Week Four: Rebels is Capturing #1 Top Power Rank

Share Button

Here is photo showing confrontation between Red Army soldiers and alleged leader of Ole Miss Rebels, known as Colonel Reb. Is only one to two dozen tailgating fans being killed, maximum.

[CLICK FOR ZOOM] Here is photo showing confrontation between Red Army soldiers and alleged leader of Ole Miss Rebels, alias “Colonel Reb”. This is location near The Grove tailgate party in Oxford, Mississippi SSR. Is only small number of casualties at tailgate.


Is very unpopular word to members of central politburo. When early draft of this blog post is being sent to Goskomizdat for fact-checking, top officials is making small mistake, calling for Red Army to invade town of Oxford and crush Mississippi SSR rebellion. Commie Football is making apology for this happening! Good news is that official number of deaths is much smaller than first reports in American underground media!

Other good news is for fans of unbeaten Ole Miss Rebels, who is taking new #1 spot in Top Power 25 supercomputer ranking after glorious 23-0 beatdown victory over winless Jayhawks of Kansas in Week Four of Commie Football season. Rebels is replacing in top rank Texas A&M Aggies, who is also yet unbeaten, but is perhaps not winning with same feel of domination. Schedule is also being very nice for Ole Miss so far, with opponents who are not winning even one football game yet this season!

Week Four is featuring games with all teams from one District playing all teams from other District. Here is summary of important Week Four game results all around country (do NOT get this information from American underground media!):

  • District 1Temple Owls (4-0) is continuing rare, historic era of unbeaten glory with 28-11 win over Huskies of Washington, and flying high to #5 Top Power ranking; Penn State (3-1) is suffering first defeat of season, 46-16 to powerful Bruins of UCLA; this is creating three-way tie at top of South Division with Virginia Cavaliers (3-1, #22), who is surprise handing first loss to Oregon State, 40-11, and WVU (3-1) who is winning close 30-29 vs. Wazzou.
  • District 2: East Carolina (3-1) is tied for lead in North Division after 43-31 defeat of Texas Tech; NC State (3-1) is suffering first loss of season in 42-27 upset by Air Force; Kentucky Wildcats (4-0, #14) is continuing surprise season with 38-31 defeat of Colorado.
  • District 3: Notre Dame (4-0, #8) is already running away with North Division, three games ahead of pack after 44-7 ass-kick of sad SMU; Ohio State Buckeyes (3-1, #16) is leader in South Division, is eating much more victory rice than Rice University, who is being beaten by score of 48-24.
  • District 4: Ole Miss is not only undefeated team from Mississippi SSR! Quietly, like KGB agent, Mississippi State Bulldogs (4-0, #13) is remaining unbeaten after 36-18 victory over Illinois; Auburn Tigers (4-0, #9) is taking care of Northern Illinois by score of 45-18; oh, and also do not forget about 2013 champion Florida State Seminoles (4-0, #7), who is yet unbeaten following difficult 38-31 victory over defending District 5 champion Mizzou.
  • Speaking of District 5: Wisconsin Badgers (3-1, #25) is latest team to humiliate mysterious, underperforming, winless Crimson Tide of Alabama, by score of 23-20; Northwestern (3-1, #19) is beating UCF 28-12; Golden Gophers of Minnesota (3-1) is in North Division race with 24-10 victory over Vanderbilt; in South, Nebraska Cornhuskers (3-1, #20) is handling Miami Hurricanes 28-18; Hawkeyes of Iowa (3-1) is also winning 26-14 vs. Arkansas State.
  • District 6: Razorbacks of Arkansas (4-0, #11) is crushing Bowling Green 56-29; in West Division, is three unbeaten teams – Texas A&M is falling to #3 Top Power even with 43-28 victory over Cincinnati Bearcats; TCU Horned Frogs (4-0, #4) is continuing impressive start to season with 43-14 humbling of Marshall; sneaky Baylor Bears (4-0, #10) is showing it is still top team with 30-24 win over Louisville Cardinals.
  • District 7: Oklahoma Sooners (4-0, #15) is leading South after 39-34 close win vs. Clemson; Boise State (3-1) is very close 32-31 defeating of Tarheels of North Carolina; BYU (3-1) is in tie for North after 42-22 defeat of Georgia Tech.
  • District 8: Stanford (4-0) is climbing to #2 Top Power rank, after easy 46-13 victory over Navy; keeping Cardinal company at top of South Division is UCLA (4-0, #6) and USC (4-0, #12); Oregon State Beavers, Washington Huskies, and Oregon Ducks (#23) is all tied with 3-1 record at top of North Division.
A "Chanticleer" is a breed of ferocious rooster. Is pronounced "SHAN-TICKLER" like device used for tickling.

