Week 12: In St. Boz, All of Sooner Nation is Trusting

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St. Boz

Many fans of Oklahoma Sooners is making prayer to holy painting of St. Boz before victory in final game of regular season over Tulsa Golden Hurricane.

REGULAR SEASON IS FINISH

Upon completion of exciting Week 12 schedule, 2015 Commie Football regular season is reaching conclusion. Every fan is now restless with anticipation for Commie Football playoff, when 16 teams is entering tournament to determine true champion of American college football.

Is seeming only short time ago when Buckeyes of Ohio State is defeating Oregon Ducks 42-20 for 2014 championship (da, final result is same as in CFP system). In final week of 2015 regular season, defending champion Ohio State (8-4, #17 rank) is demonstrating difficulty of championship repeat, as Buckeyes is falling to Michigan State Spartans (9-3, #11) by 34-29 score, which is cruel to both, as this result is handing District 3 North division title to hated Michigan Wolverines (9-3, #10)!

Commie Football is world in which superior organization and schedule is producing interesting, unexpected result! Entire realm of American college football can only guess who new, true champion will become!

In meanwhile, drama in District 6 is reaching resolution, as top-ranked Oklahoma Sooners (11-1, #1) is making fresh farsh of little brother Tulsa Golden Hurricane (3-9) in 63-22 victory, to claim North division title over Oklahoma State Cowboys (10-2, #4), and for this reward – an invitation to District 6 Championship game against South division champion, Houston Cougars (8-4, #23).

At this time, you are forgetting about 80 teams not making to playoffs. Teams is now dead, like Trotsky! Think as if these teams is never existing, like American sasquatch (this is not same as yeti of Siberia, which is true living there). Is never too many bowl games with losing-record teams and corporation sponsor named after fruit!

YOU ARE READY FOR TRUE, BEST PLAYOFF SYSTEM, DA?

In korrumpirovanny College Football Playoff system, true opportunity for championship glory is for four teams, only. Teams is winning popularity beauty contest, ruled by alluring Condoleezza Rice. Many is killing and dying in argument over who is 4th best team in country! In superior Commie Football playoff system, is 16 TEAMS in hunt for title! And best yet, because of system of geographic Districts, football fans in every corner of country is having nearby hound in championship hunt!

Here is quick review of Commie Football playoff:

  1. 16 teams (from each Tier) is making to Round 1. Division winners is facing other Division winner from same District in District Championship game.
  2. In Round 2, eight District Champions is playing one another in seeded, single-elimination tournament to determine new champion.
  3. Round 3, is four teams left.
  4. National Championship Game

Is best system to find true champion! All must travel difficult 16-game schedule (12 regular season, then four playoff rounds) to seek ultimate championship glory!

CONTENDERS FOR CHAMPIONSHIP GLORY

TIER 1 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:CONN vs. WVU
District 2:DUKE vs. CLEM
District 3:MICH vs.
MEMP
District 4:USF vs. MISS
District 5:ND vs.
IOWA
District 6:OKLA vs. UH
District 7:UTAH vs.
USAF
District 8:WASH vs. USC
Georgy told me I could say something about the Tier 1 playoffs, since Yale like, totally blew it on Tier 2 this season, and I stopped paying attention a while back (yeah, yeah – but I know they lost to Harvard this week, whatevs). I don’t really know what to say about Tier 1. I mean, at least UConn’s representing the same state, but who’s fooling who? Yale might even be able to beat UConn, looking at their offensive rating.

Here is information for which all college football fans is waiting with much patience. All Tier 1 division winner teams is traveling to District Championship Game (a.k.a. Round 1 of Commie Football playoffs):

