Week Two: Fear & Confusion!

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putin-confusedIn early weeks of new American college football season, many fan is visiting Commie Football website and seeing surprise upset defeat of strong team by seeming weak team. Is causing fear and confusion. Why is this result? Is part because strong team (such as defending champion Ohio State Buckeyes) is yet experiencing hangover from too much celebratory shampanskoye and is playing sloppy football in early games of new season. But is also part because Commie Football supercomputer is penalizing strong team who is scheduling weak, cupcake opponent from different Tier for automatic win!

MISS_2015

In celebration of Week Two 43-37 victory over hated rival, Crimson Tide of Alabama, Ole Miss is making official, permanent change from dark blue to light blue helmet color, which is reminding of beautiful reflection of Siberian sky in still waters of Lake Baikal.

You are seeing this happen in Week Two of Commie Football season, when seeming strong team such as Oregon Ducks is falling like Berlin in 1945 to weak Washington State Cougars, by score 36-29! Auburn Tigers is also losing to weak Bulls of South Florida, by score 31-28! Once mighty Louisville Cardinals is losing to seeming weak Red Wolves of Arkansas State (who is ironic having strongest nickname in college football), by score 28-15! Weak American military preparatory school Army Black Knights is somehow finding strength to defeat District 1 bully Boston College Eagles by low score of 14-8!

Is Soviet supercomputer technology broken? Nyet, comrade. Many game scores is meeting fan expectation, with few surprise twist!

In Commie Football, superior organization and schedule matrix is making for more difficult journey to championship glory for all teams. Only true strongest team is able to conquer 12 regular season plus four playoff games without losing at least one game. After only two weeks of new season, is only 25 of 96 teams on Tier 1 level yet unbeaten! In NCAA, is seeming every FBS team “unbeaten” with two or three cupcake opponent in fat, pig stomach!

So I’m helping Georgy run his score calculations, and he goes, “What is this?” and mutters something in Russian (first I’ve heard him speak in days, btw). Then he says “Yale Bulldogs is losing in both week one and week two, first to Central Arkansas, then to Ivy League rival Brown.” What can I say, man? First off – I’m not there to help out, so those losses aren’t mine. Second – I can’t help it if Yale gets penalized for scheduling Cornell and Colgate (“Tier 3″ teams, according to Georgy). I mean, Harvard scheduled Rhode Island, so it’s not like they’re booking top-flight non-Ivy competition, you know? Season’s still young, dude – nobody’s panicking!

I guess Harvard is like, totally crushing Yale in the Commie Football standings so far. You’d think I’d brag about it more – you know, higher U.S. News & World Report ranking, higher average ACT/SAT/AP scores for incoming freshmen, higher Commie Football ranking – I mean, Harvard’s pretty much better than Yale in all measurable statistical categories, right? Thing is, I’m still a little bit hurt about begin expelled, so I’m having some mixed feelings right now about The Yard. I mean, in some ways I still bleed Crimson. Then again… don’t we all? Ha! Get it, because technically we all have red blood? OMG. Anyway – the other reason I don’t want to brag too much is because I’m afraid Kyle might beat me senseless.

Here is few other interesting Week 2 game results:

  • Ohio 18 vs. Ohio State 26
  • Indiana 20 vs. Michigan State 53
  • TCU 54 vs. Tulsa 37
  • Baylor 79 vs. Texas State 33
  • Illinois 18 vs. Notre Dame 39
  • Georgia 52 vs. South Carolina 20
  • Louisiana Tech 27 vs. LSU 42
  • San Diego State 18 vs. UCLA 46
  • Florida 7 vs. Florida State 12
  • Oklahoma 33 vs. Oklahoma State 54

WHERE IS TOP POWER RANKING?

Top Power ranking is to return following Week Three games. Only fool is revealing premature power ranking early in season, using inadequate data! Three games is minimum requirement of Commie Football supercomputer to have adequate data for proper calculation.

