Ded Moroz is Coming to Town

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Here is chamber where Intern Kyle is staying until interrogation is complete.

Here is chamber where Intern Kyle is staying until interrogation is complete. Bobby is wanting to decorate, so I am allowing wooden statue of Ded Moroz to stand as funny “guard” of prison. But Bobby is placing too close, and Kyle is taking wooden scepter of statue and picking lock to escape.

Is Orthodox Christmas day. As gift, I am waking Intern Kyle from deep hyperbaric sleep and giving opportunity to complete test of loyalty, to defend self against suspicion as secret double-agent.

WAKING

Was very difficult to wake and remove Intern Kyle from hyperbaric sleep chamber. Bobby is making accident and giving too much dose of pure oxygen, including also unique mixture of chemical gas, of my own invention. Is causing Kyle to sleep for many days more than original plan of one week. I am using Soviet supercomputer to discover new method of waking from deep hyperbaric sleep, but is taking one week, additional time, due to much frustrating, glitching connection to Internet.

Ded Moroz

Here is close photo of Ded Moroz, who is Russian Father of Christmas, wearing blue costume instead of red. Bobby is carving this statue from piece of old firewood as Orthodox Christmas present. Paint is little bit sloppy.

Uuuhggh.  I don’t FEEL goood. Not… sure what’s going on. Or where… am I in Russia… er…? Grwh…– <snores>

During this long wait, Bobby is wanting to decorate interrogation chamber for Orthodox Christmas. I am allowing him to place wooden statue he is carving with bayonet of Ded Moroz, who is Russian Father of Christmas. Is similar to American Santa of Klaus, but is wearing blue costume instead of red.

ESCAPE!

Kyle is waking in interrogation chamber during middle of night, and is then reaching out of prison cell and removing wooden scepter from hand of Ded Moroz statue. Kyle is then picking lock and making escape.

When I am waking in morning, I am finding Kyle in deep sleep inside food chamber, with many frozen loaf of rye breads. Bobby is helping to load sleeping body into tachka, and we are returning Kyle to interrogation chamber, where he is again waking.

THE TEST

Then, I am giving to Kyle important test. I am asking him to name, from own memory, each qualifying playoff team on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels for 2015 Commie Football season.

In addition to pass test, Kyle is having to say each team record and Top Power rank, and first round opponent, which is District Championship games.

Here is what Intern Kyle is saying is schedule for Round 1, next week:

TIER 1

  • District 1: Connecticut (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia (8-4, #21)
  • District 2: Duke (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson (9-3, #13)
  • District 3: Michigan (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis (8-4, #26)
  • District 4: South Florida (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss (9-3, #7)
  • District 5: Notre Dame (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa (11-1, #2)
  • District 6: Oklahoma (11-1, #1) vs. Houston (8-4, #23)
  • District 7: Utah (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force (8-4, #29)
  • District 8: Washington (9-3, #9) vs. USC (9-3, #6)

TIER 2

  • District 1: Yale (4-8, #78) vs. Villanova (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: James Madison (10-2, #7) vs. North Carolina A&T (9-3, #12)
  • District 3: South Carolina State (8-4, #27) vs. Georgia Southern (11-1, #3)
  • District 4: Western Kentucky (11-1, #1) vs. Southern Miss (11-1, #2)
  • District 5: Toledo (10-2, #5) vs. Akron (8-4, #28)
  • District 6: South Dakota State (8-4, #26) vs. Southern Illinois (9-3, #15)
  • District 7: Tulane (8-4, #22) vs. McNeese State (11-1, #4)
  • District 8: Wyoming (9-3, #13) vs. San Jose State (10-2, #6)

As you read now, is many intriguing matchups, from every region of country. Is true, best system to determine champion for all fans of American college football.

THE VERDICT

But as you also read, Kyle is making one mistake. He is saying “Yale Bulldogs” as representative of Tier 2/District 1 (North Division). This is incorrect. Is Harvard Crimson (9-3, #9) who is true making to Tier 2/District 1 Championship game!

I am saying to Kyle, “You are still asleep, dreaming.” Then I am marching to chamber door, turning out chamber light, and slamming door shut (which is automatic locking)!

