Is Beginning To Look Very Much Like Orthodox Christmas

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Is Russian folk legend of "Karl Marx Klaus," who is flying in red jumpsuit on R-5 Pobeda ballistic missile to every home of Russian child on Orthodox Christmas Eve. There, he is leaving small gift for good child, and taking naughty child to work in Kuznetsk coal mine.

Is Russian folk legend of “Karl Marx Klaus,” who is flying in red jumpsuit on R-5 Pobeda ballistic missile to every home of Russian child on Orthodox Christmas Eve. There, he is leaving small gift for good child, and taking naughty child to work in Kuznetsk coal mine.

Is today Orthodox Christmas Day. Intern Bobby is snuggling in warm hyperbaric sleep chamber, where I am awaking from long, nearly one-fortnight hibernation only yesterday, one or two days earlier than plan. This is because Bobby is puncturing chamber wall with old bayonet. And why? He is becoming panic when food storage unit is running low on Ukrainian walnut butter!

With puncture, super-rich oxygen gas is escaping sleep chamber with sudden force. Bobby is falling and hitting head on metal pipe, opening small wound. Sight of own blood is then causing Bobby to faint, falling forward and smashing face on other small faucet, breaking front tooth. After, I am performing dental surgery, using vodka-drenched serviette for anesthesia.

Now, Bobby is resting with comfort in chamber. Is my gift to him for Orthodox Christmas.

Intern Bobby is very proud to carve wooden footballs as gift to me this Orthodox Christmas. One is burning in fire, and other is crushing wild wolf skull during attack.

Intern Bobby is very proud to carve wooden footballs as gift to me this Orthodox Christmas. One is burning in fire, and other is crushing wild wolf skull during attack.

For gift to me, Bobby is giving hand-carved wooden footballs (see photo). Is being very thoughtful gift, but is unfortunate, because when I am gathering wood for primary furnace, first football is with accident rolling into white-hot furnace oven. Is impossible to save. Then, when I am hiking into snowy forest to chop more trees for wood, I am having to throw second wooden football in defense against large pack of angry, wild wolves and yenot.

But enough of friendly talk about holiday, because…

LONG, COLD WAIT IS OVER (ALMOST)

Commie Football playoffs is beginning next week. Here is review of playoff teams on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels. First round is District Championship game:

TIER 1

  • District 1: Temple (10-2, #9) vs. Penn State (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: East Carolina (9-3, #16) vs. Tennessee (9-3, #18)
  • District 3: Notre Dame (11-1, #1) vs. Ohio State (10-2, #4)
  • District 4: Florida State (10-2, #5) vs. Ole Miss (10-2, #6)
  • District 5: Wisconsin (8-4, #22) vs. Iowa (8-4, unranked)
  • District 6: Arkansas (10-2, #7) vs. TCU (10-2, #3)
  • District 7: Oklahoma (8-4, #25) vs. BYU (8-4, #23)
  • District 8: Oregon (10-2, #2) vs. USC (10-2, #8)

TIER 2

  • District 1: UMass (9-3, #11) vs. Villanova (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: Richmond (8-4, unranked) vs. Appalachian State (10-2, #7)
  • District 3: Coastal Carolina (8-4, #24) vs. Georgia Southern (11-1, #3)
  • District 4: Samford (10-2, #8) vs. Tulane (7-5, unranked)
  • District 5: Western Michigan (12-0, #1) vs. Western Kentucky (10-2, #5)
  • District 6: Northern Iowa (9-3, #17) vs. Illinois State (10-2, #6)
  • District 7: Stephen F. Austin (8-4, unranked) vs. Texas State (10-2, #4)
  • District 8: Colorado State (11-1, #2) vs. UNLV (9-3, #15)

Results of only true, fair college football playoff games will post here in one week’s time. I am hoping Intern Bobby is waking before then, because furnace will require additional firewood from forest, and is his turn to face rabid wolves and yenot.

May Condoleezza Be With You

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Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking when I am seeing vision of Condi in blizzard.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking at same time I am seeing vision of Condi in blizzard.

Is difficult week. During severe blizzard, pack of rabid yenot (Intern Bobby is saying this is like American raccoon) is again attacking Commie Football headquarter in try to kill, maybe eat Bobby. Attack is also damaging steam-power server and many critical equipment for running website.