To demonstrate how ranking with limited data is making no sense, supercomputer is placing Washington Huskies as #1 team after Week One. This week, is now Notre Dame Fighting Irish, follow by Georgia, Iowa, West Virginia, UCLA, Northwestern, Washington, Mizzou, Florida State, and Rutgers.

There, you are now reading premature top 10 teams! You are happy? Nyet, you are more confused!

WHERE IS TIER 2?

Rich, lazy Ivy League is finally playing football games like rest of nation, so Tier 2 standings and scoreboard is now complete. On Tier 2 level, is only 30 of 96 teams yet unbeaten.

Here is few interesting game results:

  • Bowling Green 55 vs. Eastern Michigan 19
  • Alabama A&M 25 vs. Western Kentucky 75
  • Alabama State 11 vs. Jacksonville State 41
  • Buffalo 22 vs. Toledo 38
  • Central Michigan 42 vs. Western Michigan 24
  • Georgia Southern 46 vs. Mercer 13
  • Grambling 24 vs. Louisiana-Monroe 19
  • Harvard 30 vs. New Hampshire 10
  • Idaho 36 vs. Montana 29
  • New Mexico 22 vs. New Mexico State 56
  • North Dakota State 25 vs. South Dakota State 35

Tier 2 Top Power ranking is also premature, but #1 rank is held at this time by Bowling Green Falcons, who is perhaps having something to prove following Tier 2 relegation in off-season. Behind BGSU is Stony Brook, William & Mary, San Jose State, James Madison, Toledo, Georgia Southern, Princeton, FIU, and UMass.

There, you are now seeing premature Top 10 rankings from Tier 2! This information is confidential. Please, no distribution. Many men is gladly dying to protect.

Week One: You Are Hearing Large Boom?

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2015 Commie Football season is beginning

CUPCAKES FOR LAZY AMERICANS

Is peculiar tradition of NCAA college football, where strong team is playing weak, cupcake opponent in first game (or three) of season. Cupcake team is receiving many dollars to endure brutal beating in front of hostile crowd, who is drooling like rabid wolf and becoming frenzy as scoreboard is climbing to ludicrous score! Fans is then driving home to American suburb house very happy, stuffing face with Big Mac hamburger, thinking favorite team is certain to enjoy undefeated championship season!

So, you know how it’s like, the time of changing seasons? College football season starting… the short Russian summer turning into brutally cold Russian fall? The new intern from Yale coming in and messing up my flow? Anyway – speaking of seasons – we finally made it through all 10 seasons of “Friends” and I thought it was even better the third time around! You just catch so many more details, you know? And Georgy absolutely got waaay into it. After it was done, he was like “Let us watch continuing story of Josef Tribbiani” and I was like YESSSSS and so we did. All 46 episodes. Didn’t sleep for days.  I’m just gonna say it – that show totally did NOT get the respect it deserves!It took longer than expected to rebuild the satellite feed equipment, but that wasn’t my fault. I had found a sweet set of tools in one of the supply chambers and was all ready to work. Then Georgy says he wants me to hold off until we finish the final two seasons of “Friends.” He goes something like, “We must find how beautiful love story of Ross and Rashel is ending.” Spoiler alert. They live happily ever after. So when it’s finally over, it takes like, 10 minutes for me to fix the feeds and monitors. What’s the first thing Georgy wants to do, now that we have restored satellite communications? I hear Bobby over there whining and whispering in Georgy’s ear, and G suddenly goes “We must find out ultimate fate to story of Josef Tribbiani.” I don’t know, bro – I’m really starting to wonder about this internship.

In Commie Football, is very different. Innovative schedule formula is making top Tier 1 teams from previous 2014 season play other strong teams in Week One. Cupcake game against true weakling opponent is impossible! Every subsequent week is important, difficult battle. Only true strongest team is winning Division, then District, then three more playoff games against top opponents, to win championship.

Only cupcake is at ceremonial meal following championship game. Is customary reward for head coach of winning team to eat (if there is available sugar).

Ohio State Buckeyes is 2014 champion. No team in history is ever making repeat champion of Commie Football! Who will be 2015 season champion? You are feeling excitement?

