True College Football Champion is Yet Unidentified

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Putin is again winning Heisman Trophy.

Putin is again winning Heisman Trophy.

You are thinking that Alabama Crimson Tide is winning national championship game over Clemson to finish exciting 2015 season?

NYET! This is incorrect. In truth, inferior College Football Playoff is mere “warming up” to primary event – Commie Football Playoff! And in world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide is not making playoffs, due to second-place finish behind Ole Miss in District 4 West standings. For first time since 2012 season, is impossible for having exact same Commie Football champion… as in corrupt NCAA system. 

Why is this? In inferior CFP system, to determine champion is only tiny, 4-team playoff. Commie Football is making strong argument in vintage blog post for expansion of college football playoff to include more teams. This plan is requiring improved organization and schedule formula to make fair for all college football teams. Only then, can fans of winning team enjoy moment of true, pure ekstaz of champion, before return to work in mining operation, munitions factory, or agricultural collective.

In processor of Commie Football supercomputer, is 16 teams now in hunt for eternal championship glory! Two representatives from each 8 geographic Districts compete in first round of playoffs (which is District Championship game).

Behold! You are now seeing Round 1 results of 2015 playoffs:

r1-t1-d1District: 1
Location: East Rutherford, NJ
Final Score: West Virginia 26, Connecticut 24
Notes: Is successful season already for mediocre Mountaineers, who is finally seizing South division title from usual winner Penn State in final week of regular season. Now seeking revenge against Huskies due to embarrassing 37-19 loss in Week Five, WVU is proving to UConn (and entire world!) who is new czar of District 1. Is true, District 1 is historical weak district. Mountaineers is now winning five games consecutive, but is facing most difficult test in Round 2 playoff game vs. powerful Fighting Irish of Notre Dame (of District 5).

r1-t1-d2

District: 2
Location: Charlotte, NC
Final Score: Clemson 43, Duke 24
Notes: Tigers is defeating Duke for second time this season (first victory was Week Ten), climbing now to top ten Top Power ranking for first time in entire season. In world of Commie Football, Clemson offense/defense rank is unimpressive, but Tigers is winning games when is critical for advancement, so is now on to Round 2 of of playoffs vs. Ole Miss Rebels (of District 4).

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District: 3
Location: Nashville, TN
Final Score: Memphis 26, Michigan 25
Notes: Clemson is not only Tiger in playoff, as miracle Memphis Tigers is surprising world again, defeating Michigan for second time in season (also Week Six) to complete glorious rise to top of District 3. How is happen? #9-rank offense of Tigers is proving superior to #9-rank defense of Wolverines, by only one point. For Michigan, humiliation is great – Wolverines were #1 Top Power rank for two weeks early in season, but now is return home to Michigan SSR with wolverine claws ripped out of paw, like common only-in-house-living kitten. But celebration in Memphis is brief, for Tigers is now to face #1 Top Power rank Oklahoma Sooners (of District 6) in Round 2.

r1-t1-d4

District: 4
Location: Tampa, FL
Final Score: Ole Miss 37, South Florida 26
Notes: Rebels of Ole Miss is now winning second District 4 championship, consecutive. Is this true upset victory? Da, USF is having higher Top Power rank before game, and da, Bulls is already defeating Ole Miss in Week Ten. But USF schedule is soft, like warm, spreading maslo! Ole Miss, despite unusual losses to USF, Miami, and Arkansas during regular season, is playing schedule of defending division champion, which is making better prepared for ultimate playoff battle! Round 2 is bringing Clemson Tigers (of District 2) into arena!

r1-t1-d5District: 5
Location: Chicago, IL
Final Score: Notre Dame 27, Iowa 25
Notes: After loss to Wisconsin in District 5 Championship last season, Hawkeyes is raising new expectation of fans, losing only one game during 2015 regular season. Notre Dame is also losing in first round, District 3 championship last season. But Week Five victory vs. Iowa, who is playing weak schedule, is now proving prophecy, when Fighting Irish is now seizing District 5 championship game! With good offense (#19) and defense (#17) balance, Irish is proving too steady, like Soviet ballistic missile, for #8-defense of Iowa, who is returning players to off-season labor in massive corn-processing collective. Notre Dame is advancing to Round 2 of playoffs vs. West Virginia Mountaineers (of District 1).