  • District 1: Connecticut Huskies (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia Mountaineers (8-4, #21) – In weak District 1, mediocre 8-4 record is enough to win both division titles! UConn is previous defeating WVU 37-19 long time ago in Week Five, but is now lower in Top Power ranking, with very bad 71st rank offense! But, is ferocious 3rd rank defense carrying Huskies into playoffs. WVU is flying below national radar, like MiG fighter jet, but is ending season with 4-game win streak, including high-pressure final week 43-11 defeat of Penn State (7-5) to seize division!
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson Tigers (9-3, #13) – Duke is winning final two games of regular season to remain one step ahead of North Carolina Tar Heels (8-4, #18) in standings, despite mediocre, 51st rank offense. Who is responsible for Blue Devils most recent loss? Why, is Clemson in Week Ten! Tigers is also possessing unexciting offense (47th) and defense (27th) output, but is playing overall more difficult schedule than Duke, requiring three victories at end of season to remain ahead of surprise sweetheart of America team, Appalachian State (8-4, #30)!
  • District 3: Michigan Wolverines (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis Tigers (8-4, #26) – Wolverines was #1 Top Power rank team for two weeks consecutive early in season, but is then making stumbles, including losses to Indiana Hoosiers (7-5), Ohio State (8-4), and opponent in championship, Memphis Tigers in Week Six. Tigers is clinching weak South division early on strength of lightning, 9th rank offense, despite strange losses to weak teams such as Vanderbilt (5-7) and Louisiana Tech (5-7).
  • District 4: South Florida Bulls (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss Rebels (9-3, #7) – Miracle USF is perhaps most surprise team of season. With good-enough offense (25th) and strong defense (10th), Bulls is going 4-1 in loaded East division, losing only to Florida State (8-4, #15) in entire District! This is including Week Ten victory over Ole Miss, who is making return appearance to playoffs. Defense (24th) is perhaps not as good as last season, but offense (16th) is making pleasant humming sound, winning division on strength of Week Two victory over Crimson Tide of Alabama (9-3, #8).
  • District 5: Notre Dame Fighting Irish (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa Hawkeyes (11-1, #2) – First season in new district is lucky for Irish, who is falling no lower than #18 Top Power rank during entire season, clinching division early so that 35-28 loss to Wisconsin Badgers (8-4, #16) in final game of season is of no importance. Good balance of offense (17th) and defense (15th), and very difficult schedule is making Irish true contender. Hawkeyes is making return to playoffs, this time as top contender with very strong defense (5th), losing only one game in Week Five to… uh oh, it was to Irish!
  • District 6: Oklahoma Sooners (11-1, #1) vs. Houston Cougars (8-4, #23) – Sooners is making return appearance to playoffs, but from different District. Top-rank offense is ensuring many victories with 46 points/game on average. Only loss is in Week Two to “Bedlam” rival Oklahoma State (10-2, #4), who is sad staying home. Houston is losing first two games of season, then exploding with 6th rank offense to win four games in division, including Baylor Bears (7-5). Close Week Ten loss to Oklahoma is giving Cougars hope of victory on second attempt!
  • District 7: Utah Utes (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force Falcons (8-4, #29) – 12th rank defense of Utah is smothering opponents as Utah is winning final five games of season. But this is first meeting of season with Air Force, who is surprise champion of weak South division, playing steady for most part except in embarrassing 71-31 loss to Texas Tech (5-7) in final game of season. How is this score possible for playoff team?
  • District 8: Washington Huskies (9-3, #9) vs. USC Trojans (9-3, #6) – Huskies is having very powerful offense (13th) and defense (11th), defeating USC in Week Six, but then experiencing strange mid-season spell of losing immediately after. Trojans is requiring dramatic final week victory over Stanford Cardinal (8-4, #19) to take South division and return to playoffs.

Later in week is official revealing of all 16 Tier 2 playoff teams. (In meantime, here is hint – Week 12 standings, scoreboard, and Top Power rankings is providing necessary information to know ultimate fate of Tier 2 regular season and playoff lineup. Please keep as secret.)

Week Four: What is Wolverine?

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Michigan Wolverines football team is enjoying success since overthrow of previous administration by new Premier, Yakov Harbaugh.

Michigan Wolverines football collective is enjoying success since overthrow of previous administration by new Premier Coach, Yakov Harbaugh.

WHAT IS WOLVERINE?

Is small animal, like a barsuk, but terribly ferocious. It is also nickname of University of Michigan SSR sports collective! This team is surprise rising to #1 Top Power rank following 31-5 victory over inferior Air Force Falcons in Week Four of Commie Football season. Wolverines is replacing Bulldogs of Georgia, who is being pushed away from food trough like mere runt puppy, losing 36-19 to California Golden Bears (who by way is also yet unbeaten and rising to #4 Top Power rank).

Da, is much upheaval in Top Power Rankings! All five of top teams – Georgia, West Virginia, Florida State, UCLA, and Ole Miss – is losing in Week Four, creating opportunity for new teams to rise, like delicious Russian black bread. One-third of season is complete, and only nine teams is yet undefeated. Only nine! Is proof that superior Commie Football schedule matrix, with no easy, early-season cupcake games, is best competition to determine true strength of all American college football teams!

