Week Eight: Toledo is Fly High, Like Gagarin

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Great hero and cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin is most famous citizen of Toledo. Is why Ohio SSR is known throughout world as "Birthplace of Aviation."

Great hero and cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin is most famous citizen of Toledo. Is why Ohio SSR is known throughout known galaxy as “Birthplace of Aviation.”

You are liking firework celebration? You are liking satellite for favorite television program? You are liking this GPS system, for finding way to American grocery store because of forgetting how to read simple map?

Then you are thanking great Soviet hero and cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, who is first man in space, and who is inventor of space age!

Is only natural that college football team with name in tribute to Comrade Gagarin – “Rockets” – is now rising high in sky, to new #1 Top Power Rank (of Tier 2 level). Is Toledo Rockets (7-1) who is defeating Rattlers of Florida A&M 38-11 in Week 8.

Previous #1 Harvard Crimson (7-1, now #6) is losing in humiliation, 31-11 to Chattanooga Mocs (3-5). Also, prior #2 rank McNeese State (7-1, now #10) is losing in upset, 29-27 to Montana State (4-4). This is clearing hole in sky for Toledo to shoot into.

STANFORD CARDINAL TREE IS YET GROWING

With 2015 regular season now two of three kilometer to finish, is Stanford Cardinal (8-0) yet growing high into sky, is only undefeated team in all of college football. Cardinal is 42-27 victors over strong Boise State Broncos (5-3, #22) in Week 8. Here is rest of Week 8 scoreboard. Oklahoma State (7-1, #2), Oklahoma Sooners (7-1, #3), Iowa Hawkeyes (7-1, #4), and Duke Blue Devils (7-1, #5) is also high in Top Power Ranking.

Week 8 schedule is featuring games between teams in different Districts. Here is review of important game results in Week 8 on Tier 1 level:

  • District 1Penn State (5-3) is upset defeating Florida State Seminoles (5-3, #21 rank) 30-22 to take lead in South division; In North division, is bezumnyy four-way tie for first place! With both Rutgers and Temple Owls losing, the Huskies of UConn (5-3) 40-14 victory over Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette, plus Boston College (5-3) 31-16 victory vs. UCF is creating, how do you say, “grid-lock”.
  • District 2Clemson (6-2, #13 rank) is surviving difficult Texas A&M 42-38; In battle of recent promotion teams, surprise Appalachian State (6-2, #18) is defeating Bobcats of Texas State 48-44 to remain near to in South division; Blue Devils of Duke (7-1, #5) is running away in North division after 26-15 defeat of one-time-proud Texas Longhorns.
  • District 3Michigan State Spartans (6-2, #9 rank) is controlling North division after 27-20 defeat of Wildcats of Northwestern (5-3, #25); Ohio State Buckeyes (6-2, #12) is making 28-21 upset victory of Notre Dame (6-2, #7) to remain in hunt; Wolverines of Michigan (6-2, #6 rank) is defeating powerful Mizzou (6-2, #8) 22-18 to create old-fashion three-way of North!
  • District 4: USF Bulls (6-2, #20 rank) is losing 28-19 to weak Virginia Cavaliers, but is yet somehow leader of powerful East division; Ole Miss (6-2, #11) is shooting down Temple Owls 26-19 to maintain slight lead in West; But beware, LSU (6-2, #16) is crushing Rutgers Scarlet Knights 39-19, to remain directly behind in West playoff hunt!
  • District 5Hawkeyes of Iowa (7-1, #4 rank) is having 25-17 victory over Louisville Cardinals, is sitting in South division driving seat; Badgers of Wisconsin (5-3, #23) is teaching Memphis Tigers (5-3) humility in easy 37-15 victory.
  • District 6Oklahoma State (7-1, #2 rank) is defeating Gamecocks of South Carolina 53-40 to keep North division lead; But just behind is archrival Oklahoma Sooners (7-1, #3), who is defeating Georgia Tech 45-14. Remember, OSU Cowboys is having tiebreaker due to to Week Two victory over OU! In South, is Cougars of Houston (6-2, #14) moving to top of division after 45-20 win vs. NC State.
  • District 7: With Boise State loss, BYU Cougars (5-3) is joining three-way in North division with 28-22 upset victor over California Golden Bears (6-2, #19 rank); Utah Utes (5-3) is third part of this three-way following 35-14 easy win vs. Nevada Wolf Pack; In South, Air Force Falcons (5-3) is making 31-28 upset victory vs. Washingotn Huskies to lead division.
  • District 8: Despite upset losses, Washington and California remain as leaders of North division; Stanford (8-0, #1 rank) is of course building two-game lead on USC in South division.

