Week Six: How Tall Can Tree Grow?

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Here is KGB photograph showing Hyperion, tallest growing American tree. Was very difficult to locate, climb, and burn Commie Football symbol in trunk.

Here is KGB photograph showing Hyperion, tallest growing American tree. Was very difficult to locate, climb, and burn Commie Football symbol in trunk.

FOOTBALL IS GAME, WITH BOTH PHYSICAL AND INTELLIGENCE DIFFICULTY!

Is not coincidence. Top researchers at every American university is working all hours, day and night, to develop superior football playbook. Now, at halfway point of 2015 Commie Football season, result of scientific work is rise to #1 Top Power rank of teams with most power in brains!

STAN

Last week, is ascension of Harvard Crimson to #1 rank on Tier 2 level. After Week Six, is now also Tier 1 football school with superior academic reputation at top of heap. Unbeaten Stanford Cardinal (6-0) is new #1 Top Power rank team, following 56-22 victory vs. Nevada Wolf Pack.

But what is happening to previous #1 rank team, Wolverines of Michigan? Is disaster game, no fan is predicting! Wolverines is falling prey to Memphis Tigers (4-2), who is winning in 32-23 upset, dropping Michigan to #6 rank. Is becoming curious pattern for Memphis, who is making similar upset defeat of then-#1 rank Ole Miss last season. Tigers is now leading weak District 3 South division. Is very good result for team who is playing only on Tier 2 level in 2013 season! Perhaps is too good… if you catch meaning (notify KGB, quiet).

MANY TEARS ACROSS NATION, IS NATURAL

Spoiled American college football fans is making complaint with only three remaining unbeaten teams on Tier 1 level. Fans is accustomed to favorite team being always undefeated halfway into season. This is due to ridiculous easy cupcake games in early weeks. In old system, is easy way for AP Top 25 team to remain unbeaten long into season, creating artificial, unearned excitement when meeting other “ranked” team. In world of Commie Football, with superior schedule system, this is impossible dream! Undefeated season is rare, much like precious Rose Trellis egg.

In Week 6, all teams is playing game vs. opponent from same District (but in opposite division). Here is review of Commie Football action, in this week:

  • District 1: Scarlet Knights of Rutgers (5-1, #13 rank) is teaching WVU painful lesson in 59-45 victory to claim lead of North division; Weak Syracuse (2-4) is upset defeating Penn State (4-2) 38-27, but Nittany Lions is yet retaining lead of South.
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (5-1, #15 rank) is defeating Volunteers of Tennessee 27-10, earning 2-game lead in North division; New Tier 1 team Appalachian State (5-1, #12 rank) is continuing surprise success, defeating Wake Forest 40-21 to remain on top of South.
  • District 3: As is report already, Memphis Tigers (4-2) is shocking top-rank Wolverines (5-1, now drop to #6) in 32-23 upset victory; Defending champion The Ohio State (4-2) is defeating Kentucky 34-18; Michigan State Spartans (4-2) is enjoying 31-19 easy victory vs. Thundering Herd of Marshall.
  • District 4: South Florida Bulls (5-1, #20 rank) is winning much, defeating Ragin’ Cajuns 36-22 to maintain East division lead; Crimson Tide (5-1, #11 rank) is creating too much red water for Gators to swim in 38-25 victory; Tigers of LSU (5-1, #19 rank) is narrow defeating Auburn 31-29, to make tie with Bama for lead in West division.
  • District 5: Notre Dame (5-1) is return to #5 Top Power rank after 48-15 defeat of Kansas State (5-1), who is dropping far from #5 to #17; Hawkeyes of Iowa (5-1, #8 rank) is handing first defeat of season to Northwestern (5-1, #14) by score 40-10; Mizzou (5-1, #9) is defeating Golden Gophers of Minnesota 27-17, to create three-way tie for lead in South division!
  • District 6: Oklahoma State (5-1, #4 rank) is introducing Texas A&M (5-1, #18) to concept of loss in 39-23 win; Sooners of Oklahoma (5-1, #10 rank) is trapping Baylor (4-2, #25) in bear trap in 47-31 victory; Who is having sharpest horn? Horned Frogs of TCU (5-1, #16 rank) is defeating Texas Longhorns 40-22 to claim honor.
  • District 7: Boise State (5-1, #7 rank) is leader of North division after 45-28 victory vs. UTSA; Utah Utes (4-2, #24 rank) is defeating Arizona Wildcats 33-28, is now massive jam of logs in South division with four teams having mediocre 3-3 record.
  • District 8 is rare boasting three top teams (and none with name Duck or Trojan)! Unbeaten Washington Huskies (6-0) is rising to #2 Top Power rank following 31-28 victory vs. USC; Golden Bears of Cal (6-0, #3 rank) is yet unbeaten after 24-21 victory vs. San Diego State Aztecs; And da, da – of course is also Stanford.