r1-t1-d6

District: 6
Location: Dallas, TX
Final Score: Oklahoma 35, Houston 23
Notes: Top-rank Sooners is having much experience of playoffs, winning District 7 championship last season.  Oklahoma is now boasting of title in new district (due to realignment in off-season), following easy victory vs. Cougars of Houston. With #1-offense on Tier 1, Sooners is now #1 Top Power rank for five weeks, consecutive. Only imperfection during season is Week Two loss to rival Oklahoma State, but Cowboys is losing division race and is missing playoffs. One time climbing to #10 Top Power rank, Houston Cougars is losing three of final four games, including in Week Ten already to OU, as well as lowly UTEP in Week Twelve! Sooners is now facing feisty Memphis Tigers (of District 3) in Round 2… who is having history of shocking upset victories.

r1-t1-d7

District: 7
Location: Glendale, AZ
Final Score: Utah 31, Air Force 23
Notes: With now six-game win streak, Utah Utes is finally climbing to #10 Top Power rank, to accompany #10-defense rank. But, Utes is also playing very weak schedule – is this mask of weakness? Utah fans will know after Round 2 playoff game vs. USC Trojans (of District 8). For Air Force Falcons, is yet feeling of honor to be champion of weak South division. Highlight of season is upset victory over then-#9 Top Power rank Washington Huskies in Week 8.

r1-t1-d8

District: 8
Location: San Jose, CA
Final Score: USC 36, Washington 21
Notes: In competitive Week Six game, unbeaten Washington is defeating USC, but now in District 8 Championship, Trojans is tasting revenge! Finally, is erase bad memory of losing to Oregon last season in title game! Trojans is building steam cloud, like locomotive, all season with #6-rank offense and difficult schedule. For Washington, is much frustration as very good Huskies offense (#14) and defense (#13) is now only to work in off-season log-cutting factory. USC is facing Utah Utes (of District 7) in Round 2 of playoff.

IS NATURAL TO WANT MORE. BUT ROUND 1 IS NOT YET FINISH!

In one day, perhaps two – after I am finding passcode to open lock on interrogation chamber where Bobby and Intern Kyle is trapped – Commie Football supercomputer is calculating first round of Tier 2 playoffs, which is identical in organization to Tier 1.

Next week is results for Round 2 of playoffs (both Tier 1 and 2) when advancing teams is seeded 1-to-8, based on most recent Top Power rank. Highest-seed team is playing lowest-seed team, like common-sense tournament. As tribute to ancient era, seven remaining playoff games is played in traditional bowl game location: [from east to west: Orange (Florida SSR), Peach (Georgia SSR), Sugar (Louisiana SSR), Cotton (Texas SSR), Fiesta (Arizona SSR), Rose (California SSR), and Aloha (Hawaii SSR)]. Higher-seed team in matchup is choosing location for each game.

Here is Round 2 schedule (for Tier 1):

  • (1) Oklahoma (12-1, #1) vs. (8) Memphis (9-4, #15) – Cotton Bowl
  • (2) Notre Dame (10-3, #3) vs. (7) West Virginia (9-4, #14) – Orange Bowl
  • (3) USC (10-3, #4) vs. (6) Utah (10-3, #9) – Rose Bowl
  • (4) Ole Miss (10-3, #5) vs. (5) Clemson (10-3, #8) – Sugar Bowl

Sooners is choosing to make shortest trip, only to Dallas in Texas SSR, but is also not far for Memphis Tigers. If leaving today by wagon, team will arrive in time for game. Bowls of Peach, Aloha, and Fiesta is remaining playoff game locations.

Week 12: In St. Boz, All of Sooner Nation is Trusting

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St. Boz

Many fans of Oklahoma Sooners is making prayer to holy painting of St. Boz before victory in final game of regular season over Tulsa Golden Hurricane.

REGULAR SEASON IS FINISH

Upon completion of exciting Week 12 schedule, 2015 Commie Football regular season is reaching conclusion. Every fan is now restless with anticipation for Commie Football playoff, when 16 teams is entering tournament to determine true champion of American college football.