Here is highlight scores of top games on Week One Schedule, pitting best teams from previous 2014 season:

  • Florida State 30 vs. USC 28
  • Ole Miss 54 vs. Oregon 22
  • Penn State 13 vs. TCU 29
  • East Carolina 15 vs. Ohio State 38
  • Georgia 34 vs. Michigan State 22
  • Arizona State 16 vs. Notre Dame 38
  • Mississippi State 14 vs. Stanford 23
  • Baylor 30 vs. West Virginia 32
  • Clemson 33 vs. Louisville 21
  • Arkansas 22 vs. Temple 27

Some results is surprise to you? You must remember – complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm is penalizing teams who is scheduling cupcake game! When Michigan State is having much struggle against weak Western Michigan (who is good Tier 2 team in Commie Football), algorithm is utilizing information as mathematical factor. When high-power Baylor Bears is allowing many points to tiny, who-is-this, Tier 2-level Lamar Cardinals, Soviet algorithm is punishing Bears.

You are finding complete Week One scoreboard at this link. Da, okay… so in truth, is not quite complete scoreboard.

WHY IS NOT QUITE COMPLETE SCOREBOARD?

Soviet supercomputer algorithm is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation. Is few teams on Tier 2 level – all from lazy Ivy League (home of Intern Kyle and former intern, now “member of staff” Bobby, who is especially lazy) – who is not playing football games yet in 2015 NCAA season. Is impossible for Soviet supercomputer then to crunch these data. Once every team is playing game, then supercomputer is having proper data and all Commie Football game scores is being calculated. You must be patient, like famous Soviet sharpshooter Vasily Zaytsev.

WHERE IS NEW TOP POWER RANKING?

Only idiot is making ranking of strongest teams following first game of new season! As example, is Huskies of Washington who is #1 Top Power rank after Week One results. Data is yet imperfect. Soviet supercomputer will begin making true Top Power calculation, to begin after Week Three of PUACF season.

Week Three: Return of Top Power Ranking

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Who is true Top Power?Week Three of 2014 Commie Football season is now written in history book. Every team is having played two other teams from same Division, so “order of pecking” is looking more clear to all American college football fans.

RETURN OF TOP POWER 25

Many fan is excited to see return of Top Power 25 ranking system. Is happening because of complicated Soviet supercomputer algorithm. Is very best way to rank American college football teams, because is based on most important statistic – NUMBER OF VICTORIES. In world of Commie Football, because every team is playing fair schedule, with elimination of all cupcake games against teams from inferior level, every victory is hard work and true measure of strength! And oh – is not possible to have 3/4 of teams in District with winning record, like in SEC or Pac 12 conference of old times!

Next important part of algorithm is where Soviet supercomputer is becoming necessary. Is taking combination of factor – strength of victory, strength of opponent, and critical measures of offense and defense output. This number is called “TP SCORE” and is showing overall relative strength of team versus other team with same number of victories.

This is much better solution than panel of American college football “expert committee” featuring former Secretary of State of old USA (before Soviet takeover). Is better than large group of “pollsters” picking favorite local team every week, even if team is having less victories than team in other administrative district. Is better than team having most dollars from wealthy capitalist “booster” collective, and this team is now top of ranking and stupid Americans is thinking this is mystery of how?!

Here is first Top Power 25 ranking of season. Only idiot is making ranking before Week Three of season! Making debut at top of 2014 Commie Football Top Power 25 ranking is Aggies of Texas A&M (3-0). Rest of top five is including Ole Miss, Stanford, TCU, and Baylor. Champion from last season Seminoles of Florida State, is appearing at #6. Razorbacks is somewhat surprise at #7, but biggest surprise is unbeaten Temple Owls at #8.

I am understanding how you are now thinking – this early ranking is very interesting, but is maybe changing very much before end of season. Where is Crimson Tide? How is Temple Owls from weak District 1 in top 10?

