Is New Czar of American College Football!

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In commemoration of championship 2015 season, fans of Clemson Tigers is adding Commie Football symbol to symbolic Howard's Rock monument.

In commemoration of championship 2015 season, University of Clemson is adding Commie Football logo to symbolic Howard’s Rock monument.

TIER 1 CHAMPION: TIGERS OF CLEMSON!

Pozdravlyayu to Tigers of Clemson, champion of 2015 Commie Football college football season! Clemson is defeating USC Trojans 33-25 in Commie Fiesta Bowl championship game, to end season as final team in hot spotlight of eternal glory.

Result is perhaps different than college football fans is expecting. In corrupt College Football Playoff system, Clemson is losing in championship game to Alabama Crimson Tide. But in world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide (9-3, #10) is not qualifying for playoffs! Bama loss to Ole Miss (9-3, #6) in Week 2 is later handing division title and playoff invitation to Rebels at end of season. Clemson is then defeating Ole Miss in playoffs, Round 2 on path to eternal glory, despite mediocre offense (#31) and defense (#22) rankings!

In village of Tuscaloosa, this is tragedy… yet every other village in America is very happy with this result. Is many more surprising results to read in final 2015 Standings.

MYSTERIES OF SUPERCOMPUTER

Is unusual finding of Soviet supercomputer. Despite championship game victory, Clemson is yet finishing season as #2 Top Power rank! Advanced supercomputer algorithm is placing Oklahoma Sooners (13-2) as #1 rank team, despite loss to Clemson in Round 3 playoff game. Is small, meaningless honor for Oklahoma, perhaps good fact for propaganda poster to attract new football recruits. Top Power rank is complex mathematical calculation, and supercomputer is unburdened by weak human emotion.

But is no celebration this day in Norman, Oklahoma SSR. Only in village of Clemson, South Carolina SSR is brief celebratory gathering permitted. There, as reward for successful season, one bottle of good Sovetskoye Shampanskoye is flowing clear and plentiful, like Volga River.

For USC Trojans (12-4, #3), long, unexpected good season is yet having very sad ending, like Tolstoy novel. Following loss to Florida State in Week One, USC is defeating strong division opponents UCLA and Stanford, and collecting enough victories to make playoffs. There, Trojans is utilizing #8-rank offense to avenge regular season losses to both Washington Huskies and Fighting Irish of Notre Dame on surprise path to championship game. Perhaps is not enough strength remaining to win final battle? Perhaps Trojan armor is having small hole, which enemy is exploiting?  

Southern Miss Eagles is proving superior to San Jose State to claim Tier 2 championship.

Southern Miss To The Top!… of Tier 2 level after defeat of Spartans of San Jose State.

TIER 2 CHAMPION: GOLDEN EAGLES OF SOUTHERN MISS

But Clemson is not only new champion team of America college football! Southern Miss Golden Eagles (15-1, #1 rank) is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Spartans of San Jose State 43-32 in battle between #1 and #5 offenses on Tier 2 level.

Southern Miss is losing first game of season to weak Eastern Washington team, but is then executing difficult task of winning all remaining games – 15 total, including playoff victory over powerful WKU – to seize championship glory! Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season.

Spartans of San Jose State (13-2, #2), despite Week Nine loss to division rival UNLV, is making overall impressive season to become second consecutive T2/District 8 representative in championship game.

Is unfortunate situation, but due to ration, supply of Sovetskoye Shampanskoye is limited. Only South Carolina SSR is receiving one bottle. Fans in Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR is permitted to drink water from Leaf River, infused with bubbles from military air compressor. One liter each, maximum.

Our work has only begun. In our time we have an historic opportunity to shape a global balance of power that favors freedom and that will therefore deepen and extend the peace. And I use the word power broadly, because even more important than military and indeed economic power is the power of ideas, the power of compassion, and the power of hope.
I’m very glad my mother didn’t let me quit piano lessons at age 10. She said I wasn’t old enough or good enough to make that decision, and she was right. I remember at the time I was shocked. I did not like that my mother said those things to me. But when I got a chance to play with Yo-Yo Ma or more recently with Aretha Franklin, I thought, I’m really glad she said what she did.

SEASON IS COMPLETE. WHAT IS NOW PLAN?