Many is meeting death by bayonet, but is too many yenot. One night, hungry creature is chewing through petrol line, causing fire. I am instructing Bobby to rescue computer equipment and critical electronic files, but he is running to hide in latrine. For this reason, headquarter shack is burning to ground, like 1812 Fire of Moscow. Is good luck for Bobby I am rescuing few computer equipment, bayonets, and provision for long journey on feet through cold forest to secret, secondary headquarter. For critical electronic files, is lucky I am using storage/backup solution in Internet cloud.

Is taking three days to make journey in deep snow. I am giving extra food to Bobby. If intern is dying during internship, is possible for many legal troubles. While carrying 40 kilo in equipment, I am falling into crevasse, injuring leg and lower back. Am using Ethernet cable as rope and harness for lift out myself. Then, I am seeing Bobby is having bad shivers, so I am giving extra clothing. For this reason, I am later having frost-biting and needing to remove dead, gangrene skin from lower leg, with bayonet.

Later same day, I am asking Bobby for small drink of vodka to make warm inside stomach. He is instead giving me jar of petrol. Is saying “by accident.” On next day, I am seeing many strange vision. Most vivid vision is Condoleezza Rice (see photograph above), who is saying to me that secondary base is in slight different direction. Condi is also reading Manifesto, and is agreeing Commie Football is superior system to unfair College Football Playoff, and is making secret plan: as CFP committee member, Condi is using lethal combination of superior intellect, diplomatic expertise, and classical piano playing to agitate for 16-team playoff system. I am explaining of additional necessary reforms to college football schedule and organization, but Condi is not listen. Instead is playing beautiful piano medley of music by greatest composers of all times, Tchaikovsky and Rachmaninoff. Condi is like angel….

But pleasant experience is ending sudden, when Bobby is loud falling on rucksack containing metal items and many jars of glass. Is including fresh water for drinking, waste water to prevent wolves from tracking smell, and last of petrol. Great noise and foul odor is attracting attention of nearby wolf pack.

Hot tub

Intern Bobby here. I flipped the lights on in this chamber and I was all like, whaaaaaaaa? Can you say “goryachaya vanna”?

But with help of Condi vision, we are soon near location of hidden trap door to new Commie Football headquarter. Is difficult to find during great blizzard storm, but Bobby is helping with discovery when falling three meters through rusted ventilation cover into privy chamber.

SURRENDER? OCHEN’ NYET!

Because fire disaster is in December, after end of regular season, is yet much time to make total recovery before Commie Football playoffs is beginning in January.

Furnace at new headquarter is frozen. I am ordering Bobby to chisel ice, dig fresh coal from small mining chamber, and build fire in oven of furnace.

But first, lazy Intern Bobby is having to halt current activity – endless feast of emergency food supplies from cold storage chamber and making loud singing in hot tub!

Week 11: Is Resurrection of Ole Miss

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Holy legend of Mississippi SSR is telling of resurrection of Rebels leader Colonel Reb.

Popular legend in Mississippi SSR is telling of resurrection of holy figure Colonel Reb, after one fortnight of capture, torture, dismemberment, and ritual burial in city of Memphis, Tennessee SSR. Many modern Soviet scholars is thinking this is perhaps local folk tale confused with American legend of Elvis, who is also from city of Memphis and is not truly dead, instead living life of luxury outside Moscow.

Reign of Buckeye nut is lasting only short as reign of Fighting Irish! After 27-22 upset loss in Week 11 to old rival Penn State (8-3, #17 rank), Ohio State (9-2, #6) is dropping like common hazelnut from #1 Top Power rank down to #6.

This is clearing way for return of Ole Miss Rebels (10-1) to top ranking. You are remembering only two short weeks prior, Rebels is suffering embarrassing upset loss to Memphis Tigers. But since this dark day, Ole Miss is winning two difficult games: 18-17 vs. FSU (9-2, #7) and most important, with 25-6 victory vs. LSU (6-5) in Week 11, Ole Miss is clinching playoff spot in difficult District 4 West (see Playoff Tracker below).

