Is New Czar of American College Football!

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In commemoration of championship 2015 season, fans of Clemson Tigers is adding Commie Football symbol to symbolic Howard's Rock monument.

In commemoration of championship 2015 season, University of Clemson is adding Commie Football logo to symbolic Howard’s Rock monument.

TIER 1 CHAMPION: TIGERS OF CLEMSON!

Pozdravlyayu to Tigers of Clemson, champion of 2015 Commie Football college football season! Clemson is defeating USC Trojans 33-25 in Commie Fiesta Bowl championship game, to end season as final team in hot spotlight of eternal glory.

Result is perhaps different than college football fans is expecting. In corrupt College Football Playoff system, Clemson is losing in championship game to Alabama Crimson Tide. But in world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide (9-3, #10) is not qualifying for playoffs! Bama loss to Ole Miss (9-3, #6) in Week 2 is later handing division title and playoff invitation to Rebels at end of season. Clemson is then defeating Ole Miss in playoffs, Round 2 on path to eternal glory, despite mediocre offense (#31) and defense (#22) rankings!

In village of Tuscaloosa, this is tragedy… yet every other village in America is very happy with this result. Is many more surprising results to read in final 2015 Standings.

MYSTERIES OF SUPERCOMPUTER

Is unusual finding of Soviet supercomputer. Despite championship game victory, Clemson is yet finishing season as #2 Top Power rank! Advanced supercomputer algorithm is placing Oklahoma Sooners (13-2) as #1 rank team, despite loss to Clemson in Round 3 playoff game. Is small, meaningless honor for Oklahoma, perhaps good fact for propaganda poster to attract new football recruits. Top Power rank is complex mathematical calculation, and supercomputer is unburdened by weak human emotion.

But is no celebration this day in Norman, Oklahoma SSR. Only in village of Clemson, South Carolina SSR is brief celebratory gathering permitted. There, as reward for successful season, one bottle of good Sovetskoye Shampanskoye is flowing clear and plentiful, like Volga River.

For USC Trojans (12-4, #3), long, unexpected good season is yet having very sad ending, like Tolstoy novel. Following loss to Florida State in Week One, USC is defeating strong division opponents UCLA and Stanford, and collecting enough victories to make playoffs. There, Trojans is utilizing #8-rank offense to avenge regular season losses to both Washington Huskies and Fighting Irish of Notre Dame on surprise path to championship game. Perhaps is not enough strength remaining to win final battle? Perhaps Trojan armor is having small hole, which enemy is exploiting?  

Southern Miss Eagles is proving superior to San Jose State to claim Tier 2 championship.

Southern Miss To The Top!… of Tier 2 level after defeat of Spartans of San Jose State.

TIER 2 CHAMPION: GOLDEN EAGLES OF SOUTHERN MISS

But Clemson is not only new champion team of America college football! Southern Miss Golden Eagles (15-1, #1 rank) is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Spartans of San Jose State 43-32 in battle between #1 and #5 offenses on Tier 2 level.

Southern Miss is losing first game of season to weak Eastern Washington team, but is then executing difficult task of winning all remaining games – 15 total, including playoff victory over powerful WKU – to seize championship glory! Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season.

Spartans of San Jose State (13-2, #2), despite Week Nine loss to division rival UNLV, is making overall impressive season to become second consecutive T2/District 8 representative in championship game.

Is unfortunate situation, but due to ration, supply of Sovetskoye Shampanskoye is limited. Only South Carolina SSR is receiving one bottle. Fans in Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR is permitted to drink water from Leaf River, infused with bubbles from military air compressor. One liter each, maximum.