Now is beginning of long college football offseason. But is not meaning is time for lazy American, sitting on fat yagoditsy, thinking only of taking perfect profile photo on VKontakte social website! (This is subtle message, intending for Bobby.)

Is yet much work to do to prepare for 2016 season! First is promotion and relegation, then necessary realignment on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels, and last is creation of new 2016 Commie Football schedule

Da, supercomputer is also requiring of critical repairs. Is complex pipe network inside supercomputer, to make cold environment, like Siberia just before dawn. Computer power is very hot. Is making big enough heat to supply entire interior of Emergency Secondary Headquarters! Including for hot tub of Bobby (there is other secret hot tub in complex, I am never showing to Bobby).

But if heat is too great, critical components of supercomputer is melting into puddle, like Kolka Glacier, due to recent global warming, due to necessary Soviet nuclear missile training and testing.

When Sibirskiye iris is beginning summer bloom, Intern Kyle is ending internship. Is difficult work to coordinate secret airlift for departure. Location is very remote. I am beginning this paperwork process soon, perhaps tomorrow. First step is requiring completion of webform on Internet, which I am asking Bobby to do. Is unusual. Bobby is completing this task very quickly….

Tier 2 Playoffs: Spear is Puncturing Rocket, Causing Malfunction

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Here is photo of Soviet missile defense system Southern Miss Eagles is using against attack of Toledo Rockets.

University of Southern Miss is spending many rubles on construction of missile defense system, in expectation of attack from Toledo Rockets. But is ineffective in fighting Spartan. Now, is useless, and yet student is having to pay special tax!

Like brutal Battle of Stalingrad, each new Commie Football season is war of attrition. Superior schedule matrix is meaning no team is ever playing weak, cupcake opponent from lower-tier school! And when is team enjoying relaxing, lazy American tradition of “bye week” during season? NEVER!  Each game is yet one battle in vicious, season-long war! Is impossible to win all! Only very strongest teams from each District is winning enough to advance to playoffs, and there must fight to death, four more strong opponents on path to eternal championship glory!

Following relegation after bad 2012 season on Tier 1 level, Southern Miss Eagles is landing in same division as Tulane Green Wave. Tulane is easy crushing Eagles in both 2013 and 2014 regular seasons. But now, is 2015. Tulane is moving to new District during off-season realignment, allowing Golden Eagles to gain strength enough to finally defeat rival Green Wave in Week 11 victory.

This week, is rematch of brutal enemies. Could Southern Miss again defeat Green Wave of Tulane? You are knowing this, now.

Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR
Final Score: Southern Miss 44, Tulane 26
Notes: Like powerful-yet-lightweight paper towel (invention of Soviet science during Great Patriotic War) Southern Miss (14-1, #1) is fully absorbing Green Wave of Tulane, like scum from surface of stagnant ozero, and then wringing out, into backyard stochnaya truba, to eliminate from 2015 Tier 2 championship chase! Tulane (10-5, #8) is having good season, even better than 2014, but is perhaps already expending too much of own wave energy during upset defeat of Georgia Southern last week. Next question is this – can Southern Miss Eagles fulfill destiny and win Tier 2 championship game next week?

Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Toledo, Ohio SSR
Final Score: San Jose State 34, Toledo 33
Notes: Like true warriors of ancient Sparta, where every citizen is member of military, Spartans of San Jose State (13-2, #2) is making successful invasion of enemy Ohio SSR territory, winning difficult victory by single point of spear, to advance to championship game and eternal glory, maybe! SJSU is having almost as powerful offense (#4 rank) as Southern Miss (#1), but Spartans defense (#40) is superior to USM (#54). Can San Jose State rise up to fight greatest battle of season versus powerful Southern Miss, or will Spartans experience another Battle of Leuctra?

Uggghh… forgot about all the stupid “incident reports” I have to fill out! Type, type, type! I asked Georgy if I could go BACK into the interrogation chamber and just like, hang out there instead of having to do this paperwork, but he said he changed the passcode.
Dude. Whatever was in that hyperbaric sleep chamber gas? I keep thinking I’m seeing Condoleezza Rice walking around this place, and it’s wigging me out.

WHO IS WINNING FINAL BATTLE OF 2015 SEASON? WILL EAGLE FLY HIGH IN SKY, OR WILL SPARTAN IMPALE WITH SPEAR?

