Week 10: Who Shall Seize Ticket for Ride on Playoff Train?

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Teams traveling to playoff game is having many option for transport. Train is sometimes too expensive or idle due to war. This is when team is transport to game with oxen and wagon group.

Is customary for Commie Football playoff teams to travel at no cost to self. But for when train is idle due to coal shortage, team is transporting to game using many wagons and oxen.

 TIER 1 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 2:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 3:North Champ vs.
MEMP
District 4:East Champ
vs. West Champ
District 5:North Champ vs.
IOWA
District 6:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 7:North Champ vs.
USAF
District 8:North Champ
vs. South Champ

IS ONLY SMALL NUMBER OF TICKETS AVAILABLE FOR RIDE ON PLAYOFF TRAIN

Week Ten of Commie Football season is witnessing first few teams who is earning ticket to District Championship game (aka first round of playoffs). Pozdravleniya to Memphis Tigers (District 3 South), Iowa Hawkeyes (District 5 South), and Falcons of Air Force (District 7 South), who is all earning this honor on Tier 1 level.

But you are saying “wait” with one hand in air. You are making look of confusion! Two of three teams is not very high rank in new Top Power Rankings!

Remember – first round of 16-team playoff is also championship game of each District. When team is winning its 6-team Division, is then advancing to District championship, then seeded playoff against seven other District champions. What is this, you are thinking is better to have group of American business tycoon and krasivaya Condoleezza Rice make decision of who is best teams in country, rather than good system?!

NYET, comrade. Commie Football is best system for all of college football, with fan from every corner of large country having close team in best competition for true national championship! Because of fair schedule system for all teams, winner in each District is truly deserving of respect across entire nation! Da, sometimes one District is weaker than next, but is crime to speak of this as problem.

Here is review of important games of Week 10:

  • In District 1 North, UConn (7-3, #24 rank) is leading playoff race after 21-13 win vs. Terps of Maryland; Playoff dream of Boston College Eagles (6-4) is diminish after 28-14 loss to WVU Mountaineers (6-4); Virginia Cavaliers (5-5) is also spoil hope of Temple Owls (6-4) with 38-30 victory; Is Penn State (7-3, #19) in control of South following easy 47-16 victory vs. Army Black Knights.
  • District 2: Clemson Tigers (7-3, #18 rank) is fight way to front of South division race after 34-20 win vs. North division leader Duke (7-3); Appalachian State (6-4) is losing again, 50-22 to Tarheels of North Carolina (6-4), who is trying to catch Blue Devils. Georgia Bulldogs (6-4) is yet also in race after 27-15 victory vs. NC State.
  • District 3: Defending champion Ohio State Buckeyes (8-2, #7 rank) is hope for repeat, now in control of North division after 35-16 victory vs. Red Wolves of Arkansas State; Despite better Top Power rank, Wolverines of Michigan (8-2, #4) is behind OSU in standings due to Week 7 loss, but is yet in playoff hunt after 35-29 win vs. Kentucky Wildcats; In only second season on Tier 1 level, Memphis Tigers (7-3, #20 rank) is securing South division title and playoff berth with 41-38 defeat of Indiana Hoosiers.
  • District 4: Amazing South Florida Bulls (8-2, #9 rank) is winning shock 35-27 victory vs. Ole Miss (7-3, #13) to take step closer to East division title; Florida State (7-3, #10) is on Bull heels after 49-14 defeat of Ragin’ Cajuns; Alabama Crimson Tide (7-3, #12 rank) is catching Ole Miss in West division playoff chase after easy 39-9 victory vs. UCF; Gators of Florida (6-4) 28-14 win over LSU (6-4) is perhaps killing playoff dream of Tigers.
  • District 5: Notre Dame (8-2, #5 rank) is at top of North after 26-12 defeat of Kansas Jayhawks; Wisconsin Badgers (7-3, #11) is waiting in wing after 21-16 win vs. Mizzou; In South, is Iowa Hawkeyes (9-1, #3 rank) clinching second straight District 5 championship appearance with 31-24 victory vs. Purdue.
  • District 6: Strange situation in North is continuing with Oklahoma Sooners (9-1) defeating South division leader Houston Cougars (7-3, #16) 39-34 to maintain #1 Top Power rank, yet behind “Bedlam” rival Oklahoma State Cowboys (9-1, #2) in division standings and playoff race, after OSU is easy defeating Texas State 59-20.
  • District 7: Utah Utes (7-3, #25 rank) is seizing control of North in 46-23 victory vs. UTEP; Arizona Wildcats (5-5) is destroying Boise State (6-4) 50-21 in upset to damage Bronco playoff dream; Air Force Falcons (7-3, #23 rank) is beating Utah State Aggies 35-28 to claim South division title and place in District Championship game!
  • District 8: Golden Bears of Cal (7-3, #22 rank) is upset beating rival Stanford (8-2, #8) 46-30 to claim mythic Stanford Axe and remain in North division playoff picture; UCLA Bruins (7-3, #14 rank) 27-24 victory vs. Washington Huskies (7-3) is making playoff race tighter in both divisions; USC Trojans (8-2, #6 rank) is holding lead in South following 41-24 victory vs. Oregon State Beavers.
TIER 2 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 2:JMU vs. South Champ
District 3:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 4:WKU vs. South Champ
District 5:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 6:North Champ
vs. South Champ
District 7:East Champ vs.
NEES
District 8:WYO vs. South Champ

