Week Three: Beware of Duck, Falling from Sky

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Is mystery how beaver could operate airplane?

Is mystery how beaver could operate airplane? Only in USSR is military scientists training animals for combat using modern machinery.

ALL ANIMAL IS HUNTING, KILLING, DEVOURING DUCK

Every week, is many surprise in Commie Football. As example, in Week Three of 2015 season is simultaneous losing of both teams from 2014 championship game. Ohio State Buckeyes, perhaps looking too far at future opponents Michigan and Notre Dame, is overlooking Hoosiers of Indiana (mere 3-9 record last season), and is losing in shock 28-21 upset defeat. Most surprise is sudden fall of Oregon Ducks, two-time consecutive loser of PUACF championship game, who is now losing ALL games, dropping to pathetic 0-3 record after disaster 43-31 defeat by rival little brother team of Oregon SSR, Beavers of Oregon State. At bottom of District 8 North division, is playoff hope of Ducks already dead like Trotsky?

Why is this happen? Due to superior logic of Commie Football schedule, best teams from one season is playing more difficult schedule in next. Same team winning most games for many consecutive seasons is indeed rare, like delicate Fabergé egg.

TOP POWER RANKING IS BIGGER, MORE BETTER

Who is true Top Power?Only idiot is making college football ranking before Week Three of season! Is why Commie Football is waiting until now to reveal new Top Power Ranking, result of complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm. Always to provide more information, position of all 96 teams on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels will be updated for display every week. Top Power system is based first on most important statistic – NUMBER OF VICTORIES. Next is combination of many factors – strength of victory, strength of opponent, and critical measures of offense and defense output. This number is called TP SCORE and is showing overall relative strength of team versus other team with same number of victories.

In world of Commie Football, every team is playing fair schedule. Elimination of all cupcake games against teams from inferior level is meaning every victory is true challenge, and meaningful measure of strength. Is impossible for almost all teams in District to have winning record, like in corrupt SEC or Big 12 conference of old times!

After three games of 2015 season, here is new “Top Dawg” in town! Unbeaten Georgia Bulldogs is debut #1 Top Power team of 2015, following impressive victories over Michigan State, South Carolina Gamecocks, and hated rival Georgia Tech Yellowjackets.

Remainder of debut Top Power Ranking is here. After Bulldogs, rest of top ten is this: West Virginia, Florida State, UCLA, Ole Miss, Mizzou, Michigan, Rutgers, Notre Dame, and Kansas State.

You are now thinking – where is powerful MSU Spartans? Why is lack of respect for TCU Horned Frogs and Bears of Baylor? Is important to recognize – is natural for Top Power Rankings to experience many change during season, in same way beautiful Ural Mountain meadow is changing through season from wild-growing flowers to deep, impenetrable ice and gangrene.

Here is review of Week Three stories from Tier 1 Districts:

  • District 1: Rutgers is yet unbeaten (3-0, #8) after 28-11 victory vs. Boston College; Also unbeaten UConn Huskies (3-0, #15) is defeating Syracuse 29-26 in OT; WVU (3-0) is destroying rival Terps of Maryland 45-6.
  • District 2: Is shock, shame in Clemson after Tigers is fall victim to 21-13 upset by new Tier 1 teamAppalachian State (2-1); Blue Devils of Duke (2-1) is fighting to top of District 2 North with 33-22 victory over Wake Forest; NC State (1-2) is proving superior to Tarheels of North Carolina, 30-23.
  • District 3: Memphis Tigers (2-1) is top District 3 South team after huge 64-24 destruction of Arkansas State Red Wolves; Unbeaten Wolverines of Michigan (3-0, #7) is alone top District 3 North after 29-12 victory over Ohio Bobcats; Michigan State (2-1) is feeling lucky to have narrow 34-33 win vs. Bearcats of Cincinnati.
  • District 4: Unbeaten FSU (3-0) is defeating USF Bulls 29-12 to debut at #3 Top Power rank; Ole Miss is moving to 3-0, #5 rank following easy 49-11 defeat of Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette; LSU (3-0, #14) is past difficult test, beating tough like skin of cow Mississippi State 22-20.
  • District 5: Northwestern Wildcats (3-0, #16) is lifting glorious Land Of Lincoln Trophy following 31-25 defeat of Fighting Illini; Mizzou (3-0, #6) is topping crowded District 5 South after 35-19 defeat of Nebraska Cornhuskers; Fighting Irish of Notre Dame (3-0, #9) is claim mythic Shillelagh Trophy after 51-34 defeat of rival Indiana SSR team Purdue.
  • District 6: Sooners of Oklahoma (2-1) is making many fine points in 68-24 victory over SMU; Oklahoma State (2-1, #19) is making large statement in 44-41 OT victory vs. Horned Frogs of TCU; Texas A&M (3-0, #18) is showing rival Texas Longhorns who is top sheriff of Texas SSR in 29-24 victory.
  • District 7: Texas Tech Red Raiders (2-1) is improve position after 47-34 defeat of Arizona State Sun Devils; Boise State (2-1, #20) is claiming epic 41-38 OT victory over Utah Utes; Colorado Buffalos (2-1, #24) is scoring unusual 24-0 shutout victory over BYU.
  • District 8: Bruins of UCLA (3-0, #4) is taking easy 42-15 victory over Hawaii Rainbow Warriors to sit top District 8 South; Stanford (3-0, #17) is defeating winless Aztecs of San Diego State 40-22, tying with Bruins for South division lead; Huskies of Washington (3-0, #12) is drinking from delicious Apple Cup trophy after 33-24 victory vs. hated rival Wazzou.

