CUPCAKES FOR LAZY AMERICANS
Is peculiar tradition of NCAA college football, where strong team is playing weak, cupcake opponent in first game (or three) of season. Cupcake team is receiving many dollars to endure brutal beating in front of hostile crowd, who is drooling like rabid wolf and becoming frenzy as scoreboard is climbing to ludicrous score! Fans is then driving home to American suburb house very happy, stuffing face with Big Mac hamburger, thinking favorite team is certain to enjoy undefeated championship season!
In Commie Football, is very different. Innovative schedule formula is making top Tier 1 teams from previous 2014 season play other strong teams in Week One. Cupcake game against true weakling opponent is impossible! Every subsequent week is important, difficult battle. Only true strongest team is winning Division, then District, then three more playoff games against top opponents, to win championship.
Only cupcake is at ceremonial meal following championship game. Is customary reward for head coach of winning team to eat (if there is available sugar).
Ohio State Buckeyes is 2014 champion. No team in history is ever making repeat champion of Commie Football! Who will be 2015 season champion? You are feeling excitement?
Here is highlight scores of top games on Week One Schedule, pitting best teams from previous 2014 season:
- Florida State 30 vs. USC 28
- Ole Miss 54 vs. Oregon 22
- Penn State 13 vs. TCU 29
- East Carolina 15 vs. Ohio State 38
- Georgia 34 vs. Michigan State 22
- Arizona State 16 vs. Notre Dame 38
- Mississippi State 14 vs. Stanford 23
- Baylor 30 vs. West Virginia 32
- Clemson 33 vs. Louisville 21
- Arkansas 22 vs. Temple 27
Some results is surprise to you? You must remember – complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm is penalizing teams who is scheduling cupcake game! When Michigan State is having much struggle against weak Western Michigan (who is good Tier 2 team in Commie Football), algorithm is utilizing information as mathematical factor. When high-power Baylor Bears is allowing many points to tiny, who-is-this, Tier 2-level Lamar Cardinals, Soviet algorithm is punishing Bears.
You are finding complete Week One scoreboard at this link. Da, okay… so in truth, is not quite complete scoreboard.
WHY IS NOT QUITE COMPLETE SCOREBOARD?
Soviet supercomputer algorithm is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation. Is few teams on Tier 2 level – all from lazy Ivy League (home of Intern Kyle and former intern, now “member of staff” Bobby, who is especially lazy) – who is not playing football games yet in 2015 NCAA season. Is impossible for Soviet supercomputer then to crunch these data. Once every team is playing game, then supercomputer is having proper data and all Commie Football game scores is being calculated. You must be patient, like famous Soviet sharpshooter Vasily Zaytsev.
WHERE IS NEW TOP POWER RANKING?
Only idiot is making ranking of strongest teams following first game of new season! As example, is Huskies of Washington who is #1 Top Power rank after Week One results. Data is yet imperfect. Soviet supercomputer will begin making true Top Power calculation, to begin after Week Three of PUACF season.