Is seeming only short time ago when Buckeyes of Ohio State is defeating Oregon Ducks 42-20 for 2014 championship (da, final result is same as in CFP system). In final week of 2015 regular season, defending champion Ohio State (8-4, #17 rank) is demonstrating difficulty of championship repeat, as Buckeyes is falling to Michigan State Spartans (9-3, #11) by 34-29 score, which is cruel to both, as this result is handing District 3 North division title to hated Michigan Wolverines (9-3, #10)!

Commie Football is world in which superior organization and schedule is producing interesting, unexpected result! Entire realm of American college football can only guess who new, true champion will become!

In meanwhile, drama in District 6 is reaching resolution, as top-ranked Oklahoma Sooners (11-1, #1) is making fresh farsh of little brother Tulsa Golden Hurricane (3-9) in 63-22 victory, to claim North division title over Oklahoma State Cowboys (10-2, #4), and for this reward – an invitation to District 6 Championship game against South division champion, Houston Cougars (8-4, #23).

At this time, you are forgetting about 80 teams not making to playoffs. Teams is now dead, like Trotsky! Think as if these teams is never existing, like American sasquatch (this is not same as yeti of Siberia, which is true living there). Is never too many bowl games with losing-record teams and corporation sponsor named after fruit!

YOU ARE READY FOR TRUE, BEST PLAYOFF SYSTEM, DA?

In korrumpirovanny College Football Playoff system, true opportunity for championship glory is for four teams, only. Teams is winning popularity beauty contest, ruled by alluring Condoleezza Rice. Many is killing and dying in argument over who is 4th best team in country! In superior Commie Football playoff system, is 16 TEAMS in hunt for title! And best yet, because of system of geographic Districts, football fans in every corner of country is having nearby hound in championship hunt!

Here is quick review of Commie Football playoff:

  1. 16 teams (from each Tier) is making to Round 1. Division winners is facing other Division winner from same District in District Championship game.
  2. In Round 2, eight District Champions is playing one another in seeded, single-elimination tournament to determine new champion.
  3. Round 3, is four teams left.
  4. National Championship Game

Is best system to find true champion! All must travel difficult 16-game schedule (12 regular season, then four playoff rounds) to seek ultimate championship glory!

CONTENDERS FOR CHAMPIONSHIP GLORY

TIER 1 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:CONN vs. WVU
District 2:DUKE vs. CLEM
District 3:MICH vs.
MEMP
District 4:USF vs. MISS
District 5:ND vs.
IOWA
District 6:OKLA vs. UH
District 7:UTAH vs.
USAF
District 8:WASH vs. USC
Georgy told me I could say something about the Tier 1 playoffs, since Yale like, totally blew it on Tier 2 this season, and I stopped paying attention a while back (yeah, yeah – but I know they lost to Harvard this week, whatevs). I don’t really know what to say about Tier 1. I mean, at least UConn’s representing the same state, but who’s fooling who? Yale might even be able to beat UConn, looking at their offensive rating.

Here is information for which all college football fans is waiting with much patience. All Tier 1 division winner teams is traveling to District Championship Game (a.k.a. Round 1 of Commie Football playoffs):