LATER

Then, after many minutes, perhaps one hour, I am realizing that I am accident locking Bobby into chamber with Intern Kyle. But is very late. Is probably okay….

Week 11: All Oklahoma SSR is Holding Breath

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Fans in Oklahoma SSR is racing to purchase ticket for college football playoff game, but is yet uncertain which team is to represent District 6 North division.

Fans in Oklahoma SSR is racing to purchase ticket for college football playoff game, but is yet uncertain which team is to represent District 6 North division.

WILL #1 RANK TEAM OF AMERICAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL NOT MAKE TO PLAYOFF?

TIER 1 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:CONN vs. South Champ
District 2:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 3:North Champ vs.
MEMP
District 4:USF vs. West Champ
District 5:ND vs.
IOWA
District 6:North Champ
vs. UH
District 7:UTAH vs.
USAF
District 8:WASH vs. South Champ

Is mere one game remain in 2015 Commie Football regular season, but is yet seven empty spaces on Commie Football Tier 1 playoff tracker! Following Week 11 games, six additional teams is now qualifying for Tier 1 playoffs: UConn Huskies, South Florida Bulls, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Houston Cougars, Utah Utes, and Washington Huskies. You remember, first round of playoffs is eight District Championship games – one division winner is playing other division winner from same District.

Eight “District Champions” is then competing in seeded playoff tournament. Is much better system than NCAA, where mere handful of teams is having true, legitimate opportunity for playing in minuscule, four-team College Football Playoff! Is idiot solution.

But there is yet strange situation in District 6. Last week, Oklahoma Sooners is becoming #1 Top Power rank team in country, according to Soviet supercomputer. Close rival Oklahoma State Cowboys is then #2 Top Power rank, but is ahead of OU in District 6 North division standings, due to OSU victory over OU in Week Two.

Tension in Oklahoma SSR is reaching all-time high! Could #1 Top Power rank team in nation not make to playoff, due to early season loss to #2 team, who is with coincidence in same division? Da, comrade! Is possible in Commie Football!

Odnako, this week Oklahoma State is ruining drama of situation somewhat with loss. You are reading recap below. But yet, is possible for either team to win division in remaining week!

Here is Week 11 roundup of important game results:

  • District 1: UConn Huskies (8-3, #19 rank) is defeating Wake Forest 27-15 to claim District 1 North title and invitation to District 1 championship game; WVU (7-4) is defeating rival from same SSR, Marshall Thundering Herd 38-9; Because Penn State (7-4) is losing 30-18 to Rutgers Scarlet Knights, final game of season between PSU and WVU will determine South division title and championship game berth; Navy (7-4, #24) is defeating rival Army 38-21, and is strongest team in South according to Top Power rank, but Midshipmen is already eliminated from playoff contention due to losses to both PSU and WVU earlier in season.
  • District 2: Blue Devils of Duke (8-3, #20 rank) is beating Maryland Terps 41-35, but North division title is elusive due to Week 2 loss to UNC; Speaking of, Tarheels of North Carolina (7-4, #25) is beating Syracuse 36-28, but is requiring Week 12 victory over Wake Forest and Duke loss to make playoffs; Clemson Tigers (8-3, #16) is defeating NC State 31-27 to control South division, but Week 3 loss to Appalachian State is causing delay in celebration; Meanwhile, App State (7-4) is defeating Ohio Bobcats 42-26, to maintain playoff dream until very end!
  • District 3: Defending champion Ohio State (8-3, #12 rank) is losing in 31-24 upset to Pitt Panthers (4-7), damaging hope for Buckeye repeat championship; Wolverines of Michigan (9-2, #4) is beating Northwestern 18-14 to take lead in North division playoff hunt; With South division title already in paw, Memphis Tigers (7-4) is losing like lazy dog to Louisiana Tech 24-13; Michigan State Spartans (8-3, #14) is impressive in 15-10 victory vs. Wisconsin Badgers (7-4, #22), but cannot win division, due to Week Nine loss to hated Wolverines.
  • District 4: Miracle South Florida Bulls (9-2, #6 rank) is clinching District 4 East title with 56-19 defeat of South Carolina Gamecocks; Ole Miss (8-3, #7) is defeating Mizzou 29-12 to maintain edge in District 4 West playoff race; Crimson Tide of Alabama (8-3, #9) is beating defending District 4 champion FSU (7-4, #21) 23-22, but playoff dream is depending on victory vs. LSU next week, and Ole Miss loss.
  • District 5: Since Wisconsin is losing, Fighting Irish (9-2, #3 rank) 34-22 defeat of old enemy USC Trojans (8-3, #8) is clinching District 5 North title; Already victor of South division, Iowa Hawkeyes (10-1, #2 rank) is beating Golden Gophers of Minnesota 32-26 and will face Notre Dame in District 5 championship game!
  • District 6: Sooners of Oklahoma (10-1, #1 rank) is beating enemy Texas Longhorns 31-27, but playoff spot is yet insecure; Oklahoma State Cowboys (9-2, #5) is blowing opportunity in 39-22 upset defeat to BYU Cougars (6-5), but is not yet dead like Trotsky – if Tulsa can defeat Sooners next week; Houston Cougars (7-4) is losing 18-17 in shame to lowly UTEP (2-9), but is yet clinching South division title when Baylor Bears is losing in shame to Arizona State Sun Devils (6-5)!
  • District 7: Utah Utes (8-3, #18 rank) is clinching North division title with 31-12 defeat of Oregon State Beavers; Washington State (7-4) is defeating Boise State (6-5) 32-16 to crush Bronco playoff dream; Fans of Air Force Falcons (8-3, #17) is yet in shock over South division title, but team is downing Colorado State Rams 40-22 to maintain proper playoff altitude. Is Utah vs. Air Force in District 7 Championship game!
  • District 8: Washington Huskies (8-3, #11 rank) is seizing North division title with commanding 68-9 victory vs. Hawaii Rainbow Warriors; South division is resulting in many fan biting of fingernails due to three-way tie! Stanford Cardinal (8-3, #13), top-ranked team in country only few weeks ago, is now losing third game in row, this time 35-31 to Oregon Ducks (5-6), now Cardinal can only find playoff path with win vs. USC (8-3, #8) next week; however, UCLA Bruins (8-3, #10) is defeating Golden Bears of Cal 26-15, and could yet make playoffs with victory in final week vs. Fresno State plus USC loss!
TIER 2 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:HARV vs. South Champ
District 2:JMU vs. South Champ
District 3:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 4:WKU vs. USM
District 5:TLDO vs. South Champ
District 6:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 7:East Champ vs.
NEES
District 8:WYO vs. South Champ

TIER 2: BIG RED WILL HAVE REVENGE

Genius of Commie Football system is reaching down to Tier 2 level also, where is yet NINE playoff invitations unsent! Excitement of Commie Football system is spreading to many more college football fans, for is 16 teams with true chance to fight for championship!

Following Week 11 game results, is three new teams - Harvard Crimson (8-3, #14), Southern Miss (10-1, #2), and Toledo Rockets (9-2, #5) – winning division to earn Tier 2 playoff appearance.

But is new #1 Top Power rank team, and this is perhaps not surprise if you are close observer of Tier 2. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (10-1) is now flying over Southern Miss like intercontinental ballistic missile, to take over #1 Top Power rank position!

Will Hilltoppers make it to top of Tier 2 hill? WKU is yet bitter, like unwashed blood root, and angry, like bear drinking vodka, over loss in 2014 Tier 2 Championship game! Subsequent to this, is SNUB when is time to promote teams to Tier 1 level for new season. Best revenge is winning Tier 2 Championship!

Week Eight: Toledo is Fly High, Like Gagarin

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Great hero and cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin is most famous citizen of Toledo. Is why Ohio SSR is known throughout world as "Birthplace of Aviation."

Great hero and cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin is most famous citizen of Toledo. Is why Ohio SSR is known throughout known galaxy as “Birthplace of Aviation.”

You are liking firework celebration? You are liking satellite for favorite television program? You are liking this GPS system, for finding way to American grocery store because of forgetting how to read simple map?

Then you are thanking great Soviet hero and cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, who is first man in space, and who is inventor of space age!

