Commie Football Will Be There For You, Beginning Next Week

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druzya-banner Is first weekend of 2015 American college football season, but where is Commie Football results?

You are forgetting already! Commie Football season is not begin until Week Two of NCAA football regular season. Why is this? Is because Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation of Commie Football scores. Beginning of 2015 PUACF season is next week. You are finding 2015 season schedule here.

SATELLITE FEED IS JOKE, IS BROKE

Here at Secondary Emergency Headquarters, is having recent problem. After previous intern (now member of staff) Bobby is playing with satellite feed like children’s toy, only video showing on security monitors is episodes of idiot American television program “Friends”. Is playing in endless loop, 24 hours every day!

COLLECT ALL CARDS
(click to make big):

ross-nd
rashel-oregon
monika-bama
chandler-osu
phoebe-texas
joey-fsu

To keep brain from disintegrating into bowl of cold, moldy kasha, I am thinking always of college football while watching tragic love story of Ross and Rashel. Is true to admit, I am learning many things about meaningless capitalist American culture from this show. As example, each character is perfect symbol of American college football program:

  • ROSS GELLER is supposed “smart” character, expert in study of dinosaur era, but unable to find glory in present time. Is dating many women throughout story, but is never able to keep commitment, long-term. Whining is becoming louder each season, like spoiled child having tantrum. Is believing to be superior, but running away when danger is confronting. Ross is FIGHTING IRISH of NOTRE DAME. Bonus: Karol is former wife of Ross, now in relationship with Syuzan, just as USC Trojans is having more healthy relationship with Stanford Cardinal!
  • RASHEL GREEN is always wearing clothing and haircut of latest fashion, attracting much attention. But inside is shallow, like receding waters of Aral Sea. Is gazing always at beautiful reflection in mirror, but becoming panic in stressful situation. Rashel is OREGON DUCKS. Bonus: Rashel is leaving former fiance Barry, just as Oregon is leaving former archrival Washington Huskies! Surplus Bonus: Gunther is loser working in Central Perk kafe, who is having obsession with attractive looks of Rashel. This is Baylor Bears!
  • MONIKA GELLAR is craving competition, becoming aggressive with any slight perception of disrespect. Is also vstrevozhennyy, wanting control in every situation, insisting to only do her way, always. In past, Monika was typical fat American, but now, even when beautiful, is needing to prove superiority always, because is still feeling ugly inside. Monika is ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Bonus: Monika is having on-off relationship with Richard, who is older man set in ways, uninterested in change. Just like Ole Miss Rebels!
  • CHANDELIER BING is living easy life with much money, yet is always making loud, mean joke as defense to feel superior and hide secret hatred of self. Is mere cog in anonymous, capitalist finance corporation. Is also wearing woman’s sweater vest always, which is famous garment of recent popular college football coach. Chandelier is OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Bonus: Chandelier is sometimes running into old girlfriend Janice, who is having loud, annoying voice like braying donkey. This is also Michigan Wolverines!
  • In USSR, FEBA BUFFAY would spend rest of life in psikhiatricheskaya bol’nitsa. Is pretending to be child of flowers, but is former street criminal and drug addict, even now making threat to friends. Is playing rudimentary folk guitar and singing unlistenable song about cat in Central Perk kafe. Presence is making no sense. Drug addict, guitar, cats – is much like American city of Austin, in Texas SSR. Feba is TEXAS LONGHORNS. Bonus: Feba is having twin sister Ursula, who is being cruel and cold, like Siberian winter, to former family members, just like Texas A&M!
  • JOSEF TRIBIANI is typical American male, head filled with kholodets, interested only in eating neighbor’s food and spreading STD disease. Is failing actor, unable to pretend to be anything but idiot. Nonsense saying “How you doin’?” is somehow magic spell to attract next victim. Josef is SEMINOLES OF FLORIDA STATE. Bonus: Josef is having sister named Gina, who is strong of spirit and looking good, but is often bringing shame to family with brash behavior. Is like Miami Hurricanes!

Da, I am also watching few episodes of “Joey” television program (spinoff of “Friends”) to satisfy curiosity about future of Josef Tribbiani. Curiosity is only lasting three, maybe four episodes, maximum.

Week Three: Return of Top Power Ranking

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Who is true Top Power?Week Three of 2014 Commie Football season is now written in history book. Every team is having played two other teams from same Division, so “order of pecking” is looking more clear to all American college football fans.

RETURN OF TOP POWER 25

Many fan is excited to see return of Top Power 25 ranking system. Is happening because of complicated Soviet supercomputer algorithm. Is very best way to rank American college football teams, because is based on most important statistic – NUMBER OF VICTORIES. In world of Commie Football, because every team is playing fair schedule, with elimination of all cupcake games against teams from inferior level, every victory is hard work and true measure of strength! And oh – is not possible to have 3/4 of teams in District with winning record, like in SEC or Pac 12 conference of old times!

Next important part of algorithm is where Soviet supercomputer is becoming necessary. Is taking combination of factor – strength of victory, strength of opponent, and critical measures of offense and defense output. This number is called “TP SCORE” and is showing overall relative strength of team versus other team with same number of victories.

This is much better solution than panel of American college football “expert committee” featuring former Secretary of State of old USA (before Soviet takeover). Is better than large group of “pollsters” picking favorite local team every week, even if team is having less victories than team in other administrative district. Is better than team having most dollars from wealthy capitalist “booster” collective, and this team is now top of ranking and stupid Americans is thinking this is mystery of how?!

