Commie Football Will Be There For You, Beginning Next Week

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druzya-banner Is first weekend of 2015 American college football season, but where is Commie Football results?

You are forgetting already! Commie Football season is not begin until Week Two of NCAA football regular season. Why is this? Is because Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation of Commie Football scores. Beginning of 2015 PUACF season is next week. You are finding 2015 season schedule here.


Here at Secondary Emergency Headquarters, is having recent problem. After previous intern (now member of staff) Bobby is playing with satellite feed like children’s toy, only video showing on security monitors is episodes of idiot American television program “Friends”. Is playing in endless loop, 24 hours every day!

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To keep brain from disintegrating into bowl of cold, moldy kasha, I am thinking always of college football while watching tragic love story of Ross and Rashel. Is true to admit, I am learning many things about meaningless capitalist American culture from this show. As example, each character is perfect symbol of American college football program:

  • ROSS GELLER is supposed “smart” character, expert in study of dinosaur era, but unable to find glory in present time. Is dating many women throughout story, but is never able to keep commitment, long-term. Whining is becoming louder each season, like spoiled child having tantrum. Is believing to be superior, but running away when danger is confronting. Ross is FIGHTING IRISH of NOTRE DAME. Bonus: Karol is former wife of Ross, now in relationship with Syuzan, just as USC Trojans is having more healthy relationship with Stanford Cardinal!
  • RASHEL GREEN is always wearing clothing and haircut of latest fashion, attracting much attention. But inside is shallow, like receding waters of Aral Sea. Is gazing always at beautiful reflection in mirror, but becoming panic in stressful situation. Rashel is OREGON DUCKS. Bonus: Rashel is leaving former fiance Barry, just as Oregon is leaving former archrival Washington Huskies! Surplus Bonus: Gunther is loser working in Central Perk kafe, who is having obsession with attractive looks of Rashel. This is Baylor Bears!
  • MONIKA GELLAR is craving competition, becoming aggressive with any slight perception of disrespect. Is also vstrevozhennyy, wanting control in every situation, insisting to only do her way, always. In past, Monika was typical fat American, but now, even when beautiful, is needing to prove superiority always, because is still feeling ugly inside. Monika is ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Bonus: Monika is having on-off relationship with Richard, who is older man set in ways, uninterested in change. Just like Ole Miss Rebels!
  • CHANDELIER BING is living easy life with much money, yet is always making loud, mean joke as defense to feel superior and hide secret hatred of self. Is mere cog in anonymous, capitalist finance corporation. Is also wearing woman’s sweater vest always, which is famous garment of recent popular college football coach. Chandelier is OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Bonus: Chandelier is sometimes running into old girlfriend Janice, who is having loud, annoying voice like braying donkey. This is also Michigan Wolverines!
  • In USSR, FEBA BUFFAY would spend rest of life in psikhiatricheskaya bol’nitsa. Is pretending to be child of flowers, but is former street criminal and drug addict, even now making threat to friends. Is playing rudimentary folk guitar and singing unlistenable song about cat in Central Perk kafe. Presence is making no sense. Drug addict, guitar, cats – is much like American city of Austin, in Texas SSR. Feba is TEXAS LONGHORNS. Bonus: Feba is having twin sister Ursula, who is being cruel and cold, like Siberian winter, to former family members, just like Texas A&M!
  • JOSEF TRIBIANI is typical American male, head filled with kholodets, interested only in eating neighbor’s food and spreading STD disease. Is failing actor, unable to pretend to be anything but idiot. Nonsense saying “How you doin’?” is somehow magic spell to attract next victim. Josef is SEMINOLES OF FLORIDA STATE. Bonus: Josef is having sister named Gina, who is strong of spirit and looking good, but is often bringing shame to family with brash behavior. Is like Miami Hurricanes!

Da, I am also watching few episodes of “Joey” television program (spinoff of “Friends”) to satisfy curiosity about future of Josef Tribbiani. Curiosity is only lasting three, maybe four episodes, maximum.

2014 Season is Around Next Corner

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Is Seminoles of FSU vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys clash happening already in past, or in near future? Commie Football is bending rules of both time and space.

Is Seminoles of FSU vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys clash happening already in past, or in near future? Commie Football is bending rules of both time and space.

Many readers is writing e-mails and sending message by pigeon, asking where is Week One scores for 2014 Commie Football season. Many is fan of defending champion Florida State Seminoles or Tigers of LSU, and is excited to see same score on Commie Football scoreboard as is appearing on ESPN website.

