Commie Football Will Be There For You, Beginning Next Week

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druzya-banner Is first weekend of 2015 American college football season, but where is Commie Football results?

You are forgetting already! Commie Football season is not begin until Week Two of NCAA football regular season. Why is this? Is because Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation of Commie Football scores. Beginning of 2015 PUACF season is next week. You are finding 2015 season schedule here.

SATELLITE FEED IS JOKE, IS BROKE

Here at Secondary Emergency Headquarters, is having recent problem. After previous intern (now member of staff) Bobby is playing with satellite feed like children’s toy, only video showing on security monitors is episodes of idiot American television program “Friends”. Is playing in endless loop, 24 hours every day!

COLLECT ALL CARDS
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rashel-oregon
monika-bama
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To keep brain from disintegrating into bowl of cold, moldy kasha, I am thinking always of college football while watching tragic love story of Ross and Rashel. Is true to admit, I am learning many things about meaningless capitalist American culture from this show. As example, each character is perfect symbol of American college football program:

  • ROSS GELLER is supposed “smart” character, expert in study of dinosaur era, but unable to find glory in present time. Is dating many women throughout story, but is never able to keep commitment, long-term. Whining is becoming louder each season, like spoiled child having tantrum. Is believing to be superior, but running away when danger is confronting. Ross is FIGHTING IRISH of NOTRE DAME. Bonus: Karol is former wife of Ross, now in relationship with Syuzan, just as USC Trojans is having more healthy relationship with Stanford Cardinal!
  • RASHEL GREEN is always wearing clothing and haircut of latest fashion, attracting much attention. But inside is shallow, like receding waters of Aral Sea. Is gazing always at beautiful reflection in mirror, but becoming panic in stressful situation. Rashel is OREGON DUCKS. Bonus: Rashel is leaving former fiance Barry, just as Oregon is leaving former archrival Washington Huskies! Surplus Bonus: Gunther is loser working in Central Perk kafe, who is having obsession with attractive looks of Rashel. This is Baylor Bears!
  • MONIKA GELLAR is craving competition, becoming aggressive with any slight perception of disrespect. Is also vstrevozhennyy, wanting control in every situation, insisting to only do her way, always. In past, Monika was typical fat American, but now, even when beautiful, is needing to prove superiority always, because is still feeling ugly inside. Monika is ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Bonus: Monika is having on-off relationship with Richard, who is older man set in ways, uninterested in change. Just like Ole Miss Rebels!
  • CHANDELIER BING is living easy life with much money, yet is always making loud, mean joke as defense to feel superior and hide secret hatred of self. Is mere cog in anonymous, capitalist finance corporation. Is also wearing woman’s sweater vest always, which is famous garment of recent popular college football coach. Chandelier is OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Bonus: Chandelier is sometimes running into old girlfriend Janice, who is having loud, annoying voice like braying donkey. This is also Michigan Wolverines!
  • In USSR, FEBA BUFFAY would spend rest of life in psikhiatricheskaya bol’nitsa. Is pretending to be child of flowers, but is former street criminal and drug addict, even now making threat to friends. Is playing rudimentary folk guitar and singing unlistenable song about cat in Central Perk kafe. Presence is making no sense. Drug addict, guitar, cats – is much like American city of Austin, in Texas SSR. Feba is TEXAS LONGHORNS. Bonus: Feba is having twin sister Ursula, who is being cruel and cold, like Siberian winter, to former family members, just like Texas A&M!
  • JOSEF TRIBIANI is typical American male, head filled with kholodets, interested only in eating neighbor’s food and spreading STD disease. Is failing actor, unable to pretend to be anything but idiot. Nonsense saying “How you doin’?” is somehow magic spell to attract next victim. Josef is SEMINOLES OF FLORIDA STATE. Bonus: Josef is having sister named Gina, who is strong of spirit and looking good, but is often bringing shame to family with brash behavior. Is like Miami Hurricanes!

Da, I am also watching few episodes of “Joey” television program (spinoff of “Friends”) to satisfy curiosity about future of Josef Tribbiani. Curiosity is only lasting three, maybe four episodes, maximum.

2014 Season is Around Next Corner

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Is Seminoles of FSU vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys clash happening already in past, or in near future? Commie Football is bending rules of both time and space.

Is Seminoles of FSU vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys clash happening already in past, or in near future? Commie Football is bending rules of both time and space.

