Week Seven: Remembered Shame is Fuel of Later Victory

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SHAME! Is common feeling in Commie Football.

SHAME! Is common feeling in Commie Football.

LAZY AMERICANS. SO EAGER TO DRIVE SUPERHIGHWAY, AVOID ROAD OF DIRT.

In every old capitalist college football system – NCAA, FBS, BCS, or CFP – is very common for team to be perfect 7-0 by this time of season. Why is this? Is because of nonsense conference system! Is because of incentive to pack schedule full with cupcake games, like young piglet stuffing for later slaughter! Is because of artificial popularity poll made by undeserving committee, a creation of hungry-for-advertising-revenue American television corporation, who is then saying every game is with very best teams! Bred sivoy kobyly!

Uggggh. Boooooored! Georgy is all like, TOTALLY obsessed with teaching us about Soviet military history, and I’m just like, barely awake… Leningrad, Novgorod, Stalingrad, Ostrogozhsk–Rossosh… BLUURRRGGG. Pass the kvass! Know what I’m sayin’? Anyway, I’m learning a lot, I guess. Oh, and what else was there… maybe just that… HARVARD’S STILL NUMBER ONE TOP POWER RANKING ON TIER 2, baby! Kyle, did you see that? I find that very interesting. I find that to be exceptional, don’t you think? The Russians love them some CRIMSON, amirite? Oh, but SIGGGH. It’s so lonely on the top. Perhaps the 1% know the pain of which I speak? Yeah, Georgy’s all like, fired up about the Battle of Kharkov or whatever, and I’m just like “DUDE. You don’t GET IT.” You know? Because I’m like, FREAKING OUT right now after Yale beat UMass this week. 36 to 34. And I know Yale’s like, still only 2-5 and totally in last place in the Tier 2, District 1 North division, and it’s not like it’s gonna be easy to get past Southern Miss and, YEAH, FINE – Harvard in the last game of the season. Aw, man – wouldn’t it be SWEET if Yale totally won out and Harvard lost the rest of their games, and it came down to the final game of the year – Harvard’s 7 and 4 and Yale’s 6 and 5 – and Yale totally beats Harvard’s ass and WINS THE DIVISION based on head-to-head tiebreaker? Dude! You would NOT be able to deny – that would be a total SIGN FROM GOD about what I’m supposed to do to Bobby.

When top college football team is suffering even one loss in antiquated system of NCAA, fans is weeping like drunken American debyutantka in nightclub bathroom, cursing before-favorite coach and young players. Football critics is saying is impossible for this team to now win “invitation” to miniature CFP playoff for make championship game.

Reaction is ridiculous! Is demonstration of weakness! Did Soviet Union quit war following disaster in First Battle of Kiev? NYET! Did fall of Kharkov result in Soviet surrender? NYET! One or two losing battles is not meaning war is finish!

PAIN NOW FOR LATER GLORY, IS POSSIBLE

Before Week Seven of Commie Football season, is only eight remaining unbeaten teams total, on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels. Now, is even less! Washington Huskies (6-1) is losing first game of season by 31-29 score to back-from-dead Oregon Ducks (2-5). Also in District 8, California Golden Bears (6-1) is falling in defeat for first time by score 43-33 to Cougars of Washington State (4-3). Only one team is remaining unbeaten on Tier 1 level – but how long can Stanford Cardinal (7-0), who is enjoying easy 31-17 victory over Hawaii in Week Seven, remain without blemish, like rare Isaak Brodsky painting?

On Tier 2 level, is more damage for unbeaten teams! James Madison, Georgia Southern, and Sam Houston State is all suffering first loss of season in Week Seven.

Is season now over for Huskies and Cal? Should JMU, Georgia Southern, and Sam Houston abandon schedule and quit season? Is championship dream over for any team with only one loss?

NYET! Is only one battle! Full Commie Football season is long war, and is yet many opportunity for enough victory to make 16-team playoff and possible championship! Is fact – only teams with six or seven losses is already ineligible for playoff, but this is now include only 13 of 96 teams on Tier 1 level!

But da, single loss in playoff is resulting in immediate death.