  • District 1: Connecticut Huskies (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia Mountaineers (8-4, #21) – In weak District 1, mediocre 8-4 record is enough to win both division titles! UConn is previous defeating WVU 37-19 long time ago in Week Five, but is now lower in Top Power ranking, with very bad 71st rank offense! But, is ferocious 3rd rank defense carrying Huskies into playoffs. WVU is flying below national radar, like MiG fighter jet, but is ending season with 4-game win streak, including high-pressure final week 43-11 defeat of Penn State (7-5) to seize division!
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson Tigers (9-3, #13) – Duke is winning final two games of regular season to remain one step ahead of North Carolina Tar Heels (8-4, #18) in standings, despite mediocre, 51st rank offense. Who is responsible for Blue Devils most recent loss? Why, is Clemson in Week Ten! Tigers is also possessing unexciting offense (47th) and defense (27th) output, but is playing overall more difficult schedule than Duke, requiring three victories at end of season to remain ahead of surprise sweetheart of America team, Appalachian State (8-4, #30)!
  • District 3: Michigan Wolverines (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis Tigers (8-4, #26) – Wolverines was #1 Top Power rank team for two weeks consecutive early in season, but is then making stumbles, including losses to Indiana Hoosiers (7-5), Ohio State (8-4), and opponent in championship, Memphis Tigers in Week Six. Tigers is clinching weak South division early on strength of lightning, 9th rank offense, despite strange losses to weak teams such as Vanderbilt (5-7) and Louisiana Tech (5-7).
  • District 4: South Florida Bulls (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss Rebels (9-3, #7) – Miracle USF is perhaps most surprise team of season. With good-enough offense (25th) and strong defense (10th), Bulls is going 4-1 in loaded East division, losing only to Florida State (8-4, #15) in entire District! This is including Week Ten victory over Ole Miss, who is making return appearance to playoffs. Defense (24th) is perhaps not as good as last season, but offense (16th) is making pleasant humming sound, winning division on strength of Week Two victory over Crimson Tide of Alabama (9-3, #8).
  • District 5: Notre Dame Fighting Irish (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa Hawkeyes (11-1, #2) – First season in new district is lucky for Irish, who is falling no lower than #18 Top Power rank during entire season, clinching division early so that 35-28 loss to Wisconsin Badgers (8-4, #16) in final game of season is of no importance. Good balance of offense (17th) and defense (15th), and very difficult schedule is making Irish true contender. Hawkeyes is making return to playoffs, this time as top contender with very strong defense (5th), losing only one game in Week Five to… uh oh, it was to Irish!
  • District 6: Oklahoma Sooners (11-1, #1) vs. Houston Cougars (8-4, #23) – Sooners is making return appearance to playoffs, but from different District. Top-rank offense is ensuring many victories with 46 points/game on average. Only loss is in Week Two to “Bedlam” rival Oklahoma State (10-2, #4), who is sad staying home. Houston is losing first two games of season, then exploding with 6th rank offense to win four games in division, including Baylor Bears (7-5). Close Week Ten loss to Oklahoma is giving Cougars hope of victory on second attempt!
  • District 7: Utah Utes (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force Falcons (8-4, #29) – 12th rank defense of Utah is smothering opponents as Utah is winning final five games of season. But this is first meeting of season with Air Force, who is surprise champion of weak South division, playing steady for most part except in embarrassing 71-31 loss to Texas Tech (5-7) in final game of season. How is this score possible for playoff team?
  • District 8: Washington Huskies (9-3, #9) vs. USC Trojans (9-3, #6) – Huskies is having very powerful offense (13th) and defense (11th), defeating USC in Week Six, but then experiencing strange mid-season spell of losing immediately after. Trojans is requiring dramatic final week victory over Stanford Cardinal (8-4, #19) to take South division and return to playoffs.

Later in week is official revealing of all 16 Tier 2 playoff teams. (In meantime, here is hint – Week 12 standings, scoreboard, and Top Power rankings is providing necessary information to know ultimate fate of Tier 2 regular season and playoff lineup. Please keep as secret.)

Week Two: Fear & Confusion!

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putin-confusedIn early weeks of new American college football season, many fan is visiting Commie Football website and seeing surprise upset defeat of strong team by seeming weak team. Is causing fear and confusion. Why is this result? Is part because strong team (such as defending champion Ohio State Buckeyes) is yet experiencing hangover from too much celebratory shampanskoye and is playing sloppy football in early games of new season. But is also part because Commie Football supercomputer is penalizing strong team who is scheduling weak, cupcake opponent from different Tier for automatic win!

MISS_2015

In celebration of Week Two 43-37 victory over hated rival, Crimson Tide of Alabama, Ole Miss is making official, permanent change from dark blue to light blue helmet color, which is reminding of beautiful reflection of Siberian sky in still waters of Lake Baikal.

You are seeing this happen in Week Two of Commie Football season, when seeming strong team such as Oregon Ducks is falling like Berlin in 1945 to weak Washington State Cougars, by score 36-29! Auburn Tigers is also losing to weak Bulls of South Florida, by score 31-28! Once mighty Louisville Cardinals is losing to seeming weak Red Wolves of Arkansas State (who is ironic having strongest nickname in college football), by score 28-15! Weak American military preparatory school Army Black Knights is somehow finding strength to defeat District 1 bully Boston College Eagles by low score of 14-8!

