Week 12: In St. Boz, All of Sooner Nation is Trusting

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St. Boz

Many fans of Oklahoma Sooners is making prayer to holy painting of St. Boz before victory in final game of regular season over Tulsa Golden Hurricane.

REGULAR SEASON IS FINISH

Upon completion of exciting Week 12 schedule, 2015 Commie Football regular season is reaching conclusion. Every fan is now restless with anticipation for Commie Football playoff, when 16 teams is entering tournament to determine true champion of American college football.

Is seeming only short time ago when Buckeyes of Ohio State is defeating Oregon Ducks 42-20 for 2014 championship (da, final result is same as in CFP system). In final week of 2015 regular season, defending champion Ohio State (8-4, #17 rank) is demonstrating difficulty of championship repeat, as Buckeyes is falling to Michigan State Spartans (9-3, #11) by 34-29 score, which is cruel to both, as this result is handing District 3 North division title to hated Michigan Wolverines (9-3, #10)!

Commie Football is world in which superior organization and schedule is producing interesting, unexpected result! Entire realm of American college football can only guess who new, true champion will become!

In meanwhile, drama in District 6 is reaching resolution, as top-ranked Oklahoma Sooners (11-1, #1) is making fresh farsh of little brother Tulsa Golden Hurricane (3-9) in 63-22 victory, to claim North division title over Oklahoma State Cowboys (10-2, #4), and for this reward – an invitation to District 6 Championship game against South division champion, Houston Cougars (8-4, #23).

At this time, you are forgetting about 80 teams not making to playoffs. Teams is now dead, like Trotsky! Think as if these teams is never existing, like American sasquatch (this is not same as yeti of Siberia, which is true living there). Is never too many bowl games with losing-record teams and corporation sponsor named after fruit!

YOU ARE READY FOR TRUE, BEST PLAYOFF SYSTEM, DA?

In korrumpirovanny College Football Playoff system, true opportunity for championship glory is for four teams, only. Teams is winning popularity beauty contest, ruled by alluring Condoleezza Rice. Many is killing and dying in argument over who is 4th best team in country! In superior Commie Football playoff system, is 16 TEAMS in hunt for title! And best yet, because of system of geographic Districts, football fans in every corner of country is having nearby hound in championship hunt!

Here is quick review of Commie Football playoff:

  1. 16 teams (from each Tier) is making to Round 1. Division winners is facing other Division winner from same District in District Championship game.
  2. In Round 2, eight District Champions is playing one another in seeded, single-elimination tournament to determine new champion.
  3. Round 3, is four teams left.
  4. National Championship Game

Is best system to find true champion! All must travel difficult 16-game schedule (12 regular season, then four playoff rounds) to seek ultimate championship glory!

CONTENDERS FOR CHAMPIONSHIP GLORY

TIER 1 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:CONN vs. WVU
District 2:DUKE vs. CLEM
District 3:MICH vs.
MEMP
District 4:USF vs. MISS
District 5:ND vs.
IOWA
District 6:OKLA vs. UH
District 7:UTAH vs.
USAF
District 8:WASH vs. USC
Georgy told me I could say something about the Tier 1 playoffs, since Yale like, totally blew it on Tier 2 this season, and I stopped paying attention a while back (yeah, yeah – but I know they lost to Harvard this week, whatevs). I don’t really know what to say about Tier 1. I mean, at least UConn’s representing the same state, but who’s fooling who? Yale might even be able to beat UConn, looking at their offensive rating.