BOBBY IS SAD

Here is new sleeping chamber for Bobby, if he is unable to stop crying over Harvard Crimson loss to Chattanooga Choo-Choos in Week 8.

Here is new sleeping chamber for Bobby, if he is unable to stop crying over Harvard Crimson loss to Chattanooga Choo-Choos in Week 8.

Former intern, and now member of staff, Bobby is feeling much despair after pitiful Harvard loss to Chattanooga Mocs. He is crying like small child with broken finger. Is humiliation to watch him feeling of severe pain! Intern Kyle is making simple joke, is sounding funny, naming Mocs with new name “Chattanooga Choo-Choos” and I am even enjoying small smile. But then, Bobby is running to sleeping chamber and slamming hatch door to make loud bang! I am then hearing his crying when I watch him through video monitor system.

But I am feeling pity. I am then giving Bobby important tale of hope for future. I say to him through one-way intercom, “This day, Bobby. Toledo Rockets is like new Yuri Gagarin, flying high in sky as glorious bird of prey. But sometimes next day, Comrade Gagarin is dead.” Bobby is then looking up at camera.

“Victim of wicked plot of American CIA, who is causing crash of experimental MiG jet. Comrade Gagarin is then dead! But CIA is where is many GRADUATES of HARVARD Crimson University is YET WORKING TODAY!”

And I SLAM MICROPHONE INTO TABLE! This is help to Bobby for cope with emotional pain.

Week Six: How Tall Can Tree Grow?

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Here is KGB photograph showing Hyperion, tallest growing American tree. Was very difficult to locate, climb, and burn Commie Football symbol in trunk.

Here is KGB photograph showing Hyperion, tallest growing American tree. Was very difficult to locate, climb, and burn Commie Football symbol in trunk.

FOOTBALL IS GAME, WITH BOTH PHYSICAL AND INTELLIGENCE DIFFICULTY!

Is not coincidence. Top researchers at every American university is working all hours, day and night, to develop superior football playbook. Now, at halfway point of 2015 Commie Football season, result of scientific work is rise to #1 Top Power rank of teams with most power in brains!

STAN

Last week, is ascension of Harvard Crimson to #1 rank on Tier 2 level. After Week Six, is now also Tier 1 football school with superior academic reputation at top of heap. Unbeaten Stanford Cardinal (6-0) is new #1 Top Power rank team, following 56-22 victory vs. Nevada Wolf Pack.

But what is happening to previous #1 rank team, Wolverines of Michigan? Is disaster game, no fan is predicting! Wolverines is falling prey to Memphis Tigers (4-2), who is winning in 32-23 upset, dropping Michigan to #6 rank. Is becoming curious pattern for Memphis, who is making similar upset defeat of then-#1 rank Ole Miss last season. Tigers is now leading weak District 3 South division. Is very good result for team who is playing only on Tier 2 level in 2013 season! Perhaps is too good… if you catch meaning (notify KGB, quiet).

MANY TEARS ACROSS NATION, IS NATURAL

Spoiled American college football fans is making complaint with only three remaining unbeaten teams on Tier 1 level. Fans is accustomed to favorite team being always undefeated halfway into season. This is due to ridiculous easy cupcake games in early weeks. In old system, is easy way for AP Top 25 team to remain unbeaten long into season, creating artificial, unearned excitement when meeting other “ranked” team. In world of Commie Football, with superior schedule system, this is impossible dream! Undefeated season is rare, much like precious Rose Trellis egg.