Here is first Top Power 25 ranking of season. Only idiot is making ranking before Week Three of season! Making debut at top of 2014 Commie Football Top Power 25 ranking is Aggies of Texas A&M (3-0). Rest of top five is including Ole Miss, Stanford, TCU, and Baylor. Champion from last season Seminoles of Florida State, is appearing at #6. Razorbacks is somewhat surprise at #7, but biggest surprise is unbeaten Temple Owls at #8.

I am understanding how you are now thinking – this early ranking is very interesting, but is maybe changing very much before end of season. Where is Crimson Tide? How is Temple Owls from weak District 1 in top 10?

If this is how you are thinking, you are needing to have deep breath! Is very natural for Top Power 25 to experience big change during season, like ugly duckling that is one day growing into delicious goose, in time for ceremonial end-of-year slaughter.

Intern Bobby is saying...Bobby’s back in the shack! Hey guys – I’m like, super sorry about what happened on Twitter last week. Long story short – I “accidentally” sent out a bunch of tweets at the same time, and Georgy screamed at me (repeatedly… and now stuck on an endless loop in my brain) “LIKE PK MACHINE GUN!” I didn’t think it was that big a deal, you know? But Georgy likes everything to be *ideal’no* – you have to start the fire with small wood, you can’t nick the potatoes when you’re digging with a metal shovel, you have to close all the HTML tags, or whatever. Anyway – he kicked me off of tweeting for a few days, and I had to do this huge, miles-long, hike through the woods BY MYSELF to some random mailbox positioned along this gravel road out in the middle of nowhere to fetch “very critical parcel”. I totally got frostbite, and I was all worried about carrying it so far, but it turned out to be like, the size of a penny – some computer part or something. Got lost on the way back and had to sleep in this like, abandoned missile silo or something. Georgy was all worried when I got back, and even gave me an extra cup of hot tea (and surprise, no sugar). I’m out!

Here is review of stories in Tier 1 Districts:

  • District 1: Unbeaten Temple Owls (3-0, #8) is dominating Syracuse (1-1) 27-10; Nittany Lions of Penn State (2-0, #10) is beating old rival West Virginia (2-1, #22) 35-23; Navy (2-1) is ruining perfect record of Virginia Cavaliers (2-1).
  • District 2: Surprising Kentucky Wildcats (3-0, #13) is taking down Clemson (1-2) 26-21; Also surprising NC State (3-0, #17) is tackling rival Duke (1-2) 20-11; In big rivalry game, Georgia Bulldogs (2-1) is swatting with hand Yellowjackets of Georgia Tech (0-3) 29-13.
  • District 3: Notre Dame (3-0, #16) is yet perfect following 32-23 victory over Michigan State (1-2); Ohio State Buckeyes is showing still dominant in South Division, is beating Marshall Thundering Herd (1-2) 41-18; Last year power Louisville Cardinals (2-1) is maybe waking up, is destroying Golden Flashes of Kent State (0-3) by 33-5 score.
  • District 4: What is happening to Crimson Tide (0-3)? Is surprise losing again, this week to Ole Miss (3-0) (who is surprise #2 Top Power rank)! Defending 2013 champion Florida State (3-0, #6) is easy defeating rival Gators of Florida, but is not at #1 Top Power rank! Auburn (3-0, #9) and Mississippi State (3-0, #11) is also yet unbeaten.
  • District 5: Every team in District is losing one or more game. Wisconsin (2-1) is showing no mercy to Fighting Illini (1-2), is winning 69-19;  Cornhuskers (2-1, #24) is close beating Iowa 31-27; Mizzou (2-1) is winning close 24-21 Border War victory over rival Kansas Jayhawks (0-3).
  • District 6: District is having four teams in top 10 power rank. Aggies of Texas A&M is #1 rank after 58-6 massacre of SMU (0-3); TCU Horned Frogs (3-0, #4) is surprise high rank after 29-18 win over UTSA (1-2); Baylor Bears (3-0, #5) is making dominant 30-19 win vs. Longhorns (1-2); Also do not forget about Razorbacks of Arkansas (3-0, #7), who is making surprise easy mincemeat on LSU (2-1, #21).
  • District 7: Oklahoma Sooners (3-0, #17) is best team in District by Top Power rank, is beating Arizona Wildcats (1-2) 45-41; Utah Utes (1-2) is winning Holy War 30-25 victory over BYU (2-1).
  • District 8: Oregon State Beavers (3-0, #15) is showing California Golden Bears (2-1) what is meaning to be unbeaten! Also, UCLA (3-0, #12), USC (3-0, #14), and Washington Huskies (3-0, #19) is yet unbeaten.

TIER 2, TOO

Twenty-five percent of 2014 season is also finish on Tier 2. Is yet 23 teams with unbeaten 3-0 record, with many familiar names at top of Tier 2 Top Power rankings: Chanticleers of Coastal Carolina (#1), Villanova (#2), Colorado State Rams (#3), Appalachian State (#4), Old Dominion (#5). Further down list, a few unfamiliar names is appearing: Charlotte (#6), North Carolina A&T (#7), etc. As in Tier 1, Top Power rankings is more volatile early in season, but is true, best measure of strength of all teams!

Important note – now that Ivy League football is finally playing games, Commie Football game results for Week One and Week Two is now also being complete. Intern Bobby is very sad, because alma mater Harvard Crimson is having terrible start at 0-3. Is maybe too much time studying useless academic books, not enough time practicing football game!