Down at Crossroads, Is Also Time for Realignment

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crossroadsRealignment is not having impact only on Tier 1 level. Like famous American blues guitar player Ralf Macchio, Tier 2 is true “crossroads” in organization of PUACF, where teams is both departing and arriving, due to innovative promotion and relegation process.

For upcoming 2015 season, is nine new teams playing on Tier 2 level: Ball State, Bowling Green, Kent State, and Northern Illinois (from Tier 1 via relegation); and Alcorn State, GramblingMercerMorgan State and Western Carolina (from Tier 3 via promotion). Due to this influx of new teams to Tier 2, is necessary for geographic realignment.

Here is entire list of changes for each Tier 2 district (1 through 8) in coming 2015 season. Team names in bold is signifying new team in district, team names in italic is team moving from opposite division of same district:


DISTRICT 1: Is nothing new. As in Tier 1/District 1, is same teams in same divisions.

NORTH: Brown, Harvard, Maine, New Hampshire, UMass, Yale
SOUTH: Lafayette, Lehigh, Penn, Princeton, Stony Brook, Villanova


DISTRICT 2: Is saying “have good luck” to Appalachian State, who is receiving promotion to Tier 1, and do svidaniya to Elon, who is suffering relegation to Tier 3. Is also saying “howdy” to Morgan State, who is receiving promotion from Tier 3, and Charlotte 49ers, who is moving here from District 3. William & Mary is also shifting to South division.

NORTH: Delaware, James Madison, Liberty, Morgan State, Richmond, Towson
SOUTH: Charlotte, Norfolk State, North Carolina A&T, North Carolina Central, Old Dominion, William & Mary


DISTRICT 3: Is adding two new teams being promoted from Tier 3 – Western Carolina and Mercer, who is replacing Charlotte (move to District 2) and Georgia State (move to District 4) .

NORTH: Citadel, Coastal Carolina, Furman, South Carolina State, Western Carolina, Wofford
SOUTH: Bethune-Cookman, FIU, Florida A&M, Florida Atlantic, Georgia Southern, Mercer


DISTRICT 4: Is many changes. UAB Blazers is dying like Trotsky, while Jackson State, Southern U, and Tulane is all moving to new configuration in District 7. To replace departed teams is Georgia State (from District 3), and trio of teams from District 5: Middle Tennessee; Tennessee State; and runner-up from Tier 2 championship, Western Kentucky. These changes is also causing Alabama State, Jacksonville State, and Samford switch to South division.

NORTH: Alabama A&M, Chattanooga, Georgia State, Middle Tennessee, Tennessee State, Western Kentucky
SOUTH: Alabama State, Jacksonville State, Samford, South Alabama, Southern Miss, Troy


DISTRICT 5: Is welcoming three teams relegated from Tier 1: Ball State, Bowling Green, and Kent State. To make space, is sending Middle Tennessee, Tennessee State, and 2014 Tier 2 runner-up WKU to District 4. Also, three teams is swapping divisions: Akron, Toledo, and Youngstown State.

NORTH: Bowling Green, Buffalo, Central Michigan, Eastern Michigan, Toledo, Western Michigan
SOUTH: Akron, Ball State, Eastern Kentucky, Kent State, Miami (OH), Youngstown State


DISTRICT 6: Skyhawks of Tennessee-Martin is being relegated to Tier 3, but is being replaced here by Northern Illinois, relegated from Tier 1. Western Illinois is switching divisions to make space for Huskies.

NORTH: North Dakota, North Dakota State, Northern Illinois, Northern Iowa, South Dakota, South Dakota State
SOUTH: Central Arkansas, Eastern Illinois, Illinois State, Missouri State, Southern Illinois, Western Illinois


DISTRICT 7: Is experiencing many changes, including departure of Texas State and UTEP – both promoted to Tier 1. To replace is addition of two new teams promoted from Tier 3: Alcorn State and Grambling. New Mexico, New Mexico State, and Northern Arizona is moving to District 8, being replaced by three teams from District 4: Jackson State, Southern U, and Tulane. Five teams is also switching from East to West division.

