Ded Moroz is Coming to Town

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Here is chamber where Intern Kyle is staying until interrogation is complete.

Here is chamber where Intern Kyle is staying until interrogation is complete. Bobby is wanting to decorate, so I am allowing wooden statue of Ded Moroz to stand as funny “guard” of prison. But Bobby is placing too close, and Kyle is taking wooden scepter of statue and picking lock to escape.

Is Orthodox Christmas day. As gift, I am waking Intern Kyle from deep hyperbaric sleep and giving opportunity to complete test of loyalty, to defend self against suspicion as secret double-agent.

WAKING

Was very difficult to wake and remove Intern Kyle from hyperbaric sleep chamber. Bobby is making accident and giving too much dose of pure oxygen, including also unique mixture of chemical gas, of my own invention. Is causing Kyle to sleep for many days more than original plan of one week. I am using Soviet supercomputer to discover new method of waking from deep hyperbaric sleep, but is taking one week, additional time, due to much frustrating, glitching connection to Internet.

Ded Moroz

Here is close photo of Ded Moroz, who is Russian Father of Christmas, wearing blue costume instead of red. Bobby is carving this statue from piece of old firewood as Orthodox Christmas present. Paint is little bit sloppy.

Uuuhggh.  I don’t FEEL goood. Not… sure what’s going on. Or where… am I in Russia… er…? Grwh…– <snores>

During this long wait, Bobby is wanting to decorate interrogation chamber for Orthodox Christmas. I am allowing him to place wooden statue he is carving with bayonet of Ded Moroz, who is Russian Father of Christmas. Is similar to American Santa of Klaus, but is wearing blue costume instead of red.

ESCAPE!

Kyle is waking in interrogation chamber during middle of night, and is then reaching out of prison cell and removing wooden scepter from hand of Ded Moroz statue. Kyle is then picking lock and making escape.

When I am waking in morning, I am finding Kyle in deep sleep inside food chamber, with many frozen loaf of rye breads. Bobby is helping to load sleeping body into tachka, and we are returning Kyle to interrogation chamber, where he is again waking.

THE TEST

Then, I am giving to Kyle important test. I am asking him to name, from own memory, each qualifying playoff team on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels for 2015 Commie Football season.

In addition to pass test, Kyle is having to say each team record and Top Power rank, and first round opponent, which is District Championship games.

Here is what Intern Kyle is saying is schedule for Round 1, next week:

TIER 1

  • District 1: Connecticut (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia (8-4, #21)
  • District 2: Duke (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson (9-3, #13)
  • District 3: Michigan (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis (8-4, #26)
  • District 4: South Florida (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss (9-3, #7)
  • District 5: Notre Dame (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa (11-1, #2)
  • District 6: Oklahoma (11-1, #1) vs. Houston (8-4, #23)
  • District 7: Utah (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force (8-4, #29)
  • District 8: Washington (9-3, #9) vs. USC (9-3, #6)

TIER 2

  • District 1: Yale (4-8, #78) vs. Villanova (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: James Madison (10-2, #7) vs. North Carolina A&T (9-3, #12)
  • District 3: South Carolina State (8-4, #27) vs. Georgia Southern (11-1, #3)
  • District 4: Western Kentucky (11-1, #1) vs. Southern Miss (11-1, #2)
  • District 5: Toledo (10-2, #5) vs. Akron (8-4, #28)
  • District 6: South Dakota State (8-4, #26) vs. Southern Illinois (9-3, #15)
  • District 7: Tulane (8-4, #22) vs. McNeese State (11-1, #4)
  • District 8: Wyoming (9-3, #13) vs. San Jose State (10-2, #6)

As you read now, is many intriguing matchups, from every region of country. Is true, best system to determine champion for all fans of American college football.

THE VERDICT

But as you also read, Kyle is making one mistake. He is saying “Yale Bulldogs” as representative of Tier 2/District 1 (North Division). This is incorrect. Is Harvard Crimson (9-3, #9) who is true making to Tier 2/District 1 Championship game!

I am saying to Kyle, “You are still asleep, dreaming.” Then I am marching to chamber door, turning out chamber light, and slamming door shut (which is automatic locking)!

LATER

Then, after many minutes, perhaps one hour, I am realizing that I am accident locking Bobby into chamber with Intern Kyle. But is very late. Is probably okay….

Hyperbaric Sleep is Best for Health, Loyalty

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Here is photo showing temporary computer system for maintenance of hyperbaric sleep chamber.

Here is photo showing temporary computer system for maintenance of hyperbaric sleep chamber.