If this is how you are thinking, you are needing to have deep breath! Is very natural for Top Power 25 to experience big change during season, like ugly duckling that is one day growing into delicious goose, in time for ceremonial end-of-year slaughter.

Intern Bobby is saying...Bobby’s back in the shack! Hey guys – I’m like, super sorry about what happened on Twitter last week. Long story short – I “accidentally” sent out a bunch of tweets at the same time, and Georgy screamed at me (repeatedly… and now stuck on an endless loop in my brain) “LIKE PK MACHINE GUN!” I didn’t think it was that big a deal, you know? But Georgy likes everything to be *ideal’no* – you have to start the fire with small wood, you can’t nick the potatoes when you’re digging with a metal shovel, you have to close all the HTML tags, or whatever. Anyway – he kicked me off of tweeting for a few days, and I had to do this huge, miles-long, hike through the woods BY MYSELF to some random mailbox positioned along this gravel road out in the middle of nowhere to fetch “very critical parcel”. I totally got frostbite, and I was all worried about carrying it so far, but it turned out to be like, the size of a penny – some computer part or something. Got lost on the way back and had to sleep in this like, abandoned missile silo or something. Georgy was all worried when I got back, and even gave me an extra cup of hot tea (and surprise, no sugar). I’m out!

Here is review of stories in Tier 1 Districts:

  • District 1: Unbeaten Temple Owls (3-0, #8) is dominating Syracuse (1-1) 27-10; Nittany Lions of Penn State (2-0, #10) is beating old rival West Virginia (2-1, #22) 35-23; Navy (2-1) is ruining perfect record of Virginia Cavaliers (2-1).
  • District 2: Surprising Kentucky Wildcats (3-0, #13) is taking down Clemson (1-2) 26-21; Also surprising NC State (3-0, #17) is tackling rival Duke (1-2) 20-11; In big rivalry game, Georgia Bulldogs (2-1) is swatting with hand Yellowjackets of Georgia Tech (0-3) 29-13.
  • District 3: Notre Dame (3-0, #16) is yet perfect following 32-23 victory over Michigan State (1-2); Ohio State Buckeyes is showing still dominant in South Division, is beating Marshall Thundering Herd (1-2) 41-18; Last year power Louisville Cardinals (2-1) is maybe waking up, is destroying Golden Flashes of Kent State (0-3) by 33-5 score.
  • District 4: What is happening to Crimson Tide (0-3)? Is surprise losing again, this week to Ole Miss (3-0) (who is surprise #2 Top Power rank)! Defending 2013 champion Florida State (3-0, #6) is easy defeating rival Gators of Florida, but is not at #1 Top Power rank! Auburn (3-0, #9) and Mississippi State (3-0, #11) is also yet unbeaten.
  • District 5: Every team in District is losing one or more game. Wisconsin (2-1) is showing no mercy to Fighting Illini (1-2), is winning 69-19;  Cornhuskers (2-1, #24) is close beating Iowa 31-27; Mizzou (2-1) is winning close 24-21 Border War victory over rival Kansas Jayhawks (0-3).
  • District 6: District is having four teams in top 10 power rank. Aggies of Texas A&M is #1 rank after 58-6 massacre of SMU (0-3); TCU Horned Frogs (3-0, #4) is surprise high rank after 29-18 win over UTSA (1-2); Baylor Bears (3-0, #5) is making dominant 30-19 win vs. Longhorns (1-2); Also do not forget about Razorbacks of Arkansas (3-0, #7), who is making surprise easy mincemeat on LSU (2-1, #21).
  • District 7: Oklahoma Sooners (3-0, #17) is best team in District by Top Power rank, is beating Arizona Wildcats (1-2) 45-41; Utah Utes (1-2) is winning Holy War 30-25 victory over BYU (2-1).
  • District 8: Oregon State Beavers (3-0, #15) is showing California Golden Bears (2-1) what is meaning to be unbeaten! Also, UCLA (3-0, #12), USC (3-0, #14), and Washington Huskies (3-0, #19) is yet unbeaten.

