Playoffs: Two Worlds, On Course for Collision

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National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Travel to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Oregon and Ohio State, so government is providing radio broadcast for fans in Oregon SSR and Ohio SSR, only.

National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Long journey to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Ducks and Buckeyes. As show of goodwill towards American people, Soviet government is providing special radio broadcast, in Russian, for all to hear game.

World of Commie Football is strange, parallel universe, bringing order to former chaotic system of determining American college football champion. Some critic is saying that Commie Football supercomputer is producing impossible result, as when Utah State Aggies is winning 2012 championship. But then, only one season ago, Commie Football supercomputer is crowning same champion (Florida State) as ludicrous BCS system, when Seminoles is narrow defeating Oregon Ducks. After, is more complaints, asking in whining voice – what is this proving, when superior Soviet system is producing same result as terrible, capitalist BCS system?

First, take deep breath. Then slow exhale breath, then TAKE DEEPER BREATH ONCE MORE! NOW SLAP OWN FACE! AGAIN! HARDER! Now stop and continue reading.

Is simple. Even corrupt capitalist system, such as nonsense NCAA, is sometimes having good luck. Either this, or obvious one team is true best team in all worlds of college football.

Sometimes, stupid American system for deciding college champion – whether AP poll, BCS, CFP – is having lucky streak, two years consecutive! Is long way to say – this season, advanced Commie Football algorithm is finding same two teams in championship game as flawed College Football Playoff system! Drisnya! In the name of Condoleezza!

r3-t1-rosebowl

Game: Rose Bowl
Location: Pasadena, CA
Final Score: Oregon 32, Ole Miss 25
Notes: Last season, Oregon is losing championship game to Florida State by only one point. During offseason, fans of Ducks is not sleeping, rolling over on hay mattress again and again, making many trips to outdoor latrine with only one thought – why is this team, which is so good for entire regular season, failing to win championship?

This season, Ducks is experiencing early frustration – beating darlings of 2013 Louisville and Boston College, but also losing to bitter District 8 rivals, Cal Golden Bears and UCLA. Then, beginning in Week Six, Oregon is resembling MiG fighter jet on secret KGB mission – to shoot down and destroy all enemies and fly to top of Top Power 25 rankings AGAIN! Mission is success so far – Oregon is once again advancing to national championship game, this time to play Ohio State, to determine true champion of all college football.

r3-t1-fiestabowl

Game: Fiesta Bowl
Location: Glendale, AZ
Final Score: Ohio State 32, TCU 31
Notes: In most exciting contest of playoff semifinal round, Ohio State is defeating tough TCU by only one point, to advance to championship game against top-seed Oregon Ducks. Why is Buckeyes proving too hard of nut for Horned Frogs to puncture? Soviet supercomputer is finding that in order to win this game, top-rank offense and #4-rank defense of Buckeyes is needing every milligram of strength to defeat TCU, who is also bringing powerful balance of offense (#4) and defense (#10), and also #1 in perception of disrespect!

Even in defeat, fans of Horned Frogs is proud – team is rising from mediocre 6-6 team last season, making Commie Football playoffs for first time, almost advancing to championship game! Is perhaps good enough in ESPN world, but not Commie Football. Do svidaniya, Horned Frogs!

In day or two, we are telling what is happening on Tier 2 semifinal games.

Return next week to find out WHO IS HAVING BIGGEST O!

Playoffs Round 2: Is Surviving of Fittest

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If you are understanding "survival of fittest" theory of evolution by Kharl Darwin, then you are understanding why Commie Football is killing and replacing weak College Football Playoff system.

If you are understanding “survival of fittest” theory of evolution by Soviet scientist Kharl Darwin, then you are understanding why Commie Football is eventual eating and making srat of weak, inferior College Football Playoff system.

REBS, DUCKS, FROGS, AND NUTS IS YET LIVING. ALL OTHER TEAMS IS EXTINCT. 

World of Commie Football is holding many surprises for American college football fan. Superior organization, schedule, and playoff system is meaning only true, strongest teams is advancing, while impostor teams is returning to home university campus to weep in communal shower room, located in cold, hard basement level of dormitory tower, when water is available.

In old BCS and CFP systems, many times inferior, impostor team is making to top of opinion poll with easy, cupcake schedule and influence of booster collective, who is paying many dollars to pollsters of AP, in order to secure vote. If pollster is not accepting of bribe money, he is sudden disappearing, like Leon Trotsky.