Is only natural that college football team with name in tribute to Comrade Gagarin – “Rockets” – is now rising high in sky, to new #1 Top Power Rank (of Tier 2 level). Is Toledo Rockets (7-1) who is defeating Rattlers of Florida A&M 38-11 in Week 8.

Previous #1 Harvard Crimson (7-1, now #6) is losing in humiliation, 31-11 to Chattanooga Mocs (3-5). Also, prior #2 rank McNeese State (7-1, now #10) is losing in upset, 29-27 to Montana State (4-4). This is clearing hole in sky for Toledo to shoot into.

STANFORD CARDINAL TREE IS YET GROWING

With 2015 regular season now two of three kilometer to finish, is Stanford Cardinal (8-0) yet growing high into sky, is only undefeated team in all of college football. Cardinal is 42-27 victors over strong Boise State Broncos (5-3, #22) in Week 8. Here is rest of Week 8 scoreboard. Oklahoma State (7-1, #2), Oklahoma Sooners (7-1, #3), Iowa Hawkeyes (7-1, #4), and Duke Blue Devils (7-1, #5) is also high in Top Power Ranking.

Week 8 schedule is featuring games between teams in different Districts. Here is review of important game results in Week 8 on Tier 1 level:

  • District 1Penn State (5-3) is upset defeating Florida State Seminoles (5-3, #21 rank) 30-22 to take lead in South division; In North division, is bezumnyy four-way tie for first place! With both Rutgers and Temple Owls losing, the Huskies of UConn (5-3) 40-14 victory over Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette, plus Boston College (5-3) 31-16 victory vs. UCF is creating, how do you say, “grid-lock”.
  • District 2Clemson (6-2, #13 rank) is surviving difficult Texas A&M 42-38; In battle of recent promotion teams, surprise Appalachian State (6-2, #18) is defeating Bobcats of Texas State 48-44 to remain near to in South division; Blue Devils of Duke (7-1, #5) is running away in North division after 26-15 defeat of one-time-proud Texas Longhorns.
  • District 3Michigan State Spartans (6-2, #9 rank) is controlling North division after 27-20 defeat of Wildcats of Northwestern (5-3, #25); Ohio State Buckeyes (6-2, #12) is making 28-21 upset victory of Notre Dame (6-2, #7) to remain in hunt; Wolverines of Michigan (6-2, #6 rank) is defeating powerful Mizzou (6-2, #8) 22-18 to create old-fashion three-way of North!
  • District 4: USF Bulls (6-2, #20 rank) is losing 28-19 to weak Virginia Cavaliers, but is yet somehow leader of powerful East division; Ole Miss (6-2, #11) is shooting down Temple Owls 26-19 to maintain slight lead in West; But beware, LSU (6-2, #16) is crushing Rutgers Scarlet Knights 39-19, to remain directly behind in West playoff hunt!
  • District 5Hawkeyes of Iowa (7-1, #4 rank) is having 25-17 victory over Louisville Cardinals, is sitting in South division driving seat; Badgers of Wisconsin (5-3, #23) is teaching Memphis Tigers (5-3) humility in easy 37-15 victory.
  • District 6Oklahoma State (7-1, #2 rank) is defeating Gamecocks of South Carolina 53-40 to keep North division lead; But just behind is archrival Oklahoma Sooners (7-1, #3), who is defeating Georgia Tech 45-14. Remember, OSU Cowboys is having tiebreaker due to to Week Two victory over OU! In South, is Cougars of Houston (6-2, #14) moving to top of division after 45-20 win vs. NC State.
  • District 7: With Boise State loss, BYU Cougars (5-3) is joining three-way in North division with 28-22 upset victor over California Golden Bears (6-2, #19 rank); Utah Utes (5-3) is third part of this three-way following 35-14 easy win vs. Nevada Wolf Pack; In South, Air Force Falcons (5-3) is making 31-28 upset victory vs. Washingotn Huskies to lead division.
  • District 8: Despite upset losses, Washington and California remain as leaders of North division; Stanford (8-0, #1 rank) is of course building two-game lead on USC in South division.

BOBBY IS SAD

Here is new sleeping chamber for Bobby, if he is unable to stop crying over Harvard Crimson loss to Chattanooga Choo-Choos in Week 8.