In Week Four, every team in country is playing similar strength opponent from different District. Here is summary of important game results:

Finally, Yale won a game, if you can believe it. Took down Western Michigan 27-21. WMU was a Tier 2 playoff team last year, so that’s pretty huge. Georgy’s all like (in his dumb accent), “But WMU is yet winless. Is rank only #94 of Tier 2. Is terrible team.” All I could think about was how much I want to put my fist through his fotch. A win. Is a win. Is a WIN! Why can’t he just let me enjoy it, you know?
Speaking of “ocean of red tears” (which, if you are, means you’re Georgy talking about how Western Kentucky was “only millimeter close” to winning the Tier 2 championship last year, blah blah), earlier this week Georgy had me go down to one of the subterranean storage chambers to fetch some more bleach, because we had to wash out one of the abattoir zones (long story). The light bulb was like, burned out or something, and so it was just this dim, blue emergency lighting – super dark. I grab this bottle of what I think is bleach, and start back up the steps but I totally slip on the top stair (I’ve told Georgy about it like, 50 times, but of course he hasn’t dealt with it) and I kind of fall but try to catch myself with the big bottle. It like, slams down on the floor in front of me and the top flies off, and this noxious cloud like, explodes all in my eyes and face. And it started stinging. Like, *really* bad. But the good news is I got out of work for like, almost a week until my chemical burns healed and my eyesight started coming back. Score!

  • District 1: Plucky Temple Owls (3-1, #13 rank) is defeating Fighting Irish (3-1, #18) 22-14 in tremendous upset victory; this is creating three-way tie at top of North division after Rutgers (3-1, #24) is losing 19-17 to Nebraska Cornhuskers and UConn (3-1) is losing 22-13 to Fighting Illini; Penn State (3-1, #23) is catching WVU at top of South division after defeating old enemy from midwest, Wisconsin Badgers, by score 15-10.
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (3-1) is now tied with Virginia Tech at top of East division following  28-7 victory vs. Nevada Wolf Pack; in West division, loss of Georgia Bulldogs (3-1, #11) is allowing Gamecocks of South Carolina and surprise Appalachian State, who is new Tier 1 team defeating Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii 36-13, to tie at top of standings.
  • District 3: Wolverines (4-0, #1 rank) is already enjoying two-game lead on key rivals Michigan State and Ohio State (both 2-2 and losing this week); in South division, Memphis Tigers (3-1) is alone at top after 40-17 upset victory vs. Arizona Wildcats.
  • District 4: Surprise South Florida Bulls (3-1) is tying FSU in lead of East division following 28-24 USF victory vs. winless Tulsa; after terrible, confusing 2014 season, Alabama Crimson Tide (3-1) is returning to winning ways, crushing winless Texas State 59-14 to tie Ole Miss and LSU at top of West division standings.
  • District 5: Unbeaten Northwestern Wildcats is climbing to #2 Top Power rank after decisive 36-12 victory over #2 team from last week, WVU; in South division, is war looming due to simultaneous undefeated 4-0 records of Mizzou (#3 rank), Kansas State Wildcats (#5), and Iowa Hawkeyes (#8).
  • District 6: Is collision of four teams at top of North division! Oklahoma State (3-1, #10 rank) is throwing lasso around LSU in 40-18 surprise victory; Razorbacks of Arkansas (3-1) is ruining Hotty Toddy drinking of Ole Miss (3-1, #14) in 31-15 win; Sooners of Oklahoma (3-1, #21) is reliving past glories in 39-23 victory over Miami Hurricanes; TCU Horned Frogs (3-1, #17) is hopping all over Florida State (3-1, #12), winning 33-15; meanwhile, in South division, unbeaten Texas A&M (4-0, #9) is proving superiority over Mississippi State in 30-17 victory.
  • District 7: Boise State (3-1, #16 rank) is beating Louisville 34-10 to take command of North division; defending champion Buckeyes (2-2) is looking only mediocre in 33-28 loss to Arizona State Sun Devils (2-2), who is tied with four other teams to lead weak South division.
  • District 8: Washington Huskies (4-0, #7 rank) is yet unbeaten, defeating NC State 23-15 to keep pace with Cal Golden Bears (4-0, #4) at top of North division; unbeaten Stanford (4-0, #6 rank) is victorious vs. tough Clemson, winning 39-20 and taking lead in South after 35-30 UCLA loss to Georgia Tech; what the quack is happened to Oregon? One-time mighty Ducks (0-4) is losing 37-32 to East Carolina.

TIER 2: BIG RED IS RETURN ANGRY

WKUFor Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, 2014 season is ending in ocean of red tears, when WKU is losing Tier 2 championship game by only three points to Colorado State Rams. Is millimeter close! Then in offseason, is combining insult and injuries when Hilltoppers is being denied promotion to Tier 1 level, instead watching CSU and three other teams with inferior record receive this great honor.

How can Big Red avenge this insult? Is only one way – for WKU to destroy all opponents on 2015 schedule and capture Tier 2 championship! So far, plan is working – in Week Four, WKU (4-0) is unleashing destruction on Huskies of Northern Illinois, winning by outrageous score of 64-12 to claim #1 Top Power ranking on Tier 2 level. Remember, NIU is Tier 1 level team only last season (now on Tier 2 due to relegation).