Here is summary of results for exciting Week 7 games in Commie Football:

  • District 1: Temple Owls (5-2) is defeating Syracuse 24-17, moving back into tie for North division lead with Rutgers, who is losing 40-22 in medieval battle between Scarlet Knights and Black Knights of Army (3-4); Pitt Panthers (2-5) is tasting delicious nectar of 27-25 victory vs. nemesis Nittany Lions (4-3); WVU (4-3) is taking advantage with 29-22 victory vs. Navy Midshipmen to stay in South division playoff race.
  • District 2: Blue Devils (6-1, #8 rank) 35-28 victory vs. East Carolina is giving Duke a two-game lead in North division; Georgia Bulldogs (4-3) is teaching upstart Appalachian State (5-2, #20) a hard lesson in 26-19 victory; Clemson (5-2, #24) is destroying Tennessee Vols in 39-7 annihilation, to claim South division lead.
  • District 3: Buckeyes (5-2, #21 rank) is treating arch rival Michigan Wolverines (5-2, #13) to 30-16 beatdown; Michigan State (5-2, #17) is exploding all over Ohio Bobcats 67-17 to create 3-way tie with UM and OSU for North division lead; Memphis Tigers (5-2, #18) is surging with power to 54-29 victory vs. Kentucky Wildcats, to take lead in South.
  • District 4: South Florida Bulls (6-1, #10 rank) is destroying nemesis UCF 49-12 to maintain East division lead; Seminoles of FSU (5-2, #12) is lurking just behind after 37-11 victory vs. Miami Hurricanes; Ole Miss (5-2, #16) is recapturing advantage in West division with 28-12 victory vs. Louisiana Tech; Mississippi State (3-4) is clanging cowbell, defeating Crimson Tide (5-2, #22) in huge 28-17 upset victory; LSU (5-2) is missing good opportunity with embarrassing 34-30 defeat to usual weak Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette (4-3).
  • District 5: Fighting Irish (6-1, #3 rank) is making quiet comeback in Top Power rankings, fighting off Northwestern (5-2, #15) in key 31-29 victory; Iowa Hawkeyes (6-1, #4) is defeating Kansas State (5-2) 25-14 in equal critical South division game; Mizzou (6-1, #5) is sharing lead of South division following 24-18 victory vs. Cyclones of Iowa State
  • District 6: Oklahoma State (6-1) is gushing like Baku oil well up to #2 Top Power rank after 62-26 domination victory of Tulsa Golden Hurricane; Meanwhile, Oklahoma Sooners (6-1, #6) 55-40 win vs. Razorbacks of Arkansas is moving OU into 3-way tie for North division lead; Horned Frogs of TCU (6-1, #7) is third team in tie after easy 43-21 win vs. SMU; In South division, Houston Cougars (5-2, #25) is surprise beating Baylor Bears 43-27 in upset victory, is now tie for South lead with Texas A&M (5-2) who is embarrassing losing by score 21-19 to little Texas State Bobcats!
  • District 7: Defending Tier 2 champion Colorado State Rams (4-3) is surprising Boise State (5-2, #14 rank) in 26-24 upset victory; Air Force Falcons (4-3) is remaining in hunt for South division title with 37-19 victory vs.  ASU Sun Devils; Arizona Wildcats (4-3) is beating UTEP 38-29 to maintain tie for South division lead.
  • District 8: Oregon Ducks (2-5) is finally winning games, ruining perfect season of Washington Huskies (6-1, #9 rank) in 31-29 upset win; Wazzu (4-3) is also wrecking perfect season of Cal Golden Bears (6-1, #11) with 43-33 upset victory; Stanford (7-0, #1 rank) is last remaining unbeaten Tier 1 team after 31-17 win vs. Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii.

ON TIER 2, HERE IS NEWS OF TOP FIVE TEAMS

Harvard Crimson (7-0, #1 rank) is continue success with 39-18 victory vs. Brown to maintain #1 Top Power rank; In best game of week, featuring two unbeaten teams, McNeese State Cowboys (7-0, #2) is defeating Sam Houston State 29-25 to seize control of District 7 playoff race; Toledo Rockets (6-1, #3) is continue to fly high in 36-29 over Chippewas of Central Michigan; Southern Miss (6-1, #4) is efficient defeating of Samford by score 50-23; 2014 runner-up Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (6-1, #5) is climbing again near top of hill after 34-28 over Georgia State.

Week Six: How Tall Can Tree Grow?

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Here is KGB photograph showing Hyperion, tallest growing American tree. Was very difficult to locate, climb, and burn Commie Football symbol in trunk.

Here is KGB photograph showing Hyperion, tallest growing American tree. Was very difficult to locate, climb, and burn Commie Football symbol in trunk.

FOOTBALL IS GAME, WITH BOTH PHYSICAL AND INTELLIGENCE DIFFICULTY!

