Ded Moroz is Coming to Town

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Here is chamber where Intern Kyle is staying until interrogation is complete.

Here is chamber where Intern Kyle is staying until interrogation is complete. Bobby is wanting to decorate, so I am allowing wooden statue of Ded Moroz to stand as funny “guard” of prison. But Bobby is placing too close, and Kyle is taking wooden scepter of statue and picking lock to escape.

Is Orthodox Christmas day. As gift, I am waking Intern Kyle from deep hyperbaric sleep and giving opportunity to complete test of loyalty, to defend self against suspicion as secret double-agent.

WAKING

Was very difficult to wake and remove Intern Kyle from hyperbaric sleep chamber. Bobby is making accident and giving too much dose of pure oxygen, including also unique mixture of chemical gas, of my own invention. Is causing Kyle to sleep for many days more than original plan of one week. I am using Soviet supercomputer to discover new method of waking from deep hyperbaric sleep, but is taking one week, additional time, due to much frustrating, glitching connection to Internet.

Ded Moroz

Here is close photo of Ded Moroz, who is Russian Father of Christmas, wearing blue costume instead of red. Bobby is carving this statue from piece of old firewood as Orthodox Christmas present. Paint is little bit sloppy.

Uuuhggh.  I don’t FEEL goood. Not… sure what’s going on. Or where… am I in Russia… er…? Grwh…– <snores>

During this long wait, Bobby is wanting to decorate interrogation chamber for Orthodox Christmas. I am allowing him to place wooden statue he is carving with bayonet of Ded Moroz, who is Russian Father of Christmas. Is similar to American Santa of Klaus, but is wearing blue costume instead of red.

ESCAPE!

Kyle is waking in interrogation chamber during middle of night, and is then reaching out of prison cell and removing wooden scepter from hand of Ded Moroz statue. Kyle is then picking lock and making escape.

When I am waking in morning, I am finding Kyle in deep sleep inside food chamber, with many frozen loaf of rye breads. Bobby is helping to load sleeping body into tachka, and we are returning Kyle to interrogation chamber, where he is again waking.

THE TEST

Then, I am giving to Kyle important test. I am asking him to name, from own memory, each qualifying playoff team on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels for 2015 Commie Football season.

In addition to pass test, Kyle is having to say each team record and Top Power rank, and first round opponent, which is District Championship games.

Here is what Intern Kyle is saying is schedule for Round 1, next week:

TIER 1

  • District 1: Connecticut (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia (8-4, #21)
  • District 2: Duke (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson (9-3, #13)
  • District 3: Michigan (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis (8-4, #26)
  • District 4: South Florida (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss (9-3, #7)
  • District 5: Notre Dame (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa (11-1, #2)
  • District 6: Oklahoma (11-1, #1) vs. Houston (8-4, #23)
  • District 7: Utah (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force (8-4, #29)
  • District 8: Washington (9-3, #9) vs. USC (9-3, #6)

TIER 2

  • District 1: Yale (4-8, #78) vs. Villanova (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: James Madison (10-2, #7) vs. North Carolina A&T (9-3, #12)
  • District 3: South Carolina State (8-4, #27) vs. Georgia Southern (11-1, #3)
  • District 4: Western Kentucky (11-1, #1) vs. Southern Miss (11-1, #2)
  • District 5: Toledo (10-2, #5) vs. Akron (8-4, #28)
  • District 6: South Dakota State (8-4, #26) vs. Southern Illinois (9-3, #15)
  • District 7: Tulane (8-4, #22) vs. McNeese State (11-1, #4)
  • District 8: Wyoming (9-3, #13) vs. San Jose State (10-2, #6)

As you read now, is many intriguing matchups, from every region of country. Is true, best system to determine champion for all fans of American college football.

THE VERDICT

But as you also read, Kyle is making one mistake. He is saying “Yale Bulldogs” as representative of Tier 2/District 1 (North Division). This is incorrect. Is Harvard Crimson (9-3, #9) who is true making to Tier 2/District 1 Championship game!