Here is thing – Commie Football is very maximum difficult 12-game schedule because is not having, as in old NCAA system, what Americans is calling “bye week”. In truth, bye week is false name for “vacation week” or “sit-around-on-fat-popka” week! Is peculiar American cultural trait – taking lazy road, as in American concept of “half-hour lunch break” or “8-hour workday” or “long weekend off for national holiday, with full payment” or “extended sick leave, due to workplace injury”.

After Communist takeover, then America is learning meaning of what is true, never-ending, hard work! As best example, American college football players is playing grueling 12 games in row, 12 consecutive week schedule, and then only if good enough, is playing even more playoff games! No bye week during regular season!

Last 2013 season, Commie Football Week One is same as NCAA schedule. Problem is then, Commie Football regular season is ending much earlier than NCAA schedule, which is fat like pregnant pig with lazy, American-style bye weeks. This year is slight adjustment, so Commie Football is starting next week. But is having a “murderer’s row” (leave it to American to make murder sound like good thing!) of hi-quality matchups between marquee football programs on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels.

Fans of FSU Seminoles and Tigers of LSU is thinking probably, “Well, how-dee! This just means our FSU boys will plum lay another WHUPPIN’ on them Cowboys from Okla-HO-MY-A!” In Commie Football, this is depending. Soviet supercomputer is creating new algorithm for calculating results of first and second games into one Commie Football game. So then, perhaps in Commie Football parallel world, it is Oklahoma State and Wisconsin Badgers who are emerging as true victors?


Some readers is asking for refreshing course on how Commie Football is functioning. You are remembering how old American system of college football is working poorly, and why it is having many stupid problem, da?

New Commie Football system is fixing all old problems with NCAA/BCS/CFP/CIA through simple system of logic:

  1. Organize all teams based on geographic region of school;
  2. Most fair-to-all, best-quality schedule for every team;
  3. Best system for determining champion (here is hint – is PLAYOFF!).

Oh, and on the top of all three things – PROMOTION and RELEGATION of best and worst teams between different Tiers, to be ensuring good competition every season. This is followed by small yearly REALIGNMENT to ensure best geographic distribution.

Is perhaps second-greatest invention for American college football of all time.

This is because #1 greatest invention of all time is INVENTION OF AMERICAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL!


Commie Football is system now entering third season on Internet. Is idea that is ahead of time, yes. But rest of world is slowly discovering what is special about idea. As evidence, here is article on Land-Grant Holy Land website that is proposing similar system of organization, plus promotion and relegation of college football teams. However, article is misleading capitalist propaganda, because is not discussing origin of such system, from original teachings of Marx and Engels.

Regular Season is Finish! Next is Playoff!

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Lenin is first to bring concept of playoff to American football.

Lenin is first to bring concept of playoff to American college football.

Week 12 was final week of Commie Football regular season (here you see scores). Is seeming like only yesterday when Utah State Aggies is winning 2012 championship by single point in upset over Alabama Crimson Tide and is becoming underdog toast of all American college football fan!

But nyet, is old news from previous season. In 2013 season, Aggies is not even winning District 7 South Division, is not making playoff, and so country is soon crowning new champion of all American college football!

In old BCS system, by this time of college football season is only 2 or 3 teams thinking about true chance for national championship. In new Commie Football playoff system, is 16 TEAMS in hunt for title! And best yet, because of system of Districts, football fans in all parts of country are having nearby team who is hunting for championship!  (Please, if you will go and look at map.) Is more excitement for all college football fans!

In Commie Football playoff:

  1. 16 teams (from each Tier) are making to playoff. Each Division winner is first facing other Division winner from same District.
  2. In Round 2, eight District Champions are playing each other in single-elimination tournament to determine new champion.
  3. Round 3, is four teams left.
  4. National Championship Game

You see, like all other normal, sporting leagues with logic in whole world! Is fair, difficult road for all champions to travel in finding ultimate glory and honor.

You are asking – “Really are these 16 teams the very best teams in American college football this season?” Is famous saying in Russia – “Shila v meske ne utaish” which is meaning “You cannot hide an awl in a sack.” which is meaning true strength and weakness of all teams is always being discovered.

Also in Russia, is another saying: “Vsyakomu ovoshchu svoyo vremya.” Is meaning “Every vegetable has its time.” Who will be champion American college football team of 2013 season, like ripe vegetable?