In middle of interesting Twitter conversation you see above, regarding which team is wearing which variety of undergarment, Commie Football is receiving above Tweet from fan/informant in District 8, with suspicion that Intern Kyle is not who he is saying.

Georgy is also having this suspicion. Why is this? Like gradual accumulation of snow on roof of building, accumulation of minor observations is one day making roof collapse!

  • In early days of internship, Kyle is given task to fix satellite feed, which is broken by Bobby to only show idiot American television program “Friends” on endless loop. He is doing this very quickly. Perhaps… too quickly?
  • One day, Kyle is taking long time to return from hunting turkey. He is saying this is due to becoming disoriented in forest. Is impossible, I am giving good compass.
  • When Yale football team is having terrible season, Kyle is not always showing appropriate level of anger, instead sometimes shrugging shoulders and no longer paying entire attention. Is this how loyal “redshirt” member of Yale football team, as he is telling to me, is behaving?
  • Another day, while gathering wood for primary furnace, our group (Georgy, Kyle, Bobby) is coming under attack from wild yenot, who are most hungry this time of year. Kyle is seeming to aim bayonet at Bobby, who is then tripping on rock. Kyle bayonet is then missing Bobby and slaughtering yenot.
  • Later in battle, while I am defensing helpless Bobby on ground, Kyle is then slaughtering final yenot with very accurate throw of bayonet, mere centimeters from my ear. Perhaps this bayonet throw is… too accurate?
OMG. Like, double OMG, if I have to live through another round with the hyperbolic sleep chamber AGAIN. I did NOT enjoy being inside that thing last year. Although I do have to say – really, REALLY great sleep. Sooo good.

Crazy dreams. But then of course, it took me like, DAYS or WEEKS or whatever to feel like, totally awake again. No thanks man. Already done-been HAZED.

I am developing plan as test of Kyle loyalty. I am preparing hyperbaric sleep chamber for annual hibernation period, after regular season is finish but before Commie Football playoffs in January. In normal situation, I am entering sleep chamber in late December and waking in time for Orthodox Christmas.

But is problem with normal computer system attached to sleep chamber. After recent software update, interface is looking very different and Bobby is clicking wrong button to run diagnostic test, rendering computer unresponsive to manual input. I am asking Intern Kyle to fix.

Kyle is finding source of software issue (which is real), but is also discovering possible short circuit in wires inside chamber wall (which is fake). When Kyle is entering chamber to fix, I am placing boot on his zadnitsa and giving strong push! Then I am slamming shut chamber door and activating system, using controls connected to temporary, secondary computer housed in unused storage chamber (see photo above). Computer is very old, but is reliable so long as room temperature is remain below freezing.

Kyle is now enjoying long hyperbaric sleep. Atmosphere of chamber is very much oxygen, with also unique mixture of chemical gas… of my own invention.

After waking, while still feeling effect of sleep, I will ask series of questions to reveal true nature of purpose for Kyle here.

2015 Season Schedule is Complete, Despite Extra Labor

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Full schedule for upcoming 2015 season is here, no thanks to Intern Bobby, who is yet healing with injuries from attack by Soviet gunship helicopter.

Full schedule for upcoming 2015 season is here, no thanks to Intern Bobby, who is yet healing with injuries from attack by Soviet gunship helicopter.

Is glorious day. All American college football fans is losing breath from waiting with excitement! Is even more glorious than arrival of fresh shipment of dehydrated goat’s milk, which is remaining stable for many years on shelf of underground bomb shelter.

Is official release of schedule for upcoming 2015 Commie Football season (click link to see). Week One games is beginning on weekend of September 12. Every team is playing games for 12 weeks consecutive, with final game on last weekend of November.

As always, Commie Football schedule is optimized for ensuring good competition to all teams, and most enjoyment for every American college football fan. Favorite team is never playing weak, cupcake opponent, due to logical organization of Tiers and innovative schedule matrix. Schedule is also stuffed, like savory pelmeni, with many interesting games between natural, regional rivals, as well as many games pitting strongest teams in country, who is never meeting in nonsense, archaic “conference” system of past!

Here is few interesting facts about 2015 Commie Football schedule:

1. 2015 season is beginning with many large bangs! You are liking games between “big-time” college programs? Behold opening weekend schedule, and then struggle to prevent drool from causing short-circuit of computer keyboard:

  • Florida State vs. USC
  • Ole Miss vs. Oregon
  • Penn State vs. TCU
  • Georgia vs. Michigan State
  • Notre Dame vs. Arizona State
  • Mississippi State vs. Stanford
  • West Virginia vs. Baylor
  • Clemson vs. Louisville
  • Miami (FL) vs. UCLA
  • Iowa vs. Boise State
schedule-breakdown-graphic

Every team is playing 12 games: all 5 other teams in same DIVISION; 3 or 4 teams from other division in same DISTRICT; and 3 or 4 teams from different DISTRICT.