I am saying to Kyle, “You are still asleep, dreaming.” Then I am marching to chamber door, turning out chamber light, and slamming door shut (which is automatic locking)!

LATER

Then, after many minutes, perhaps one hour, I am realizing that I am accident locking Bobby into chamber with Intern Kyle. But is very late. Is probably okay….

Introducing of Intern Kyle

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Here is photograph representation of Intern Kyle.

Here is photograph representation of Intern Kyle.

Following two-week journey by foot and small boat through dangerous taiga, I am meeting new intern at designated rendezvous location. On equally treacherous return journey, I am learning that new intern is nothing like previous Intern Bobby. Name of new intern is Kyle. I will refer to as “Intern Kyle”. You are seeing photo.

Wait. What is this? You are wondering where is Intern Bobby?

Da, Intern Bobby is yet also here. Is more strange situation, every day. After accident with Soviet attack helicopter, and rapid recovery due to experimental medical procedure over short Russian summer, Bobby is finally emerging from bed chamber and returning to old ways. Is meaning – Bobby is eating all of food storage and spending too much time in hot tub. When I am asking Bobby for help in chopping branches from trees for firewood, he is then complaining of sore arms and legs from missile attack, and saying he must rest more in bed chamber.

Report of Staff Member BobbySo, not gonna lie – I don’t remember a whole lot of what’s happened the past few… days? weeks? months? Apparently a Soviet gunship fired missiles at me? All I know is this – I wake up, back in my same old sleeping chamber, it smells horrible, and I’ve got like, IV tubes and wires and bleeps and bloops all over the place, Georgy’s nowhere to be found, I untangle myself and wander into the food storage chamber, and WOW – the kaisha tastes SOOOO GOOOD. I mean, like CRACKROCK good, you know? Took me awhile, but I finally figured out how to stream Netflix through the satellite feed machine, or whatever. Catching up with some old “Friends” – hehe! Of course, now Georgy’s back and he’s got this “Kyle” dude in tow, who’s all like, muscle-y and grunt-grunt-football-ugh. And from Yale, of course. Blegh. Oh, and Georgy says I’ve been kicked out of Harvard or something? He’s so difficult to understand sometimes. Anyway, now he says I owe him “rubles” to cover my healthcare costs, so I’m staying on for a little bit longer as a “member of staff” until I work down my debt. Uh… yay?

Spent the first few days of the internship hiking and hunting wild game. No big deal, really. I mean, I did Outward Bound. I survived two-a-days with Coach Reno. This was pretty easy, except for the night when this giant trout came flying out of the water, knocked Georgy overboard, and I had to hang on to him one-handed AND keep the canoe from overturning. Those were at least Class IV rapids, in the dark. I’d say the hardest part so far was making it to headquarters and finding this skinny-neck Harvard dude here, all doped up on painkillers and spacing in the hot tub. Typical Crimson. Georgy seems like a good boss, though. Took that fish to the jaw like a champ. Can’t understand what he’s saying all the time, but you get the gist.

DIFFICULT SEARCH FOR NEW INTERN

With return of Bobby’s health, I am deciding to make long distance telephone communication with officials at Harvard University in Massachusetts SSR, to discuss situation (also because paperwork to obtain new intern is confusing, and FAQ on Harvard website is useless!). This is when I am learning there is no student with exact name of Bobby in school enrollment record. Crimson official is making claim that Bobby was expected for campus return this past January, but is making stupid mistake to think internship is for full academic year – two semesters instead of one. For this reason, he is expelled from university.

Is outrage! How can supposed prestigious American university of Harvard send inferior, glupyy student for internship? In anger, I am slicing cord on telephone with nearby bayonet.