Our work has only begun. In our time we have an historic opportunity to shape a global balance of power that favors freedom and that will therefore deepen and extend the peace. And I use the word power broadly, because even more important than military and indeed economic power is the power of ideas, the power of compassion, and the power of hope.
I’m very glad my mother didn’t let me quit piano lessons at age 10. She said I wasn’t old enough or good enough to make that decision, and she was right. I remember at the time I was shocked. I did not like that my mother said those things to me. But when I got a chance to play with Yo-Yo Ma or more recently with Aretha Franklin, I thought, I’m really glad she said what she did.

SEASON IS COMPLETE. WHAT IS NOW PLAN?

Now is beginning of long college football offseason. But is not meaning is time for lazy American, sitting on fat yagoditsy, thinking only of taking perfect profile photo on VKontakte social website! (This is subtle message, intending for Bobby.)

Is yet much work to do to prepare for 2016 season! First is promotion and relegation, then necessary realignment on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels, and last is creation of new 2016 Commie Football schedule

Da, supercomputer is also requiring of critical repairs. Is complex pipe network inside supercomputer, to make cold environment, like Siberia just before dawn. Computer power is very hot. Is making big enough heat to supply entire interior of Emergency Secondary Headquarters! Including for hot tub of Bobby (there is other secret hot tub in complex, I am never showing to Bobby).

But if heat is too great, critical components of supercomputer is melting into puddle, like Kolka Glacier, due to recent global warming, due to necessary Soviet nuclear missile training and testing.

When Sibirskiye iris is beginning summer bloom, Intern Kyle is ending internship. Is difficult work to coordinate secret airlift for departure. Location is very remote. I am beginning this paperwork process soon, perhaps tomorrow. First step is requiring completion of webform on Internet, which I am asking Bobby to do. Is unusual. Bobby is completing this task very quickly….

Tier 2 Playoffs: Big Red Pool of Blood!

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In District 4 Championship game, #2-rank Southern Miss Eagles is defeating #1-rank Western Kentucky 44-40. Is second time USM is defeating WKU this season.

In District 4 Championship game, #2-rank Southern Miss Eagles is defeating #1-rank Western Kentucky 44-40. Is second time USM is defeating WKU this season!

EAGLE IS REACHING HIGHER ALTITUDE THAN HILLTOP

Most exciting of all Commie Football Round 1 playoff games is perhaps Tier 2/District 4 Championship, where #1 Top Power rank Western Kentucky Hilltoppers – the team almost winning Tier 2 championship last season, then receiving snub instead of promotion to Tier 1 level during offseason – is on KGB mission for all 2015 season to destroy each opponent on path to championship glory! Is destiny, da?

But is one bump in road – loss to Southern Miss Eagles in Week 6 is preventing perfect season. Now look at this – Eagles is finishing regular season also with 11-1 record, and is now Top Power #2 rank. And this is opponent who WKU is meeting again, to make REVENGE this time, in Tier 2/District 4 Championship game!

But in this game, which many fan is considering to be true championship of entire Tier 2 level, it is Southern Miss Eagles (12-1, #1) defeating Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (11-2, #3) by score 44-40, to prove to world who is true, new czar of Tier 2 college football!

At least for one week. World shall see how Southern Miss is performing in Round 2 of playoffs (see schedule and entire scoreboard here). In meanwhile…

Here is results of ROUND 1 of 2015 Tier 2 playoffs:

District: 1
Location: Villanova, Pennsylvania SSR
Final Score: Villanova 33, Harvard 17
Notes: Both teams is possessing ferocious defense, and Harvard is displaying brains and brawn both when reaching #1 rank for three weeks during regular season. Yet it is Villanova who is ultimate winner of District 1 title (win is avenging loss to UMass last season). Harvard is maybe taking football lesson from weakling Bobby! Wildcat #3-rank defense is primary source of hope in Round 2 vs. powerful Toledo Rockets (of T2/District 5).

