Week Six: How Tall Can Tree Grow?

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Here is KGB photograph showing Hyperion, tallest growing American tree. Was very difficult to locate, climb, and burn Commie Football symbol in trunk.

Here is KGB photograph showing Hyperion, tallest growing American tree. Was very difficult to locate, climb, and burn Commie Football symbol in trunk.

FOOTBALL IS GAME, WITH BOTH PHYSICAL AND INTELLIGENCE DIFFICULTY!

Is not coincidence. Top researchers at every American university is working all hours, day and night, to develop superior football playbook. Now, at halfway point of 2015 Commie Football season, result of scientific work is rise to #1 Top Power rank of teams with most power in brains!

STAN

Last week, is ascension of Harvard Crimson to #1 rank on Tier 2 level. After Week Six, is now also Tier 1 football school with superior academic reputation at top of heap. Unbeaten Stanford Cardinal (6-0) is new #1 Top Power rank team, following 56-22 victory vs. Nevada Wolf Pack.

But what is happening to previous #1 rank team, Wolverines of Michigan? Is disaster game, no fan is predicting! Wolverines is falling prey to Memphis Tigers (4-2), who is winning in 32-23 upset, dropping Michigan to #6 rank. Is becoming curious pattern for Memphis, who is making similar upset defeat of then-#1 rank Ole Miss last season. Tigers is now leading weak District 3 South division. Is very good result for team who is playing only on Tier 2 level in 2013 season! Perhaps is too good… if you catch meaning (notify KGB, quiet).

MANY TEARS ACROSS NATION, IS NATURAL

Spoiled American college football fans is making complaint with only three remaining unbeaten teams on Tier 1 level. Fans is accustomed to favorite team being always undefeated halfway into season. This is due to ridiculous easy cupcake games in early weeks. In old system, is easy way for AP Top 25 team to remain unbeaten long into season, creating artificial, unearned excitement when meeting other “ranked” team. In world of Commie Football, with superior schedule system, this is impossible dream! Undefeated season is rare, much like precious Rose Trellis egg.

In Week 6, all teams is playing game vs. opponent from same District (but in opposite division). Here is review of Commie Football action, in this week:

  • District 1: Scarlet Knights of Rutgers (5-1, #13 rank) is teaching WVU painful lesson in 59-45 victory to claim lead of North division; Weak Syracuse (2-4) is upset defeating Penn State (4-2) 38-27, but Nittany Lions is yet retaining lead of South.
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (5-1, #15 rank) is defeating Volunteers of Tennessee 27-10, earning 2-game lead in North division; New Tier 1 team Appalachian State (5-1, #12 rank) is continuing surprise success, defeating Wake Forest 40-21 to remain on top of South.
  • District 3: As is report already, Memphis Tigers (4-2) is shocking top-rank Wolverines (5-1, now drop to #6) in 32-23 upset victory; Defending champion The Ohio State (4-2) is defeating Kentucky 34-18; Michigan State Spartans (4-2) is enjoying 31-19 easy victory vs. Thundering Herd of Marshall.
  • District 4: South Florida Bulls (5-1, #20 rank) is winning much, defeating Ragin’ Cajuns 36-22 to maintain East division lead; Crimson Tide (5-1, #11 rank) is creating too much red water for Gators to swim in 38-25 victory; Tigers of LSU (5-1, #19 rank) is narrow defeating Auburn 31-29, to make tie with Bama for lead in West division.
  • District 5: Notre Dame (5-1) is return to #5 Top Power rank after 48-15 defeat of Kansas State (5-1), who is dropping far from #5 to #17; Hawkeyes of Iowa (5-1, #8 rank) is handing first defeat of season to Northwestern (5-1, #14) by score 40-10; Mizzou (5-1, #9) is defeating Golden Gophers of Minnesota 27-17, to create three-way tie for lead in South division!
  • District 6: Oklahoma State (5-1, #4 rank) is introducing Texas A&M (5-1, #18) to concept of loss in 39-23 win; Sooners of Oklahoma (5-1, #10 rank) is trapping Baylor (4-2, #25) in bear trap in 47-31 victory; Who is having sharpest horn? Horned Frogs of TCU (5-1, #16 rank) is defeating Texas Longhorns 40-22 to claim honor.
  • District 7: Boise State (5-1, #7 rank) is leader of North division after 45-28 victory vs. UTSA; Utah Utes (4-2, #24 rank) is defeating Arizona Wildcats 33-28, is now massive jam of logs in South division with four teams having mediocre 3-3 record.
  • District 8 is rare boasting three top teams (and none with name Duck or Trojan)! Unbeaten Washington Huskies (6-0) is rising to #2 Top Power rank following 31-28 victory vs. USC; Golden Bears of Cal (6-0, #3 rank) is yet unbeaten after 24-21 victory vs. San Diego State Aztecs; And da, da – of course is also Stanford.