In Week 6, all teams is playing game vs. opponent from same District (but in opposite division). Here is review of Commie Football action, in this week:

  • District 1: Scarlet Knights of Rutgers (5-1, #13 rank) is teaching WVU painful lesson in 59-45 victory to claim lead of North division; Weak Syracuse (2-4) is upset defeating Penn State (4-2) 38-27, but Nittany Lions is yet retaining lead of South.
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (5-1, #15 rank) is defeating Volunteers of Tennessee 27-10, earning 2-game lead in North division; New Tier 1 team Appalachian State (5-1, #12 rank) is continuing surprise success, defeating Wake Forest 40-21 to remain on top of South.
  • District 3: As is report already, Memphis Tigers (4-2) is shocking top-rank Wolverines (5-1, now drop to #6) in 32-23 upset victory; Defending champion The Ohio State (4-2) is defeating Kentucky 34-18; Michigan State Spartans (4-2) is enjoying 31-19 easy victory vs. Thundering Herd of Marshall.
  • District 4: South Florida Bulls (5-1, #20 rank) is winning much, defeating Ragin’ Cajuns 36-22 to maintain East division lead; Crimson Tide (5-1, #11 rank) is creating too much red water for Gators to swim in 38-25 victory; Tigers of LSU (5-1, #19 rank) is narrow defeating Auburn 31-29, to make tie with Bama for lead in West division.
  • District 5: Notre Dame (5-1) is return to #5 Top Power rank after 48-15 defeat of Kansas State (5-1), who is dropping far from #5 to #17; Hawkeyes of Iowa (5-1, #8 rank) is handing first defeat of season to Northwestern (5-1, #14) by score 40-10; Mizzou (5-1, #9) is defeating Golden Gophers of Minnesota 27-17, to create three-way tie for lead in South division!
  • District 6: Oklahoma State (5-1, #4 rank) is introducing Texas A&M (5-1, #18) to concept of loss in 39-23 win; Sooners of Oklahoma (5-1, #10 rank) is trapping Baylor (4-2, #25) in bear trap in 47-31 victory; Who is having sharpest horn? Horned Frogs of TCU (5-1, #16 rank) is defeating Texas Longhorns 40-22 to claim honor.
  • District 7: Boise State (5-1, #7 rank) is leader of North division after 45-28 victory vs. UTSA; Utah Utes (4-2, #24 rank) is defeating Arizona Wildcats 33-28, is now massive jam of logs in South division with four teams having mediocre 3-3 record.
  • District 8 is rare boasting three top teams (and none with name Duck or Trojan)! Unbeaten Washington Huskies (6-0) is rising to #2 Top Power rank following 31-28 victory vs. USC; Golden Bears of Cal (6-0, #3 rank) is yet unbeaten after 24-21 victory vs. San Diego State Aztecs; And da, da – of course is also Stanford.

CZAR OF TIER 2 IS NERD, ALSO

Here is games with teams in Top 5:

  1. Defending #1 Top Power rank on Tier 2 level in battle of ancient Ivy League rivals, Harvard Crimson (6-0) is remain unbeaten with 40-15 victory over hated Princeton Tigers. Next is
  2. James  Madison Dukes (6-0, #2 rank), who is beating Charlotte 36-17.
  3. Georgia Southern Eagles (6-0) is enjoying delicious 40-21 victory over Terriers of Wofford.
  4. Sneaky McNeese State Cowboys (6-0, #4) is defeating rival from Louisiana SSR, Grambling, by score 31-24.
  5. Bearkats of Sam Houston State (6-0, #5) is winning against Jackson State, 31-26. SHSU is always very sneaky team.

GOOD JOB FOR INTERN

Stanford logo with large pine tree is reminding – is very large tree growing near Emergency Secondary Headquarters, perhaps 100 meters tall. Is much taller than surrounding trees. I am worrying of branch falling in massive ice storm, and possible damage to electric wires. I am sending Intern Kyle to chop down this tree, using only axe and rope. Former intern (now member of staff) Bobby is to assist Kyle, perhaps to hold rope.

This large tree is very beautiful. Will supply much firewood for coming difficult Siberian winter.

Commie Football Will Be There For You, Beginning Next Week

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druzya-banner Is first weekend of 2015 American college football season, but where is Commie Football results?