HERE IN CABOOSE OF PLAYOFF TRAIN, IS PASSENGERS FROM TIER 2 LEVEL

Do not forget about exciting playoff race, also on Tier 2 level! Is three more teams to join Wyoming Cowboys (District 8 North), who is first to clinch ticket last week. James Madison Dukes (District 2 North), Western Kentucky Hilltoppers (District 4 North), and Cowboys of McNeese State (District 7 West, but not blood relative of Wyoming Cowboys) is now also with seats on playoff train.

WHERE IS WEEKLY SUPPLY OF COAL?

Speaking of train, is reminder of coal for running steam engine. Is much past time for Bobby and Intern Kyle to bring new load of coal from small subterrain mining operation, beneath Emergency Secondary Headquarters. I am telling many times that this duty is to perform once each week, to ensure adequate coal supplies. But these American college interns – is very forgetful if you are not telling instruction in some way with video monitor.

2015: Is Promotion & Relegation Odyssey

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Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking when is locked outside hatch door during freezing night, when emergency secondary headquarters security computer system is being taken over by Condoleezza Rice.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking in failure attempt to email to me, when Bobby is locked outside hatch door during freezing night, due to emergency secondary headquarters security computer system becoming temporary infected with spirit of Condoleezza Rice.

Last month, Commie Football is announcing details of promotion and relegation between Tier 1 and Tier 2 for upcoming 2015 season. Is exciting day for fans of Colorado State Rams, Texas State Bobcats, Appalachian State, and UTEP – four teams who are moving up to Tier 1 after successful 2014 season on Tier 2. But is also very bad day for fans of Bowling Green, Northern Illinois, Kent State, and Ball State, who will move down one level after ugly 2014 season.


RISE TO TIER 2
:



DROP TO TIER 3
:



DEAD, LIKE TROTSKY
:

In Commie Football, promotion and relegation is process to ensure every team is playing on appropriate level, to maximize fair competition. Two critical measures – on-field performance as measured by Top Power rank, and off-field program strength as measured by attendance data – determine fate and ultimate playing level of each team every season.

But in order for Soviet supercomputer to make proper score calculation every week, is necessary to also promote and/or relegate teams on very low Tier 3 and Tier 4 levels. Today is day of great joy for some! Also, is day of many tears for others.

Because of successful 2014 season on Tier 3 level, here is list of five teams receiving promotion from Tier 3 to Tier 2 for 2015 season:

  • Alcorn State Braves (Lorman, Mississippi SSR)
  • Grambling State Tigers (Grambling, Louisiana SSR)
  • Mercer Bears (Macon, Georgia SSR)
  • Morgan State Bears (Baltimore, Maryland SSR)
  • Western Carolina Catamounts (Cullowhee, South Carolina SSR)

Here is list of four teams receiving relegation notice, dropping from Tier 2 to Tier 3:

  • Elon Phoenix (1-11) – After consecutive 1-11 seasons, is time for Elon to move down to level where competition is more, how you are saying? More easy?
  • Southern Utah Thunderbirds (4-8) – Like Siberia, many areas of Utah SSR is not having many people living. Perhaps this is why SUU is attracting barely 3,000 fans per game. 6-6 record is saving Thunderbirds from relegation after 2013 season, but team is not good enough in 2014.
  • Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks (3-9) – 2013 was first season for UTM on Tier 2 level, when team was finishing surprise 9-3 and almost making playoffs. But low attendance during bad 2014 season is dooming team for return to Tier 3.
  • UC Davis Aggies (1-11) – UCD is bad team for three seasons consecutive on Tier 2 level, so now is time to try for better outcome on Tier 3.