On one hand, eagle is having very sharp talons, for ripping and shredding meat of prey. Attack is coming swift from above, tearing into critical areas, such as eyes, and brain. Once prey is on ground, eagle is then striking with sharp beak into chest, ripping out heart and eating in view of victim, who is yet breathing and conscious for many seconds.

On other hand, Spartan warrior is mindless machine of killing, training from very young age how to throw spear with great accuracy, and use sword to impale enemy, without mercy or hesitation. If bleeding victim is then begging for mercy, Spartan is immediately thrusting sword again through heart and/or brain, to ensure quick death. Then Spartan is searching for next enemy victim.

Tier 2 Playoffs: Eagle Is Not Swimming Bird

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Green Wave Hits Statesboro!

Here is recent photo showing town of Statesboro, home to University of Georgia Southern, in American Georgia SSR. Damage to town is because of giant GREEN WAVE OF TULANE!

In former United States, eagle is most important animal. Da, is very large bird. Da, is beautiful to sight. But many Americans think this is superior, most powerful creature. But American eagle is having one critical weakness – this bird is unable to swim in water!

Georgia Southern (12-2, #2 Top Power rank) is learning this difficult lesson, in Tier 2/Round 2 playoff game, drowning in 34-27 defeat to avantyura Green Wave of Tulane!

In next Round 3, is yet another Eagle come to fight dangerous water of Tulane Green Wave! But this time, opponent is #1 Top Power rank Southern Miss Eagles!

But that is next week. Behold! ROUND 2 results of 2015 Tier 2 playoffs:

r2-t2-1v8Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR
Final Score: Southern Miss 63, South Dakota State 33
Notes: Little South Dakota State (9-5, #16) is display much vigor, but is no match for #1-rank offense of Eagles. Southern Miss is swooping down from sky, like MiG fighter jet, grabbing Jackrabbits of South Dakota State with strong claws, like iron, then lifting high into sky, then dropping from great height to cold, hard earth. Then USM is again swooping and lifting, to again drop to ground from high in sky, until Jackrabbits is dead. Then USM is feasting. Then perhaps removing pelt for warmth in cold, Siberian winter. Eagles is next facing Green Wave of Tulane (of District 7) in rematch of Week Eleven. Will Southern Miss again prevail? Or this time, will Green Wave drown Eagle?

r2-t2-2v7

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Statesboro, American Georgia SSR
Final Score: Tulane 34, Georgia Southern 27
Notes: For second season consecutive, Georgia Southern Eagles (12-2, #2) is entering Round 2 of Tier 2 playoffs ranked #2 Top Power, playing on home field against opponent with weaker offense and defense rank! But for second season, is visitor team claiming upset victory! Da, 9-4 season record is not impressive, but Tulane is also District champion for two seasons consecutive! Playing in playoff game is familiar experience, like eating small bowl of mama homemade pokhlebka. But will Green Wave be enough water to drown Eagles of Southern Miss (of District 4) dead like Eagles of Georgia Southern (who is yet #2 Top Power rank, despite loss)?

r2-t2-3v6

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: Toledo, Ohio SSR
Final Score: Toledo 40, Villanova 18
Notes: Villanova (10-4, #9) is having #4-rank defense, but is not enough to prevent #19 offense of Toledo to always hit target in end zone with barrage of rockets. Can Rockets again fly high like Yuri Gagarin, and make true promise of glory from early in season? Is only one way to find out – Soviet supercomputer is deciding. Rockets is next facing Spartans of San Jose State (of District 8) in semifinal Round 3.

r2-t2-4v5

Game: Tier 2 Quarterfinal
Location: San Jose, California SSR
Final Score: San Jose State 48, James Madison 33
Notes: Both teams is possessing top-ten offenses, and both is spending many weeks of regular season in top ten of Top Power rankings.  But is only ticket for one team to Round 3 of Tier 2 playoffs. Perhaps due to advantage of home stadion, San Jose State is putting up many points on weak JMU defense (#57 rank). Spartans is next playing similar blue-and-yellow team, with weaker offense, but stronger defense. Can Spartan, fighting with only sword and shield, protect self from Toledo Rockets (of District 5) attack? Round 3 of playoffs is deciding.