Is Soviet supercomputer technology broken? Nyet, comrade. Many game scores is meeting fan expectation, with few surprise twist!

In Commie Football, superior organization and schedule matrix is making for more difficult journey to championship glory for all teams. Only true strongest team is able to conquer 12 regular season plus four playoff games without losing at least one game. After only two weeks of new season, is only 25 of 96 teams on Tier 1 level yet unbeaten! In NCAA, is seeming every FBS team “unbeaten” with two or three cupcake opponent in fat, pig stomach!

So I’m helping Georgy run his score calculations, and he goes, “What is this?” and mutters something in Russian (first I’ve heard him speak in days, btw). Then he says “Yale Bulldogs is losing in both week one and week two, first to Central Arkansas, then to Ivy League rival Brown.” What can I say, man? First off – I’m not there to help out, so those losses aren’t mine. Second – I can’t help it if Yale gets penalized for scheduling Cornell and Colgate (“Tier 3″ teams, according to Georgy). I mean, Harvard scheduled Rhode Island, so it’s not like they’re booking top-flight non-Ivy competition, you know? Season’s still young, dude – nobody’s panicking!

I guess Harvard is like, totally crushing Yale in the Commie Football standings so far. You’d think I’d brag about it more – you know, higher U.S. News & World Report ranking, higher average ACT/SAT/AP scores for incoming freshmen, higher Commie Football ranking – I mean, Harvard’s pretty much better than Yale in all measurable statistical categories, right? Thing is, I’m still a little bit hurt about begin expelled, so I’m having some mixed feelings right now about The Yard. I mean, in some ways I still bleed Crimson. Then again… don’t we all? Ha! Get it, because technically we all have red blood? OMG. Anyway – the other reason I don’t want to brag too much is because I’m afraid Kyle might beat me senseless.

Here is few other interesting Week 2 game results:

  • Ohio 18 vs. Ohio State 26
  • Indiana 20 vs. Michigan State 53
  • TCU 54 vs. Tulsa 37
  • Baylor 79 vs. Texas State 33
  • Illinois 18 vs. Notre Dame 39
  • Georgia 52 vs. South Carolina 20
  • Louisiana Tech 27 vs. LSU 42
  • San Diego State 18 vs. UCLA 46
  • Florida 7 vs. Florida State 12
  • Oklahoma 33 vs. Oklahoma State 54

WHERE IS TOP POWER RANKING?

Top Power ranking is to return following Week Three games. Only fool is revealing premature power ranking early in season, using inadequate data! Three games is minimum requirement of Commie Football supercomputer to have adequate data for proper calculation.

To demonstrate how ranking with limited data is making no sense, supercomputer is placing Washington Huskies as #1 team after Week One. This week, is now Notre Dame Fighting Irish, follow by Georgia, Iowa, West Virginia, UCLA, Northwestern, Washington, Mizzou, Florida State, and Rutgers.

There, you are now reading premature top 10 teams! You are happy? Nyet, you are more confused!

WHERE IS TIER 2?

Rich, lazy Ivy League is finally playing football games like rest of nation, so Tier 2 standings and scoreboard is now complete. On Tier 2 level, is only 30 of 96 teams yet unbeaten.

Here is few interesting game results:

  • Bowling Green 55 vs. Eastern Michigan 19
  • Alabama A&M 25 vs. Western Kentucky 75
  • Alabama State 11 vs. Jacksonville State 41
  • Buffalo 22 vs. Toledo 38
  • Central Michigan 42 vs. Western Michigan 24
  • Georgia Southern 46 vs. Mercer 13
  • Grambling 24 vs. Louisiana-Monroe 19
  • Harvard 30 vs. New Hampshire 10
  • Idaho 36 vs. Montana 29
  • New Mexico 22 vs. New Mexico State 56
  • North Dakota State 25 vs. South Dakota State 35

Tier 2 Top Power ranking is also premature, but #1 rank is held at this time by Bowling Green Falcons, who is perhaps having something to prove following Tier 2 relegation in off-season. Behind BGSU is Stony Brook, William & Mary, San Jose State, James Madison, Toledo, Georgia Southern, Princeton, FIU, and UMass.

There, you are now seeing premature Top 10 rankings from Tier 2! This information is confidential. Please, no distribution. Many men is gladly dying to protect.