Oh, and also do not forget about UAB Blazers (5-7), who is meeting same fate as Leon Trotsky and will be playing no more college football on any level in 2015!

Intern Bobby is saying...Yeah, so the other day, Georgy sends me outside to get more firewood for one of the furnaces, so I’m out there, like, all paranoid about another wild raccoon attack. So of course, when I come back with my arms full of like, sticks and stuff, the hatch door is totally locked. I start banging on it and yelling for Georgy to open the door, and there’s like, no answer. Then this weird voice comes over the intercom: “I’m sorry, Bobby. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” and I’m all like, WHAAA? and I go “What’s your problem, Georgy? Stop messing around!” because I figured he was still mad from when I went all catatonic last month, and then the voice comes on again, and it goes, “I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.” and then I’m like – wait a minute, because the voice is speaking perfect English and it sounds like a woman, and I’m like – OMG is that freakin’ Condoleezza Rice talking?

Long story short – I had to spend the night outside, freezing my tush off under this torn-up camouflage tarp I found, and Georgy *finally* comes looking for me at sunrise, and claims he knows nothing about the hatch door thing. Annoying!

Anyway, my internship ends in a few weeks (I think?). I guess I’m having like, sorta mixed feelings about it? On the one hand, I’ve learned a lot. Granted, I’m not really sure I’ll get Harvard credit for things like tracking and killing wild turkey with a machete, or gutting and prepping a raccoon carcass. Or, chipping huge blocks of ice from an active computer server without electrocuting myself.

On the other hand, Boston probably did get a lot less snow this winter than whatever part of Russia I’m in right now, amirite?

Further down – in nether regions of American college football – here is list of teams receiving promotion up to Tier 3 from Tier 4:

  • Alderson-Broaddus Battlers
  • Bentley Falcons
  • East Tennessee State Buccaneers
  • Kennesaw State Owls
  • Limestone Saints
  • McKendree Bearcats
  • Mississippi College Choctaws
  • New Mexico Highlands Cowboys
  • Northwood Timberwolves
  • Notre Dame (OH) Falcons
  • Paine Lions
  • West Liberty Hilltoppers
  • West Virginia Wesleyan Bobcats
  • Western Oregon Wolves

And here is list of teams receiving relegation notice, moving down from Tier 3 to Tier 4:

  • Adams State Grizzlies
  • Brevard Tornados
  • Chowan Hawks
  • Clarion Golden Eagles
  • Lane Dragons
  • McMurry War Hawks
  • Merrimack Warriors
  • Minnesota State–Moorhead Dragons
  • Minot State Beavers
  • Northeastern State Riverhawks
  • South Dakota Mines Hardrockers
  • Southern Connecticut State Fighting Owls
  • Urbana Blue Knights

FUTURE ACTIVITIES OF OFFSEASON

Next during offseason is geographic realignment of districts and divisions, based on team movement between Tiers during promotion/relegation phase. When this is complete, updated team map is being revealed. Then, is new schedule for 2015 season.

Oh, and is also almost time to purchase print advertisement for new college intern, in American newspaper. Perhaps I am making Bobby write this.

Promotion & Relegation: Is “Redrum” for Some Teams

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Here is photo Bobby is taking showing vision of Condoleezza in hallway here at emergency secondary headquarters.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking, showing vision of Condoleezza in rare-used corridor of emergency secondary headquarters. Bobby is having long conversation, but is not telling me what Condi is saying, which is making me very angry. VERY VERY ANGRY.

When Commie Football season is ending following Tier 1 and Tier 2 championship games, is natural for to become quiet here at emergency secondary headquarters. In past years, is taking perhaps two or three weeks to make repairs to exterior structure, due to harsh winter climate. Then is many days of hunting wild game in deep forest in order to replenish food storage. Then is perhaps one week more in hyperbaric sleep chamber, for body to repair from injuries of football season. Then, is time for running Soviet supercomputer algorithm to determine promotion and relegation for next season.

