Week Four: What is Wolverine?

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Michigan Wolverines football team is enjoying success since overthrow of previous administration by new Premier, Yakov Harbaugh.

Michigan Wolverines football collective is enjoying success since overthrow of previous administration by new Premier Coach, Yakov Harbaugh.

WHAT IS WOLVERINE?

Is small animal, like a barsuk, but terribly ferocious. It is also nickname of University of Michigan SSR sports collective! This team is surprise rising to #1 Top Power rank following 31-5 victory over inferior Air Force Falcons in Week Four of Commie Football season. Wolverines is replacing Bulldogs of Georgia, who is being pushed away from food trough like mere runt puppy, losing 36-19 to California Golden Bears (who by way is also yet unbeaten and rising to #4 Top Power rank).

Da, is much upheaval in Top Power Rankings! All five of top teams – Georgia, West Virginia, Florida State, UCLA, and Ole Miss – is losing in Week Four, creating opportunity for new teams to rise, like delicious Russian black bread. One-third of season is complete, and only nine teams is yet undefeated. Only nine! Is proof that superior Commie Football schedule matrix, with no easy, early-season cupcake games, is best competition to determine true strength of all American college football teams!

In Week Four, every team in country is playing similar strength opponent from different District. Here is summary of important game results:

Finally, Yale won a game, if you can believe it. Took down Western Michigan 27-21. WMU was a Tier 2 playoff team last year, so that’s pretty huge. Georgy’s all like (in his dumb accent), “But WMU is yet winless. Is rank only #94 of Tier 2. Is terrible team.” All I could think about was how much I want to put my fist through his fotch. A win. Is a win. Is a WIN! Why can’t he just let me enjoy it, you know?
Speaking of “ocean of red tears” (which, if you are, means you’re Georgy talking about how Western Kentucky was “only millimeter close” to winning the Tier 2 championship last year, blah blah), earlier this week Georgy had me go down to one of the subterranean storage chambers to fetch some more bleach, because we had to wash out one of the abattoir zones (long story). The light bulb was like, burned out or something, and so it was just this dim, blue emergency lighting – super dark. I grab this bottle of what I think is bleach, and start back up the steps but I totally slip on the top stair (I’ve told Georgy about it like, 50 times, but of course he hasn’t dealt with it) and I kind of fall but try to catch myself with the big bottle. It like, slams down on the floor in front of me and the top flies off, and this noxious cloud like, explodes all in my eyes and face. And it started stinging. Like, *really* bad. But the good news is I got out of work for like, almost a week until my chemical burns healed and my eyesight started coming back. Score!

  • District 1: Plucky Temple Owls (3-1, #13 rank) is defeating Fighting Irish (3-1, #18) 22-14 in tremendous upset victory; this is creating three-way tie at top of North division after Rutgers (3-1, #24) is losing 19-17 to Nebraska Cornhuskers and UConn (3-1) is losing 22-13 to Fighting Illini; Penn State (3-1, #23) is catching WVU at top of South division after defeating old enemy from midwest, Wisconsin Badgers, by score 15-10.
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (3-1) is now tied with Virginia Tech at top of East division following  28-7 victory vs. Nevada Wolf Pack; in West division, loss of Georgia Bulldogs (3-1, #11) is allowing Gamecocks of South Carolina and surprise Appalachian State, who is new Tier 1 team defeating Rainbow Warriors of Hawaii 36-13, to tie at top of standings.
  • District 3: Wolverines (4-0, #1 rank) is already enjoying two-game lead on key rivals Michigan State and Ohio State (both 2-2 and losing this week); in South division, Memphis Tigers (3-1) is alone at top after 40-17 upset victory vs. Arizona Wildcats.
  • District 4: Surprise South Florida Bulls (3-1) is tying FSU in lead of East division following 28-24 USF victory vs. winless Tulsa; after terrible, confusing 2014 season, Alabama Crimson Tide (3-1) is returning to winning ways, crushing winless Texas State 59-14 to tie Ole Miss and LSU at top of West division standings.
  • District 5: Unbeaten Northwestern Wildcats is climbing to #2 Top Power rank after decisive 36-12 victory over #2 team from last week, WVU; in South division, is war looming due to simultaneous undefeated 4-0 records of Mizzou (#3 rank), Kansas State Wildcats (#5), and Iowa Hawkeyes (#8).
  • District 6: Is collision of four teams at top of North division! Oklahoma State (3-1, #10 rank) is throwing lasso around LSU in 40-18 surprise victory; Razorbacks of Arkansas (3-1) is ruining Hotty Toddy drinking of Ole Miss (3-1, #14) in 31-15 win; Sooners of Oklahoma (3-1, #21) is reliving past glories in 39-23 victory over Miami Hurricanes; TCU Horned Frogs (3-1, #17) is hopping all over Florida State (3-1, #12), winning 33-15; meanwhile, in South division, unbeaten Texas A&M (4-0, #9) is proving superiority over Mississippi State in 30-17 victory.
  • District 7: Boise State (3-1, #16 rank) is beating Louisville 34-10 to take command of North division; defending champion Buckeyes (2-2) is looking only mediocre in 33-28 loss to Arizona State Sun Devils (2-2), who is tied with four other teams to lead weak South division.
  • District 8: Washington Huskies (4-0, #7 rank) is yet unbeaten, defeating NC State 23-15 to keep pace with Cal Golden Bears (4-0, #4) at top of North division; unbeaten Stanford (4-0, #6 rank) is victorious vs. tough Clemson, winning 39-20 and taking lead in South after 35-30 UCLA loss to Georgia Tech; what the quack is happened to Oregon? One-time mighty Ducks (0-4) is losing 37-32 to East Carolina.