Commie Football Will Be There For You, Beginning Next Week

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druzya-banner Is first weekend of 2015 American college football season, but where is Commie Football results?

You are forgetting already! Commie Football season is not begin until Week Two of NCAA football regular season. Why is this? Is because Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation of Commie Football scores. Beginning of 2015 PUACF season is next week. You are finding 2015 season schedule here.

SATELLITE FEED IS JOKE, IS BROKE

Here at Secondary Emergency Headquarters, is having recent problem. After previous intern (now member of staff) Bobby is playing with satellite feed like children’s toy, only video showing on security monitors is episodes of idiot American television program “Friends”. Is playing in endless loop, 24 hours every day!

COLLECT ALL CARDS
(click to make big):

ross-nd
rashel-oregon
monika-bama
chandler-osu
phoebe-texas
joey-fsu

To keep brain from disintegrating into bowl of cold, moldy kasha, I am thinking always of college football while watching tragic love story of Ross and Rashel. Is true to admit, I am learning many things about meaningless capitalist American culture from this show. As example, each character is perfect symbol of American college football program:

  • ROSS GELLER is supposed “smart” character, expert in study of dinosaur era, but unable to find glory in present time. Is dating many women throughout story, but is never able to keep commitment, long-term. Whining is becoming louder each season, like spoiled child having tantrum. Is believing to be superior, but running away when danger is confronting. Ross is FIGHTING IRISH of NOTRE DAME. Bonus: Karol is former wife of Ross, now in relationship with Syuzan, just as USC Trojans is having more healthy relationship with Stanford Cardinal!
  • RASHEL GREEN is always wearing clothing and haircut of latest fashion, attracting much attention. But inside is shallow, like receding waters of Aral Sea. Is gazing always at beautiful reflection in mirror, but becoming panic in stressful situation. Rashel is OREGON DUCKS. Bonus: Rashel is leaving former fiance Barry, just as Oregon is leaving former archrival Washington Huskies! Surplus Bonus: Gunther is loser working in Central Perk kafe, who is having obsession with attractive looks of Rashel. This is Baylor Bears!
  • MONIKA GELLAR is craving competition, becoming aggressive with any slight perception of disrespect. Is also vstrevozhennyy, wanting control in every situation, insisting to only do her way, always. In past, Monika was typical fat American, but now, even when beautiful, is needing to prove superiority always, because is still feeling ugly inside. Monika is ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Bonus: Monika is having on-off relationship with Richard, who is older man set in ways, uninterested in change. Just like Ole Miss Rebels!
  • CHANDELIER BING is living easy life with much money, yet is always making loud, mean joke as defense to feel superior and hide secret hatred of self. Is mere cog in anonymous, capitalist finance corporation. Is also wearing woman’s sweater vest always, which is famous garment of recent popular college football coach. Chandelier is OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Bonus: Chandelier is sometimes running into old girlfriend Janice, who is having loud, annoying voice like braying donkey. This is also Michigan Wolverines!
  • In USSR, FEBA BUFFAY would spend rest of life in psikhiatricheskaya bol’nitsa. Is pretending to be child of flowers, but is former street criminal and drug addict, even now making threat to friends. Is playing rudimentary folk guitar and singing unlistenable song about cat in Central Perk kafe. Presence is making no sense. Drug addict, guitar, cats – is much like American city of Austin, in Texas SSR. Feba is TEXAS LONGHORNS. Bonus: Feba is having twin sister Ursula, who is being cruel and cold, like Siberian winter, to former family members, just like Texas A&M!
  • JOSEF TRIBIANI is typical American male, head filled with kholodets, interested only in eating neighbor’s food and spreading STD disease. Is failing actor, unable to pretend to be anything but idiot. Nonsense saying “How you doin’?” is somehow magic spell to attract next victim. Josef is SEMINOLES OF FLORIDA STATE. Bonus: Josef is having sister named Gina, who is strong of spirit and looking good, but is often bringing shame to family with brash behavior. Is like Miami Hurricanes!

Da, I am also watching few episodes of “Joey” television program (spinoff of “Friends”) to satisfy curiosity about future of Josef Tribbiani. Curiosity is only lasting three, maybe four episodes, maximum.