CZAR OF TIER 2 IS NERD, ALSO

Here is games with teams in Top 5:

  1. Defending #1 Top Power rank on Tier 2 level in battle of ancient Ivy League rivals, Harvard Crimson (6-0) is remain unbeaten with 40-15 victory over hated Princeton Tigers. Next is
  2. James  Madison Dukes (6-0, #2 rank), who is beating Charlotte 36-17.
  3. Georgia Southern Eagles (6-0) is enjoying delicious 40-21 victory over Terriers of Wofford.
  4. Sneaky McNeese State Cowboys (6-0, #4) is defeating rival from Louisiana SSR, Grambling, by score 31-24.
  5. Bearkats of Sam Houston State (6-0, #5) is winning against Jackson State, 31-26. SHSU is always very sneaky team.

GOOD JOB FOR INTERN

Stanford logo with large pine tree is reminding – is very large tree growing near Emergency Secondary Headquarters, perhaps 100 meters tall. Is much taller than surrounding trees. I am worrying of branch falling in massive ice storm, and possible damage to electric wires. I am sending Intern Kyle to chop down this tree, using only axe and rope. Former intern (now member of staff) Bobby is to assist Kyle, perhaps to hold rope.

This large tree is very beautiful. Will supply much firewood for coming difficult Siberian winter.

Week Three: Beware of Duck, Falling from Sky

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Is mystery how beaver could operate airplane?

Is mystery how beaver could operate airplane? Only in USSR is military scientists training animals for combat using modern machinery.

ALL ANIMAL IS HUNTING, KILLING, DEVOURING DUCK

Every week, is many surprise in Commie Football. As example, in Week Three of 2015 season is simultaneous losing of both teams from 2014 championship game. Ohio State Buckeyes, perhaps looking too far at future opponents Michigan and Notre Dame, is overlooking Hoosiers of Indiana (mere 3-9 record last season), and is losing in shock 28-21 upset defeat. Most surprise is sudden fall of Oregon Ducks, two-time consecutive loser of PUACF championship game, who is now losing ALL games, dropping to pathetic 0-3 record after disaster 43-31 defeat by rival little brother team of Oregon SSR, Beavers of Oregon State. At bottom of District 8 North division, is playoff hope of Ducks already dead like Trotsky?

Why is this happen? Due to superior logic of Commie Football schedule, best teams from one season is playing more difficult schedule in next. Same team winning most games for many consecutive seasons is indeed rare, like delicate Fabergé egg.

TOP POWER RANKING IS BIGGER, MORE BETTER

Who is true Top Power?Only idiot is making college football ranking before Week Three of season! Is why Commie Football is waiting until now to reveal new Top Power Ranking, result of complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm. Always to provide more information, position of all 96 teams on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels will be updated for display every week. Top Power system is based first on most important statistic – NUMBER OF VICTORIES. Next is combination of many factors – strength of victory, strength of opponent, and critical measures of offense and defense output. This number is called TP SCORE and is showing overall relative strength of team versus other team with same number of victories.

In world of Commie Football, every team is playing fair schedule. Elimination of all cupcake games against teams from inferior level is meaning every victory is true challenge, and meaningful measure of strength. Is impossible for almost all teams in District to have winning record, like in corrupt SEC or Big 12 conference of old times!

After three games of 2015 season, here is new “Top Dawg” in town! Unbeaten Georgia Bulldogs is debut #1 Top Power team of 2015, following impressive victories over Michigan State, South Carolina Gamecocks, and hated rival Georgia Tech Yellowjackets.

Remainder of debut Top Power Ranking is here. After Bulldogs, rest of top ten is this: West Virginia, Florida State, UCLA, Ole Miss, Mizzou, Michigan, Rutgers, Notre Dame, and Kansas State.