IS TOO, TIER 2

Do not forget about intense competition on Tier 2 level! Is only 16 teams remaining with unbeaten 3-0 record, with many interesting names at top of Tier 2 Top Power rankings: Bowling Green (#1); William & Mary (#2); Toledo Rockets (#3); Princeton (#4); San Jose State (#5); James Madison (#6); Salukis of Southern Illinois (#7); FIU (#8); 2014 runner-up Western Kentucky (#9); and McNeese State (#10). Like Tier 1, Tier 2 Top Power Rankings is very volatile early in season. Yet is true, best measure of strength of all teams!

STAFF UPDATE

“Member of Staff” Bobby is prancing about, puffing chest like vazhnichat’, due to perfect 3-0 record of Harvard Crimson (#11), in spite of Bobby now being expelled from this school! Nemesis Yale football team is beginning season opposite way, already with 0-3 record. This is causing Intern Kyle (who is prestigious “red shirt” member of Bulldogs team) to become very angry, breaking logs for furnace with forehead, instead of using provided handsaw.

Commie Football Will Be There For You, Beginning Next Week

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druzya-banner Is first weekend of 2015 American college football season, but where is Commie Football results?

You are forgetting already! Commie Football season is not begin until Week Two of NCAA football regular season. Why is this? Is because Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation of Commie Football scores. Beginning of 2015 PUACF season is next week. You are finding 2015 season schedule here.

SATELLITE FEED IS JOKE, IS BROKE

Here at Secondary Emergency Headquarters, is having recent problem. After previous intern (now member of staff) Bobby is playing with satellite feed like children’s toy, only video showing on security monitors is episodes of idiot American television program “Friends”. Is playing in endless loop, 24 hours every day!

COLLECT ALL CARDS
(click to make big):

ross-nd
rashel-oregon
monika-bama
chandler-osu
phoebe-texas
joey-fsu

To keep brain from disintegrating into bowl of cold, moldy kasha, I am thinking always of college football while watching tragic love story of Ross and Rashel. Is true to admit, I am learning many things about meaningless capitalist American culture from this show. As example, each character is perfect symbol of American college football program:

  • ROSS GELLER is supposed “smart” character, expert in study of dinosaur era, but unable to find glory in present time. Is dating many women throughout story, but is never able to keep commitment, long-term. Whining is becoming louder each season, like spoiled child having tantrum. Is believing to be superior, but running away when danger is confronting. Ross is FIGHTING IRISH of NOTRE DAME. Bonus: Karol is former wife of Ross, now in relationship with Syuzan, just as USC Trojans is having more healthy relationship with Stanford Cardinal!
  • RASHEL GREEN is always wearing clothing and haircut of latest fashion, attracting much attention. But inside is shallow, like receding waters of Aral Sea. Is gazing always at beautiful reflection in mirror, but becoming panic in stressful situation. Rashel is OREGON DUCKS. Bonus: Rashel is leaving former fiance Barry, just as Oregon is leaving former archrival Washington Huskies! Surplus Bonus: Gunther is loser working in Central Perk kafe, who is having obsession with attractive looks of Rashel. This is Baylor Bears!
  • MONIKA GELLAR is craving competition, becoming aggressive with any slight perception of disrespect. Is also vstrevozhennyy, wanting control in every situation, insisting to only do her way, always. In past, Monika was typical fat American, but now, even when beautiful, is needing to prove superiority always, because is still feeling ugly inside. Monika is ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Bonus: Monika is having on-off relationship with Richard, who is older man set in ways, uninterested in change. Just like Ole Miss Rebels!
  • CHANDELIER BING is living easy life with much money, yet is always making loud, mean joke as defense to feel superior and hide secret hatred of self. Is mere cog in anonymous, capitalist finance corporation. Is also wearing woman’s sweater vest always, which is famous garment of recent popular college football coach. Chandelier is OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Bonus: Chandelier is sometimes running into old girlfriend Janice, who is having loud, annoying voice like braying donkey. This is also Michigan Wolverines!
  • In USSR, FEBA BUFFAY would spend rest of life in psikhiatricheskaya bol’nitsa. Is pretending to be child of flowers, but is former street criminal and drug addict, even now making threat to friends. Is playing rudimentary folk guitar and singing unlistenable song about cat in Central Perk kafe. Presence is making no sense. Drug addict, guitar, cats – is much like American city of Austin, in Texas SSR. Feba is TEXAS LONGHORNS. Bonus: Feba is having twin sister Ursula, who is being cruel and cold, like Siberian winter, to former family members, just like Texas A&M!
  • JOSEF TRIBIANI is typical American male, head filled with kholodets, interested only in eating neighbor’s food and spreading STD disease. Is failing actor, unable to pretend to be anything but idiot. Nonsense saying “How you doin’?” is somehow magic spell to attract next victim. Josef is SEMINOLES OF FLORIDA STATE. Bonus: Josef is having sister named Gina, who is strong of spirit and looking good, but is often bringing shame to family with brash behavior. Is like Miami Hurricanes!

