True College Football Champion is Yet Unidentified

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Putin is again winning Heisman Trophy.

Putin is again winning Heisman Trophy.

You are thinking that Alabama Crimson Tide is winning national championship game over Clemson to finish exciting 2015 season?

NYET! This is incorrect. In truth, inferior College Football Playoff is mere “warming up” to primary event – Commie Football Playoff! And in world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide is not making playoffs, due to second-place finish behind Ole Miss in District 4 West standings. For first time since 2012 season, is impossible for having exact same Commie Football champion… as in corrupt NCAA system. 

Why is this? In inferior CFP system, to determine champion is only tiny, 4-team playoff. Commie Football is making strong argument in vintage blog post for expansion of college football playoff to include more teams. This plan is requiring improved organization and schedule formula to make fair for all college football teams. Only then, can fans of winning team enjoy moment of true, pure ekstaz of champion, before return to work in mining operation, munitions factory, or agricultural collective.

In processor of Commie Football supercomputer, is 16 teams now in hunt for eternal championship glory! Two representatives from each 8 geographic Districts compete in first round of playoffs (which is District Championship game).

Behold! You are now seeing Round 1 results of 2015 playoffs:

r1-t1-d1District: 1
Location: East Rutherford, NJ
Final Score: West Virginia 26, Connecticut 24
Notes: Is successful season already for mediocre Mountaineers, who is finally seizing South division title from usual winner Penn State in final week of regular season. Now seeking revenge against Huskies due to embarrassing 37-19 loss in Week Five, WVU is proving to UConn (and entire world!) who is new czar of District 1. Is true, District 1 is historical weak district. Mountaineers is now winning five games consecutive, but is facing most difficult test in Round 2 playoff game vs. powerful Fighting Irish of Notre Dame (of District 5).

r1-t1-d2

District: 2
Location: Charlotte, NC
Final Score: Clemson 43, Duke 24
Notes: Tigers is defeating Duke for second time this season (first victory was Week Ten), climbing now to top ten Top Power ranking for first time in entire season. In world of Commie Football, Clemson offense/defense rank is unimpressive, but Tigers is winning games when is critical for advancement, so is now on to Round 2 of of playoffs vs. Ole Miss Rebels (of District 4).

r1-t1-d3

District: 3
Location: Nashville, TN
Final Score: Memphis 26, Michigan 25
Notes: Clemson is not only Tiger in playoff, as miracle Memphis Tigers is surprising world again, defeating Michigan for second time in season (also Week Six) to complete glorious rise to top of District 3. How is happen? #9-rank offense of Tigers is proving superior to #9-rank defense of Wolverines, by only one point. For Michigan, humiliation is great – Wolverines were #1 Top Power rank for two weeks early in season, but now is return home to Michigan SSR with wolverine claws ripped out of paw, like common only-in-house-living kitten. But celebration in Memphis is brief, for Tigers is now to face #1 Top Power rank Oklahoma Sooners (of District 6) in Round 2.

r1-t1-d4

District: 4
Location: Tampa, FL
Final Score: Ole Miss 37, South Florida 26
Notes: Rebels of Ole Miss is now winning second District 4 championship, consecutive. Is this true upset victory? Da, USF is having higher Top Power rank before game, and da, Bulls is already defeating Ole Miss in Week Ten. But USF schedule is soft, like warm, spreading maslo! Ole Miss, despite unusual losses to USF, Miami, and Arkansas during regular season, is playing schedule of defending division champion, which is making better prepared for ultimate playoff battle! Round 2 is bringing Clemson Tigers (of District 2) into arena!

r1-t1-d5District: 5
Location: Chicago, IL
Final Score: Notre Dame 27, Iowa 25
Notes: After loss to Wisconsin in District 5 Championship last season, Hawkeyes is raising new expectation of fans, losing only one game during 2015 regular season. Notre Dame is also losing in first round, District 3 championship last season. But Week Five victory vs. Iowa, who is playing weak schedule, is now proving prophecy, when Fighting Irish is now seizing District 5 championship game! With good offense (#19) and defense (#17) balance, Irish is proving too steady, like Soviet ballistic missile, for #8-defense of Iowa, who is returning players to off-season labor in massive corn-processing collective. Notre Dame is advancing to Round 2 of playoffs vs. West Virginia Mountaineers (of District 1).