ROUND 3 OF PLAYOFFS IS FINAL 4!

Here is schedule for Round 3 semifinals of Tier 2 playoffs:

  • (1) Southern Miss (13-1, #1) vs.
    (7) Tulane (10-4, #8)
  • (3) Toledo (12-2, #3) vs.
    (4) San Jose State (12-2, #4)

Is good semifinal schedule. Is shame #2 seed Georgia Southern Eagles is drowning in loss. But do not feel sad. Many Tier 2 teams is possible for promotion to Tier 1 next season, even if losing in playoffs. Is also possible for champion team, like 2013 North Texas Mean Green, to not qualify for promotion, if fans is not mandatory attending football game in sufficient numbers.

Tier 2 Playoffs: Big Red Pool of Blood!

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In District 4 Championship game, #2-rank Southern Miss Eagles is defeating #1-rank Western Kentucky 44-40. Is second time USM is defeating WKU this season.

In District 4 Championship game, #2-rank Southern Miss Eagles is defeating #1-rank Western Kentucky 44-40. Is second time USM is defeating WKU this season!

EAGLE IS REACHING HIGHER ALTITUDE THAN HILLTOP

Most exciting of all Commie Football Round 1 playoff games is perhaps Tier 2/District 4 Championship, where #1 Top Power rank Western Kentucky Hilltoppers – the team almost winning Tier 2 championship last season, then receiving snub instead of promotion to Tier 1 level during offseason – is on KGB mission for all 2015 season to destroy each opponent on path to championship glory! Is destiny, da?

But is one bump in road – loss to Southern Miss Eagles in Week 6 is preventing perfect season. Now look at this – Eagles is finishing regular season also with 11-1 record, and is now Top Power #2 rank. And this is opponent who WKU is meeting again, to make REVENGE this time, in Tier 2/District 4 Championship game!

But in this game, which many fan is considering to be true championship of entire Tier 2 level, it is Southern Miss Eagles (12-1, #1) defeating Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (11-2, #3) by score 44-40, to prove to world who is true, new czar of Tier 2 college football!

At least for one week. World shall see how Southern Miss is performing in Round 2 of playoffs (see schedule and entire scoreboard here). In meanwhile…

Here is results of ROUND 1 of 2015 Tier 2 playoffs:

District: 1
Location: Villanova, Pennsylvania SSR
Final Score: Villanova 33, Harvard 17
Notes: Both teams is possessing ferocious defense, and Harvard is displaying brains and brawn both when reaching #1 rank for three weeks during regular season. Yet it is Villanova who is ultimate winner of District 1 title (win is avenging loss to UMass last season). Harvard is maybe taking football lesson from weakling Bobby! Wildcat #3-rank defense is primary source of hope in Round 2 vs. powerful Toledo Rockets (of T2/District 5).

 

District: 2
Location: Harrisonburg, Virginia SSR
Final Score: James Madison 38, North Carolina A&T 20
Notes: With superiority on both sides of football, James Madison is defeating Aggies to claim crown of T2/District 2. NCAT is never reaching to top ten Top Power ranking, despite many wins in difficult season schedule. In end, good NCAT defense (#17 rank) is unable to contain more-good JMU #10-rank offense. But now Dukes is next playing powerful San Jose State (from T2/District 8 on other side of continent) in Round 2.

 

District: 3
Location: Statesboro, GA
Final Score: Georgia Southern 42, South Carolina State 6
Notes: Georgia Southern is winning second District 3 title consecutive, in destruction of SCSU, who is unprepared like Poland in year 1939. Eagles is possessing perhaps greatest balance of offense (#7) and defense (#2) on Tier 2 level, and is playing most of season with top ten Top Power ranking. Is too much for good, but less, #13-rank defense of Bulldogs. Only loss for GSU this season is Week 7 to strong FAU (9-3, #16). Is GSU perhaps thinking already about Southern Miss? Is best to concentrate first on Round 2 opponent, Tulane Green Wave (of T2/District 7)!

 

District: 4
Location: Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR
Final Score: Southern Miss 44, Western Kentucky 40
Notes: Why is Southern Miss entering game as lower #2 rank, when is already defeating WKU in Week Six, and spending two weeks in middle of season as #1 rank? Is due to complex algorithm of Soviet supercomputer, which is perhaps penalizing USM for Week One loss to eventual weakling Eastern Washington (2-10). This disrespect, even from machine, is fueling Eagles #1-rank offense to victory, now screaming like MiG fighter jet again to #1 Top Power rank, before Round 2 game vs. Jackrabbits of South Dakota State (of T2/District 6).