Is not coincidence. Top researchers at every American university is working all hours, day and night, to develop superior football playbook. Now, at halfway point of 2015 Commie Football season, result of scientific work is rise to #1 Top Power rank of teams with most power in brains!

STAN

Last week, is ascension of Harvard Crimson to #1 rank on Tier 2 level. After Week Six, is now also Tier 1 football school with superior academic reputation at top of heap. Unbeaten Stanford Cardinal (6-0) is new #1 Top Power rank team, following 56-22 victory vs. Nevada Wolf Pack.

But what is happening to previous #1 rank team, Wolverines of Michigan? Is disaster game, no fan is predicting! Wolverines is falling prey to Memphis Tigers (4-2), who is winning in 32-23 upset, dropping Michigan to #6 rank. Is becoming curious pattern for Memphis, who is making similar upset defeat of then-#1 rank Ole Miss last season. Tigers is now leading weak District 3 South division. Is very good result for team who is playing only on Tier 2 level in 2013 season! Perhaps is too good… if you catch meaning (notify KGB, quiet).

MANY TEARS ACROSS NATION, IS NATURAL

Spoiled American college football fans is making complaint with only three remaining unbeaten teams on Tier 1 level. Fans is accustomed to favorite team being always undefeated halfway into season. This is due to ridiculous easy cupcake games in early weeks. In old system, is easy way for AP Top 25 team to remain unbeaten long into season, creating artificial, unearned excitement when meeting other “ranked” team. In world of Commie Football, with superior schedule system, this is impossible dream! Undefeated season is rare, much like precious Rose Trellis egg.

In Week 6, all teams is playing game vs. opponent from same District (but in opposite division). Here is review of Commie Football action, in this week:

  • District 1: Scarlet Knights of Rutgers (5-1, #13 rank) is teaching WVU painful lesson in 59-45 victory to claim lead of North division; Weak Syracuse (2-4) is upset defeating Penn State (4-2) 38-27, but Nittany Lions is yet retaining lead of South.
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (5-1, #15 rank) is defeating Volunteers of Tennessee 27-10, earning 2-game lead in North division; New Tier 1 team Appalachian State (5-1, #12 rank) is continuing surprise success, defeating Wake Forest 40-21 to remain on top of South.
  • District 3: As is report already, Memphis Tigers (4-2) is shocking top-rank Wolverines (5-1, now drop to #6) in 32-23 upset victory; Defending champion The Ohio State (4-2) is defeating Kentucky 34-18; Michigan State Spartans (4-2) is enjoying 31-19 easy victory vs. Thundering Herd of Marshall.
  • District 4: South Florida Bulls (5-1, #20 rank) is winning much, defeating Ragin’ Cajuns 36-22 to maintain East division lead; Crimson Tide (5-1, #11 rank) is creating too much red water for Gators to swim in 38-25 victory; Tigers of LSU (5-1, #19 rank) is narrow defeating Auburn 31-29, to make tie with Bama for lead in West division.
  • District 5: Notre Dame (5-1) is return to #5 Top Power rank after 48-15 defeat of Kansas State (5-1), who is dropping far from #5 to #17; Hawkeyes of Iowa (5-1, #8 rank) is handing first defeat of season to Northwestern (5-1, #14) by score 40-10; Mizzou (5-1, #9) is defeating Golden Gophers of Minnesota 27-17, to create three-way tie for lead in South division!
  • District 6: Oklahoma State (5-1, #4 rank) is introducing Texas A&M (5-1, #18) to concept of loss in 39-23 win; Sooners of Oklahoma (5-1, #10 rank) is trapping Baylor (4-2, #25) in bear trap in 47-31 victory; Who is having sharpest horn? Horned Frogs of TCU (5-1, #16 rank) is defeating Texas Longhorns 40-22 to claim honor.
  • District 7: Boise State (5-1, #7 rank) is leader of North division after 45-28 victory vs. UTSA; Utah Utes (4-2, #24 rank) is defeating Arizona Wildcats 33-28, is now massive jam of logs in South division with four teams having mediocre 3-3 record.
  • District 8 is rare boasting three top teams (and none with name Duck or Trojan)! Unbeaten Washington Huskies (6-0) is rising to #2 Top Power rank following 31-28 victory vs. USC; Golden Bears of Cal (6-0, #3 rank) is yet unbeaten after 24-21 victory vs. San Diego State Aztecs; And da, da – of course is also Stanford.