CZAR OF TIER 2 IS NERD, ALSO

Here is games with teams in Top 5:

  1. Defending #1 Top Power rank on Tier 2 level in battle of ancient Ivy League rivals, Harvard Crimson (6-0) is remain unbeaten with 40-15 victory over hated Princeton Tigers. Next is
  2. James  Madison Dukes (6-0, #2 rank), who is beating Charlotte 36-17.
  3. Georgia Southern Eagles (6-0) is enjoying delicious 40-21 victory over Terriers of Wofford.
  4. Sneaky McNeese State Cowboys (6-0, #4) is defeating rival from Louisiana SSR, Grambling, by score 31-24.
  5. Bearkats of Sam Houston State (6-0, #5) is winning against Jackson State, 31-26. SHSU is always very sneaky team.

GOOD JOB FOR INTERN

Stanford logo with large pine tree is reminding – is very large tree growing near Emergency Secondary Headquarters, perhaps 100 meters tall. Is much taller than surrounding trees. I am worrying of branch falling in massive ice storm, and possible damage to electric wires. I am sending Intern Kyle to chop down this tree, using only axe and rope. Former intern (now member of staff) Bobby is to assist Kyle, perhaps to hold rope.

This large tree is very beautiful. Will supply much firewood for coming difficult Siberian winter.

Playoffs: Two Worlds, On Course for Collision

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National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Travel to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Oregon and Ohio State, so government is providing radio broadcast for fans in Oregon SSR and Ohio SSR, only.

National championship game will be held in Orange Bowl next week. Long journey to Florida SSR is very difficult for fans of Ducks and Buckeyes. As show of goodwill towards American people, Soviet government is providing special radio broadcast, in Russian, for all to hear game.

World of Commie Football is strange, parallel universe, bringing order to former chaotic system of determining American college football champion. Some critic is saying that Commie Football supercomputer is producing impossible result, as when Utah State Aggies is winning 2012 championship. But then, only one season ago, Commie Football supercomputer is crowning same champion (Florida State) as ludicrous BCS system, when Seminoles is narrow defeating Oregon Ducks. After, is more complaints, asking in whining voice – what is this proving, when superior Soviet system is producing same result as terrible, capitalist BCS system?

First, take deep breath. Then slow exhale breath, then TAKE DEEPER BREATH ONCE MORE! NOW SLAP OWN FACE! AGAIN! HARDER! Now stop and continue reading.

Is simple. Even corrupt capitalist system, such as nonsense NCAA, is sometimes having good luck. Either this, or obvious one team is true best team in all worlds of college football.

Sometimes, stupid American system for deciding college champion – whether AP poll, BCS, CFP – is having lucky streak, two years consecutive! Is long way to say – this season, advanced Commie Football algorithm is finding same two teams in championship game as flawed College Football Playoff system! Drisnya! In the name of Condoleezza!

r3-t1-rosebowl

Game: Rose Bowl
Location: Pasadena, CA
Final Score: Oregon 32, Ole Miss 25
Notes: Last season, Oregon is losing championship game to Florida State by only one point. During offseason, fans of Ducks is not sleeping, rolling over on hay mattress again and again, making many trips to outdoor latrine with only one thought – why is this team, which is so good for entire regular season, failing to win championship?

This season, Ducks is experiencing early frustration – beating darlings of 2013 Louisville and Boston College, but also losing to bitter District 8 rivals, Cal Golden Bears and UCLA. Then, beginning in Week Six, Oregon is resembling MiG fighter jet on secret KGB mission – to shoot down and destroy all enemies and fly to top of Top Power 25 rankings AGAIN! Mission is success so far – Oregon is once again advancing to national championship game, this time to play Ohio State, to determine true champion of all college football.

r3-t1-fiestabowl

Game: Fiesta Bowl
Location: Glendale, AZ
Final Score: Ohio State 32, TCU 31
Notes: In most exciting contest of playoff semifinal round, Ohio State is defeating tough TCU by only one point, to advance to championship game against top-seed Oregon Ducks. Why is Buckeyes proving too hard of nut for Horned Frogs to puncture? Soviet supercomputer is finding that in order to win this game, top-rank offense and #4-rank defense of Buckeyes is needing every milligram of strength to defeat TCU, who is also bringing powerful balance of offense (#4) and defense (#10), and also #1 in perception of disrespect!

Even in defeat, fans of Horned Frogs is proud – team is rising from mediocre 6-6 team last season, making Commie Football playoffs for first time, almost advancing to championship game! Is perhaps good enough in ESPN world, but not Commie Football. Do svidaniya, Horned Frogs!

In day or two, we are telling what is happening on Tier 2 semifinal games.

Return next week to find out WHO IS HAVING BIGGEST O!