In Sochi, All is Very Beautiful & Perfect

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A message from Premier Putin to ungrateful world. Nightmare Bear has same message.

When Winter Olympics is coming to Sochi, many Americans is looking for reason to be poking fun of Russia, because of bad feeling from times of Cold War. But Ronald Reagan is losing this war long time ago! Is now new era when Premier Putin is bringing peace and prosperity to all peoples, from Mother Russia to troublesome stepchild America.

Despite this, here is seven ways America is still not understanding culture of Russia:

  1. America is saying two toilets in bathroom is not better than one toilet! How is this so? If you are having to use toilet, but wife is already using, you are having to release der’mo out back door, into pen where you are keeping pigs. Pigs is then eating, and then you are slaughtering pig, so you are eating disgusting, same excrement once again in breakfast! This is why two toilets is better than one toilet.
  2. During glorious Opening Ceremony, many Americans is making complaint when only four of five rings of Olympic symbol is lighting. Is not accident! Number five ring is one representing Americas. This is way of government to say to America, “When you are watching Olympics on home black-and-white television set, KGB is also watching you and your family at same time.” Is way for government to show citizens who is true boss. Most of world is understanding.
  3. Many is laughing when stupid man from American team is getting trapped in bathroom, so is having to break down door to escape. Is because American is not knowing how to turn Russian doorknob! Something every small child in Russia is doing everyday! How is this fault of Sochi hotel?
  4. Is complaints from American athletes about dangerous condition of some competition sitessnowboarding halfpipe, luge track, slopestyle (whatever this is), downhill ski course – is not standard, is too fast, is too bumpy, list is going on longer than Volga River! Are you Olympic-level athlete, or are you winning gold medal for crying like child, complaining that goat’s milk is not warm enough before bedtime folk tale?
  5. Some is saying is too many stray dogs in Sochi and this is problem. Putin is very happy when American is wanting to adopt stray Sochi dogs. KGB plan is working! Maybe you are taking dog into home, or to daytime job at Pentagon. Is even better!
  6. Others is saying adorable Olympic mascot bear is frightening to children, is having eyes that are moving in unnatural way. Who is really having more frightening eyes? Olympic mascot bear or American broadcaster Bob Costas? America is showing bias.
  7. Still more is saying figure skating competition is rigged. If so, why is Russia not also winning silver and bronze medals? Adelina Sotnikova is making upset win in women’s figure skating. Is beautiful Russian girl with very difficult routine. Who is complaining? Judges is voting her best. But world is angry because she is from Russia! Is poor sportsmanship.

So what if Russia is winning most medals of all Olympics? Is best country, best athletes, best facilities for Olympic competition in whole world, so is not surprise. Also, is only one worker killed during whole Olympics. By coincidence, is man responsible for running Opening Ceremony light show.