Workers of Every American College Football Team, Unite!

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Unite! Trade union for American college football players! More  potatoes  for hungry athletes!

Unite! Trade union for American college football players! More potatoes for hungry athletes!

Is much discontent at American universities over question of paying money to student-athletes on college football teams. American college football is big business. Is making many rubles for universities (top officials, especially) and television executives, and bringing much entertainment to common, proletariat fans all over country and world.

So what is problem?

Problem is for student-athletes, who da, are attending university in exchange for playing football, but are also seeing university athletic director, assistant coach, and television executive making many hundreds, thousands, millions of rubles from game, all while players are eating simple meal of cold Tyurya in shared kitchen of student dormitory built in 1970s!

Many is agreeing this is unfair deal. Best star player is appearing on university propaganda without receiving payment. Players at big programs is spending many more hours on football training than on academic studies, and this is true expectation of university!

This is question: is college football player more like student, or employee? Or is something in middle, like student who is also receiving payment from university? You are calling this “work-study” or “internship” at American university, da? I am just lear–


Intern Bobby is saying...[Hey everyone – Robert here (aka “Bobby the Intern” lol!) I taught Georgy ALL ABOUT internships, co-ops, work-study, etc. Not that I ever *had* to do work-study, but I still know what it is. I actually didn’t even know about internships until I took this one. Thing is, all the money here has like, the Greek alphabet or Arabic or whatever written all over it, so I have no idea how much I’m actually getting paid so far. Whatevs, it’s all cool (and very, very cold!) here in Somewhere, Russia. Anyway – don’t miss the action over on Twitter!]

As was saying, previous to interruption from Intern Bobby…

Players at Northwestern University is becoming first group to attempt to organize labor union, so this group can negotiate many benefits and protections for players.

NCAA is then suggesting special rules for “Power 5” conferences, so that these big-time schools can purchase more luxuries for athletes, so these players are feeling more special to football players at smaller programs. Is simple bribe.

University officials and NCAA are afraid when workers is organizing. Is meaning fewer rubles for pockets of top officials. Current system is very good for athletic director and NCAA bol’shaya shiska! When proletariat is taking back power, this is revolution, and is always meaning trouble for former, how do you say… “top dog”?

History of college football under NCAA is history of oppression! NCAA says it is boss of conferences. Conference says it is boss of member schools. School says it is boss of football coaches. Coach says he is boss of players. NYET! True power is down there, at lowest level! If basement level of apartment tower block is wanting to shake in Russian Far East earthquake, then every floor of apartment tower block is also shaking!

To see future of American college football, you are only having to look in history book of past. What is happening if all American college football player is going on general strike? No football playing on Saturday? In certain sectors, such as Alabama SSR or Texas SSR, this is leading to violent uprising, perhaps even attempt to overthrow government!

Humble potato is good food. Is similar shape to American football.

Humble potato is good food. Is similar shape to American football.

That is why here, exclusive to Commie Football, is simple NCAA-proposal for solution of union rules for all college football players. Is good solution, because is addressing critical problem of hungry athletes:

  1. If player name/image is being embroidered into banner, babushka, or decorative wall hanging – player is earning one potato.
  2. If player name/image is being used by university for promotion of football games or university propaganda – player is earning two potatoes.
  3. If player name/image is being used in video entertainment game for lazy youths – player is earning three potatoes.
  4. If player name/image is being used as one figurine in souvenir Russian nesting doll, player is earning four potatoes.
  5. Players is collecting potatoes at end of season, to eat at ceremonial meal marking continuation of winter for many more weeks.
  6. If there is shortage of potatoes, best substitute is cabbage. Players will not notice difference.

Speaking of potato, I am almost forgetting to dig one for Bobby to eat for his next breakfast, in two days’ time.

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