What is this meaning? At end of every Commie Football season, some teams is earning promotion from Tier 2 to Tier 1 for next season. Also opposite, some teams is moving down from Tier 1 to Tier 2 in process called relegation. Is very common system to European professional sport league, but is never popular in American sport leagues. Until Commie Football is bringing!

But this is unusual offseason. First, is endless snowstorm and extreme cold temperature, strange even for remote Russia. This is freezing and destroying communications equipment, preventing contact with outside world. Second, is eerie quiet in headquarters, with only sound of low hum in server chamber (and perhaps faint sound of dissonant violins).

Intern Bobby is saying...All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy.

Third, is strange behavior of Intern Bobby. After overflowing hot tub like wild animal at end-of-season celebration, Bobby is then forgetting to make critical final season standings and Top Power rankings updates to website. Later, I am discovering missing emergency food supplies, half eaten in Bobby’s chamber wastebasket. Is he finding secret way to pick lock on food storage chamber? Is impossible! Lock is always secure. Also, review of security camera footage is showing that Bobby is in his own chamber most hours.

Finally, I am one day hearing Bobby speaking in corridor. When I am looking, Bobby is standing at one end of long passage, speaking to someone at opposite end, saying “forever and ever and ever.” Wave of excitement is overtaking me as I am seeing vision of Condoleezza Rice at other end of hallway.

In this vision, Condi is beautiful and smiling, but not waving hello. Then is sudden disappearing! I am shaking Bobby by shoulders, screaming “What is Condoleezza saying?! What is latest news on mission to undermine corrupt, inferior College Football Playoff system?!” But Bobby is only staring into distance, never telling what she is having said to him! This is more evidence of Bobby being simple-minded, spoiled American rebenok!

But please, let us return to promotion and relegation. Here is moment you are waiting. Is four teams making leap from Tier 2 to Tier 1 for next football season:


RISE TO TIER 1
:

CSU_2014TXSTAPPUTEP

  • Colorado State Rams (15-1, #1) – After glorious victory in Tier 2 championship game, CSU is now returning to Tier 1 level after three seasons on lower level. Here is good question – is CSU now strongest football program in Colorado SSR? Rivalry games against Colorado Buffs and Air Force Falcons is now again possible.
  • Texas State Bobcats (12-3, #3) – Many college football fans is never hearing of this team. But Texas State is emerging from crazy difficult District 7 West division and advancing to Round 3 of playoffs, before losing to eventual runner-up Western Kentucky.
  • Appalachian State Mountaineers (11-3, #7) – WVU is not only Mountaineers in Tier 1! Appalachian State is rebounding from two losing seasons to become District 2 champion and advance to Round 2 of playoffs, where is losing Texas State. Average attendance is also very strong.
  • UTEP Miners (9-3, #10) – Is perhaps most surprising team to receive promotion, but UTEP is powerful team, only missing playoffs due to great season of Texas State. Average attendance is also higher than many teams already on Tier 1.

Some fans is asking – where is Tier 2 runner-up team WKU? Georgia Southern? Western Michigan, who is remaining unbeaten until losing in first round of playoffs? This is where average attendance is critical measurement. Western Kentucky is having very good season, but as 2013 Tier 2 champion Mean Green of North Texas and runner-up Buffalo Bulls is learning one year ago, not every team advancing to championship is automatic receiving promotion invitation! All Tier 1 teams must have certain level of support from fans.

Now, with four teams receiving promotion, must also four teams receive delegation. Is sad, redrum day for these teams, who will play next season on Tier 2 level:


DROP TO TIER 2
:

  • Bowling Green Falcons (3-9) – BGSU is having bad season, winning only against two other relegation teams and almost-relegated Ohio Bobcats. Is a return of Falcons to Tier 2 after two seasons at top level.
  • Northern Illinois Huskies (3-9) – Here is team experiencing actual success in recent seasons on Tier 1, but is always having terrible attendance. For teams like this, is lesson – relegation is forever only one bad season away!
  • Kent State Golden Flashes (3-9) – Little Kent State is always fighting above weight. Is surviving relegation last season, but is now returning to lower Tier after two bad seasons at top level.
  • Ball State Cardinals (1-11) – Ball State is Tier 2 runner-up in 2012, then is posting winning record on Tier 1 level in 2013. Is surprise to see tiny Ball State playing with big boys, but sharing Indiana SSR fans with Notre Dame, Purdue, and Indiana Hoosiers, miniscule Ball State is attracting less than 10,000 fans to home games on average. Oh, and also is horrible season record. So is back to Tier 2 for Cardinals!