Here is information for which all college football fans is waiting with much patience. All Tier 1 division winner teams is traveling to District Championship Game (a.k.a. Round 1 of Commie Football playoffs):

  • District 1: Connecticut Huskies (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia Mountaineers (8-4, #21) – In weak District 1, mediocre 8-4 record is enough to win both division titles! UConn is previous defeating WVU 37-19 long time ago in Week Five, but is now lower in Top Power ranking, with very bad 71st rank offense! But, is ferocious 3rd rank defense carrying Huskies into playoffs. WVU is flying below national radar, like MiG fighter jet, but is ending season with 4-game win streak, including high-pressure final week 43-11 defeat of Penn State (7-5) to seize division!
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson Tigers (9-3, #13) – Duke is winning final two games of regular season to remain one step ahead of North Carolina Tar Heels (8-4, #18) in standings, despite mediocre, 51st rank offense. Who is responsible for Blue Devils most recent loss? Why, is Clemson in Week Ten! Tigers is also possessing unexciting offense (47th) and defense (27th) output, but is playing overall more difficult schedule than Duke, requiring three victories at end of season to remain ahead of surprise sweetheart of America team, Appalachian State (8-4, #30)!
  • District 3: Michigan Wolverines (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis Tigers (8-4, #26) – Wolverines was #1 Top Power rank team for two weeks consecutive early in season, but is then making stumbles, including losses to Indiana Hoosiers (7-5), Ohio State (8-4), and opponent in championship, Memphis Tigers in Week Six. Tigers is clinching weak South division early on strength of lightning, 9th rank offense, despite strange losses to weak teams such as Vanderbilt (5-7) and Louisiana Tech (5-7).
  • District 4: South Florida Bulls (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss Rebels (9-3, #7) – Miracle USF is perhaps most surprise team of season. With good-enough offense (25th) and strong defense (10th), Bulls is going 4-1 in loaded East division, losing only to Florida State (8-4, #15) in entire District! This is including Week Ten victory over Ole Miss, who is making return appearance to playoffs. Defense (24th) is perhaps not as good as last season, but offense (16th) is making pleasant humming sound, winning division on strength of Week Two victory over Crimson Tide of Alabama (9-3, #8).
  • District 5: Notre Dame Fighting Irish (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa Hawkeyes (11-1, #2) – First season in new district is lucky for Irish, who is falling no lower than #18 Top Power rank during entire season, clinching division early so that 35-28 loss to Wisconsin Badgers (8-4, #16) in final game of season is of no importance. Good balance of offense (17th) and defense (15th), and very difficult schedule is making Irish true contender. Hawkeyes is making return to playoffs, this time as top contender with very strong defense (5th), losing only one game in Week Five to… uh oh, it was to Irish!
  • District 6: Oklahoma Sooners (11-1, #1) vs. Houston Cougars (8-4, #23) – Sooners is making return appearance to playoffs, but from different District. Top-rank offense is ensuring many victories with 46 points/game on average. Only loss is in Week Two to “Bedlam” rival Oklahoma State (10-2, #4), who is sad staying home. Houston is losing first two games of season, then exploding with 6th rank offense to win four games in division, including Baylor Bears (7-5). Close Week Ten loss to Oklahoma is giving Cougars hope of victory on second attempt!
  • District 7: Utah Utes (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force Falcons (8-4, #29) – 12th rank defense of Utah is smothering opponents as Utah is winning final five games of season. But this is first meeting of season with Air Force, who is surprise champion of weak South division, playing steady for most part except in embarrassing 71-31 loss to Texas Tech (5-7) in final game of season. How is this score possible for playoff team?
  • District 8: Washington Huskies (9-3, #9) vs. USC Trojans (9-3, #6) – Huskies is having very powerful offense (13th) and defense (11th), defeating USC in Week Six, but then experiencing strange mid-season spell of losing immediately after. Trojans is requiring dramatic final week victory over Stanford Cardinal (8-4, #19) to take South division and return to playoffs.

Later in week is official revealing of all 16 Tier 2 playoff teams. (In meantime, here is hint – Week 12 standings, scoreboard, and Top Power rankings is providing necessary information to know ultimate fate of Tier 2 regular season and playoff lineup. Please keep as secret.)

Week 11: All Oklahoma SSR is Holding Breath

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Fans in Oklahoma SSR is racing to purchase ticket for college football playoff game, but is yet uncertain which team is to represent District 6 North division.

Fans in Oklahoma SSR is racing to purchase ticket for college football playoff game, but is yet uncertain which team is to represent District 6 North division.