So, without any of – now, this is French word, not Russian word – adieu! Here is all Tier 1 and Tier 2 teams that is winning Division and making to District Championship Game, also being known as Round 1 of Commie Football playoffs (W-L record, Top Power rank):

Tier 1: District Championship Games

  • District 1: Boston College (9-3, #16) vs. Penn State (9-3, #17)
  • District 2: Virginia Tech (9-3, #15) vs. Louisville (11-1, #3)
  • District 3: Michigan State (10-2, #9) vs. Ohio State (9-3, #13)
  • District 4: Florida State (11-1, #2) vs. Alabama (10-2, #6)
  • District 5: Wisconsin (8-4, #20) vs. Missouri (10-2, #8)
  • District 6: Oklahoma State (11-1, #4) vs. Houston (9-3, #18)
  • District 7: Baylor (12-0, #1) vs. Boise State (8-4, #24)
  • District 8: Oregon (10-2, #5) vs. UCLA (9-3, #12)

Tier 2: District Championship Games

  • District 1: Maine (10-2, #6) vs. Princeton (7-5, unranked)
  • District 2: Towson (9-3, #12) vs. Coastal Carolina (9-3, #16)
  • District 3: South Carolina State (11-1, #3) vs. Florida Atlantic (9-3, #14)
  • District 4: Chattanooga (9-3, #15) vs. Memphis (10-2, #4)
  • District 5: Buffalo (9-3, #7) vs. Eastern Illinois (10-2, #5)
  • District 6: North Dakota State (11-1, #1) vs. Tulane (9-4, #17)
  • District 7: North Texas (11-1, #2) vs. UTSA (9-3, #9)
  • District 8: Colorado State (8-4, #18) vs. UNLV (7-5, unranked)

Keep tuned to blog for preview/full information for these games.

For All Teams, Schedule is Having No Cupcakes

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Here is photo of team Seminoles of Florida State is scheduling for 2014 opening game.

Here is photo of team Seminoles of Florida State is scheduling for 2014 opening game.

In old system, American powerhouse college football teams is taking three or four weeks of playing practice game against cupcake opponent from weaker level. Is almost competition in seeing who is playing weakest team and which powerhouse team can score 100 points in game first. Nobody is surprised when Top 10 team is playing first game of season against junior college. Every team is saying “we are good team because we are 3-0!” and every coach is saying “I had winning streak!” when team is only playing games against pee wee league and women’s penitentiary.

Is maybe good deal for weaker school, who is being paid many American dollars to be beaten like runt dog in street. But is bad deal for football fans, who is paying many dollars to watch this boring game. Is bad deal for football players on both teams, who is either not having true test of strength, or is coming to Kalashnikov fight with only small bayonet.

In Commie Football, is no cupcake games! All teams is only playing other teams on same Tier (96 teams on Tier 1, 96 teams on Tier 2). Da, some teams on Tier is having bad season and is becoming very weak, but at end of season, weakest teams is moving down to lower Tier, and strong teams from lower Tier can be moving up to higher Tier. This is keeping competition level fair from season to season.

Commie Football Schedule BreakdownHere, chart is showing how Commie Football schedule is being organized. Is best system for having entertaining game every week and testing all teams for truly seeing which is best team.

Week Four Preview 

You are looking at chart? You see Week Four is having teams from one District play same seed team from other District, like as in Week One. Is second of three such games in season. Is creating many interesting games with teams from different parts of country, to include:

  • #5 Stanford (3-0) vs. #10 Utah State (3-0), 2012 Champion
  • #12 Michigan (3-0) vs. #22 Kansas State (2-1)
  • #2 Oklahoma (3-0) vs. #13 Vanderbilt (3-0)
  • #8 Penn State (3-0) vs. Florida (2-1)
  • #23 UCLA (2-1) vs. Boise State (2-1)
  • #19 Oregon (2-1) vs. #25 Arizona State (2-1)

On Tier 2 is also many high-rated matches, to include:

  • #3 Western Kentucky (3-0) vs. #13 Troy (3-0), 2012 Champion
  • #10 Towson (3-0) vs. #12 Southern Miss (3-0)
  • #2 Youngstown State (3-0) vs. Alabama State (2-1)
  • #14 Sam Houston State (3-0) vs. #24 Hawaii (2-1)
  • #6 Tulane (3-0) vs. North Carolina A&T (2-1)
  • #7 Northern Iowa (3-0) vs. #19 Old Dominion (2-1)
  • #8 Montana (3-0) vs. UTSA (2-1)

Every week is so many good games for American college football fans, all is arguing over which game to be watching on home television.