Many readers is writing e-mails and sending message by pigeon, asking where is Week One scores for 2014 Commie Football season. Many is fan of defending champion Florida State Seminoles or Tigers of LSU, and is excited to see same score on Commie Football scoreboard as is appearing on ESPN website.

Here is thing – Commie Football is very maximum difficult 12-game schedule because is not having, as in old NCAA system, what Americans is calling “bye week”. In truth, bye week is false name for “vacation week” or “sit-around-on-fat-popka” week! Is peculiar American cultural trait – taking lazy road, as in American concept of “half-hour lunch break” or “8-hour workday” or “long weekend off for national holiday, with full payment” or “extended sick leave, due to workplace injury”.

After Communist takeover, then America is learning meaning of what is true, never-ending, hard work! As best example, American college football players is playing grueling 12 games in row, 12 consecutive week schedule, and then only if good enough, is playing even more playoff games! No bye week during regular season!

Last 2013 season, Commie Football Week One is same as NCAA schedule. Problem is then, Commie Football regular season is ending much earlier than NCAA schedule, which is fat like pregnant pig with lazy, American-style bye weeks. This year is slight adjustment, so Commie Football is starting next week. But is having a “murderer’s row” (leave it to American to make murder sound like good thing!) of hi-quality matchups between marquee football programs on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels.

Fans of FSU Seminoles and Tigers of LSU is thinking probably, “Well, how-dee! This just means our FSU boys will plum lay another WHUPPIN’ on them Cowboys from Okla-HO-MY-A!” In Commie Football, this is depending. Soviet supercomputer is creating new algorithm for calculating results of first and second games into one Commie Football game. So then, perhaps in Commie Football parallel world, it is Oklahoma State and Wisconsin Badgers who are emerging as true victors?

WHAT IS COMMIE FOOTBALL? HERE IS REVIEW.

Some readers is asking for refreshing course on how Commie Football is functioning. You are remembering how old American system of college football is working poorly, and why it is having many stupid problem, da?

New Commie Football system is fixing all old problems with NCAA/BCS/CFP/CIA through simple system of logic:

  1. Organize all teams based on geographic region of school;
  2. Most fair-to-all, best-quality schedule for every team;
  3. Best system for determining champion (here is hint – is PLAYOFF!).

Oh, and on the top of all three things – PROMOTION and RELEGATION of best and worst teams between different Tiers, to be ensuring good competition every season. This is followed by small yearly REALIGNMENT to ensure best geographic distribution.

Is perhaps second-greatest invention for American college football of all time.

This is because #1 greatest invention of all time is INVENTION OF AMERICAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL!

SMART IDEA, LIKE SOFT MASLO, IS ALWAYS FOR SPREADING

Commie Football is system now entering third season on Internet. Is idea that is ahead of time, yes. But rest of world is slowly discovering what is special about idea. As evidence, here is article on Land-Grant Holy Land website that is proposing similar system of organization, plus promotion and relegation of college football teams. However, article is misleading capitalist propaganda, because is not discussing origin of such system, from original teachings of Marx and Engels.

2013 Champions! What, You Are Expecting Other Team?

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In very exciting finale (that is French word meaning final performance) to Commie Football season, is so close of finish that referees is having to look at instant replay for even many more minutes than is already looking during games! But in end, is Seminoles of Florida State who is defeating Oregon Ducks by only one point, final score 32-31, in championship Rose Bowl game. Only loss for Noles this season is Week Five loss to Crimson Tide, but FSU is later having revenge in District 4 Championship Game.

Maybe you are expecting some other team for champion? Fans of Commie Football is coming to expect what is unexpected, as when Utah State Aggies is surprise winner of championship last season. Some fans is saying, “Well, jeez – this is just the same thing that happened anyway! How is Commie Football a better or different system when we just wind up with the same champion as the stupid BCS?!”

If this is you, then you are needing to take deep breath. Here is why. Soviet supercomputer is taking many data into calculations to determine true college football champion. Is also making new, better schedule for all teams, so no champion is traveling easy path to victory. For 2013 Florida State Seminoles, instead of playing weak teams such as Bethune-Cookman and Idaho on way to BCS Championship, is instead in Commie Football playing strong schedule: Tulsa, LSU, South Florida, Rutgers, Alabama, Georgia, UCF, South Carolina, Miami (FL), Mississippi, Auburn, Florida, Alabama (again!), Missouri, Boston College, and finally Oregon. That is 16 games for championship glory, and not one is being easy. Okay, maybe Tulsa or South Florida, but Golden Hurricane is very good team last season! USF is even upgrade from Bethune!