EAST: Alcorn State, Grambling, Jackson State, Louisiana-Monroe, Southern U, Tulane
WEST: Lamar, McNeese State, North Texas, Northwestern State, Sam Houston State, Stephen F. Austin


DISTRICT 8: 2014 Tier 2 champion Colorado State Rams is now promoted to Tier 1, while UC Davis and Southern Utah is both relegated to Tier 3. To replace, is three teams moving from District 7. Also, Sacramento State is shifting to North division.

NORTH: Eastern Washington, Idaho, Montana, Montana State, Sacramento State, Wyoming
SOUTH: Cal Poly, New Mexico, New Mexico State, Northern Arizona, San Jose State, UNLV



Here is photo Intern Bobby is sending to me via cellphone, of Soviet gunship shooting missle at him, before departing for an additional three months.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is sending to me via cellphone message, of Soviet gunship shooting missle at him, before departing for additional three months, minimum.

Is unfortunate situation. You may remember from previous post, I am making many tedious preparation for Intern Bobby to leave emergency secondary headquarter via Mi-24 military gunship helicopter, because internship is now over.

As final task of internship, I am giving Bobby map and compass to find path over many kilometers of difficult terrain to rendezvous point with helicopter. Is final reward for Bobby, as show of trust in spite of many mistakes he is always making during previous football season.

But Bobby is behaving in unserious manner. Is thinking this is simple task, that Georgy will help if there is difficulty to find rendezvous location. Bobby Is learning hard lesson how serious is this situation.

Helicopter is dropping supplies, da, then is waiting for three hours, then is again departing. But Bobby is only finally locating rendezvous location after gunship is already in air for departing.

Bobby is then running from forest, shooting flare pistol, which is causing gunship to believe it is experiencing attack! Gunship is firing missles in return, but is lucky for Bobby, because kickback of flare gun is causing him to fall behind old tree stump, protecting from blast of missles. Gunship is then believing Bobby dead, and is leaving area. I am finding Bobby later and returning to emergency secondary headquarter, having to carry him on sled, also full of new supplies.

Now Bobby is remaining here for additional three months, minimum, until next shipment of supplies is necessary… and NEW INTERN is beginning for next season! Chert poberi!

2015: Is Promotion & Relegation Odyssey

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Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking when is locked outside hatch door during freezing night, when emergency secondary headquarters security computer system is being taken over by Condoleezza Rice.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking in failure attempt to email to me, when Bobby is locked outside hatch door during freezing night, due to emergency secondary headquarters security computer system becoming temporary infected with spirit of Condoleezza Rice.

Last month, Commie Football is announcing details of promotion and relegation between Tier 1 and Tier 2 for upcoming 2015 season. Is exciting day for fans of Colorado State Rams, Texas State Bobcats, Appalachian State, and UTEP – four teams who are moving up to Tier 1 after successful 2014 season on Tier 2. But is also very bad day for fans of Bowling Green, Northern Illinois, Kent State, and Ball State, who will move down one level after ugly 2014 season.




In Commie Football, promotion and relegation is process to ensure every team is playing on appropriate level, to maximize fair competition. Two critical measures – on-field performance as measured by Top Power rank, and off-field program strength as measured by attendance data – determine fate and ultimate playing level of each team every season.

But in order for Soviet supercomputer to make proper score calculation every week, is necessary to also promote and/or relegate teams on very low Tier 3 and Tier 4 levels. Today is day of great joy for some! Also, is day of many tears for others.