WILL #1 RANK TEAM OF AMERICAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL NOT MAKE TO PLAYOFF?

TIER 1 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:CONN vs. South Champ
District 2:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 3:North Champ vs.
MEMP
District 4:USF vs. West Champ
District 5:ND vs.
IOWA
District 6:North Champ
vs. UH
District 7:UTAH vs.
USAF
District 8:WASH vs. South Champ

Is mere one game remain in 2015 Commie Football regular season, but is yet seven empty spaces on Commie Football Tier 1 playoff tracker! Following Week 11 games, six additional teams is now qualifying for Tier 1 playoffs: UConn Huskies, South Florida Bulls, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, Houston Cougars, Utah Utes, and Washington Huskies. You remember, first round of playoffs is eight District Championship games – one division winner is playing other division winner from same District.

Eight “District Champions” is then competing in seeded playoff tournament. Is much better system than NCAA, where mere handful of teams is having true, legitimate opportunity for playing in minuscule, four-team College Football Playoff! Is idiot solution.

But there is yet strange situation in District 6. Last week, Oklahoma Sooners is becoming #1 Top Power rank team in country, according to Soviet supercomputer. Close rival Oklahoma State Cowboys is then #2 Top Power rank, but is ahead of OU in District 6 North division standings, due to OSU victory over OU in Week Two.

Tension in Oklahoma SSR is reaching all-time high! Could #1 Top Power rank team in nation not make to playoff, due to early season loss to #2 team, who is with coincidence in same division? Da, comrade! Is possible in Commie Football!

Odnako, this week Oklahoma State is ruining drama of situation somewhat with loss. You are reading recap below. But yet, is possible for either team to win division in remaining week!

Here is Week 11 roundup of important game results:

  • District 1: UConn Huskies (8-3, #19 rank) is defeating Wake Forest 27-15 to claim District 1 North title and invitation to District 1 championship game; WVU (7-4) is defeating rival from same SSR, Marshall Thundering Herd 38-9; Because Penn State (7-4) is losing 30-18 to Rutgers Scarlet Knights, final game of season between PSU and WVU will determine South division title and championship game berth; Navy (7-4, #24) is defeating rival Army 38-21, and is strongest team in South according to Top Power rank, but Midshipmen is already eliminated from playoff contention due to losses to both PSU and WVU earlier in season.
  • District 2: Blue Devils of Duke (8-3, #20 rank) is beating Maryland Terps 41-35, but North division title is elusive due to Week 2 loss to UNC; Speaking of, Tarheels of North Carolina (7-4, #25) is beating Syracuse 36-28, but is requiring Week 12 victory over Wake Forest and Duke loss to make playoffs; Clemson Tigers (8-3, #16) is defeating NC State 31-27 to control South division, but Week 3 loss to Appalachian State is causing delay in celebration; Meanwhile, App State (7-4) is defeating Ohio Bobcats 42-26, to maintain playoff dream until very end!
  • District 3: Defending champion Ohio State (8-3, #12 rank) is losing in 31-24 upset to Pitt Panthers (4-7), damaging hope for Buckeye repeat championship; Wolverines of Michigan (9-2, #4) is beating Northwestern 18-14 to take lead in North division playoff hunt; With South division title already in paw, Memphis Tigers (7-4) is losing like lazy dog to Louisiana Tech 24-13; Michigan State Spartans (8-3, #14) is impressive in 15-10 victory vs. Wisconsin Badgers (7-4, #22), but cannot win division, due to Week Nine loss to hated Wolverines.
  • District 4: Miracle South Florida Bulls (9-2, #6 rank) is clinching District 4 East title with 56-19 defeat of South Carolina Gamecocks; Ole Miss (8-3, #7) is defeating Mizzou 29-12 to maintain edge in District 4 West playoff race; Crimson Tide of Alabama (8-3, #9) is beating defending District 4 champion FSU (7-4, #21) 23-22, but playoff dream is depending on victory vs. LSU next week, and Ole Miss loss.
  • District 5: Since Wisconsin is losing, Fighting Irish (9-2, #3 rank) 34-22 defeat of old enemy USC Trojans (8-3, #8) is clinching District 5 North title; Already victor of South division, Iowa Hawkeyes (10-1, #2 rank) is beating Golden Gophers of Minnesota 32-26 and will face Notre Dame in District 5 championship game!
  • District 6: Sooners of Oklahoma (10-1, #1 rank) is beating enemy Texas Longhorns 31-27, but playoff spot is yet insecure; Oklahoma State Cowboys (9-2, #5) is blowing opportunity in 39-22 upset defeat to BYU Cougars (6-5), but is not yet dead like Trotsky – if Tulsa can defeat Sooners next week; Houston Cougars (7-4) is losing 18-17 in shame to lowly UTEP (2-9), but is yet clinching South division title when Baylor Bears is losing in shame to Arizona State Sun Devils (6-5)!
  • District 7: Utah Utes (8-3, #18 rank) is clinching North division title with 31-12 defeat of Oregon State Beavers; Washington State (7-4) is defeating Boise State (6-5) 32-16 to crush Bronco playoff dream; Fans of Air Force Falcons (8-3, #17) is yet in shock over South division title, but team is downing Colorado State Rams 40-22 to maintain proper playoff altitude. Is Utah vs. Air Force in District 7 Championship game!
  • District 8: Washington Huskies (8-3, #11 rank) is seizing North division title with commanding 68-9 victory vs. Hawaii Rainbow Warriors; South division is resulting in many fan biting of fingernails due to three-way tie! Stanford Cardinal (8-3, #13), top-ranked team in country only few weeks ago, is now losing third game in row, this time 35-31 to Oregon Ducks (5-6), now Cardinal can only find playoff path with win vs. USC (8-3, #8) next week; however, UCLA Bruins (8-3, #10) is defeating Golden Bears of Cal 26-15, and could yet make playoffs with victory in final week vs. Fresno State plus USC loss!
TIER 2 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:HARV vs. South Champ
District 2:JMU vs. South Champ
District 3:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 4:WKU vs. USM
District 5:TLDO vs. South Champ
District 6:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 7:East Champ vs.
NEES
District 8:WYO vs. South Champ