CZAR OF TIER 2 IS NERD, ALSO

Here is games with teams in Top 5:

  1. Defending #1 Top Power rank on Tier 2 level in battle of ancient Ivy League rivals, Harvard Crimson (6-0) is remain unbeaten with 40-15 victory over hated Princeton Tigers. Next is
  2. James  Madison Dukes (6-0, #2 rank), who is beating Charlotte 36-17.
  3. Georgia Southern Eagles (6-0) is enjoying delicious 40-21 victory over Terriers of Wofford.
  4. Sneaky McNeese State Cowboys (6-0, #4) is defeating rival from Louisiana SSR, Grambling, by score 31-24.
  5. Bearkats of Sam Houston State (6-0, #5) is winning against Jackson State, 31-26. SHSU is always very sneaky team.

GOOD JOB FOR INTERN

Stanford logo with large pine tree is reminding – is very large tree growing near Emergency Secondary Headquarters, perhaps 100 meters tall. Is much taller than surrounding trees. I am worrying of branch falling in massive ice storm, and possible damage to electric wires. I am sending Intern Kyle to chop down this tree, using only axe and rope. Former intern (now member of staff) Bobby is to assist Kyle, perhaps to hold rope.

This large tree is very beautiful. Will supply much firewood for coming difficult Siberian winter.

Week One: You Are Hearing Large Boom?

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2015 Commie Football season is beginning

CUPCAKES FOR LAZY AMERICANS

Is peculiar tradition of NCAA college football, where strong team is playing weak, cupcake opponent in first game (or three) of season. Cupcake team is receiving many dollars to endure brutal beating in front of hostile crowd, who is drooling like rabid wolf and becoming frenzy as scoreboard is climbing to ludicrous score! Fans is then driving home to American suburb house very happy, stuffing face with Big Mac hamburger, thinking favorite team is certain to enjoy undefeated championship season!

So, you know how it’s like, the time of changing seasons? College football season starting… the short Russian summer turning into brutally cold Russian fall? The new intern from Yale coming in and messing up my flow? Anyway – speaking of seasons – we finally made it through all 10 seasons of “Friends” and I thought it was even better the third time around! You just catch so many more details, you know? And Georgy absolutely got waaay into it. After it was done, he was like “Let us watch continuing story of Josef Tribbiani” and I was like YESSSSS and so we did. All 46 episodes. Didn’t sleep for days.  I’m just gonna say it – that show totally did NOT get the respect it deserves!It took longer than expected to rebuild the satellite feed equipment, but that wasn’t my fault. I had found a sweet set of tools in one of the supply chambers and was all ready to work. Then Georgy says he wants me to hold off until we finish the final two seasons of “Friends.” He goes something like, “We must find how beautiful love story of Ross and Rashel is ending.” Spoiler alert. They live happily ever after. So when it’s finally over, it takes like, 10 minutes for me to fix the feeds and monitors. What’s the first thing Georgy wants to do, now that we have restored satellite communications? I hear Bobby over there whining and whispering in Georgy’s ear, and G suddenly goes “We must find out ultimate fate to story of Josef Tribbiani.” I don’t know, bro – I’m really starting to wonder about this internship.

In Commie Football, is very different. Innovative schedule formula is making top Tier 1 teams from previous 2014 season play other strong teams in Week One. Cupcake game against true weakling opponent is impossible! Every subsequent week is important, difficult battle. Only true strongest team is winning Division, then District, then three more playoff games against top opponents, to win championship.

Only cupcake is at ceremonial meal following championship game. Is customary reward for head coach of winning team to eat (if there is available sugar).

Ohio State Buckeyes is 2014 champion. No team in history is ever making repeat champion of Commie Football! Who will be 2015 season champion? You are feeling excitement?

Here is highlight scores of top games on Week One Schedule, pitting best teams from previous 2014 season:

  • Florida State 30 vs. USC 28
  • Ole Miss 54 vs. Oregon 22
  • Penn State 13 vs. TCU 29
  • East Carolina 15 vs. Ohio State 38
  • Georgia 34 vs. Michigan State 22
  • Arizona State 16 vs. Notre Dame 38
  • Mississippi State 14 vs. Stanford 23
  • Baylor 30 vs. West Virginia 32
  • Clemson 33 vs. Louisville 21
  • Arkansas 22 vs. Temple 27

Some results is surprise to you? You must remember – complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm is penalizing teams who is scheduling cupcake game! When Michigan State is having much struggle against weak Western Michigan (who is good Tier 2 team in Commie Football), algorithm is utilizing information as mathematical factor. When high-power Baylor Bears is allowing many points to tiny, who-is-this, Tier 2-level Lamar Cardinals, Soviet algorithm is punishing Bears.