Perhaps at end of undefeated season, Tier 1 is finally taking notice of Western Kentucky and sending proper invitation for promotion.

Is similar situation to when popular people is not inviting you to fun party. Instead of cry alone in cold basement bathing area, is best you are demonstrating rage, cutting wide path of destruction with fists and bayonet, to prove strength and make entire world fearful. Next party, you receive invitation.

Commie Football Will Be There For You, Beginning Next Week

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druzya-banner Is first weekend of 2015 American college football season, but where is Commie Football results?

You are forgetting already! Commie Football season is not begin until Week Two of NCAA football regular season. Why is this? Is because Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation of Commie Football scores. Beginning of 2015 PUACF season is next week. You are finding 2015 season schedule here.

SATELLITE FEED IS JOKE, IS BROKE

Here at Secondary Emergency Headquarters, is having recent problem. After previous intern (now member of staff) Bobby is playing with satellite feed like children’s toy, only video showing on security monitors is episodes of idiot American television program “Friends”. Is playing in endless loop, 24 hours every day!

COLLECT ALL CARDS
(click to make big):

ross-nd
rashel-oregon
monika-bama
chandler-osu
phoebe-texas
joey-fsu

To keep brain from disintegrating into bowl of cold, moldy kasha, I am thinking always of college football while watching tragic love story of Ross and Rashel. Is true to admit, I am learning many things about meaningless capitalist American culture from this show. As example, each character is perfect symbol of American college football program:

  • ROSS GELLER is supposed “smart” character, expert in study of dinosaur era, but unable to find glory in present time. Is dating many women throughout story, but is never able to keep commitment, long-term. Whining is becoming louder each season, like spoiled child having tantrum. Is believing to be superior, but running away when danger is confronting. Ross is FIGHTING IRISH of NOTRE DAME. Bonus: Karol is former wife of Ross, now in relationship with Syuzan, just as USC Trojans is having more healthy relationship with Stanford Cardinal!
  • RASHEL GREEN is always wearing clothing and haircut of latest fashion, attracting much attention. But inside is shallow, like receding waters of Aral Sea. Is gazing always at beautiful reflection in mirror, but becoming panic in stressful situation. Rashel is OREGON DUCKS. Bonus: Rashel is leaving former fiance Barry, just as Oregon is leaving former archrival Washington Huskies! Surplus Bonus: Gunther is loser working in Central Perk kafe, who is having obsession with attractive looks of Rashel. This is Baylor Bears!
  • MONIKA GELLAR is craving competition, becoming aggressive with any slight perception of disrespect. Is also vstrevozhennyy, wanting control in every situation, insisting to only do her way, always. In past, Monika was typical fat American, but now, even when beautiful, is needing to prove superiority always, because is still feeling ugly inside. Monika is ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Bonus: Monika is having on-off relationship with Richard, who is older man set in ways, uninterested in change. Just like Ole Miss Rebels!
  • CHANDELIER BING is living easy life with much money, yet is always making loud, mean joke as defense to feel superior and hide secret hatred of self. Is mere cog in anonymous, capitalist finance corporation. Is also wearing woman’s sweater vest always, which is famous garment of recent popular college football coach. Chandelier is OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Bonus: Chandelier is sometimes running into old girlfriend Janice, who is having loud, annoying voice like braying donkey. This is also Michigan Wolverines!
  • In USSR, FEBA BUFFAY would spend rest of life in psikhiatricheskaya bol’nitsa. Is pretending to be child of flowers, but is former street criminal and drug addict, even now making threat to friends. Is playing rudimentary folk guitar and singing unlistenable song about cat in Central Perk kafe. Presence is making no sense. Drug addict, guitar, cats – is much like American city of Austin, in Texas SSR. Feba is TEXAS LONGHORNS. Bonus: Feba is having twin sister Ursula, who is being cruel and cold, like Siberian winter, to former family members, just like Texas A&M!
  • JOSEF TRIBIANI is typical American male, head filled with kholodets, interested only in eating neighbor’s food and spreading STD disease. Is failing actor, unable to pretend to be anything but idiot. Nonsense saying “How you doin’?” is somehow magic spell to attract next victim. Josef is SEMINOLES OF FLORIDA STATE. Bonus: Josef is having sister named Gina, who is strong of spirit and looking good, but is often bringing shame to family with brash behavior. Is like Miami Hurricanes!

Da, I am also watching few episodes of “Joey” television program (spinoff of “Friends”) to satisfy curiosity about future of Josef Tribbiani. Curiosity is only lasting three, maybe four episodes, maximum.