And yet, sometimes in rare case, such as 2013, Commie Football is declaring same champion as in corrupt BCS/CFP system. Perhaps this is true, natural order, as in famous teachings of Kharl Darwin! Is yet possible this season also, as all four games of Round 2 is won by team with highest seed.

r2-t1-alohabowl

Game: Aloha Bowl
Location: Honolulu, HI
Final Score: Oregon 41, Oklahoma 27
Notes: Top-ranked Ducks is utilizing powerful offense to destroy resistance of weak Sooners defense. Oklahoma is also scoring points, but object of game is to finish with more than opponent. Overall, is good season for Sooners, who is making strong return to playoffs. But is Oregon advancing now to Round 3 (final four teams) for second season, consecutive to meet #1-rank defense of Ole Miss Rebels.

r2-t1-cottonbowl

Game: Cotton Bowl
Location: Arlington, TX
Final Score: TCU 39, Wisconsin 20
Notes: Horned Frogs is suffering from historical lack of respect, first from other, more powerful college football teams in Texas SSR, then from administrative districts across entire American continent. Many is making gesture of insult at strange, amphibian mascot. Yet now, is Frogs who are hopping up and down, stabbing soft belly of enemy with sharp horns! Is very best example of American expression “hopping mad”! Badgers and TCU is having amazing same-ranking of defense, but superior offense of TCU is winning game. Next week, can sharp horn of TCU frog make puncture wound into hard shell of Ohio State Buckeye nut?

r2-t1-peachbowl

Game: Peach Bowl
Location: Atlanta, GA
Final Score: Ohio State 39, Tennessee 20
Notes: Buckeyes is taking risk, choosing playoff game location in city close to homeland of Vols. By end of game, stadium is wearing more red than orange, showing support for both OSU (and Mother Russia). Tennessee is simply not good enough to defeat top offense and #4-rank defense from land with two circular sides and elevated middle. Buckeyes is next to face angry-from-perception-of-disrespect TCU Horned Frogs.

r2-t1-sugarbowl

Game: Sugar Bowl
Location: New Orleans, LA
Final Score: Ole Miss 29, Penn State 17
Notes: Is maybe not revenge obshchiy for losing old American Civil War, but Rebels of Ole Miss is returning to land of cotton with northern Nittany Lion tail in hand. Top-rank defense of Ole Miss is smothering weak Penn State offense, and “rebel yell” of fans is making pain in ears of PSU coaches, just like in old song by William Idol.

 

ROUND 3: SEMIFINALS (SOME IS CONFUSING CALLING “FINAL FOUR”)

Is interesting that final four teams in Tier 1 playoff is all having same 12-2 record. Commie Football playoff is ideal system, where superior team is always rising to next level. Is not sentimental television commercial for weak American beer, tasting like water used for washing of dirty botinok! Here is Round 3 schedule:

  • (1) Oregon (12-2, #1) vs. (4) Ole Miss (12-2, #4) – Rose Bowl
  • (2) TCU (12-2, #2) vs. (3) Ohio State (12-2, #3) – Fiesta Bowl

In next day or two, you are visiting website to learn fate of teams playing in second round of Tier 2 playoffs.

Stupid History of American College Football Champion

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Logo for College Football Playoff is being based on cave drawing made by Neanderthal

Logo for College Football Playoff is being based on cave drawing made by Neanderthal many thousands of years ago.

AMERICA: FOREVER HUNGRY FOR TRUE COLLEGE FOOTBALL CHAMPION

For many years, angry American college football fans is arguing about best teams playing for championship. Is ancient tradition, older than sport itself, encoded in DNA of human species. Fans is like poor peasant nevol’nik, forever hungry. Is happy to boil and eat leather from own dirty shoe, because is tasting better than der’mo goulash older ancestor is eating.

College Football Playoff is making big promise to fix system and give to fans best format to determine one true champion at end of season. This is lie! CFP is simple repeating of history, with purpose to make most money for wealthy capitalist dogs! Even innocent, true angel Condoleezza is succumbing to seduction!

Below you are reading history of failure to determine yearly champion of American college football, and learning truth about many flaws of CFP system. Then, you are accepting of Commie Football 16-team playoff as best possible solution for determining of true champion!