TIER 2: BIG RED WILL HAVE REVENGE

Genius of Commie Football system is reaching down to Tier 2 level also, where is yet NINE playoff invitations unsent! Excitement of Commie Football system is spreading to many more college football fans, for is 16 teams with true chance to fight for championship!

Following Week 11 game results, is three new teams - Harvard Crimson (8-3, #14), Southern Miss (10-1, #2), and Toledo Rockets (9-2, #5) – winning division to earn Tier 2 playoff appearance.

But is new #1 Top Power rank team, and this is perhaps not surprise if you are close observer of Tier 2. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (10-1) is now flying over Southern Miss like intercontinental ballistic missile, to take over #1 Top Power rank position!

Will Hilltoppers make it to top of Tier 2 hill? WKU is yet bitter, like unwashed blood root, and angry, like bear drinking vodka, over loss in 2014 Tier 2 Championship game! Subsequent to this, is SNUB when is time to promote teams to Tier 1 level for new season. Best revenge is winning Tier 2 Championship!

Week Seven: Remembered Shame is Fuel of Later Victory

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SHAME! Is common feeling in Commie Football.

SHAME! Is common feeling in Commie Football.

LAZY AMERICANS. SO EAGER TO DRIVE SUPERHIGHWAY, AVOID ROAD OF DIRT.

In every old capitalist college football system – NCAA, FBS, BCS, or CFP – is very common for team to be perfect 7-0 by this time of season. Why is this? Is because of nonsense conference system! Is because of incentive to pack schedule full with cupcake games, like young piglet stuffing for later slaughter! Is because of artificial popularity poll made by undeserving committee, a creation of hungry-for-advertising-revenue American television corporation, who is then saying every game is with very best teams! Bred sivoy kobyly!