“Chanticleer” is rare species of ferocious rooster. Is pronounce “SHAN-TICKLER” like device that is used for tickling enemies. Is very common weapon in coastal villages of South Carolina SSR.


On Tier 2 level, everyone is learning proper way to say “Chanticleer” now that Coastal Carolina is 4-0 and #1 Top Power rank after defeating Coyotes of South Dakota 29-13. But is yet undefeated teams in every District of Tier 2.

UTEP Miners is making big leap from #9 to #3 in Top Power rank after 45-27 victory over previous unbeaten North Carolina A&T. Also making big jumps in Top Power rank is defending District 6 champion North Dakota State (from #17 to #5) who is beating defending District 3 champion South Carolina State 25-8. Texas State, Yale Bulldogs, Stephen F. Austin, and Alabama State is all surprise unbeaten teams moving into top 10 of Top Power rankings (calculated by advanced Soviet supercomputer).

But do not be dismissive of two very top teams from last season! North Texas Mean Green (3-1, #21) and Buffalo Bulls (3-1, #25) is both recovering from early season loss to now move into Top Power 25 after tough victories of Week Four. Season is yet young, like first growth of July springtime vegetation, under hard, icy soil of vast Siberian steppe.


If citizens of Mississippi SSR is loving this place “The Grove” and enjoying this thing named “Hotty Toddy” — is best course of action to not speak of rebellion.

Week Three: Return of Top Power Ranking

Share Button

Who is true Top Power?Week Three of 2014 Commie Football season is now written in history book. Every team is having played two other teams from same Division, so “order of pecking” is looking more clear to all American college football fans.


Many fan is excited to see return of Top Power 25 ranking system. Is happening because of complicated Soviet supercomputer algorithm. Is very best way to rank American college football teams, because is based on most important statistic – NUMBER OF VICTORIES. In world of Commie Football, because every team is playing fair schedule, with elimination of all cupcake games against teams from inferior level, every victory is hard work and true measure of strength! And oh – is not possible to have 3/4 of teams in District with winning record, like in SEC or Pac 12 conference of old times!

Next important part of algorithm is where Soviet supercomputer is becoming necessary. Is taking combination of factor – strength of victory, strength of opponent, and critical measures of offense and defense output. This number is called “TP SCORE” and is showing overall relative strength of team versus other team with same number of victories.

This is much better solution than panel of American college football “expert committee” featuring former Secretary of State of old USA (before Soviet takeover). Is better than large group of “pollsters” picking favorite local team every week, even if team is having less victories than team in other administrative district. Is better than team having most dollars from wealthy capitalist “booster” collective, and this team is now top of ranking and stupid Americans is thinking this is mystery of how?!

Here is first Top Power 25 ranking of season. Only idiot is making ranking before Week Three of season! Making debut at top of 2014 Commie Football Top Power 25 ranking is Aggies of Texas A&M (3-0). Rest of top five is including Ole Miss, Stanford, TCU, and Baylor. Champion from last season Seminoles of Florida State, is appearing at #6. Razorbacks is somewhat surprise at #7, but biggest surprise is unbeaten Temple Owls at #8.

I am understanding how you are now thinking – this early ranking is very interesting, but is maybe changing very much before end of season. Where is Crimson Tide? How is Temple Owls from weak District 1 in top 10?

If this is how you are thinking, you are needing to have deep breath! Is very natural for Top Power 25 to experience big change during season, like ugly duckling that is one day growing into delicious goose, in time for ceremonial end-of-year slaughter.