 

District: 2
Location: Harrisonburg, Virginia SSR
Final Score: James Madison 38, North Carolina A&T 20
Notes: With superiority on both sides of football, James Madison is defeating Aggies to claim crown of T2/District 2. NCAT is never reaching to top ten Top Power ranking, despite many wins in difficult season schedule. In end, good NCAT defense (#17 rank) is unable to contain more-good JMU #10-rank offense. But now Dukes is next playing powerful San Jose State (from T2/District 8 on other side of continent) in Round 2.

 

District: 3
Location: Statesboro, GA
Final Score: Georgia Southern 42, South Carolina State 6
Notes: Georgia Southern is winning second District 3 title consecutive, in destruction of SCSU, who is unprepared like Poland in year 1939. Eagles is possessing perhaps greatest balance of offense (#7) and defense (#2) on Tier 2 level, and is playing most of season with top ten Top Power ranking. Is too much for good, but less, #13-rank defense of Bulldogs. Only loss for GSU this season is Week 7 to strong FAU (9-3, #16). Is GSU perhaps thinking already about Southern Miss? Is best to concentrate first on Round 2 opponent, Tulane Green Wave (of T2/District 7)!

 

District: 4
Location: Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR
Final Score: Southern Miss 44, Western Kentucky 40
Notes: Why is Southern Miss entering game as lower #2 rank, when is already defeating WKU in Week Six, and spending two weeks in middle of season as #1 rank? Is due to complex algorithm of Soviet supercomputer, which is perhaps penalizing USM for Week One loss to eventual weakling Eastern Washington (2-10). This disrespect, even from machine, is fueling Eagles #1-rank offense to victory, now screaming like MiG fighter jet again to #1 Top Power rank, before Round 2 game vs. Jackrabbits of South Dakota State (of T2/District 6).

 

District: 5
Location: Toledo, Ohio SSR
Final Score: Toledo 33, Akron 21
Notes: Rockets is continue impressive season, climbing entire distance to #1 Top Power rank after Week Eight, only to burn in atmosphere like Mir space station in Week Nine 78-19 decimation by archrival Bowling Green. In meantime, Akron is stumbling into playoffs from weak South division on four-game win streak, like drunken gambler, but Zips is never making even to top 25 in Top Power ranking entire season! Steady Toledo Rockets attack is defeating jumping Zips, who is saying always “Fear the Roo” but nobody in world is fearing! Is silly kangaroo! Toledo is facing Villanova Wildcats (of T2/District 1) in Round 2 of playoffs.

 

District: 6
Location: Carbondale, Illinois SSR
Final Score: South Dakota State 44, Southern Illinois 38
Notes: In shock upset, #7-defense of Jackrabbits is slowing down #9-offense of Salukis for victory by small margin. SIU is old power, returning to Tier 2 playoffs for first time since 2012, always ranking high in Top Power during this season, but South Dakota State is hopping quiet through tall prairie grass during season, only to wait for sudden ambush of resting dog in district championship game! But will this ambush strategy work in fight vs. high-flying, #1 rank Southern Miss Eagles (of T2/District 4) in Round 2, next week?

 

District: 7
Location: Lake Charles, Louisiana SSR
Final Score: Tulane 62, McNeese State 22
Notes: With 11-1 record and already defeating in Week Five, McNeese is perhaps thinking Green Wave is easy opponent. But in perhaps most surprise upset game during first round, #13-offense of Tulane is bringing shame to #6-defense of McNeese, placing 62 points on scoreboard! Because of weak, last-place schedule (due to bad 2014 season), Cowboys is taking easy path to playoffs, while Tulane – making third appearance, consecutive in playoffs (and each year in different District due to realignment!) – is fighting way through most difficult schedule on Tier 2 level to AGAIN advance to Round 2! But is bad luck that opponent this year is powerful Georgia Southern Eagles (of T2/District 3).

 

District: 8
Location: San Jose, California SSR
Final Score: San Jose State 36, Wyoming 23
Notes: Wyoming is example of team reaching peak performance too soon in season, but is then losing 3 of final 4 games, to include District 8 Championship to San Jose State, who is using #5 offense to overwhelm soft Cowboys defense, like hot bayonet in warm maslo. SJSU is next to meet James Madison (naming for former leader of ancient American regime, from Tier 2/District) in Round 2 of Tier 2 playoffs. This is many twos.