Here is new sleeping chamber for Bobby, if he is unable to stop crying over Harvard Crimson loss to Chattanooga Choo-Choos in Week 8.

Former intern, and now member of staff, Bobby is feeling much despair after pitiful Harvard loss to Chattanooga Mocs. He is crying like small child with broken finger. Is humiliation to watch him feeling of severe pain! Intern Kyle is making simple joke, is sounding funny, naming Mocs with new name “Chattanooga Choo-Choos” and I am even enjoying small smile. But then, Bobby is running to sleeping chamber and slamming hatch door to make loud bang! I am then hearing his crying when I watch him through video monitor system.

But I am feeling pity. I am then giving Bobby important tale of hope for future. I say to him through one-way intercom, “This day, Bobby. Toledo Rockets is like new Yuri Gagarin, flying high in sky as glorious bird of prey. But sometimes next day, Comrade Gagarin is dead.” Bobby is then looking up at camera.

“Victim of wicked plot of American CIA, who is causing crash of experimental MiG jet. Comrade Gagarin is then dead! But CIA is where is many GRADUATES of HARVARD Crimson University is YET WORKING TODAY!”

And I SLAM MICROPHONE INTO TABLE! This is help to Bobby for cope with emotional pain.

Week Five: Brain & Brawn, Also

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Here is image from KGB video showing fans of Harvard Crimson at recent football game.

Here is still image taken from KGB video feed. Is showing excitement of Harvard Crimson fans at recent Tier 2 football game.

Is rare when developments on Tier 2 level is surpassing Tier 1 in interest, but this week is making exception.

Da, is many universities with strong-like-bull American football program. This is primary purpose of most American schools. Is also primary reason why there is none American university with academic reputation as excellent as Russian universities. Is no American equivalent to Lomonosov Moscow or Novosibirsk State University, as two obvious examples!

So, OMG. After watching like, 20 different games on the satellite feeds this weekend, I’m just like, enjoying some “me time” in the hot tub (the BEST!) and Kyle comes busting in, all like, “What did you do?There is NO WAY, man!” and he starts like, accusing me of hacking into Georgy’s spreadsheets and rigging it so Harvard gets the #1 Top Power ranking, or something. COMPLETELY unhinged. Dude, the only thing I’ve been hacking this week is a lung! Georgy told me to throw some more logs in the primary furnace, and I don’t know, I just go outside and grab one right by the hatch door (which I’ve learned to ALWAYS prop open, and don’t go very far) and I chuck it in the furnace. Turns out it’s like, this fake plastic log, and *of course* it has a spare key hidden in it.  The smoke was totally TOXIC, and Georgy comes in sniffing all around and starts freaking out – “PUT HAND IN AND RETRIEVE! QUICKLY BOBBY! RETRIEVE KEY, IS VERY IMPORTANT!” and I’m like, “Chill OUTTT” because he acts like everything’s an emergency. So I grab this metal hoe and start trying to get it, but instead I catch a faceful of poison smoke, and like, pass out right there on the dirt floor! I think Georgy got it out, though.Worst week ever? Nah. I mean, Yale got spanked by Princeton, and Harvard’s — ugh, I can’t even say it — number… one… in something other than being a total PRETENTIOUS PANSY school? Top Power rank. Yeah, right. Totally soft schedule. I’ll admit, I thought Bobby had something to do with it, but that was before I saw him trying to blow bubbles with this like, super-old “Yerevan” chewing gum, and he somehow gets it stuck all through his hair. After that, I was like – okay, no way Bobby knows how to crack a password.

However, is one American university many officials is considering to possess mere “okay” academic reputation. Its reputation is slightly better education than Tomsk State University, but is only because of difficulty in delivering new textbooks to remote Siberia.

Intern Kyle is perhaps disagree, but only “okay” American school is Harvard University, in Massachusetts SSR. (Yale is yet lower, behind Tomsk in rank.) Big news this week is Harvard Crimson football team now climbing to #1 Top Power rank on Tier 2 level!

Why is big news? Is unusual for former Ivy League school to reach such height in football. Perhaps famous Harvard researchers is now using advanced brains to create football playbook?