What supercomputer is to confirm is that da, Florida State Seminoles is true best team in country for 2013 season. But! Auburn is not even being close to #2 best team. This team is Oregon Ducks, then Baylor Bears, then Louisville Cardinals (see final Top Power 25 rankings for end of season). Auburn is mere #25 in Top Power rank.

Believe or not, Seminoles and Ducks is finishing finishing season tied as #2 best offense, only behind Baylor. Is maybe better defense of FSU that is making difference in championship game? Only supercomputer is knowing for certain. Supercomputer is knowing every thing!

2013-champions-untTIER 2 CHAMPIONSHIP

Nyet, Florida State is not only champion of America. In Tier 2 of Commie Football, champion is Mean Green of North Texas, who are defeating very strong Buffalo Bulls by final score of 35-29.

Here are two teams that are being very even matched, both with very good offense and defense. Mean Green is maybe playing better game in high pressure situation, and this is making difference in end. UNT is also losing only one game this season, in Week Six to UTEP.

SOME TEAMS RISING & SOME TEAMS FALLING

For Tier 2 especially, is more excitement still coming, because after season is when process of promotion and relegation is happening. This is when some teams from Tier 2 are being promoted to Tier 1 for 2014 season, and some of worst Tier 1 teams is falling down to Tier 2. Fans of Tier 2 teams is having to keep in mind, that only schools who are coming from former FBS level is eligible for promotion to Commie Football Tier 1. So for fans of NDSU Bison, you are out of luck because NDSU is former FCS. What are factors for teams being chosen to rise or fall? Is combination of final record, Top Power scores, and attendance.

Promotion/Relegation announcement is coming in maybe one week or two. Is depending on finding enough wood for fire that is powering web server, so it is not freezing in polar vortex.

Semifinal Playoffs: Who is Only Pretender?

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Is Seminoles only pretender? Or is Ducks? Show me your papers!

Or maybe is Seminoles only pretender? Or is Ducks true pretender? Show me your papers!

Is coming time when team that is pretender to be champion is no longer being good enough to continuing pretend.

In semifinal week of Commie Football playoffs, this pretender team is Eagles of Boston College. Is coming into playoffs as #8 weakest seed, from weak District 1, and is making surprise 35-32 victory over undefeated Baylor Bears in quarterfinal round.

But is maybe only one pretender beating other pretender because for Boston College, dream is coming to full stop this week in desert heat of Fiesta Bowl, where Seminoles of FSU, who is maybe being more used to hot weather of Florida, is not wilting in bright rotating searchlight of semifinal playoff game, is not being afraid when surrounded by barbed wire of football stadium, with millions of American college football fans around world watching game on small black-and-white television next to stove where evening meal is being cooked (all by decree of central politburo).

Now, if Seminoles is losing championship game to Oregon Ducks (who is beating Louisville in Aloha Bowl semifinal), then FSU is only pretender beating pretender beating pretender!

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Game: Fiesta Bowl
Location: Glendale, AZ
Final Score: Florida State 42, Boston College 26
Notes: Eagles of Boston College is giving everyone good show last week when destroying championship dream of Baylor Bears, but this is week when plucky upstart team from District 1 is being shown what real championship football team is looking like. Boston College is likely to finish season as only #8 Top Power team, but is at least making college football fans think better about weak District 1 (little bit). Seminoles (14-1, #1 Top Power) is now feeling even more angry by close Week 5 loss to Crimson Tide, but is also feeling happy to be making to title game in Rose Bowl against flying-very-high Oregon Ducks. But not too happy, because is having to maintain edge and sharp focus of playing in championship game.

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Game: Aloha Bowl
Location: Honolulu, HI
Final Score: Oregon 25, Louisville 20
Notes: Here is battle of MiG jet offense of Ducks against Iron Curtain defense of Louisville Cardinals. In end, it is MiG jet flying low over small city in midwest by Ohio River, and dropping one too many strategic nuclear missles on city defense, which is making hole that Duck army is then to exploit. At very least, Cardinals is getting trip to Hawaii out of deal. Ducks is now jumping to #2 Top Power, and is setting up classic championship game. Ducks is having slight better offense, and Seminoles is having slight better defense.

Who is winning great war of our time?! Is better to having great defense or great offense?! Who is only pretender?! Find and eliminate all pretenders!

In day or two, we are telling what is happening on Tier 2 semifinal games.