Da, I am also watching few episodes of “Joey” television program (spinoff of “Friends”) to satisfy curiosity about future of Josef Tribbiani. Curiosity is only lasting three, maybe four episodes, maximum.

2014 Champions is Perhaps Not Surprise

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With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

TIER 1 CHAMPION IN ALL WORLDS: OHIO STATE BUCKEYES

Pozdravlyayu to the Buckeyes of Ohio State, champion of the 2014 college football season – in all worlds, including Commie Football! Ohio State is dominating Oregon Ducks 42-20 in Commie Orange Bowl championship game, to end season bathing n eternal glory.

Perhaps this is not surprise. Da, this is second season consecutive in which Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is awarding championship to same team as nonsense system supported by corrupt NCAA. Many fans is asking – what is it meaning when superior Soviet system is producing same result as evil, capitalist system? Some are even saying in whiny voice, “But I liked it better when Commie Football crowned like, a totally random team, like when Utah State won the championship in 2012.”

Is typical American response. Is nobody happy when “surprise” team wins? And is nobody happy when “expected” team wins also?!

Look at weakness of current College Football Playoff system. Committee of idiot judges (except Condoleezza, of course) is picking four teams to appear in playoff. Ohio State is almost not included, due to player injuries, personal bias, and socio-political interest of committee members. Fans of TCU and Baylor is crying tears in Shiner Bock beer, when neither Horned Frogs nor Bears is receiving invitation to miniscule, 4-team CFP playoff.

Here is truth – this will be same argument next season, and season after that, and so on – UNTIL 16 teams at MINIMUM is making playoffs! This season, CFP system is having simple beginner’s luck, including OSU in playoff as low #4 seed as afterthought. But Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is confirming that da, for fact it is the Buckeyes who are best team in college football this season! Only losses is in Week One to USC and Week 11 to Penn State, after OSU is already clinching playoff spot. After defeating top-rank Notre Dame in District 3 Championship game, Buckeyes is beating Tennessee and TCU on way to championship victory over Oregon.

Oregon Ducks (13-3, #2) is runner-up, losing championship and #1 Top Power rank, perhaps due to weakling #35-rank defense. Is second season consecutive that Ducks is losing in championship game. Here is advice – next season, spend more time designing strategy for winning football game, instead of designing fancy uniforms in every color of rainbow, looking like pizhama for children!

In world of Commie Football, TCU (12-3, #3) and Ole Miss (12-3, #4) is finishing with better rank than Florida State (10-3, #6) (who is losing to Ole Miss in District 4 Championship) and Alabama (4-8) (who is not even making to playoff)! Many more surprising results come from final 2014 Standings.

And of course, fans of Baylor Bears (9-3, #12) is continuing to make big bear-size tears, because even in Commie Football, Baylor is good team, but TCU is better. Perhaps is curse of ugly, nonsense, alternate blackout uniform? Spend more time designing strategy for winning football game instead of ugly uniform in non-traditional color for school!

Ram Boy, crying miracle black tears, is becoming most famous superfan of Colorado State.

Ram Boy, crying miracle black tears, is becoming holy icon of Tier 2 champion Colorado State Rams team.

TIER 2 CHAMPIONSHIP: CSU RAMS CLIMB MOUNTAIN, NEXT CLIMB TO TIER 1?

Ohio State is not only championship team in America today! Colorado State Rams (15-1, #1 rank) – looking like champions in glorious orange-and-green uniforms – is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky 41-38, a team with frightening, top-rank offense. But in end, it is weak #63-rank defense by WKU that is allowing Colorado State to emerge victorious by only three points.

But CSU is now suffering regret, missing undefeated season due to Week Eight loss to Eastern Illinois Panthers. Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season!