r1-t1-d6

District: 6
Location: Dallas, TX
Final Score: Oklahoma 35, Houston 23
Notes: Top-rank Sooners is having much experience of playoffs, winning District 7 championship last season.  Oklahoma is now boasting of title in new district (due to realignment in off-season), following easy victory vs. Cougars of Houston. With #1-offense on Tier 1, Sooners is now #1 Top Power rank for five weeks, consecutive. Only imperfection during season is Week Two loss to rival Oklahoma State, but Cowboys is losing division race and is missing playoffs. One time climbing to #10 Top Power rank, Houston Cougars is losing three of final four games, including in Week Ten already to OU, as well as lowly UTEP in Week Twelve! Sooners is now facing feisty Memphis Tigers (of District 3) in Round 2… who is having history of shocking upset victories.

r1-t1-d7

District: 7
Location: Glendale, AZ
Final Score: Utah 31, Air Force 23
Notes: With now six-game win streak, Utah Utes is finally climbing to #10 Top Power rank, to accompany #10-defense rank. But, Utes is also playing very weak schedule – is this mask of weakness? Utah fans will know after Round 2 playoff game vs. USC Trojans (of District 8). For Air Force Falcons, is yet feeling of honor to be champion of weak South division. Highlight of season is upset victory over then-#9 Top Power rank Washington Huskies in Week 8.

r1-t1-d8

District: 8
Location: San Jose, CA
Final Score: USC 36, Washington 21
Notes: In competitive Week Six game, unbeaten Washington is defeating USC, but now in District 8 Championship, Trojans is tasting revenge! Finally, is erase bad memory of losing to Oregon last season in title game! Trojans is building steam cloud, like locomotive, all season with #6-rank offense and difficult schedule. For Washington, is much frustration as very good Huskies offense (#14) and defense (#13) is now only to work in off-season log-cutting factory. USC is facing Utah Utes (of District 7) in Round 2 of playoff.

IS NATURAL TO WANT MORE. BUT ROUND 1 IS NOT YET FINISH!

In one day, perhaps two – after I am finding passcode to open lock on interrogation chamber where Bobby and Intern Kyle is trapped – Commie Football supercomputer is calculating first round of Tier 2 playoffs, which is identical in organization to Tier 1.

Next week is results for Round 2 of playoffs (both Tier 1 and 2) when advancing teams is seeded 1-to-8, based on most recent Top Power rank. Highest-seed team is playing lowest-seed team, like common-sense tournament. As tribute to ancient era, seven remaining playoff games is played in traditional bowl game location: [from east to west: Orange (Florida SSR), Peach (Georgia SSR), Sugar (Louisiana SSR), Cotton (Texas SSR), Fiesta (Arizona SSR), Rose (California SSR), and Aloha (Hawaii SSR)]. Higher-seed team in matchup is choosing location for each game.

Here is Round 2 schedule (for Tier 1):

  • (1) Oklahoma (12-1, #1) vs. (8) Memphis (9-4, #15) – Cotton Bowl
  • (2) Notre Dame (10-3, #3) vs. (7) West Virginia (9-4, #14) – Orange Bowl
  • (3) USC (10-3, #4) vs. (6) Utah (10-3, #9) – Rose Bowl
  • (4) Ole Miss (10-3, #5) vs. (5) Clemson (10-3, #8) – Sugar Bowl

Sooners is choosing to make shortest trip, only to Dallas in Texas SSR, but is also not far for Memphis Tigers. If leaving today by wagon, team will arrive in time for game. Bowls of Peach, Aloha, and Fiesta is remaining playoff game locations.

Ded Moroz is Coming to Town

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Here is chamber where Intern Kyle is staying until interrogation is complete.

Here is chamber where Intern Kyle is staying until interrogation is complete. Bobby is wanting to decorate, so I am allowing wooden statue of Ded Moroz to stand as funny “guard” of prison. But Bobby is placing too close, and Kyle is taking wooden scepter of statue and picking lock to escape.

Is Orthodox Christmas day. As gift, I am waking Intern Kyle from deep hyperbaric sleep and giving opportunity to complete test of loyalty, to defend self against suspicion as secret double-agent.

WAKING

Was very difficult to wake and remove Intern Kyle from hyperbaric sleep chamber. Bobby is making accident and giving too much dose of pure oxygen, including also unique mixture of chemical gas, of my own invention. Is causing Kyle to sleep for many days more than original plan of one week. I am using Soviet supercomputer to discover new method of waking from deep hyperbaric sleep, but is taking one week, additional time, due to much frustrating, glitching connection to Internet.

Ded Moroz

Here is close photo of Ded Moroz, who is Russian Father of Christmas, wearing blue costume instead of red. Bobby is carving this statue from piece of old firewood as Orthodox Christmas present. Paint is little bit sloppy.

