Two loss.

Good news for Ole Miss is lead in District 4 West standings, but is yet facing brutal schedule of FSU, LSU, and rival from Egg Bowl, Mississippi State!


Is historic week for unbeaten Georgia Southern Eagles. With 37-19 victory over Florida Atlantic, GSU is clinching District 3 South division playoff spot, and also is soaring over Western Michigan to become new Tier 2 #1 Top Power rank team, according to advanced Soviet supercomputer algorithm.

Other team purchasing Tier 2 playoff ticket is Samford Bulldogs (9-0, #3 rank), who is winning weak District 4 North division with simple 28-10 victory over Alabama State. UMass (7-2, #8) is winning key victory over Yale Bulldogs, is putting Minutemen in District 1 playoff driving seat. Richmond (6-3) is defeating William & Mary 21-16, giving Spiders playoff advantage. South Alabama Jaguars (6-3, #25) is taking lead in District 4 South after 30-9 victory over Troy Trojans. In District 6, 33-29 North Dakota State (6-3, #20) victory over Northern Iowa is giving Bison playoff edge. In District 8, San Jose State (7-2, #18) is now in lead after 36-31 victory over Southern Utah, together with surprise 33-27 UNLV loss to Cal Poly (5-4).

Is old saying from Russia: Delit’ shkuru neubitovo medvedya. Is meaning, “Do not divide pelt of bear, if bear is not yet dead.” Is yet three weeks of Commie Football regular season to decide all 16 teams in playoffs. Metaphorical tiger is hunting every team in Top Power 25.