Next post is explaining promotion and delegation on lower Tiers, including teams receiving promotion from Tier 3 to Tier 2 for 2015 season, as well as delegation from Tier 2 to Tier 3 (and do not forget about Tier 3 to Tier 4)!

I am just having thought. Perhaps if I smash Intern Bobby’s door with sharp topor, he is then revealing what Condoleezza is saying to him.

Tier 2 Playoffs: Black Tears of Joy

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CSU superfan having name of "Ram Boy" is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy for CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Colorado State superfan “Ram Boy” is once again crying miracle black tears, only this season is tears of joy after CSU victory in Tier 2 semifinal playoff game.

Like famous Battle of Stalingrad, every Commie Football season is war of attrition. Superior schedule matrix is meaning no team is ever playing mere scrimmage against inferior, cupcake opponent from lower level. Also, no team is ever having lazy “bye week” – a typical American concept. Every game is one small battle in vicious, season-long battle. Is almost impossible to win all! Only very strongest teams is winning enough to advance to playoffs, and there must fight to death, four more brutal opponents on path to championship glory!

Last season, Colorado State is almost advancing to Tier 2 championship, in spite of being low #8 seed. But dream of championship glory is ending in semifinal round, when CSU is losing by only one point to eventual Tier 2 champion North Texas Mean Green. Many CSU fans is upset, thinking it was destiny for team to win title. Then, in offseason, is added indignity of Rams being passed by for promotion to Tier 1 level.

Is making CSU very angry. Thin oxygen level at high Rocky Mountains altitude is turning anger into rage! Success of Rams in 2014 season is forcing all of Tier 2 to fear this team, in resplendent orange and green uniform! All except for Eastern Illinois Panthers, who is upsetting CSU in Week 8. But UMass is no EIU!

r3-t2-1v7 Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Fort Collins, CO
Final Score: Colorado State 40, UMass 26
Notes: Like powerful British army at famous Battle of Bunker Hill, CSU is defeating and scattering Minutemen of UMass, who is maybe feeling tired after long playoff travels to Georgia SSR last week, and now Colorado SSR. With superior balance of #5-rank offense and #6-rank defense, Colorado State is winning almost all games this season by safe margin, but nyet, not in flashy, Hollywood manner. Is more modest, like Condoleezza Rice. But then here come red-like-fire Hilltoppers of WKU – new, hot team on scene, bringing rocket-propelled offense to battle in championship game!

r3-t2-3v4Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: San Marcos, TX
Final Score: Western Kentucky 48, Texas State 32
Notes: Hilltoppers of WKU is now latest sensation of college football fans, looking like unstoppable juggernaut with powerful offense growing stronger throughout season! Here is amazing fact – 48 points is lowest number of points WKU is scoring in game since narrow Week 10 victory over Akron. In fact, Hilltoppers is scoring less than 40 points in only four games all season! But here is problem – WKU defense is also giving up many points, losing two close games early in season to Miami Redhawks (Week Two) and Western Michigan (Week Five) and ranking only #57 on defense in all of Tier 2. Can CSU exploit this weakness in championship game?

Intern Bobby is saying...So, this past week we had a problem with the steam-powered server. Basically, all of the steam was like, freezing and messing up the circuits or something. Georgy wakes me up one morning, and is all like “You crawl inside server to fix!” and I’m like, “Yeah, later… can you unlock the food storage chamber so I can make a bowl of that yummy kasha stuff for breakfast”? But of course he WOULDN’T let me eat until I did the stupid gruntwork job. AGAIN.

WHO IS WINNING FINAL BATTLE OF 2014 SEASON? RAM WITH STRONG HORNS, OR SOFT RED BLOB?

On one hand, mountain-living rams is having powerful, hard horns, used for slamming into head of enemy again and again, until brains of enemy is turning to soft kashitsa.

On other hand, big red blob of WKU is already made of soft mush on inside. Maybe hard horn slamming is not making injury, and blob is instead enveloping horns of ram, ingesting slowly, like long, strong zmeya swallowing timid deer, snapping bones and asphyxiating over course of three hours (four if counting television commercials).