Here is old KGB photo showing famous American gangster Albert Capone

Here is old KGB photo showing famous American gangster Albert Capone enjoying laugh and celebration with illegal alcoholic drink, after Illinois Fighting Illini is being named as 1927 national champion team.

 

Intern Bobby is saying...So, the other morning I’m up on the roof of the shack, clearing off like THREE FEET of snow, ‘cuz it’s covering all of the vent pipes and the shack is like a death sauna – completely filled with steam, smoke, and carbon monoxide. I’ve been feeling paranoid lately anyway, just because I keep seeing things in the woods (like this) and hearing weird noises and stuff. Plus, Georgy kept me up late, drinking his homemade vodka and telling me stories about the time he tracked a rabid bear for five days and eventually killed it with a sharp stick, all because it ruined his babushka’s cabbage crop. Anyway, so I’m more than a little out of it. I go to move these heavy, ice-packed branches off the roof, when suddenly – something tackles me. RACCOON ATTACK! I start screaming and curl into a ball, and there’s like three or four angry raccoons jumping on my head and back, hissing, biting, scratching (lucky I had on about a million layers). Georgy comes flying out of the shack, and I hear this metal “shhhiiiinnng!” sound, followed by squealing. I hear Georgy yelling “you know, you know!” and I’m all like, “YEAH, I KNOW! THEY’RE KILLING ME!” but I guess Russians call these critters “yenot” (or something like that). Anyway, Georgy goes all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon on them with his bayonets. He keeps the fattest one to make a stew out of it. And then (and this is the type of guy he is) he gives me an early Christmas present – a new yenot-skin cap!
  1. BIRTH OF SPORT: As this is explaining previous, sport named “American football” is invention of Soviet Union. Is having origin when peasant farm workers is throwing potatoes as practice for grenade assault on Tsarist armies during Revolution of 1905. Vladimir Lenin is writing first rulebook, which is then stolen by American spy Walter Camp, who is introducing sport to United States, where thirst for blood is national drink.
  2. ROVING FREAKSHOW: In years before conference alliance and meaningless bowl game, each college football team is like wandering circus, free to put on show with any other team. But this is era of Great Depression. Roads is clogged with mud, and horses is having many diseases. Powerful team is sometimes playing weak junior college just over next hill, who is not having enough players and is forcing children with polio on roster. Many teams is finishing with unbeaten record every season, then having argument via carrier pigeon over who is champion of entire country.
  3. DIRTY MONEY: In era of Prohibition, American gangsters is having many strong alcohol drinks at illegal nightclub and making debate over who is best college football team. First “polls” is propaganda to trick rival gangster to make large money bets on wrong team at speakeasy.
  4. INTRODUCTION OF HUMAN BIAS: Following Great Patriotic War, polls like AP and UPI is popular invention of corrupt football journalists, to pay off bribe to gangsters. Each football “expert” is voting for team of booster collective paying most bribe money in brown paper bag. Football coaches is all voting for own team. Every season is two or three team saying “I am top champion.”
  5. FAULTY MATH: Early mathematical systems of 1960s for determining champion is too simple, like creation of young child with pinky finger in pile of coal ash. Many is trying to fix math to award championship to teams from old seasons! America is not having superior mathematician, like Sofya Yanovskaya to solve problem.
  6. USA BANK OF STUPID BOWL GAME, BRINGING TO YOU BY MULTINATIONAL TECHNOLOGY CORPORATION WITH IDIOT NAME: Enemy-of-the-people Ronald Reagan is master to proliferation of meaningless bowl games with complex television contracts and arbitrary, automatic conference alliance. Each season, fans is seeing five strong teams not play each other, with each claiming championship!
  7. BCS IS MESS: In recent past, fans is thinking complex computer algorithm is determining best teams to play in top bowl games, but truth is this – television executives is making decision at secret luxury resort, basing outcome on immoral games of chance.
  8. COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF: Is end result of broken history to determine American college football champion. Central committee members having personal and financial bias to favor certain teams is entire system! Argument over best two teams is now even more stupid argument over #5 team in country! Whoever is saying this is true playoff is using spoon to plow field, instead of tractor!
  9. PROBLEM SOLVED: In 2012, Commie Football is revealing Manifesto to reorganize American college football and fix broken system of determining true champion.

To all true American college football fans – pozhaluysta!

Now, here is slogan for chanting at next game: Chempion reshili putem golosovaniya prisushche nedostatok!Meaning is difficult to explain. Do not worry about this.