Uuuhggh.  I don’t FEEL goood. Not… sure what’s going on. Or where… am I in Russia… er…? Grwh…– <snores>

During this long wait, Bobby is wanting to decorate interrogation chamber for Orthodox Christmas. I am allowing him to place wooden statue he is carving with bayonet of Ded Moroz, who is Russian Father of Christmas. Is similar to American Santa of Klaus, but is wearing blue costume instead of red.

ESCAPE!

Kyle is waking in interrogation chamber during middle of night, and is then reaching out of prison cell and removing wooden scepter from hand of Ded Moroz statue. Kyle is then picking lock and making escape.

When I am waking in morning, I am finding Kyle in deep sleep inside food chamber, with many frozen loaf of rye breads. Bobby is helping to load sleeping body into tachka, and we are returning Kyle to interrogation chamber, where he is again waking.

THE TEST

Then, I am giving to Kyle important test. I am asking him to name, from own memory, each qualifying playoff team on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels for 2015 Commie Football season.

In addition to pass test, Kyle is having to say each team record and Top Power rank, and first round opponent, which is District Championship games.

Here is what Intern Kyle is saying is schedule for Round 1, next week:

TIER 1

  • District 1: Connecticut (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia (8-4, #21)
  • District 2: Duke (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson (9-3, #13)
  • District 3: Michigan (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis (8-4, #26)
  • District 4: South Florida (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss (9-3, #7)
  • District 5: Notre Dame (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa (11-1, #2)
  • District 6: Oklahoma (11-1, #1) vs. Houston (8-4, #23)
  • District 7: Utah (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force (8-4, #29)
  • District 8: Washington (9-3, #9) vs. USC (9-3, #6)

TIER 2

  • District 1: Yale (4-8, #78) vs. Villanova (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: James Madison (10-2, #7) vs. North Carolina A&T (9-3, #12)
  • District 3: South Carolina State (8-4, #27) vs. Georgia Southern (11-1, #3)
  • District 4: Western Kentucky (11-1, #1) vs. Southern Miss (11-1, #2)
  • District 5: Toledo (10-2, #5) vs. Akron (8-4, #28)
  • District 6: South Dakota State (8-4, #26) vs. Southern Illinois (9-3, #15)
  • District 7: Tulane (8-4, #22) vs. McNeese State (11-1, #4)
  • District 8: Wyoming (9-3, #13) vs. San Jose State (10-2, #6)

As you read now, is many intriguing matchups, from every region of country. Is true, best system to determine champion for all fans of American college football.

THE VERDICT

But as you also read, Kyle is making one mistake. He is saying “Yale Bulldogs” as representative of Tier 2/District 1 (North Division). This is incorrect. Is Harvard Crimson (9-3, #9) who is true making to Tier 2/District 1 Championship game!

I am saying to Kyle, “You are still asleep, dreaming.” Then I am marching to chamber door, turning out chamber light, and slamming door shut (which is automatic locking)!

LATER

Then, after many minutes, perhaps one hour, I am realizing that I am accident locking Bobby into chamber with Intern Kyle. But is very late. Is probably okay….

Hyperbaric Sleep is Best for Health, Loyalty

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Here is photo showing temporary computer system for maintenance of hyperbaric sleep chamber.

Here is photo showing temporary computer system for maintenance of hyperbaric sleep chamber.

In middle of interesting Twitter conversation you see above, regarding which team is wearing which variety of undergarment, Commie Football is receiving above Tweet from fan/informant in District 8, with suspicion that Intern Kyle is not who he is saying.

Georgy is also having this suspicion. Why is this? Like gradual accumulation of snow on roof of building, accumulation of minor observations is one day making roof collapse!

  • In early days of internship, Kyle is given task to fix satellite feed, which is broken by Bobby to only show idiot American television program “Friends” on endless loop. He is doing this very quickly. Perhaps… too quickly?
  • One day, Kyle is taking long time to return from hunting turkey. He is saying this is due to becoming disoriented in forest. Is impossible, I am giving good compass.
  • When Yale football team is having terrible season, Kyle is not always showing appropriate level of anger, instead sometimes shrugging shoulders and no longer paying entire attention. Is this how loyal “redshirt” member of Yale football team, as he is telling to me, is behaving?
  • Another day, while gathering wood for primary furnace, our group (Georgy, Kyle, Bobby) is coming under attack from wild yenot, who are most hungry this time of year. Kyle is seeming to aim bayonet at Bobby, who is then tripping on rock. Kyle bayonet is then missing Bobby and slaughtering yenot.
  • Later in battle, while I am defensing helpless Bobby on ground, Kyle is then slaughtering final yenot with very accurate throw of bayonet, mere centimeters from my ear. Perhaps this bayonet throw is… too accurate?
OMG. Like, double OMG, if I have to live through another round with the hyperbolic sleep chamber AGAIN. I did NOT enjoy being inside that thing last year. Although I do have to say – really, REALLY great sleep. Sooo good.