With only one week remaining in regular season, is still 8 of 16 playoff spots up for grabbing! Here is good look at hot playoff races:

TIER 1 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:TEMP vs. South Champ
District 2:ECU vs. South Champ
District 3:ND vs. OHSU
District 4:East Champ vs. MISS
District 5:WISC vs. South Champ
District 6:ARK vs. West Champ
District 7:South Champ
vs. North Champ
District 8:North Champ vs.
USC
  • District 1 is having reputation for weakness, and here is why. Having already clinched North division, Temple Owls (9-2, #12 rank) is now playing like lenivyy American “slacker” from early 1990s, losing 22-13 to Bulls of USF (5-6). In South division, West Virginia (9-2, #13) is also making mess, losing 35-21 to little brother Marshall Thundering Herd (5-6) in annual Druz’ya of Coal Bowl rivalry game. If Mountaineers is losing final game of season to feisty Terps (5-6), and Penn State (8-3, #17 rank) is beating Navy (2-9), Nittany Lions is then winning division and playoff spot!
  • District 2: East Carolina (8-3, #20) is finally waking up and winning North division, with 75-33 destruction of Army (3-8). In South division, Georgia (9-2, #8) is defeating old nemesis Florida Gators 29-13, while Tennessee (8-3, #22) is making spit on Vanderbilt, 45-14. Bulldogs and Vols meet in Week 12 with division title and playoff spot on line!
  • District 3: What is stronger: angry small leprechaun or hard-shell of buckeye nut? Football fans is finding out in January, when division winners Notre Dame (10-1, #3) and Ohio State (9-2, #6) is competing in District 3 Championship game.
  • District 4: Ole Miss (10-1, #1) victory over LSU is clinching West division title. This is making for “anticlimax” final game of season vs. rival Mississippi State (8-3, #19). In East division, Auburn (9-2, #11) is blowing chance to clinch title after losing 30-13 to archrival Crimson Tide (3-8) in annual Iron Bowl rival game. Alabama is perhaps biggest mystery of 2014 Commie Football season! Now there is opportunity for defending 2013 champion Seminoles of Florida State (9-2, #7), who is beating Boston College 29-24, to steal division and playoff spot because Tigers and Seminoles meet in final week of season to decide fate!
  • District 5: In North division, Northwestern (7-4) is losing 39-29 to Michigan State (7-4), and Minnesota is losing 31-19 to Iowa (7-4). Is important, because with 41-19 victory over Michigan Wolverines, Badgers of Wisconsin (8-3, #15) is now clinching division and playoff spot! In South division, Nebraska (7-4) is blowing opportunity in 44-33 loss to lowly Colorado (2-9), allowing Hawkeyes and Mizzou (7-4) to catch in standings. Cornhuskers and Missouri meet next week, with Huskers in control of destiny. Tigers is needing win plus Iowa loss to Iowa State (1-10) to make playoffs.
  • District 6: East division champ Arkansas Razorbacks (9-2, #10) is giving 46-8 noogie to little brother Red Wolves of Arkansas State (3-8). In West division, TCU (9-2, #4) is beating BYU 40-25, and can win division with victory next week vs. once-mighty Texas Longhorns (6-5). Texas A&M (9-2, #9) is surviving Texas Tech 35-32, but is needing TCU loss plus victory over feared Baylor Bears (8-3, #16) in final week for playoff berth. Baylor cannot win division due to Week 7 loss to Horned Frogs.
  • District 7: Boise State (8-3, #21) is beating Arizona Wildcats (7-4) 32-28, but must face BYU (7-4) in final game for North division crown. In South division, Oklahoma (7-4) is losing annual Red River Showdown game, 29-24 to Longhorns, making three-way tie with Arizona and Arizona State Sun Devils (all 7-4). Sooners is having head-to-head advantage, but is facing other big rival Oklahoma State (5-6) in final game. Arizona is facing Tulsa (4-7), and ASU is facing Texas Tech (3-8).
  • District 8: California (8-3, #18) is losing 36-28 to UCLA (8-3, #14) and blowing head-to-head advantage over Oregon Ducks (9-2, #5), who is beating Stanford (7-4, #25) 29-21. Oregon is now clinching North division with Week 12 victory over Washington Huskies (6-5), or loss by Golden Bears to Wazzou (4-7). This week, South division champ USC Trojans (10-1) is beating Washington 33-28 and moving up to #2 Top Power rank.