Uggggh. Boooooored! Georgy is all like, TOTALLY obsessed with teaching us about Soviet military history, and I’m just like, barely awake… Leningrad, Novgorod, Stalingrad, Ostrogozhsk–Rossosh… BLUURRRGGG. Pass the kvass! Know what I’m sayin’? Anyway, I’m learning a lot, I guess. Oh, and what else was there… maybe just that… HARVARD’S STILL NUMBER ONE TOP POWER RANKING ON TIER 2, baby! Kyle, did you see that? I find that very interesting. I find that to be exceptional, don’t you think? The Russians love them some CRIMSON, amirite? Oh, but SIGGGH. It’s so lonely on the top. Perhaps the 1% know the pain of which I speak? Yeah, Georgy’s all like, fired up about the Battle of Kharkov or whatever, and I’m just like “DUDE. You don’t GET IT.” You know? Because I’m like, FREAKING OUT right now after Yale beat UMass this week. 36 to 34. And I know Yale’s like, still only 2-5 and totally in last place in the Tier 2, District 1 North division, and it’s not like it’s gonna be easy to get past Southern Miss and, YEAH, FINE – Harvard in the last game of the season. Aw, man – wouldn’t it be SWEET if Yale totally won out and Harvard lost the rest of their games, and it came down to the final game of the year – Harvard’s 7 and 4 and Yale’s 6 and 5 – and Yale totally beats Harvard’s ass and WINS THE DIVISION based on head-to-head tiebreaker? Dude! You would NOT be able to deny – that would be a total SIGN FROM GOD about what I’m supposed to do to Bobby.

When top college football team is suffering even one loss in antiquated system of NCAA, fans is weeping like drunken American debyutantka in nightclub bathroom, cursing before-favorite coach and young players. Football critics is saying is impossible for this team to now win “invitation” to miniature CFP playoff for make championship game.

Reaction is ridiculous! Is demonstration of weakness! Did Soviet Union quit war following disaster in First Battle of Kiev? NYET! Did fall of Kharkov result in Soviet surrender? NYET! One or two losing battles is not meaning war is finish!

PAIN NOW FOR LATER GLORY, IS POSSIBLE

Before Week Seven of Commie Football season, is only eight remaining unbeaten teams total, on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels. Now, is even less! Washington Huskies (6-1) is losing first game of season by 31-29 score to back-from-dead Oregon Ducks (2-5). Also in District 8, California Golden Bears (6-1) is falling in defeat for first time by score 43-33 to Cougars of Washington State (4-3). Only one team is remaining unbeaten on Tier 1 level – but how long can Stanford Cardinal (7-0), who is enjoying easy 31-17 victory over Hawaii in Week Seven, remain without blemish, like rare Isaak Brodsky painting?

On Tier 2 level, is more damage for unbeaten teams! James Madison, Georgia Southern, and Sam Houston State is all suffering first loss of season in Week Seven.

Is season now over for Huskies and Cal? Should JMU, Georgia Southern, and Sam Houston abandon schedule and quit season? Is championship dream over for any team with only one loss?

NYET! Is only one battle! Full Commie Football season is long war, and is yet many opportunity for enough victory to make 16-team playoff and possible championship! Is fact – only teams with six or seven losses is already ineligible for playoff, but this is now include only 13 of 96 teams on Tier 1 level!

But da, single loss in playoff is resulting in immediate death.

Here is summary of results for exciting Week 7 games in Commie Football:

  • District 1: Temple Owls (5-2) is defeating Syracuse 24-17, moving back into tie for North division lead with Rutgers, who is losing 40-22 in medieval battle between Scarlet Knights and Black Knights of Army (3-4); Pitt Panthers (2-5) is tasting delicious nectar of 27-25 victory vs. nemesis Nittany Lions (4-3); WVU (4-3) is taking advantage with 29-22 victory vs. Navy Midshipmen to stay in South division playoff race.
  • District 2: Blue Devils (6-1, #8 rank) 35-28 victory vs. East Carolina is giving Duke a two-game lead in North division; Georgia Bulldogs (4-3) is teaching upstart Appalachian State (5-2, #20) a hard lesson in 26-19 victory; Clemson (5-2, #24) is destroying Tennessee Vols in 39-7 annihilation, to claim South division lead.
  • District 3: Buckeyes (5-2, #21 rank) is treating arch rival Michigan Wolverines (5-2, #13) to 30-16 beatdown; Michigan State (5-2, #17) is exploding all over Ohio Bobcats 67-17 to create 3-way tie with UM and OSU for North division lead; Memphis Tigers (5-2, #18) is surging with power to 54-29 victory vs. Kentucky Wildcats, to take lead in South.
  • District 4: South Florida Bulls (6-1, #10 rank) is destroying nemesis UCF 49-12 to maintain East division lead; Seminoles of FSU (5-2, #12) is lurking just behind after 37-11 victory vs. Miami Hurricanes; Ole Miss (5-2, #16) is recapturing advantage in West division with 28-12 victory vs. Louisiana Tech; Mississippi State (3-4) is clanging cowbell, defeating Crimson Tide (5-2, #22) in huge 28-17 upset victory; LSU (5-2) is missing good opportunity with embarrassing 34-30 defeat to usual weak Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette (4-3).
  • District 5: Fighting Irish (6-1, #3 rank) is making quiet comeback in Top Power rankings, fighting off Northwestern (5-2, #15) in key 31-29 victory; Iowa Hawkeyes (6-1, #4) is defeating Kansas State (5-2) 25-14 in equal critical South division game; Mizzou (6-1, #5) is sharing lead of South division following 24-18 victory vs. Cyclones of Iowa State
  • District 6: Oklahoma State (6-1) is gushing like Baku oil well up to #2 Top Power rank after 62-26 domination victory of Tulsa Golden Hurricane; Meanwhile, Oklahoma Sooners (6-1, #6) 55-40 win vs. Razorbacks of Arkansas is moving OU into 3-way tie for North division lead; Horned Frogs of TCU (6-1, #7) is third team in tie after easy 43-21 win vs. SMU; In South division, Houston Cougars (5-2, #25) is surprise beating Baylor Bears 43-27 in upset victory, is now tie for South lead with Texas A&M (5-2) who is embarrassing losing by score 21-19 to little Texas State Bobcats!
  • District 7: Defending Tier 2 champion Colorado State Rams (4-3) is surprising Boise State (5-2, #14 rank) in 26-24 upset victory; Air Force Falcons (4-3) is remaining in hunt for South division title with 37-19 victory vs.  ASU Sun Devils; Arizona Wildcats (4-3) is beating UTEP 38-29 to maintain tie for South division lead.
  • District 8: Oregon Ducks (2-5) is finally winning games, ruining perfect season of Washington Huskies (6-1, #9 rank) in 31-29 upset win; Wazzu (4-3) is also wrecking perfect season of Cal Golden Bears (6-1, #11) with 43-33 upset victory; Stanford (7-0, #1 rank) is last remaining unbeaten Tier 1 team after 31-17 win vs. Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii.

ON TIER 2, HERE IS NEWS OF TOP FIVE TEAMS

Harvard Crimson (7-0, #1 rank) is continue success with 39-18 victory vs. Brown to maintain #1 Top Power rank; In best game of week, featuring two unbeaten teams, McNeese State Cowboys (7-0, #2) is defeating Sam Houston State 29-25 to seize control of District 7 playoff race; Toledo Rockets (6-1, #3) is continue to fly high in 36-29 over Chippewas of Central Michigan; Southern Miss (6-1, #4) is efficient defeating of Samford by score 50-23; 2014 runner-up Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (6-1, #5) is climbing again near top of hill after 34-28 over Georgia State.

Week One: You Are Hearing Large Boom?

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2015 Commie Football season is beginning

CUPCAKES FOR LAZY AMERICANS

Is peculiar tradition of NCAA college football, where strong team is playing weak, cupcake opponent in first game (or three) of season. Cupcake team is receiving many dollars to endure brutal beating in front of hostile crowd, who is drooling like rabid wolf and becoming frenzy as scoreboard is climbing to ludicrous score! Fans is then driving home to American suburb house very happy, stuffing face with Big Mac hamburger, thinking favorite team is certain to enjoy undefeated championship season!