TIER 2: BIG RED IS RETURN ANGRY

WKUFor Western Kentucky Hilltoppers, 2014 season is ending in ocean of red tears, when WKU is losing Tier 2 championship game by only three points to Colorado State Rams. Is millimeter close! Then in offseason, is combining insult and injuries when Hilltoppers is being denied promotion to Tier 1 level, instead watching CSU and three other teams with inferior record receive this great honor.

How can Big Red avenge this insult? Is only one way – for WKU to destroy all opponents on 2015 schedule and capture Tier 2 championship! So far, plan is working – in Week Four, WKU (4-0) is unleashing destruction on Huskies of Northern Illinois, winning by outrageous score of 64-12 to claim #1 Top Power ranking on Tier 2 level. Remember, NIU is Tier 1 level team only last season (now on Tier 2 due to relegation).

Perhaps at end of undefeated season, Tier 1 is finally taking notice of Western Kentucky and sending proper invitation for promotion.

Is similar situation to when popular people is not inviting you to fun party. Instead of cry alone in cold basement bathing area, is best you are demonstrating rage, cutting wide path of destruction with fists and bayonet, to prove strength and make entire world fearful. Next party, you receive invitation.

Week One: Is Many Big Bangs

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wk1-many-big-bangsIn old times of NCAA, all American college football teams is playing cupcake opponent in first week (or more) of season. Many teams at top FBS level is then bragging about undefeated record and fans is thinking this team is for destiny to be BCS champion! As season is progressing, undefeated teams is having argument about who is best ranking, because teams is never playing game against each other until executives for bowl game named after corporation is thinking they are making many rubles for certain teams to meet in this game on television.

In Commie Football, innovative schedule formula is set in iron, is making top Tier 1 teams from previous season play other strong teams, one following another. Such thing as easy cupcake game is not existing! Every week is tough game against Tier 1 opponent, and only true strongest team is winning Division, plus four playoff games against top opponents, to win championship. Only cupcake is at championship meal after season. Is customary reward for head coach of winning team to eat (if there is available sugar).

intern-bobby-is-saying

OMG. So I’m *psyched* that the season has finally started! Especially because Georgy had me doing all of this weird stuff – gathering wood, digging potatoes, polishing his bayonet collection, etc. and I was all like “What does this have to do with football?” and he’s like “You are seeing this American movie – Karate Kid? Comrade Miyagi?” And I’m like, “Old man – that movie was made before I was even BORN!” I mean, who am I? Like, Nostradamus?! Anyway, I was always pretty good at math, so I’m helping Georgy with all of his “secret spreadsheets”. Oh, and I also started whittling. Peace out!