Because of successful 2014 season on Tier 3 level, here is list of five teams receiving promotion from Tier 3 to Tier 2 for 2015 season:

  • Alcorn State Braves (Lorman, Mississippi SSR)
  • Grambling State Tigers (Grambling, Louisiana SSR)
  • Mercer Bears (Macon, Georgia SSR)
  • Morgan State Bears (Baltimore, Maryland SSR)
  • Western Carolina Catamounts (Cullowhee, South Carolina SSR)

Here is list of four teams receiving relegation notice, dropping from Tier 2 to Tier 3:

  • Elon Phoenix (1-11) – After consecutive 1-11 seasons, is time for Elon to move down to level where competition is more, how you are saying? More easy?
  • Southern Utah Thunderbirds (4-8) – Like Siberia, many areas of Utah SSR is not having many people living. Perhaps this is why SUU is attracting barely 3,000 fans per game. 6-6 record is saving Thunderbirds from relegation after 2013 season, but team is not good enough in 2014.
  • Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks (3-9) – 2013 was first season for UTM on Tier 2 level, when team was finishing surprise 9-3 and almost making playoffs. But low attendance during bad 2014 season is dooming team for return to Tier 3.
  • UC Davis Aggies (1-11) – UCD is bad team for three seasons consecutive on Tier 2 level, so now is time to try for better outcome on Tier 3.

Oh, and also do not forget about UAB Blazers (5-7), who is meeting same fate as Leon Trotsky and will be playing no more college football on any level in 2015!

Intern Bobby is saying...Yeah, so the other day, Georgy sends me outside to get more firewood for one of the furnaces, so I’m out there, like, all paranoid about another wild raccoon attack. So of course, when I come back with my arms full of like, sticks and stuff, the hatch door is totally locked. I start banging on it and yelling for Georgy to open the door, and there’s like, no answer. Then this weird voice comes over the intercom: “I’m sorry, Bobby. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” and I’m all like, WHAAA? and I go “What’s your problem, Georgy? Stop messing around!” because I figured he was still mad from when I went all catatonic last month, and then the voice comes on again, and it goes, “I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.” and then I’m like – wait a minute, because the voice is speaking perfect English and it sounds like a woman, and I’m like – OMG is that freakin’ Condoleezza Rice talking?

Long story short – I had to spend the night outside, freezing my tush off under this torn-up camouflage tarp I found, and Georgy *finally* comes looking for me at sunrise, and claims he knows nothing about the hatch door thing. Annoying!

Anyway, my internship ends in a few weeks (I think?). I guess I’m having like, sorta mixed feelings about it? On the one hand, I’ve learned a lot. Granted, I’m not really sure I’ll get Harvard credit for things like tracking and killing wild turkey with a machete, or gutting and prepping a raccoon carcass. Or, chipping huge blocks of ice from an active computer server without electrocuting myself.

On the other hand, Boston probably did get a lot less snow this winter than whatever part of Russia I’m in right now, amirite?

Further down – in nether regions of American college football – here is list of teams receiving promotion up to Tier 3 from Tier 4:

  • Alderson-Broaddus Battlers
  • Bentley Falcons
  • East Tennessee State Buccaneers
  • Kennesaw State Owls
  • Limestone Saints
  • McKendree Bearcats
  • Mississippi College Choctaws
  • New Mexico Highlands Cowboys
  • Northwood Timberwolves
  • Notre Dame (OH) Falcons
  • Paine Lions
  • West Liberty Hilltoppers
  • West Virginia Wesleyan Bobcats
  • Western Oregon Wolves

And here is list of teams receiving relegation notice, moving down from Tier 3 to Tier 4:

  • Adams State Grizzlies
  • Brevard Tornados
  • Chowan Hawks
  • Clarion Golden Eagles
  • Lane Dragons
  • McMurry War Hawks
  • Merrimack Warriors
  • Minnesota State–Moorhead Dragons
  • Minot State Beavers
  • Northeastern State Riverhawks
  • South Dakota Mines Hardrockers
  • Southern Connecticut State Fighting Owls
  • Urbana Blue Knights


Next during offseason is geographic realignment of districts and divisions, based on team movement between Tiers during promotion/relegation phase. When this is complete, updated team map is being revealed. Then, is new schedule for 2015 season.

Oh, and is also almost time to purchase print advertisement for new college intern, in American newspaper. Perhaps I am making Bobby write this.