This season, Crimson is already defeating Tier 2 power teams North Dakota State, New Hampshire, UMass, and Toledo Rockets. In Week 5, Harvard is enjoying easy victory against Lafayette, winning by unusual score 42-4. Perhaps this is proving Lafayette is ultimate “safety” school, da?

In relative weak Tier 2/District 1, is possible for Crimson to now win every game of regular season. But is difficult exam in coming week, when Harvard is meeting old Ivy League rival Princeton Tigers (4-1, #15 rank)!

But enough Tier 2 news. Here is important Week 5 information from all Districts of Tier 1:

  • District 1: In North division, is near identical record for UConn (4-1, #24 rank) who is winning 37-19 upset victory over WVU, and Rutgers (4-1, #23 rank), who is keeping pace with 37-29 victory vs. Terps of Maryland; In South, Penn State (4-1, #13 rank) is leader after 25-15 victory in 2014 District 1 Championship rematch vs. Temple Owls.
  • District 2: Surprise Blue Devils of Duke (4-1, #17 rank) is taking command of North division with 45-13 victory vs. Gamecocks of South Carolina; Appalachian State (4-1, #21 rank), in only first season at Tier 1 level, is shocking entire nation by taking South division lead after 24-9 victory vs. NC State; Former #1 Top Rank Georgia Bulldogs is now dropping to 3-2 record after 21-15 humble defeat to Wake Forest (3-2).
  • District 3: #1 Top Power Rank Wolverines of Michigan (5-0) is continue very strong, beating Arkansas State 44-9; Memphis Tigers (3-2) is yet leader in South division, despite defeat to defending champion THE Ohio State Buckeyes (3-2).
  • District 4: Surprise USF (4-1) is beating Louisiana Tech 38-29, and somehow finding way to lead of tough East division; Crimson Tide (4-1, #14 rank) is claiming 28-17 Iron Bowl victory vs. nemesis Auburn; In rematch of District 4 Championship from last season, Ole Miss (4-1, #12 rank) is again defeating Florida State, this time 25-17; LSU (4-1, #25 rank) is beating UCF 43-18, to remain with big boys in lead of tough West division.
  • District 5Northwestern (5-0, #2 rank) is yet unblemished, defeating Jayhawks 33-22; Unbeaten Kansas State Wildcats (5-0) is scratching way to #5 Top Power rank after 43-32 defeat of poor Purdue; Fighting Irish (4-1, #10 rank) is proving might with 31-26 victory vs. good Hawkeyes of Iowa (4-1, #19); In upset victory, Illinois Fighting Illini (3-2) is ruining perfect-so-far season of Mizzou (4-1, #15 rank) in shock 21-16 victory.
  • District 6Oklahoma State (4-1, #8 rank) is technical leader of North division, defeating hated Longhorns 28-25 in OT; Sooners of Oklahoma (4-1, #20 rank) is in hunt after 35-18 win vs. Rice Owls; TCU Horned Frogs (4-1, #22 rank) is enjoying 51-36 victory vs. new-kid-on-Tier Texas State Bobcats; Texas A&M (5-0, #7 rank) is remaining unbeaten and one step ahead of dangerous Baylor Bears (4-1, #11), after 42-26 victory vs. SMU.
  • District 7Boise State (4-1, #9 rank) is raining destruction down on poor UTEP in 73-8 victory; Is Air Force best team in Colorado SSR? Falcons (3-2) is defeating Colorado Buffs 32-28 to lead three-way tie at top of South division; Arizona Wildcats (3-2) is making strong show, destroying Colorado State Rams 43-8; Sun Devils of Arizona State (3-2) is also in this tie for lead, defeating BYU 43-34.
  • District 8: California Golden Bears (5-0) is remaining perfect, but dropping to #6 Top Power rank following close 26-22 win vs. bad Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii; Washington Huskies (5-0) is climbing to #3 rank after 37-13 win vs. winless Fresno State; Stanford (5-0, #4 rank) is victorious in close 39-32 win over Wazzu to take lead in South division.

If Harvard is such good university for academics AND football, why is so difficult to understand information for finding intern on school website FAQ?