Georgy’s letting me write my report from the interrogation chamber. I have no clue how many days we’ve been “accidentally locked” in here, but I’m bored as hell, Kyle’s asleep like, 18 hours a day, and the bathroom situation is getting WAAAAY, way gross in here.
Hey. It’s Bobby again. All Kyle’s doing right now is like, snoring and sort of… I dunno… twitching? Every few minutes. And always drooling. So much. It’s like, running down the drain in the floor in the center of the cell.

PREPARE FOR ROUND 2 OF TIER 2 PLAYOFFS

Here is schedule for Tier 2/Round 2 playoffs:

  • (1) Southern Miss (12-1, #1) vs.
    (8) South Dakota State (9-4, #16)
  • (2) Georgia Southern (12-1, #2) vs.
    (7) Tulane (9-4, #10)
  • (3) Toledo (11-2, #4) vs.
    (6) Villanova (10-3, #8)
  • (4) San Jose State (11-2, #5) vs.
    (5) James Madison (11-2, #6)

Look at this schedule. Then, wipe drool from mouth.

I am telling this, always, to Bobby, because Intern Kyle is having disgusting drool running like water from mouth, when sleeping. I am hoping to find passcode to unlock interrogation chamber in few days. More priority is routine-but-critical maintenance necessary on plumbing system, attached to cooling mechanism inside supercomputer. Is taking one person… three or four days, maximum, to fix.

Week Two: Fear & Confusion!

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putin-confusedIn early weeks of new American college football season, many fan is visiting Commie Football website and seeing surprise upset defeat of strong team by seeming weak team. Is causing fear and confusion. Why is this result? Is part because strong team (such as defending champion Ohio State Buckeyes) is yet experiencing hangover from too much celebratory shampanskoye and is playing sloppy football in early games of new season. But is also part because Commie Football supercomputer is penalizing strong team who is scheduling weak, cupcake opponent from different Tier for automatic win!

MISS_2015

In celebration of Week Two 43-37 victory over hated rival, Crimson Tide of Alabama, Ole Miss is making official, permanent change from dark blue to light blue helmet color, which is reminding of beautiful reflection of Siberian sky in still waters of Lake Baikal.

You are seeing this happen in Week Two of Commie Football season, when seeming strong team such as Oregon Ducks is falling like Berlin in 1945 to weak Washington State Cougars, by score 36-29! Auburn Tigers is also losing to weak Bulls of South Florida, by score 31-28! Once mighty Louisville Cardinals is losing to seeming weak Red Wolves of Arkansas State (who is ironic having strongest nickname in college football), by score 28-15! Weak American military preparatory school Army Black Knights is somehow finding strength to defeat District 1 bully Boston College Eagles by low score of 14-8!

Is Soviet supercomputer technology broken? Nyet, comrade. Many game scores is meeting fan expectation, with few surprise twist!

In Commie Football, superior organization and schedule matrix is making for more difficult journey to championship glory for all teams. Only true strongest team is able to conquer 12 regular season plus four playoff games without losing at least one game. After only two weeks of new season, is only 25 of 96 teams on Tier 1 level yet unbeaten! In NCAA, is seeming every FBS team “unbeaten” with two or three cupcake opponent in fat, pig stomach!

So I’m helping Georgy run his score calculations, and he goes, “What is this?” and mutters something in Russian (first I’ve heard him speak in days, btw). Then he says “Yale Bulldogs is losing in both week one and week two, first to Central Arkansas, then to Ivy League rival Brown.” What can I say, man? First off – I’m not there to help out, so those losses aren’t mine. Second – I can’t help it if Yale gets penalized for scheduling Cornell and Colgate (“Tier 3″ teams, according to Georgy). I mean, Harvard scheduled Rhode Island, so it’s not like they’re booking top-flight non-Ivy competition, you know? Season’s still young, dude – nobody’s panicking!