TIER 2: SEASON IS YET PERFECT FOR WESTERN MICHIGAN

Western Michigan Broncos (11-0, #1) is last remaining unbeaten team in either Tier 1 or Tier 2, following 38-33 victory over Jackrabbits of South Dakota State (5-6). Here is look at more Tier 2 action, with only one game of regular season to play:

TIER 2 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:MASS vs.
NOVA
District 2:North Champ vs. APP
District 3:CCU vs.
GASO
District 4:SAM vs. South Champ
District 5:WMU vs. South Champ
District 6:North Champ vs. ILST
District 7:East Champ
vs. West Champ
District 8:CSU_2014 vs. South Champ
  • District 1: With 38-19 victory over Central Michigan Chippewas (4-7), UMass (9-2, #8) is now claiming North division and playoff spot. South division champ Villanova (8-3, #15) is playing like vacation week in 36-24 loss to Maine Black Bears (5-6).
  • District 2: Appalachian State (9-2, #11) is looking like champion, destroying top-ranked Georgia Southern (10-1, #3) 50-27 and claiming South division title! In North division, Richmond Spiders (7-4) is beating Charlotte 43-37 and is holding advantage over William & Mary (7-4), who is also winning 35-28 over Old Dominion. Final week will determine fate!
  • District 3: Perfect season for Georgia Southern (10-1, #3) is now sad, crushed dream. But will still play in January! District 3 Championship is set vs. Chanticleers of Coastal Carolina (8-3, #20), who is also looking like loser this week, falling 26-24 to North Carolina Central (4-7).
  • District 4: North division champ Samford (10-1, #4) is beating Citadel (3-8) 20-17.  In South, is confusion! Tulane (6-5) is losing to ULM Warhawks (7-4, #22) 37-15. South Alabama (6-5) is losing 29-26 to FIU (7-4, #25). Meantime, Southern Miss (6-5) is beating FAU (6-5) 23-21, so now is three-way tie for division lead. Green Wave is having head-to-head advantage, but must beat Troy (4-7) next week. South Alabama is facing Southern (5-6) and Southern Miss is playing Jackson State (2-9). If all three lose, then Jacksonville State Gamecocks (7-4) will go to District 4 Championship game!
  • District 5: Unbeaten WMU (11-0, #1) is already claiming North division, but South division title is being decided next week when Toledo Rockets (9-2, #13) and Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (9-2, #10) is fighting in winner-take-all playoff glory cage match.
  • District 6: North division race will be decided next week, when Northern Iowa (8-3, #21) is meeting Leathernecks of Western Illinois (7-4) for division title and playoff invitation. WIU is needing to play football better than this week, when losing 52-25 to new South division champ Illinois State Redbirds (9-2, #7).
  • District 7is most interesting. In East division, Stephen F. Austin (7-4) is now losing incredible fourth game in row, this time 38-23 to Bobcats of Texas State (9-2, #9), allowing ULM (7-4, #22) to catch in standings. Can Warhawks steal division with victory vs. McNeese (3-8) next week?  In West division, is yet three-way tie heading into final week! UTEP (9-2, #6) and Texas State will fight to death, but the Lobos of New Mexico (9-2, #5) can take division with victory over rival NMSU (3-8) and loss by Miners to Bobcats.
  • District 8: In rematch of 2013 playoff game, North division champ Colorado State Rams (10-1, #2), in beautiful orange and green uniforms, is once again teaching North Dakota State who is best team, winning 34-30. All marbles of South division is depending on outcome of next game between UNLV (9-2, #17) and San Jose State (9-2, #19), who is losing this week in pathetic fashion, 21-8 to UTEP.

Is yet amazing 7 of 16 playoff tickets unclaimed on Tier 2 level!

Here is photo only now received in package, but is being made one month ago. Is showing Condoleezza reaction when asked about chance of favorite team, Stanford Cardinal, to make Commie Football playoffs.

Here is photo only now received in package, but is being made one month ago. Is showing Condoleezza reaction when asked question about chance of favorite team, Stanford Cardinal, to make Commie Football playoff.

IS CONDOLEEZZA LISTENING?

With great excitement of Commie Football playoff race, I am sometimes wondering if Tovarisch Condoleezza (and rest of College Football Playoff committee) is following with interest. I am especially brooding this late in night, after Intern Bobby is falling asleep by fire and entire world is feeling cold and lonesome.

All I am hearing is howl of cruel, winter wind. Also, I am hearing howl of wild wolves moving in circles around cabin, sometimes making try to scratch through thin wooden door. This is when I am having opportunity to thrust sharp metal pole through knotholes in wood, in attempt to kill wolf for fresh meat.