Intern Bobby is saying...Bobby’s back in the shack! Hey guys – I’m like, super sorry about what happened on Twitter last week. Long story short – I “accidentally” sent out a bunch of tweets at the same time, and Georgy screamed at me (repeatedly… and now stuck on an endless loop in my brain) “LIKE PK MACHINE GUN!” I didn’t think it was that big a deal, you know? But Georgy likes everything to be *ideal’no* – you have to start the fire with small wood, you can’t nick the potatoes when you’re digging with a metal shovel, you have to close all the HTML tags, or whatever. Anyway – he kicked me off of tweeting for a few days, and I had to do this huge, miles-long, hike through the woods BY MYSELF to some random mailbox positioned along this gravel road out in the middle of nowhere to fetch “very critical parcel”. I totally got frostbite, and I was all worried about carrying it so far, but it turned out to be like, the size of a penny – some computer part or something. Got lost on the way back and had to sleep in this like, abandoned missile silo or something. Georgy was all worried when I got back, and even gave me an extra cup of hot tea (and surprise, no sugar). I’m out!

Here is review of stories in Tier 1 Districts:

  • District 1: Unbeaten Temple Owls (3-0, #8) is dominating Syracuse (1-1) 27-10; Nittany Lions of Penn State (2-0, #10) is beating old rival West Virginia (2-1, #22) 35-23; Navy (2-1) is ruining perfect record of Virginia Cavaliers (2-1).
  • District 2: Surprising Kentucky Wildcats (3-0, #13) is taking down Clemson (1-2) 26-21; Also surprising NC State (3-0, #17) is tackling rival Duke (1-2) 20-11; In big rivalry game, Georgia Bulldogs (2-1) is swatting with hand Yellowjackets of Georgia Tech (0-3) 29-13.
  • District 3: Notre Dame (3-0, #16) is yet perfect following 32-23 victory over Michigan State (1-2); Ohio State Buckeyes is showing still dominant in South Division, is beating Marshall Thundering Herd (1-2) 41-18; Last year power Louisville Cardinals (2-1) is maybe waking up, is destroying Golden Flashes of Kent State (0-3) by 33-5 score.
  • District 4: What is happening to Crimson Tide (0-3)? Is surprise losing again, this week to Ole Miss (3-0) (who is surprise #2 Top Power rank)! Defending 2013 champion Florida State (3-0, #6) is easy defeating rival Gators of Florida, but is not at #1 Top Power rank! Auburn (3-0, #9) and Mississippi State (3-0, #11) is also yet unbeaten.
  • District 5: Every team in District is losing one or more game. Wisconsin (2-1) is showing no mercy to Fighting Illini (1-2), is winning 69-19;  Cornhuskers (2-1, #24) is close beating Iowa 31-27; Mizzou (2-1) is winning close 24-21 Border War victory over rival Kansas Jayhawks (0-3).
  • District 6: District is having four teams in top 10 power rank. Aggies of Texas A&M is #1 rank after 58-6 massacre of SMU (0-3); TCU Horned Frogs (3-0, #4) is surprise high rank after 29-18 win over UTSA (1-2); Baylor Bears (3-0, #5) is making dominant 30-19 win vs. Longhorns (1-2); Also do not forget about Razorbacks of Arkansas (3-0, #7), who is making surprise easy mincemeat on LSU (2-1, #21).
  • District 7: Oklahoma Sooners (3-0, #17) is best team in District by Top Power rank, is beating Arizona Wildcats (1-2) 45-41; Utah Utes (1-2) is winning Holy War 30-25 victory over BYU (2-1).
  • District 8: Oregon State Beavers (3-0, #15) is showing California Golden Bears (2-1) what is meaning to be unbeaten! Also, UCLA (3-0, #12), USC (3-0, #14), and Washington Huskies (3-0, #19) is yet unbeaten.


Twenty-five percent of 2014 season is also finish on Tier 2. Is yet 23 teams with unbeaten 3-0 record, with many familiar names at top of Tier 2 Top Power rankings: Chanticleers of Coastal Carolina (#1), Villanova (#2), Colorado State Rams (#3), Appalachian State (#4), Old Dominion (#5). Further down list, a few unfamiliar names is appearing: Charlotte (#6), North Carolina A&T (#7), etc. As in Tier 1, Top Power rankings is more volatile early in season, but is true, best measure of strength of all teams!

Important note – now that Ivy League football is finally playing games, Commie Football game results for Week One and Week Two is now also being complete. Intern Bobby is very sad, because alma mater Harvard Crimson is having terrible start at 0-3. Is maybe too much time studying useless academic books, not enough time practicing football game!