Crazy dreams. But then of course, it took me like, DAYS or WEEKS or whatever to feel like, totally awake again. No thanks man. Already done-been HAZED.

I am developing plan as test of Kyle loyalty. I am preparing hyperbaric sleep chamber for annual hibernation period, after regular season is finish but before Commie Football playoffs in January. In normal situation, I am entering sleep chamber in late December and waking in time for Orthodox Christmas.

But is problem with normal computer system attached to sleep chamber. After recent software update, interface is looking very different and Bobby is clicking wrong button to run diagnostic test, rendering computer unresponsive to manual input. I am asking Intern Kyle to fix.

Kyle is finding source of software issue (which is real), but is also discovering possible short circuit in wires inside chamber wall (which is fake). When Kyle is entering chamber to fix, I am placing boot on his zadnitsa and giving strong push! Then I am slamming shut chamber door and activating system, using controls connected to temporary, secondary computer housed in unused storage chamber (see photo above). Computer is very old, but is reliable so long as room temperature is remain below freezing.

Kyle is now enjoying long hyperbaric sleep. Atmosphere of chamber is very much oxygen, with also unique mixture of chemical gas… of my own invention.

After waking, while still feeling effect of sleep, I will ask series of questions to reveal true nature of purpose for Kyle here.

This is Story About Control

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"Tovarisch Jackson, if you are nasty."

“Tovarisch Jackson, if you are nasty.”

GIVE ME (OPPONENT) TO BEAT!

This is what every college football team qualifying for 2015 Commie Football playoffs is now wanting. Even more, every college football fan is losing breath with anticipation for excitement to know who is champion team.

But as Dzhenet Jackson, famous poet from Indiana SSR, is saying, “let us wait awhile.” Why is wait? Is because in world of Commie Football, superior 16-team playoff to determine TRUE champion of all American college football is schedule in January, many weeks in future.

Is good reason, worthy of long wait! Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to determine final scores of Commie Football playoff games, including final scores of pointless conference championship games (early December) and meaningless bowl games named for corrupt American corporation (late December/early January). Only after this, is then time for Commie Football playoffs.

As reminder, here is review of qualifying playoff teams on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels. Remember, first round is District Championship games:

TIER 1

  • District 1: Connecticut (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia (8-4, #21)
  • District 2: Duke (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson (9-3, #13)
  • District 3: Michigan (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis (8-4, #26)
  • District 4: South Florida (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss (9-3, #7)
  • District 5: Notre Dame (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa (11-1, #2)
  • District 6: Oklahoma (11-1, #1) vs. Houston (8-4, #23)
  • District 7: Utah (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force (8-4, #29)
  • District 8: Washington (9-3, #9) vs. USC (9-3, #6)

TIER 2

  • District 1: Harvard (9-3, #9) vs. Villanova (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: James Madison (10-2, #7) vs. North Carolina A&T (9-3, #12)
  • District 3: South Carolina State (8-4, #27) vs. Georgia Southern (11-1, #3)
  • District 4: Western Kentucky (11-1, #1) vs. Southern Miss (11-1, #2)
  • District 5: Toledo (10-2, #5) vs. Akron (8-4, #28)
  • District 6: South Dakota State (8-4, #26) vs. Southern Illinois (9-3, #15)
  • District 7: Tulane (8-4, #22) vs. McNeese State (11-1, #4)
  • District 8: Wyoming (9-3, #13) vs. San Jose State (10-2, #6)

Is many intriguing matchups, from every region of country. Is best system for all fans of American college football.

Playoff structure is simple. ROUND ONE of playoffs is District Championship game. Ranking in Top Power 25 is not a factor in determination of playoff invitation. To qualify, team must finish at top of division standings. If nyet, then Commie Football is saying to this team – “what is you have done lately for me?”

When I am thinking of Commie Football playoffs, nothing else is seeming to matter… but now I am instructing Intern Kyle to locate more music videos of Dzhenet Jackson on Internet.