I guess Harvard is like, totally crushing Yale in the Commie Football standings so far. You’d think I’d brag about it more – you know, higher U.S. News & World Report ranking, higher average ACT/SAT/AP scores for incoming freshmen, higher Commie Football ranking – I mean, Harvard’s pretty much better than Yale in all measurable statistical categories, right? Thing is, I’m still a little bit hurt about begin expelled, so I’m having some mixed feelings right now about The Yard. I mean, in some ways I still bleed Crimson. Then again… don’t we all? Ha! Get it, because technically we all have red blood? OMG. Anyway – the other reason I don’t want to brag too much is because I’m afraid Kyle might beat me senseless.

Here is few other interesting Week 2 game results:

  • Ohio 18 vs. Ohio State 26
  • Indiana 20 vs. Michigan State 53
  • TCU 54 vs. Tulsa 37
  • Baylor 79 vs. Texas State 33
  • Illinois 18 vs. Notre Dame 39
  • Georgia 52 vs. South Carolina 20
  • Louisiana Tech 27 vs. LSU 42
  • San Diego State 18 vs. UCLA 46
  • Florida 7 vs. Florida State 12
  • Oklahoma 33 vs. Oklahoma State 54

WHERE IS TOP POWER RANKING?

Top Power ranking is to return following Week Three games. Only fool is revealing premature power ranking early in season, using inadequate data! Three games is minimum requirement of Commie Football supercomputer to have adequate data for proper calculation.

To demonstrate how ranking with limited data is making no sense, supercomputer is placing Washington Huskies as #1 team after Week One. This week, is now Notre Dame Fighting Irish, follow by Georgia, Iowa, West Virginia, UCLA, Northwestern, Washington, Mizzou, Florida State, and Rutgers.

There, you are now reading premature top 10 teams! You are happy? Nyet, you are more confused!

WHERE IS TIER 2?

Rich, lazy Ivy League is finally playing football games like rest of nation, so Tier 2 standings and scoreboard is now complete. On Tier 2 level, is only 30 of 96 teams yet unbeaten.

Here is few interesting game results:

  • Bowling Green 55 vs. Eastern Michigan 19
  • Alabama A&M 25 vs. Western Kentucky 75
  • Alabama State 11 vs. Jacksonville State 41
  • Buffalo 22 vs. Toledo 38
  • Central Michigan 42 vs. Western Michigan 24
  • Georgia Southern 46 vs. Mercer 13
  • Grambling 24 vs. Louisiana-Monroe 19
  • Harvard 30 vs. New Hampshire 10
  • Idaho 36 vs. Montana 29
  • New Mexico 22 vs. New Mexico State 56
  • North Dakota State 25 vs. South Dakota State 35

Tier 2 Top Power ranking is also premature, but #1 rank is held at this time by Bowling Green Falcons, who is perhaps having something to prove following Tier 2 relegation in off-season. Behind BGSU is Stony Brook, William & Mary, San Jose State, James Madison, Toledo, Georgia Southern, Princeton, FIU, and UMass.

There, you are now seeing premature Top 10 rankings from Tier 2! This information is confidential. Please, no distribution. Many men is gladly dying to protect.

Week One: You Are Hearing Large Boom?

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2015 Commie Football season is beginning

CUPCAKES FOR LAZY AMERICANS

Is peculiar tradition of NCAA college football, where strong team is playing weak, cupcake opponent in first game (or three) of season. Cupcake team is receiving many dollars to endure brutal beating in front of hostile crowd, who is drooling like rabid wolf and becoming frenzy as scoreboard is climbing to ludicrous score! Fans is then driving home to American suburb house very happy, stuffing face with Big Mac hamburger, thinking favorite team is certain to enjoy undefeated championship season!