TIER 2, TOO

Twenty-five percent of 2014 season is also finish on Tier 2. Is yet 23 teams with unbeaten 3-0 record, with many familiar names at top of Tier 2 Top Power rankings: Chanticleers of Coastal Carolina (#1), Villanova (#2), Colorado State Rams (#3), Appalachian State (#4), Old Dominion (#5). Further down list, a few unfamiliar names is appearing: Charlotte (#6), North Carolina A&T (#7), etc. As in Tier 1, Top Power rankings is more volatile early in season, but is true, best measure of strength of all teams!

Important note – now that Ivy League football is finally playing games, Commie Football game results for Week One and Week Two is now also being complete. Intern Bobby is very sad, because alma mater Harvard Crimson is having terrible start at 0-3. Is maybe too much time studying useless academic books, not enough time practicing football game!

Week One: Is Many Big Bangs

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wk1-many-big-bangsIn old times of NCAA, all American college football teams is playing cupcake opponent in first week (or more) of season. Many teams at top FBS level is then bragging about undefeated record and fans is thinking this team is for destiny to be BCS champion! As season is progressing, undefeated teams is having argument about who is best ranking, because teams is never playing game against each other until executives for bowl game named after corporation is thinking they are making many rubles for certain teams to meet in this game on television.

In Commie Football, innovative schedule formula is set in iron, is making top Tier 1 teams from previous season play other strong teams, one following another. Such thing as easy cupcake game is not existing! Every week is tough game against Tier 1 opponent, and only true strongest team is winning Division, plus four playoff games against top opponents, to win championship. Only cupcake is at championship meal after season. Is customary reward for head coach of winning team to eat (if there is available sugar).

intern-bobby-is-saying

OMG. So I’m *psyched* that the season has finally started! Especially because Georgy had me doing all of this weird stuff – gathering wood, digging potatoes, polishing his bayonet collection, etc. and I was all like “What does this have to do with football?” and he’s like “You are seeing this American movie – Karate Kid? Comrade Miyagi?” And I’m like, “Old man – that movie was made before I was even BORN!” I mean, who am I? Like, Nostradamus?! Anyway, I was always pretty good at math, so I’m helping Georgy with all of his “secret spreadsheets”. Oh, and I also started whittling. Peace out!

 

 

 

Is very difficult for Commie Football champion to repeat two years consecutive. 2013 champion Seminoles of Florida State is continuing as strong team in Week One of 2014 season, but Utah State Aggies, only two seasons later from glorious 2012 Commie Football championship, is now being destroyed 41-5 by Florida Gators in opening week. Here is other highlights of top teams from last season on Week One Scoreboard:

  • Florida State 35, Oklahoma State 26
  • Oregon 39, Louisville 26
  • Oklahoma 31, Alabama 21
  • Auburn 40, Boise State 19
  • Georgia 40, Connecticut 15
  • Texas A&M 36, Northwestern 18
  • Baylor 41, Missouri 13
  • USC 20, Ohio State 18
  • LSU 23, Wisconsin 16
  • Virginia Tech 24, Boston College 18
  • UCLA 33, Michigan State 26
  • Stanford 23, Michigan 9

You are finding complete Week One scoreboard at this link. Well… is almost complete scoreboard.

WHY IS NOT COMPLETE SCORES?

Commie Football scoreboard is based on complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm, but supercomputer is requiring proper data (and many pieces of firewood) for program to make proper calculation. When temperature outside is too dangerous cold for gathering of firewood, Intern Bobby is chopping up wooden furniture to feed to supercomputer. But when few teams, for example Cincinnati Bearcats (Tier 1, District 3) and all Ivy League teams on Tier 2, is not playing any football games yet, is impossible for computer to crunch these numbers. When all teams are playing games, then supercomputer is having proper data and all old game scores is then being calculated.

WHERE IS TOP POWER RANKING?

Soviet supercomputer is also needing complete data for making Top Power calculation. Is only idiot who is making rankings of best teams, following first game of new season.