 

District: 5
Location: Toledo, Ohio SSR
Final Score: Toledo 33, Akron 21
Notes: Rockets is continue impressive season, climbing entire distance to #1 Top Power rank after Week Eight, only to burn in atmosphere like Mir space station in Week Nine 78-19 decimation by archrival Bowling Green. In meantime, Akron is stumbling into playoffs from weak South division on four-game win streak, like drunken gambler, but Zips is never making even to top 25 in Top Power ranking entire season! Steady Toledo Rockets attack is defeating jumping Zips, who is saying always “Fear the Roo” but nobody in world is fearing! Is silly kangaroo! Toledo is facing Villanova Wildcats (of T2/District 1) in Round 2 of playoffs.

 

District: 6
Location: Carbondale, Illinois SSR
Final Score: South Dakota State 44, Southern Illinois 38
Notes: In shock upset, #7-defense of Jackrabbits is slowing down #9-offense of Salukis for victory by small margin. SIU is old power, returning to Tier 2 playoffs for first time since 2012, always ranking high in Top Power during this season, but South Dakota State is hopping quiet through tall prairie grass during season, only to wait for sudden ambush of resting dog in district championship game! But will this ambush strategy work in fight vs. high-flying, #1 rank Southern Miss Eagles (of T2/District 4) in Round 2, next week?

 

District: 7
Location: Lake Charles, Louisiana SSR
Final Score: Tulane 62, McNeese State 22
Notes: With 11-1 record and already defeating in Week Five, McNeese is perhaps thinking Green Wave is easy opponent. But in perhaps most surprise upset game during first round, #13-offense of Tulane is bringing shame to #6-defense of McNeese, placing 62 points on scoreboard! Because of weak, last-place schedule (due to bad 2014 season), Cowboys is taking easy path to playoffs, while Tulane – making third appearance, consecutive in playoffs (and each year in different District due to realignment!) – is fighting way through most difficult schedule on Tier 2 level to AGAIN advance to Round 2! But is bad luck that opponent this year is powerful Georgia Southern Eagles (of T2/District 3).

 

District: 8
Location: San Jose, California SSR
Final Score: San Jose State 36, Wyoming 23
Notes: Wyoming is example of team reaching peak performance too soon in season, but is then losing 3 of final 4 games, to include District 8 Championship to San Jose State, who is using #5 offense to overwhelm soft Cowboys defense, like hot bayonet in warm maslo. SJSU is next to meet James Madison (naming for former leader of ancient American regime, from Tier 2/District) in Round 2 of Tier 2 playoffs. This is many twos.

Georgy’s letting me write my report from the interrogation chamber. I have no clue how many days we’ve been “accidentally locked” in here, but I’m bored as hell, Kyle’s asleep like, 18 hours a day, and the bathroom situation is getting WAAAAY, way gross in here.
Hey. It’s Bobby again. All Kyle’s doing right now is like, snoring and sort of… I dunno… twitching? Every few minutes. And always drooling. So much. It’s like, running down the drain in the floor in the center of the cell.

PREPARE FOR ROUND 2 OF TIER 2 PLAYOFFS

Here is schedule for Tier 2/Round 2 playoffs:

  • (1) Southern Miss (12-1, #1) vs.
    (8) South Dakota State (9-4, #16)
  • (2) Georgia Southern (12-1, #2) vs.
    (7) Tulane (9-4, #10)
  • (3) Toledo (11-2, #4) vs.
    (6) Villanova (10-3, #8)
  • (4) San Jose State (11-2, #5) vs.
    (5) James Madison (11-2, #6)

Look at this schedule. Then, wipe drool from mouth.

I am telling this, always, to Bobby, because Intern Kyle is having disgusting drool running like water from mouth, when sleeping. I am hoping to find passcode to unlock interrogation chamber in few days. More priority is routine-but-critical maintenance necessary on plumbing system, attached to cooling mechanism inside supercomputer. Is taking one person… three or four days, maximum, to fix.