Then, I am using shortwave radio to make secret contact with sworn enemy of Harvard, University of Yale in Connecticut SSR. There, I am finding perfect intern candidate who is recent member of Yale football team roster. Due to weightlifting injury during springtime training regimen, Intern Kyle is ineligible for playing this upcoming season, instead receiving “red shirt” designation. This “red shirt” is sounding like very good qualification for Commie Football internship, da?

Is easy to see why Kyle is coming from University of Yale – he is looking much like Yale bulldog mascot. Is perhaps short of height little bit, but is having very thick neck and strong arms. Is good for manual labor, less fragile than Intern Bobby. Also hopeful stronger brain, as well.

Already, new Intern Kyle is asking to hunt and kill wild indeyka, to prove worth. I am telling him, “You must have patience, like Soviet sniper at Battle of Stalingrad.”

BOBBY IS DAMAGING SATELLITE FEED

While I am gone for two weeks to retrieve new intern, Bobby is also playing with critical satellite communication equipment, like video game toy! Now, satellite feed is becoming stuck, playing endless loop of idiot American television program, with title “Friends.” Theme song is digging inside head, like KGB torture!

As simple first task, I am asking Intern Kyle to fix satellite feed. I will assign this task after I am finding out conclusion of story, if Ross and Rashel is finding true love. Is seeming impossible at this moment.

Ticket is for Only One Way

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promotion-relegation-tiers-trains

Advanced promotion & relegation system of Commie Football is making certain every team is assigned to proper Tier.

Last week, website is giving details of Tier 1 promotion and relegation for 2014 football season. Is good day for Memphis, UTSA, and Hawaii – but not-so-good day for Louisiana-Monroe, Toledo, and San Jose State.

Same joy/pain is also to feeling on Tier 2, Tier 3, and Tier 4. You are maybe thinking – “Tier 3? Tier 4?! Why is no detail of these Tiers on Commie Football website?” Is good question. Commie Football system is rethinking all of American college football from top to bottom, but Soviet supercomputer is only calculating scores for top two Tiers at present time. Is yet early part of five-year plan. Data for lower Tiers is classified. Men will gladly die to protect. But for purpose of proper calculation, is critical to know every Tier of all college football teams.

You are remembering that promotion/relegation is being decided by combination of Top Power rank and attendance average for home games. After running calculation, it is decided that three teams are to be promoted up to Tier 2 for 2014 season:

  • Georgia State Panthers
  • Yale Bulldogs
  • Charlotte 49ers (is actually moving up from Tier 4!)

And so is sad part – here is three teams who are to be relegated from Tier 2 to Tier 3:

  • Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions (2-10, District 6)
  • Murray State Racers (3-9, District 4)
  • Indiana State Sycamores (3-9, District 5)

Note: Is some teams, like Southern Utah Thunderbirds, who is having very low attendance and is seeming to be destiny for relegation to Tier 3. But, because team is finishing with 6-6 record, this team is not eligible for relegation. Only teams with losing record can be making relegation.

Finally, at lowest levels of American college football – here are teams moving up to Tier 3 from Tier 4:

  • Brevard Tornados
  • Florida Tech Panthers
  • Houston Baptist Huskies
  • Lane Dragons
  • Mercer Bears
  • Minnesota-Moorhead Dragons
  • Saint Joseph’s Pumas
  • South Dakota Mines Hardrockers
  • Stetson Hatters – Note: Is very funny nickname.
  • Stillman Tigers

And here are teams now moving down from Tier 3 to Tier 4:

  • Bentley Falcons
  • Black Hills State Yellow Jackets
  • Lake Erie Storm
  • Livingstone Blue Bears
  • Millersville Marauders
  • New Mexico Highlands Cowboys
  • Northwood Timberwolves
  • Notre Dame (OH) Falcons
  • Southwest Baptist Bearcats
  • Tiffin Dragons
  • Western Oregon Wolves

WHAT IS NEXT? WHAT IS NEXT.

Next during college football off-season is geographic realignment of divisions, based on new teams moving between Tiers in promotion/relegation. Then, is new schedule for 2014 season.

Ура!