So, you know how it’s like, the time of changing seasons? College football season starting… the short Russian summer turning into brutally cold Russian fall? The new intern from Yale coming in and messing up my flow? Anyway – speaking of seasons – we finally made it through all 10 seasons of “Friends” and I thought it was even better the third time around! You just catch so many more details, you know? And Georgy absolutely got waaay into it. After it was done, he was like “Let us watch continuing story of Josef Tribbiani” and I was like YESSSSS and so we did. All 46 episodes. Didn’t sleep for days.  I’m just gonna say it – that show totally did NOT get the respect it deserves!It took longer than expected to rebuild the satellite feed equipment, but that wasn’t my fault. I had found a sweet set of tools in one of the supply chambers and was all ready to work. Then Georgy says he wants me to hold off until we finish the final two seasons of “Friends.” He goes something like, “We must find how beautiful love story of Ross and Rashel is ending.” Spoiler alert. They live happily ever after. So when it’s finally over, it takes like, 10 minutes for me to fix the feeds and monitors. What’s the first thing Georgy wants to do, now that we have restored satellite communications? I hear Bobby over there whining and whispering in Georgy’s ear, and G suddenly goes “We must find out ultimate fate to story of Josef Tribbiani.” I don’t know, bro – I’m really starting to wonder about this internship.

In Commie Football, is very different. Innovative schedule formula is making top Tier 1 teams from previous 2014 season play other strong teams in Week One. Cupcake game against true weakling opponent is impossible! Every subsequent week is important, difficult battle. Only true strongest team is winning Division, then District, then three more playoff games against top opponents, to win championship.

Only cupcake is at ceremonial meal following championship game. Is customary reward for head coach of winning team to eat (if there is available sugar).

Ohio State Buckeyes is 2014 champion. No team in history is ever making repeat champion of Commie Football! Who will be 2015 season champion? You are feeling excitement?

Here is highlight scores of top games on Week One Schedule, pitting best teams from previous 2014 season:

  • Florida State 30 vs. USC 28
  • Ole Miss 54 vs. Oregon 22
  • Penn State 13 vs. TCU 29
  • East Carolina 15 vs. Ohio State 38
  • Georgia 34 vs. Michigan State 22
  • Arizona State 16 vs. Notre Dame 38
  • Mississippi State 14 vs. Stanford 23
  • Baylor 30 vs. West Virginia 32
  • Clemson 33 vs. Louisville 21
  • Arkansas 22 vs. Temple 27

Some results is surprise to you? You must remember – complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm is penalizing teams who is scheduling cupcake game! When Michigan State is having much struggle against weak Western Michigan (who is good Tier 2 team in Commie Football), algorithm is utilizing information as mathematical factor. When high-power Baylor Bears is allowing many points to tiny, who-is-this, Tier 2-level Lamar Cardinals, Soviet algorithm is punishing Bears.

You are finding complete Week One scoreboard at this link. Da, okay… so in truth, is not quite complete scoreboard.

WHY IS NOT QUITE COMPLETE SCOREBOARD?

Soviet supercomputer algorithm is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation. Is few teams on Tier 2 level – all from lazy Ivy League (home of Intern Kyle and former intern, now “member of staff” Bobby, who is especially lazy) – who is not playing football games yet in 2015 NCAA season. Is impossible for Soviet supercomputer then to crunch these data. Once every team is playing game, then supercomputer is having proper data and all Commie Football game scores is being calculated. You must be patient, like famous Soviet sharpshooter Vasily Zaytsev.

WHERE IS NEW TOP POWER RANKING?

Only idiot is making ranking of strongest teams following first game of new season! As example, is Huskies of Washington who is #1 Top Power rank after Week One results. Data is yet imperfect. Soviet supercomputer will begin making true Top Power calculation, to begin after Week Three of PUACF season.