Week Four: What is Wolverine?

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Michigan Wolverines football team is enjoying success since overthrow of previous administration by new Premier, Yakov Harbaugh.

Michigan Wolverines football collective is enjoying success since overthrow of previous administration by new Premier Coach, Yakov Harbaugh.

WHAT IS WOLVERINE?

Is small animal, like a barsuk, but terribly ferocious. It is also nickname of University of Michigan SSR sports collective! This team is surprise rising to #1 Top Power rank following 31-5 victory over inferior Air Force Falcons in Week Four of Commie Football season. Wolverines is replacing Bulldogs of Georgia, who is being pushed away from food trough like mere runt puppy, losing 36-19 to California Golden Bears (who by way is also yet unbeaten and rising to #4 Top Power rank).

Da, is much upheaval in Top Power Rankings! All five of top teams – Georgia, West Virginia, Florida State, UCLA, and Ole Miss – is losing in Week Four, creating opportunity for new teams to rise, like delicious Russian black bread. One-third of season is complete, and only nine teams is yet undefeated. Only nine! Is proof that superior Commie Football schedule matrix, with no easy, early-season cupcake games, is best competition to determine true strength of all American college football teams!

In Week Four, every team in country is playing similar strength opponent from different District. Here is summary of important game results:

Finally, Yale won a game, if you can believe it. Took down Western Michigan 27-21. WMU was a Tier 2 playoff team last year, so that’s pretty huge. Georgy’s all like (in his dumb accent), “But WMU is yet winless. Is rank only #94 of Tier 2. Is terrible team.” All I could think about was how much I want to put my fist through his fotch. A win. Is a win. Is a WIN! Why can’t he just let me enjoy it, you know?
Speaking of “ocean of red tears” (which, if you are, means you’re Georgy talking about how Western Kentucky was “only millimeter close” to winning the Tier 2 championship last year, blah blah), earlier this week Georgy had me go down to one of the subterranean storage chambers to fetch some more bleach, because we had to wash out one of the abattoir zones (long story). The light bulb was like, burned out or something, and so it was just this dim, blue emergency lighting – super dark. I grab this bottle of what I think is bleach, and start back up the steps but I totally slip on the top stair (I’ve told Georgy about it like, 50 times, but of course he hasn’t dealt with it) and I kind of fall but try to catch myself with the big bottle. It like, slams down on the floor in front of me and the top flies off, and this noxious cloud like, explodes all in my eyes and face. And it started stinging. Like, *really* bad. But the good news is I got out of work for like, almost a week until my chemical burns healed and my eyesight started coming back. Score!

  • District 1: Plucky Temple Owls (3-1, #13 rank) is defeating Fighting Irish (3-1, #18) 22-14 in tremendous upset victory; this is creating three-way tie at top of North division after Rutgers (3-1, #24) is losing 19-17 to Nebraska Cornhuskers and UConn (3-1) is losing 22-13 to Fighting Illini; Penn State (3-1, #23) is catching WVU at top of South division after defeating old enemy from midwest, Wisconsin Badgers, by score 15-10.
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (3-1) is now tied with Virginia Tech at top of East division following  28-7 victory vs. Nevada Wolf Pack; in West division, loss of Georgia Bulldogs (3-1, #11) is allowing Gamecocks of South Carolina and surprise Appalachian State, who is new Tier 1 team defeating Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii 36-13, to tie at top of standings.
  • District 3: Wolverines (4-0, #1 rank) is already enjoying two-game lead on key rivals Michigan State and Ohio State (both 2-2 and losing this week); in South division, Memphis Tigers (3-1) is alone at top after 40-17 upset victory vs. Arizona Wildcats.
  • District 4: Surprise South Florida Bulls (3-1) is tying FSU in lead of East division following 28-24 USF victory vs. winless Tulsa; after terrible, confusing 2014 season, Alabama Crimson Tide (3-1) is returning to winning ways, crushing winless Texas State 59-14 to tie Ole Miss and LSU at top of West division standings.
  • District 5: Unbeaten Northwestern Wildcats is climbing to #2 Top Power rank after decisive 36-12 victory over #2 team from last week, WVU; in South division, is war looming due to simultaneous undefeated 4-0 records of Mizzou (#3 rank), Kansas State Wildcats (#5), and Iowa Hawkeyes (#8).
  • District 6: Is collision of four teams at top of North division! Oklahoma State (3-1, #10 rank) is throwing lasso around LSU in 40-18 surprise victory; Razorbacks of Arkansas (3-1) is ruining Hotty Toddy drinking of Ole Miss (3-1, #14) in 31-15 win; Sooners of Oklahoma (3-1, #21) is reliving past glories in 39-23 victory over Miami Hurricanes; TCU Horned Frogs (3-1, #17) is hopping all over Florida State (3-1, #12), winning 33-15; meanwhile, in South division, unbeaten Texas A&M (4-0, #9) is proving superiority over Mississippi State in 30-17 victory.
  • District 7: Boise State (3-1, #16 rank) is beating Louisville 34-10 to take command of North division; defending champion Buckeyes (2-2) is looking only mediocre in 33-28 loss to Arizona State Sun Devils (2-2), who is tied with four other teams to lead weak South division.
  • District 8: Washington Huskies (4-0, #7 rank) is yet unbeaten, defeating NC State 23-15 to keep pace with Cal Golden Bears (4-0, #4) at top of North division; unbeaten Stanford (4-0, #6 rank) is victorious vs. tough Clemson, winning 39-20 and taking lead in South after 35-30 UCLA loss to Georgia Tech; what the quack is happened to Oregon? One-time mighty Ducks (0-4) is losing 37-32 to East Carolina.

TIER 2: BIG RED IS RETURN ANGRY

WKUFor Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, 2014 season is ending in ocean of red tears, when WKU is losing Tier 2 championship game by only three points to Colorado State Rams. Is millimeter close! Then in offseason, is combining insult and injuries when Hilltoppers is being denied promotion to Tier 1 level, instead watching CSU and three other teams with inferior record receive this great honor.

How can Big Red avenge this insult? Is only one way – for WKU to destroy all opponents on 2015 schedule and capture Tier 2 championship! So far, plan is working – in Week Four, WKU (4-0) is unleashing destruction on Huskies of Northern Illinois, winning by outrageous score of 64-12 to claim #1 Top Power ranking on Tier 2 level. Remember, NIU is Tier 1 level team only last season (now on Tier 2 due to relegation).

Perhaps at end of undefeated season, Tier 1 is finally taking notice of Western Kentucky and sending proper invitation for promotion.

Is similar situation to when popular people is not inviting you to fun party. Instead of cry alone in cold basement bathing area, is best you are demonstrating rage, cutting wide path of destruction with fists and bayonet, to prove strength and make entire world fearful. Next party, you receive invitation.

2 thoughts on “Week Four: What is Wolverine?

    • In original plot of this film, Soviet army is easy hunting and capturing Wolverines teen terror group. Many is unskilled soldier, killed in gun battle. Surviving rebels is sentenced to life in Siberian gulag. Fiction “Hollywood” ending is changing to sell ticket, Coca-Cola, and popping corn with much butter to fat, lazy American audience. If you are true Jed Swayze, how is you are escape from gulag?

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