You are now thinking – where is powerful MSU Spartans? Why is lack of respect for TCU Horned Frogs and Bears of Baylor? Is important to recognize – is natural for Top Power Rankings to experience many change during season, in same way beautiful Ural Mountain meadow is changing through season from wild-growing flowers to deep, impenetrable ice and gangrene.

Here is review of Week Three stories from Tier 1 Districts:

  • District 1: Rutgers is yet unbeaten (3-0, #8) after 28-11 victory vs. Boston College; Also unbeaten UConn Huskies (3-0, #15) is defeating Syracuse 29-26 in OT; WVU (3-0) is destroying rival Terps of Maryland 45-6.
  • District 2: Is shock, shame in Clemson after Tigers is fall victim to 21-13 upset by new Tier 1 teamAppalachian State (2-1); Blue Devils of Duke (2-1) is fighting to top of District 2 North with 33-22 victory over Wake Forest; NC State (1-2) is proving superior to Tarheels of North Carolina, 30-23.
  • District 3: Memphis Tigers (2-1) is top District 3 South team after huge 64-24 destruction of Arkansas State Red Wolves; Unbeaten Wolverines of Michigan (3-0, #7) is alone top District 3 North after 29-12 victory over Ohio Bobcats; Michigan State (2-1) is feeling lucky to have narrow 34-33 win vs. Bearcats of Cincinnati.
  • District 4: Unbeaten FSU (3-0) is defeating USF Bulls 29-12 to debut at #3 Top Power rank; Ole Miss is moving to 3-0, #5 rank following easy 49-11 defeat of Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette; LSU (3-0, #14) is past difficult test, beating tough like skin of cow Mississippi State 22-20.
  • District 5: Northwestern Wildcats (3-0, #16) is lifting glorious Land Of Lincoln Trophy following 31-25 defeat of Fighting Illini; Mizzou (3-0, #6) is topping crowded District 5 South after 35-19 defeat of Nebraska Cornhuskers; Fighting Irish of Notre Dame (3-0, #9) is claim mythic Shillelagh Trophy after 51-34 defeat of rival Indiana SSR team Purdue.
  • District 6: Sooners of Oklahoma (2-1) is making many fine points in 68-24 victory over SMU; Oklahoma State (2-1, #19) is making large statement in 44-41 OT victory vs. Horned Frogs of TCU; Texas A&M (3-0, #18) is showing rival Texas Longhorns who is top sheriff of Texas SSR in 29-24 victory.
  • District 7: Texas Tech Red Raiders (2-1) is improve position after 47-34 defeat of Arizona State Sun Devils; Boise State (2-1, #20) is claiming epic 41-38 OT victory over Utah Utes; Colorado Buffalos (2-1, #24) is scoring unusual 24-0 shutout victory over BYU.
  • District 8: Bruins of UCLA (3-0, #4) is taking easy 42-15 victory over Hawaii Rainbow Warriors to sit top District 8 South; Stanford (3-0, #17) is defeating winless Aztecs of San Diego State 40-22, tying with Bruins for South division lead; Huskies of Washington (3-0, #12) is drinking from delicious Apple Cup trophy after 33-24 victory vs. hated rival Wazzou.

IS TOO, TIER 2

Do not forget about intense competition on Tier 2 level! Is only 16 teams remaining with unbeaten 3-0 record, with many interesting names at top of Tier 2 Top Power rankings: Bowling Green (#1); William & Mary (#2); Toledo Rockets (#3); Princeton (#4); San Jose State (#5); James Madison (#6); Salukis of Southern Illinois (#7); FIU (#8); 2014 runner-up Western Kentucky (#9); and McNeese State (#10). Like Tier 1, Tier 2 Top Power Rankings is very volatile early in season. Yet is true, best measure of strength of all teams!

STAFF UPDATE

“Member of Staff” Bobby is prancing about, puffing chest like vazhnichat’, due to perfect 3-0 record of Harvard Crimson (#11), in spite of Bobby now being expelled from this school! Nemesis Yale football team is beginning season opposite way, already with 0-3 record. This is causing Intern Kyle (who is prestigious “red shirt” member of Bulldogs team) to become very angry, breaking logs for furnace with forehead, instead of using provided handsaw.