Week Seven: Playoff Dream is Dead for Very Few

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Fans of BYU is having little difficulty with new law.

In every capitalist college football system from old times, whether regime is having name NCAA, FBS, BCS, or CFP – for most teams at top level, one loss is meaning season is sunk, like Burevestnik class frigate struck by missile from German U-boat. Because of nonsense conference system, schedule full of cupcake games, and biased polls made by weak-minded American businessmen to determine best teams, is always controversy about what team is deserving to play championship game!

By Week Seven of typical season, only small handful of teams is having true chance. By end of regular season, only four teams (maybe less) is having hope to become champion. For most fans and student-athletes of American college football, is long, razdrazhayet season filled with frustration. What if favorite team is becoming very powerful near end of season? Sorry, is too bad for close loss in Week Two when star player is having broken leg wrapped in forest moss compress at halftime and is running at slow speed late in game!

I know what it is you think – is something like, “Well, the new College Football Playoff Selection Committee fixes everything. It takes a fair and unbiased look at every team, and carefully choose the four strongest to play for the championship.” Da, four-team playoff system is sounding small bit better than “wild western” bowl system of old, but is still having controversy because of “selection committee.” Most Americans do not understand that this is meaning committee members is “selecting” which university football booster collective is giving most bribe money, then selector is selecting this team for playoff!

Intern Bobby is saying...Ugh, fine. Commie Football is a WAY better system than like, regular college football with all 300 bowl games with weird corporate names or whatever. Obvs, I get it, etc. But this whole “no alcohol” thing until your team wins the championship? I don’t see how that’s gonna work. I said to Georgy, “People love to tailgate before football games and drink beer in the parking lot and stuff.” and he goes “Beer? In parking lot? This is greatest example of American alcohol drink?” and I’m like, “Yeah, like keggers and cocktails, and there’s some really good microbrews…” and he’s laughing, so I’m all “what?” and he goes, “Any congregation of two or more adult Americans without police surveillance is against law.”

In world of Commie Football, dream of championship is not over when team is losing only one game. Because of superior organization, scheduling, and 16-team playoff system, even after seven weeks of season, 80 out of 96 Tier 1 teams is today yet having chance of making playoffs. Only very weak teams such as SMU, Colorado, Iowa State, and Vanderbilt (all 0-7), or Virginia Tech Hokies, Cincinnati, and surprise Crimson Tide of Alabama (all 1-6), is already disqualified from playoffs, because team must have seven wins to enter playoffs, not like pathetic 6-6 or 5-7 team receiving invitation to play in new bowl game named after California SSR startup company!

Is clear, Commie Football is much better system. Fans from all around America is maintaining beautiful dream of glorious playoff run until late in season. Then, one by one, every fan of 95 teams from across entire American continent is feeling deep shame when favorite team is not becoming champion. This shame is extending to next football season. Is only one champion every season in Commie Football! Losing team does not receive “trophy for participation” as in weak, sissy, American youth sports collective of old times!

If playoffs were to begin this day, here would be lineup of round one District Championship games:

  • District 1: Temple Owls (7-0, #4 Top Power rank) vs. West Virginia (6-1, #13)
  • District 2: East Carolina (6-1, #12) vs. Georgia Bulldogs (6-1, #6)
  • District 3: Notre Dame (7-0, #2) vs. Ohio State Buckeyes (6-1, #5)
  • District 4: Florida State (7-0, #3) vs. Ole Miss (7-0, #1)
  • District 5: Wisconsin (5-2, #22) vs. Nebraska (5-2, #20)
  • District 6: Arkansas (6-1, #7) vs. Texas A&M (6-1, #10)
  • District 7: Oklahoma Sooners (5-2, unranked) vs. Boise State (5-2, unranked)
  • District 8: California Golden Bears (6-1, #8) vs. USC (6-1, #9)

ATTENTION: If you are fan of team appearing on this list, is not yet time to strain sourmash mixture through cheesecloth strainer, for making homemade alcohol drink. Is yet five more games in season to determine ultimate playoff teams!


If Tier 2 playoffs were also to begin this day, here would be lineup of round one District Championship games:

  • District 1: UMass (6-1, #7 Top Power rank) vs. Villanova (5-2, #18)
  • District 2: William & Mary (6-1, #11) vs. Appalachian State (5-2, #22)
  • District 3: Coastal Carolina (5-2, #19) vs. Georgia Southern (7-0, #2)
  • District 4: Samford (7-0, #5) vs. Tulane (4-3, unranked)
  • District 5: Western Michigan (7-0, #3) vs. Toledo (5-2, #24)
  • District 6: Northern Iowa (6-1, #12) vs. Illinois State (5-2, #16)
  • District 7: Stephen F. Austin (7-0, #4) vs. UTEP (6-1, #9)
  • District 8: Colorado State (7-0, #1) vs. UNLV (5-2, unranked)

You are feeling with much surprise, no? Behold beautiful, poetic playoff lineups, with teams from every corner of country! Some is having high rank, others is not. Some is coming from weak District, while others is forged like iron in difficult District. But every team is needing victory to advance to next round.

Intelligence of leaders and algorithm of Soviet supercomputer is teaching American people true meaning of superior college football system. Pozhaluysta.