You are forgetting already! Commie Football season is not begin until Week Two of NCAA football regular season. Why is this? Is because Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation of Commie Football scores. Beginning of 2015 PUACF season is next week. You are finding 2015 season schedule here.

SATELLITE FEED IS JOKE, IS BROKE

Here at Secondary Emergency Headquarters, is having recent problem. After previous intern (now member of staff) Bobby is playing with satellite feed like children’s toy, only video showing on security monitors is episodes of idiot American television program “Friends”. Is playing in endless loop, 24 hours every day!

COLLECT ALL CARDS
(click to make big):

ross-nd
rashel-oregon
monika-bama
chandler-osu
phoebe-texas
joey-fsu

To keep brain from disintegrating into bowl of cold, moldy kasha, I am thinking always of college football while watching tragic love story of Ross and Rashel. Is true to admit, I am learning many things about meaningless capitalist American culture from this show. As example, each character is perfect symbol of American college football program:

  • ROSS GELLER is supposed “smart” character, expert in study of dinosaur era, but unable to find glory in present time. Is dating many women throughout story, but is never able to keep commitment, long-term. Whining is becoming louder each season, like spoiled child having tantrum. Is believing to be superior, but running away when danger is confronting. Ross is FIGHTING IRISH of NOTRE DAME. Bonus: Karol is former wife of Ross, now in relationship with Syuzan, just as USC Trojans is having more healthy relationship with Stanford Cardinal!
  • RASHEL GREEN is always wearing clothing and haircut of latest fashion, attracting much attention. But inside is shallow, like receding waters of Aral Sea. Is gazing always at beautiful reflection in mirror, but becoming panic in stressful situation. Rashel is OREGON DUCKS. Bonus: Rashel is leaving former fiance Barry, just as Oregon is leaving former archrival Washington Huskies! Surplus Bonus: Gunther is loser working in Central Perk kafe, who is having obsession with attractive looks of Rashel. This is Baylor Bears!
  • MONIKA GELLAR is craving competition, becoming aggressive with any slight perception of disrespect. Is also vstrevozhennyy, wanting control in every situation, insisting to only do her way, always. In past, Monika was typical fat American, but now, even when beautiful, is needing to prove superiority always, because is still feeling ugly inside. Monika is ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Bonus: Monika is having on-off relationship with Richard, who is older man set in ways, uninterested in change. Just like Ole Miss Rebels!
  • CHANDELIER BING is living easy life with much money, yet is always making loud, mean joke as defense to feel superior and hide secret hatred of self. Is mere cog in anonymous, capitalist finance corporation. Is also wearing woman’s sweater vest always, which is famous garment of recent popular college football coach. Chandelier is OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Bonus: Chandelier is sometimes running into old girlfriend Janice, who is having loud, annoying voice like braying donkey. This is also Michigan Wolverines!
  • In USSR, FEBA BUFFAY would spend rest of life in psikhiatricheskaya bol’nitsa. Is pretending to be child of flowers, but is former street criminal and drug addict, even now making threat to friends. Is playing rudimentary folk guitar and singing unlistenable song about cat in Central Perk kafe. Presence is making no sense. Drug addict, guitar, cats – is much like American city of Austin, in Texas SSR. Feba is TEXAS LONGHORNS. Bonus: Feba is having twin sister Ursula, who is being cruel and cold, like Siberian winter, to former family members, just like Texas A&M!
  • JOSEF TRIBIANI is typical American male, head filled with kholodets, interested only in eating neighbor’s food and spreading STD disease. Is failing actor, unable to pretend to be anything but idiot. Nonsense saying “How you doin’?” is somehow magic spell to attract next victim. Josef is SEMINOLES OF FLORIDA STATE. Bonus: Josef is having sister named Gina, who is strong of spirit and looking good, but is often bringing shame to family with brash behavior. Is like Miami Hurricanes!

Da, I am also watching few episodes of “Joey” television program (spinoff of “Friends”) to satisfy curiosity about future of Josef Tribbiani. Curiosity is only lasting three, maybe four episodes, maximum.