You are finding complete Week One scoreboard at this link. Da, okay… so in truth, is not quite complete scoreboard.

WHY IS NOT QUITE COMPLETE SCOREBOARD?

Soviet supercomputer algorithm is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation. Is few teams on Tier 2 level – all from lazy Ivy League (home of Intern Kyle and former intern, now “member of staff” Bobby, who is especially lazy) – who is not playing football games yet in 2015 NCAA season. Is impossible for Soviet supercomputer then to crunch these data. Once every team is playing game, then supercomputer is having proper data and all Commie Football game scores is being calculated. You must be patient, like famous Soviet sharpshooter Vasily Zaytsev.

WHERE IS NEW TOP POWER RANKING?

Only idiot is making ranking of strongest teams following first game of new season! As example, is Huskies of Washington who is #1 Top Power rank after Week One results. Data is yet imperfect. Soviet supercomputer will begin making true Top Power calculation, to begin after Week Three of PUACF season.

Tier 2 Playoffs: Black Tears of Joy

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CSU superfan having name of "Ram Boy" is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy for CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Colorado State superfan “Ram Boy” is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy after CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Like famous Battle of Stalingrad, every Commie Football season is war of attrition. Superior schedule matrix is meaning no team is ever playing mere scrimmage against inferior, cupcake opponent from lower level. Also, no team is ever having lazy “bye week” – a typical American concept. Every game is one small battle in vicious, season-long battle. Is almost impossible to win all! Only very strongest teams is winning enough to advance to playoffs, and there must fight to death, four more brutal opponents on path to championship glory!

Last season, Colorado State is almost advancing to Tier 2 championship, in spite of being low #8 seed. But dream of championship glory is ending in semifinal round, when CSU is losing by only one point to eventual Tier 2 champion North Texas Mean Green. Many CSU fans is upset, thinking it was destiny for team to win title. Then, in offseason, is added indignity of Rams being passed by for promotion to Tier 1 level.

Is making CSU very angry. Thin oxygen level at high Rocky Mountains altitude is turning anger into rage! Success of Rams in 2014 season is forcing all of Tier 2 to fear this team, in resplendent orange and green uniform! All except for Eastern Illinois Panthers, who is upsetting CSU in Week 8. But UMass is no EIU!

r3-t2-1v7 Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Final Score: Colorado State 40, UMass 26
Notes: Like powerful British army at famous Battle of Bunker Hill, CSU is defeating and scattering Minutemen of UMass, who is maybe feeling tired after long playoff travels to Georgia SSR last week, and now Colorado SSR. With superior balance of #5-rank offense and #6-rank defense, Colorado State is winning almost all games this season by safe margin, but nyet, not in flashy, Hollywood manner. Is more modest, like Condoleezza Rice. But then here come red-like-fire Hilltoppers of WKU – new, hot team on scene, bringing rocket-propelled offense to battle in championship game!

r3-t2-3v4Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: San Marcos, TX
Final Score: Western Kentucky 48, Texas State 32
Notes: Hilltoppers of WKU is now latest sensation of college football fans, looking like unstoppable juggernaut with powerful offense growing stronger throughout season! Here is amazing fact – 48 points is lowest number of points WKU is scoring in game since narrow Week 10 victory over Akron. In fact, Hilltoppers is scoring less than 40 points in only four games all season! But here is problem – WKU defense is also giving up many points, losing two close games early in season to Miami Redhawks (Week Two) and Western Michigan (Week Five) and ranking only #57 on defense in all of Tier 2. Can CSU exploit this weakness in championship game?

Intern Bobby is saying...So, this past week we had a problem with the steam-powered server. Basically, all of the steam was like, freezing and messing up the circuits or something. Georgy wakes me up one morning, and is all like “You crawl inside server to fix!” and I’m like, “Yeah, later… can you unlock the food storage chamber so I can make a bowl of that yummy kasha stuff for breakfast”? But of course he WOULDN’T let me eat until I did the stupid gruntwork job. AGAIN.

WHO IS WINNING FINAL BATTLE OF 2014 SEASON? RAM WITH STRONG HORNS, OR SOFT RED BLOB?

On one hand, mountain-living rams is having powerful, hard horns, used for slamming into head of enemy again and again, until brains of enemy is turning to soft kashitsa.

On other hand, big red blob of WKU is already made of soft mush on inside. Maybe hard horn slamming is not making injury, and blob is instead enveloping horns of ram, ingesting slowly, like long, strong zmeya swallowing timid deer, snapping bones and asphyxiating over course of three hours (four if counting television commercials).