So, you know how it’s like, the time of changing seasons? College football season starting… the short Russian summer turning into brutally cold Russian fall? The new intern from Yale coming in and messing up my flow? Anyway – speaking of seasons – we finally made it through all 10 seasons of “Friends” and I thought it was even better the third time around! You just catch so many more details, you know? And Georgy absolutely got waaay into it. After it was done, he was like “Let us watch continuing story of Josef Tribbiani” and I was like YESSSSS and so we did. All 46 episodes. Didn’t sleep for days.  I’m just gonna say it – that show totally did NOT get the respect it deserves!It took longer than expected to rebuild the satellite feed equipment, but that wasn’t my fault. I had found a sweet set of tools in one of the supply chambers and was all ready to work. Then Georgy says he wants me to hold off until we finish the final two seasons of “Friends.” He goes something like, “We must find how beautiful love story of Ross and Rashel is ending.” Spoiler alert. They live happily ever after. So when it’s finally over, it takes like, 10 minutes for me to fix the feeds and monitors. What’s the first thing Georgy wants to do, now that we have restored satellite communications? I hear Bobby over there whining and whispering in Georgy’s ear, and G suddenly goes “We must find out ultimate fate to story of Josef Tribbiani.” I don’t know, bro – I’m really starting to wonder about this internship.

In Commie Football, is very different. Innovative schedule formula is making top Tier 1 teams from previous 2014 season play other strong teams in Week One. Cupcake game against true weakling opponent is impossible! Every subsequent week is important, difficult battle. Only true strongest team is winning Division, then District, then three more playoff games against top opponents, to win championship.

Only cupcake is at ceremonial meal following championship game. Is customary reward for head coach of winning team to eat (if there is available sugar).

Ohio State Buckeyes is 2014 champion. No team in history is ever making repeat champion of Commie Football! Who will be 2015 season champion? You are feeling excitement?

Here is highlight scores of top games on Week One Schedule, pitting best teams from previous 2014 season:

  • Florida State 30 vs. USC 28
  • Ole Miss 54 vs. Oregon 22
  • Penn State 13 vs. TCU 29
  • East Carolina 15 vs. Ohio State 38
  • Georgia 34 vs. Michigan State 22
  • Arizona State 16 vs. Notre Dame 38
  • Mississippi State 14 vs. Stanford 23
  • Baylor 30 vs. West Virginia 32
  • Clemson 33 vs. Louisville 21
  • Arkansas 22 vs. Temple 27

Some results is surprise to you? You must remember – complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm is penalizing teams who is scheduling cupcake game! When Michigan State is having much struggle against weak Western Michigan (who is good Tier 2 team in Commie Football), algorithm is utilizing information as mathematical factor. When high-power Baylor Bears is allowing many points to tiny, who-is-this, Tier 2-level Lamar Cardinals, Soviet algorithm is punishing Bears.

You are finding complete Week One scoreboard at this link. Da, okay… so in truth, is not quite complete scoreboard.

WHY IS NOT QUITE COMPLETE SCOREBOARD?

Soviet supercomputer algorithm is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation. Is few teams on Tier 2 level – all from lazy Ivy League (home of Intern Kyle and former intern, now “member of staff” Bobby, who is especially lazy) – who is not playing football games yet in 2015 NCAA season. Is impossible for Soviet supercomputer then to crunch these data. Once every team is playing game, then supercomputer is having proper data and all Commie Football game scores is being calculated. You must be patient, like famous Soviet sharpshooter Vasily Zaytsev.

WHERE IS NEW TOP POWER RANKING?

Only idiot is making ranking of strongest teams following first game of new season! As example, is Huskies of Washington who is #1 Top Power rank after Week One results. Data is yet imperfect. Soviet supercomputer will begin making true Top Power calculation, to begin after Week Three of PUACF season.