 

 

 

Is very difficult for Commie Football champion to repeat two years consecutive. 2013 champion Seminoles of Florida State is continuing as strong team in Week One of 2014 season, but Utah State Aggies, only two seasons later from glorious 2012 Commie Football championship, is now being destroyed 41-5 by Florida Gators in opening week. Here is other highlights of top teams from last season on Week One Scoreboard:

  • Florida State 35, Oklahoma State 26
  • Oregon 39, Louisville 26
  • Oklahoma 31, Alabama 21
  • Auburn 40, Boise State 19
  • Georgia 40, Connecticut 15
  • Texas A&M 36, Northwestern 18
  • Baylor 41, Missouri 13
  • USC 20, Ohio State 18
  • LSU 23, Wisconsin 16
  • Virginia Tech 24, Boston College 18
  • UCLA 33, Michigan State 26
  • Stanford 23, Michigan 9

You are finding complete Week One scoreboard at this link. Well… is almost complete scoreboard.

WHY IS NOT COMPLETE SCORES?

Commie Football scoreboard is based on complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm, but supercomputer is requiring proper data (and many pieces of firewood) for program to make proper calculation. When temperature outside is too dangerous cold for gathering of firewood, Intern Bobby is chopping up wooden furniture to feed to supercomputer. But when few teams, for example Cincinnati Bearcats (Tier 1, District 3) and all Ivy League teams on Tier 2, is not playing any football games yet, is impossible for computer to crunch these numbers. When all teams are playing games, then supercomputer is having proper data and all old game scores is then being calculated.

WHERE IS TOP POWER RANKING?

Soviet supercomputer is also needing complete data for making Top Power calculation. Is only idiot who is making rankings of best teams, following first game of new season.

Tier 2 Semifinals: Nervous CSU Fans is Eating Tip of Horn

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Here is photograph of television set, showing miracle fan of Colorado State Rams, who is crying black tears when Rams is losing semifinal playoff game to Mean Green of North Texas.

Here is photograph of good television set, showing miracle fan of Colorado State Rams, who is crying dark green tears when beloved Rams is losing Tier 2 semifinal playoff game to Mean Green of North Texas.

When Commie Football season is reaching semifinal round of playoffs, each surviving team is having played 14 games. Is made hard like steel already from two fierce playoff battles and is not feeling scared of another fight.

This is making even low-seed teams, who are not looking like danger, such as Rams of Colorado State, most dangerous opponent of all opponents. Why? Because is sneaking up on you in alleyway, but you are not seeing because you are looking at bigger opponent far away, and then you are feeling thrust of knife bayonet for use with the 7.62 mm. Kalashnikov AK-47 assault rifle. Right through heart.

But in twist to this story, Mean Green of North Texas is able to defend against alleyway bayonet attack of CSU. Is instead, hearts of Colorado State Ram fans who are feeling heart stabbed with bayonet! This is also happening to fans of Memphis Tigers, in next alleyway.

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Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Denton, TX
Final Score: North Texas 32, Colorado State 31
Notes: For Rams, is sad finish to very good season that is starting very bad with 1-3 record. To make difficult journey to being only one, exciting point away from Tier 2 championship game is making fans proud, like runt pig of litter who is one day in future winning 4th place at regional soviet agricultural festival. This is very much more than fans of Colorado Buffaloes (3-9) or Falcons of Air Force (1-11) is saying at end of season! Is possible CSU and UNT is maybe being promoted to Tier 1 next football season?

Even small, one-point victory is victory, and Mean Green is now to advance to play maybe strongest team of Tier 2, Buffalo Bulls, for glorious honor of Tier 2 Championship!

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Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Memphis, TN
Final Score: Buffalo 31, Memphis 29
Notes: In other exciting semifinal game, is Bulls of Buffalo making only two-point victory over Memphis Tigers, in famous Liberty Bowl stadium. Here are two teams famous this season for mighty defense, but in end is Buffalo having little bit better offense that is making difference. Both teams is also deserving of maybe promotion to Tier 1 next season, fans are thinking.

Buffalo is only #5 playoff seed, but is playing very good offense and defense, and is now maybe favorite to win championship game against Mean Green of North Texas?

On to Championship

Tier 2 Championship game is traditional to be played in Kansas City, where is near middle of country, for fans who are having far to walk. What team will be new national champion of Tier 2? North Texas Mean Green or Buffalo Bulls?!

You are coming back to website next week to find out.