Fans in Kentucky SSR is forgetting sorrows in bottom of illegal homemade whiskey jar, but all is not lost for WKU. After glorious District 5 title and playoff run, fans of Hilltoppers is now hoping that Big Red blob mascot will move up to Tier 1 next season… to perhaps meet Brutus Buckeye on field of battle in District 3?

Intern Bobby is saying...Georgy’s all like (in his accent), “Season is over. You are now going home to America.” But then I’m like, “Uh… this is a FULLLLL YEEEEAR internship, remember? Two semesters. You got me until May, old man.” Finally, he’s like, “Is fine. Is many repairs to be making to concrete roof and rusting pipes of emergency secondary bunker. First, you are fixing problems made when you are overflowing hot tub water into computer server chamber.” Geh…. It was AN ACCIDENT! Like I’m the only one who’s ever drank too much kvass and tried to make an indoor skating rink, AMIRITE?

IS NEXT: PROMOTION & RELEGATION

Excitement of Commie Football is not ending with championship games!

Is no summer vacation! During offseason, Soviet supercomputer is making calculations to determine promotion and relegation of teams between Tiers.

Last season, is much controversy when both Tier 2 champion (North Texas) and runner-up (Buffalo) is not receiving invitation for promotion to Tier 1 level. But look at this – neither UNT nor UB is making Tier 2 playoffs this season! Is more proof that Soviet supercomputer is having more intelligence than simple brain of common American! Intern Bobby is proving this fact to me, every day.

You are returning to website in few weeks’ time for news of promotion and relegation.

Playoffs: Two Worlds, On Course for Collision

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National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Travel to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Oregon and Ohio State, so government is providing radio broadcast for fans in Oregon SSR and Ohio SSR, only.

National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Long journey to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Ducks and Buckeyes. As show of goodwill towards American people, Soviet government is providing special radio broadcast, in Russian, for all to hear game.

World of Commie Football is strange, parallel universe, bringing order to former chaotic system of determining American college football champion. Some critic is saying that Commie Football supercomputer is producing impossible result, as when Utah State Aggies is winning 2012 championship. But then, only one season ago, Commie Football supercomputer is crowning same champion (Florida State) as ludicrous BCS system, when Seminoles is narrow defeating Oregon Ducks. After, is more complaints, asking in whining voice – what is this proving, when superior Soviet system is producing same result as terrible, capitalist BCS system?

First, take deep breath. Then slow exhale breath, then TAKE DEEPER BREATH ONCE MORE! NOW SLAP OWN FACE! AGAIN! HARDER! Now stop and continue reading.

Is simple. Even corrupt capitalist system, such as nonsense NCAA, is sometimes having good luck. Either this, or obvious one team is true best team in all worlds of college football.

Sometimes, stupid American system for deciding college champion – whether AP poll, BCS, CFP – is having lucky streak, two years consecutive! Is long way to say – this season, advanced Commie Football algorithm is finding same two teams in championship game as flawed College Football Playoff system! Drisnya! In the name of Condoleezza!

r3-t1-rosebowl

Game: Rose Bowl
Location: Pasadena, CA
Final Score: Oregon 32, Ole Miss 25
Notes: Last season, Oregon is losing championship game to Florida State by only one point. During offseason, fans of Ducks is not sleeping, rolling over on hay mattress again and again, making many trips to outdoor latrine with only one thought – why is this team, which is so good for entire regular season, failing to win championship?

This season, Ducks is experiencing early frustration – beating darlings of 2013 Louisville and Boston College, but also losing to bitter District 8 rivals, Cal Golden Bears and UCLA. Then, beginning in Week Six, Oregon is resembling MiG fighter jet on secret KGB mission – to shoot down and destroy all enemies and fly to top of Top Power 25 rankings AGAIN! Mission is success so far – Oregon is once again advancing to national championship game, this time to play Ohio State, to determine true champion of all college football.

r3-t1-fiestabowl

Game: Fiesta Bowl
Location: Glendale, AZ
Final Score: Ohio State 32, TCU 31
Notes: In most exciting contest of playoff semifinal round, Ohio State is defeating tough TCU by only one point, to advance to championship game against top-seed Oregon Ducks. Why is Buckeyes proving too hard of nut for Horned Frogs to puncture? Soviet supercomputer is finding that in order to win this game, top-rank offense and #4-rank defense of Buckeyes is needing every milligram of strength to defeat TCU, who is also bringing powerful balance of offense (#4) and defense (#10), and also #1 in perception of disrespect!

Even in defeat, fans of Horned Frogs is proud – team is rising from mediocre 6-6 team last season, making Commie Football playoffs for first time, almost advancing to championship game! Is perhaps good enough in ESPN world, but not Commie Football. Do svidaniya, Horned Frogs!

In day or two, we are telling what is happening on Tier 2 semifinal games.

Return next week to find out WHO IS HAVING BIGGEST O!