Is only small taste, comrade. Superior schedule formula is ensuring many top-quality games every week of season!

2. Because of unique method of ranking every team within each district (based on previous season record), all non-district games is against team with same rank, so schedule is being more fair for all teams.

3. Even with advanced schedule formula, sometimes is important rivalry game that is falling through crack. Schedule is leaving one space (Week 11) as “open” for any missing rivalry game, so every team who is having big rival in different division/district is able to schedule important game, for maximum enjoyment of fans. As example, here is some games that happen in Week 11 this season:

  • Georgia (District 2) vs. Florida (District 4)
  • Oklahoma vs. Texas (both District 6, but different divisions)
  • Florida State vs. Alabama (both in District 4, but different divisions)
  • Notre Dame (District 5) vs. USC (District 8)
  • Army vs. Navy (both in District 1, but different divisions)
  • Oregon vs. Stanford (both in District 8, but different divisions)
  • UCLA vs. Cal (both in District 8, but different divisions)
  • West Virginia (District 1) vs. Marshall (District 3)
  • Virginia (District 1) vs. Virginia Tech (District 2)
  • Indiana (District 3) vs. Purdue (District 5)
  • TCU (District 6) vs. Texas Tech (District 7)

Because of superior Commie Football schedule, is no more crying of fans for missing favorite rivalry games!

4. Every college football team is spending less money for travel. Cost of travel is very large struggle for many football programs. Especially in face of looming petrol shortage (is necessary for Premier Putin to demonstrate power to weak, ungrateful leaders of western Europe). In Commie Football system, every team is grouped according to geography in District, so cost of travel to most games is not so high as in old system. Student athletes is very comfortable riding in mule-drawn wagon for short trips.

IS MUCH WORK FOR ONLY ONE MAN

Here is photo of Intern Bobby, resting comfortable and unable to speak while recover from serious injuries.

Here is photo of Intern Bobby, resting comfortable and unable to speak while recover from serious injuries.

Even with 192 teams total in Tier 1 and Tier 2, production of season schedule is simple task for Soviet supercomputer. Most years, all that is requiring is sufficient fuel and firewood for steam-power server to continue complex algorithm calculation. But this year, task is much more difficult, due to constant attention required by needy Intern Bobby.

You are remembering from last month, Bobby is suffering many serious injuries to body during mistaken attack from Soviet gunship helicopter. Bad news is Bobby is yet wrapped in bandages, from head to puny, American toes. Good news is proximity to advanced medical care facility here in emergency secondary headquarters, including use of hyperbaric sleep chamber (da, da – is technically yet “experimental”).

Also good news is this – Bobby is unable to speak, so is much less constant noise. However, Bobby is now sometimes attempting communication through jerking movement of head, perhaps to give Morse Code message. Unfortunately, chopping and dragging of firewood, hunting of food, and constant replenishment of IV fluids is leaving little time to translate head movements into words.

Also, is little bit zhutko - or as you say this in English – “creepy”.

Promotion & Relegation: Is “Redrum” for Some Teams

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Here is photo Bobby is taking showing vision of Condoleezza in hallway here at emergency secondary headquarters.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking, showing vision of Condoleezza in rare-used corridor of emergency secondary headquarters. Bobby is having long conversation, but is not telling me what Condi is saying, which is making me very angry. VERY VERY ANGRY.

When Commie Football season is ending following Tier 1 and Tier 2 championship games, is natural for to become quiet here at emergency secondary headquarters. In past years, is taking perhaps two or three weeks to make repairs to exterior structure, due to harsh winter climate. Then is many days of hunting wild game in deep forest in order to replenish food storage. Then is perhaps one week more in hyperbaric sleep chamber, for body to repair from injuries of football season. Then, is time for running Soviet supercomputer algorithm to determine promotion and relegation for next season.

What is this meaning? At end of every Commie Football season, some teams is earning promotion from Tier 2 to Tier 1 for next season. Also opposite, some teams is moving down from Tier 1 to Tier 2 in process called relegation. Is very common system to European professional sport league, but is never popular in American sport leagues. Until Commie Football is bringing!

But this is unusual offseason. First, is endless snowstorm and extreme cold temperature, strange even for remote Russia. This is freezing and destroying communications equipment, preventing contact with outside world. Second, is eerie quiet in headquarters, with only sound of low hum in server chamber (and perhaps faint sound of dissonant violins).

Intern Bobby is saying...All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy.

Third, is strange behavior of Intern Bobby. After overflowing hot tub like wild animal at end-of-season celebration, Bobby is then forgetting to make critical final season standings and Top Power rankings updates to website. Later, I am discovering missing emergency food supplies, half eaten in Bobby’s chamber wastebasket. Is he finding secret way to pick lock on food storage chamber? Is impossible! Lock is always secure. Also, review of security camera footage is showing that Bobby is in his own chamber most hours.

Finally, I am one day hearing Bobby speaking in corridor. When I am looking, Bobby is standing at one end of long passage, speaking to someone at opposite end, saying “forever and ever and ever.” Wave of excitement is overtaking me as I am seeing vision of Condoleezza Rice at other end of hallway.

In this vision, Condi is beautiful and smiling, but not waving hello. Then is sudden disappearing! I am shaking Bobby by shoulders, screaming “What is Condoleezza saying?! What is latest news on mission to undermine corrupt, inferior College Football Playoff system?!” But Bobby is only staring into distance, never telling what she is having said to him! This is more evidence of Bobby being simple-minded, spoiled American rebenok!

But please, let us return to promotion and relegation. Here is moment you are waiting. Is four teams making leap from Tier 2 to Tier 1 for next football season:


RISE TO TIER 1
:

CSU_2014TXSTAPPUTEP

  • Colorado State Rams (15-1, #1) – After glorious victory in Tier 2 championship game, CSU is now returning to Tier 1 level after three seasons on lower level. Here is good question – is CSU now strongest football program in Colorado SSR? Rivalry games against Colorado Buffs and Air Force Falcons is now again possible.
  • Texas State Bobcats (12-3, #3) – Many college football fans is never hearing of this team. But Texas State is emerging from crazy difficult District 7 West division and advancing to Round 3 of playoffs, before losing to eventual runner-up Western Kentucky.
  • Appalachian State Mountaineers (11-3, #7) – WVU is not only Mountaineers in Tier 1! Appalachian State is rebounding from two losing seasons to become District 2 champion and advance to Round 2 of playoffs, where is losing Texas State. Average attendance is also very strong.
  • UTEP Miners (9-3, #10) – Is perhaps most surprising team to receive promotion, but UTEP is powerful team, only missing playoffs due to great season of Texas State. Average attendance is also higher than many teams already on Tier 1.

Some fans is asking – where is Tier 2 runner-up team WKU? Georgia Southern? Western Michigan, who is remaining unbeaten until losing in first round of playoffs? This is where average attendance is critical measurement. Western Kentucky is having very good season, but as 2013 Tier 2 champion Mean Green of North Texas and runner-up Buffalo Bulls is learning one year ago, not every team advancing to championship is automatic receiving promotion invitation! All Tier 1 teams must have certain level of support from fans.

Now, with four teams receiving promotion, must also four teams receive delegation. Is sad, redrum day for these teams, who will play next season on Tier 2 level:


DROP TO TIER 2
:

  • Bowling Green Falcons (3-9) – BGSU is having bad season, winning only against two other relegation teams and almost-relegated Ohio Bobcats. Is a return of Falcons to Tier 2 after two seasons at top level.
  • Northern Illinois Huskies (3-9) – Here is team experiencing actual success in recent seasons on Tier 1, but is always having terrible attendance. For teams like this, is lesson – relegation is forever only one bad season away!
  • Kent State Golden Flashes (3-9) – Little Kent State is always fighting above weight. Is surviving relegation last season, but is now returning to lower Tier after two bad seasons at top level.
  • Ball State Cardinals (1-11) – Ball State is Tier 2 runner-up in 2012, then is posting winning record on Tier 1 level in 2013. Is surprise to see tiny Ball State playing with big boys, but sharing Indiana SSR fans with Notre Dame, Purdue, and Indiana Hoosiers, miniscule Ball State is attracting less than 10,000 fans to home games on average. Oh, and also is horrible season record. So is back to Tier 2 for Cardinals!

Next post is explaining promotion and delegation on lower Tiers, including teams receiving promotion from Tier 3 to Tier 2 for 2015 season, as well as delegation from Tier 2 to Tier 3 (and do not forget about Tier 3 to Tier 4)!

I am just having thought. Perhaps if I smash Intern Bobby’s door with sharp topor, he is then revealing what Condoleezza is saying to him.