Playoffs Round 2: Is One Tiger Dead. Is One Yet Hunting.

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Here is photo of Premier Putin, after shooting tiger on "OU Tiger Hunt" event on campus in Oklahoma SSR. Joining Putin in hunt is Boomer, mascot of Oklahoma Sooners.

Here is image from film, showing dead tiger, is fighting this week with Boomer (mascot of Oklahoma Sooners) at “OU Tiger Hunt!” event on university campus in Oklahoma SSR. Premier Putin is special guest, shooting and killing angry tiger. Is saving Boomer from certain death.

IN COMMIE FOOTBALL PLAYOFFS, DEATH IS CLOSE, ALWAYS 

In Siberia, deadliest animal is not human. Is Siberian tiger.

Every Siberian peasant child is knowing that tiger is hunting never alone, always with partner. If you are seeing tiger in forest, then second tiger is also close. This is last thought in brain, before tiger is attacking, biting, and eating you like American “cheep” of potato!

But like Premier Putin, in response to Siberian-public-safety crisis, Oklahoma Sooners (12-1, #1) is on mission to eliminate Tigers… from Commie Football playoffs! Is first? Tigers of Memphis (you read more below).

Is next? Tigers of Clemson (10-3, #8), who this week is killing and disemboweling Colonel Reb and his Rebels of Ole Miss in upset victory (you read more below, also).

IS NO BAMA? IS NOT PROBLEM.

In Commie Football system, Soviet supercomputer is determine true champion, with perfect, equal organization, and fair regular season schedule for all teams. 16 regional champions is then entering playoff to determine true national champion.

In recent season, such as 2013 (and 2014), Commie Football is declaring same champion as in corrupt, inferior BCS/CFP system. But this season – Crimson Tide of Alabama (9-3, #10 Top Power rank) is not even making to Commie Football playoff, losing District 4 West title to Ole Miss!

Who then, is to becoming TRUE CHAMPION of AMERICAN COLLEGE FOOTBALL FOR 2015 SEASON? Here is results for Round 2 of playoffs to determine. Only four teams is now remain!

r2-t1-cotton

Game: Cotton Bowl
Location: Arlington, Texas SSR
Final Score: Oklahoma 38, Memphis 24
Notes: Memphis (9-5, #15) is now dead tiger, and miracle season is sudden finish, like life of wild Siberian tiger, from bullet in gun of Premier Putin. Sooners is #1 Top Power rank due to most victories. Why is most victories? Is perhaps due to #1 rank offense in all Tier 1. What then, is weakness of Sooners? Is mediocre defense ranking (#45). Next tiger attack will surely attempt to exploit – beware of Clemson Tigers (of District 2)!

r2-t1-orange

Game: Orange Bowl
Location: Miami, Florida SSR
Final Score: Notre Dame 36, West Virginia 30
Notes: Fighting Irish is winning in uncomfortable-close game to Mountaineers (9-4, #14), who is looking humorous all week, wearing hat made of yenot skin, with fuzzy tail of animal hanging from side, on sunny Miami beach. Similar-rank offense and defense for both teams is making for interesting fight. But it is Irish who is go now to play rematch of Week 11 victory over rival USC Trojans (of District 8) for fight to death… or right to national championship invitation!

r2-t1-rose

Game: Rose Bowl
Location: Pasadena, California SSR
Final Score: USC 32, Utah 22
Notes: Da, is Trojans who is easy defeating Utes of Utah (10-3, #9), who is having not-good-enough defense for powerful #6-rank offense of USC, who is playing in District 8 home. Defeat is ending six-game streak of winning for Utah Utes, but schedule this season is much weaker in District 7. USC is now traveling to fight most difficult battle yet – rematch of Week 11 loss to rival Notre Dame (of District 5)!

r2-t1-sugar

Game: Sugar Bowl
Location: New Orleans, LA
Final Score: Clemson 34, Ole Miss 26
Notes: Is not first time Colonel Reb and Ole Miss is being disembowled by tiger! Perhaps Mississippi SSR is inviting Premier Putin to visit, to solve tiger problem?  How is Clemson winning this game so easy? Tigers is having lower rank offense (#37) and defense (#25) than Ole Miss! Perhaps it is Clemson who is playing more with heart of champion in critical game situation. Or perhaps Ole Miss is bringing ineffective weaponry, like old musket rifle and flag of Confederate rebel army, to tiger hunt. Is second visit consecutive to Sugar Bowl for Ole Miss, but game result this year is… tasting not sweet.

ROUND 3: SEMIFINALS (AKA “FINAL FOUR”)

Here is Round 3 playoff schedule:

  • (1) Oklahoma (13-1, #1) vs. (5) Clemson (11-3, #5) – Aloha Bowl
  • (2) Notre Dame (11-3, #2) vs. (3) USC (11-3, #3) – Peach Bowl

In next day or two, you are visiting website to learn result of teams playing in second round of Tier 2 playoffs.

SITUATION UPDATE: INTERROGATION CHAMBER 

Is yet delay with finding passcode for unlocking door of interrogation chamber, where Bobby and Intern Kyle is both locked for many days. Stench entering interrogation room is VERY most foul. I am only today finish with routine-but-critical maintenance on plumbing system attaching to supercomputer system for cooling. Corrosion is building on pipes, is possible to cause blockage, which is ruin supercomputer. Then is only backup cooling mechanism, to prevent TOTAL meltdown of supercomputer! This task is more critical to website function, but now, I am return attention to find passcode. Is on small piece of paper, somewhere in this room, or perhaps other.

If you are administrator from Yale University in Connecticut SSR – do not be having worry! Is nothing to concern. Intern Kyle is living in interrogation chamber, but is wide gap between metal bars, to allow food and fresh water for prisoner.

Commie Football Will Be There For You, Beginning Next Week

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druzya-banner Is first weekend of 2015 American college football season, but where is Commie Football results?

You are forgetting already! Commie Football season is not begin until Week Two of NCAA football regular season. Why is this? Is because Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation of Commie Football scores. Beginning of 2015 PUACF season is next week. You are finding 2015 season schedule here.

SATELLITE FEED IS JOKE, IS BROKE

Here at Secondary Emergency Headquarters, is having recent problem. After previous intern (now member of staff) Bobby is playing with satellite feed like children’s toy, only video showing on security monitors is episodes of idiot American television program “Friends”. Is playing in endless loop, 24 hours every day!

COLLECT ALL CARDS
(click to make big):

ross-nd
rashel-oregon
monika-bama
chandler-osu
phoebe-texas
joey-fsu

To keep brain from disintegrating into bowl of cold, moldy kasha, I am thinking always of college football while watching tragic love story of Ross and Rashel. Is true to admit, I am learning many things about meaningless capitalist American culture from this show. As example, each character is perfect symbol of American college football program:

  • ROSS GELLER is supposed “smart” character, expert in study of dinosaur era, but unable to find glory in present time. Is dating many women throughout story, but is never able to keep commitment, long-term. Whining is becoming louder each season, like spoiled child having tantrum. Is believing to be superior, but running away when danger is confronting. Ross is FIGHTING IRISH of NOTRE DAME. Bonus: Karol is former wife of Ross, now in relationship with Syuzan, just as USC Trojans is having more healthy relationship with Stanford Cardinal!
  • RASHEL GREEN is always wearing clothing and haircut of latest fashion, attracting much attention. But inside is shallow, like receding waters of Aral Sea. Is gazing always at beautiful reflection in mirror, but becoming panic in stressful situation. Rashel is OREGON DUCKS. Bonus: Rashel is leaving former fiance Barry, just as Oregon is leaving former archrival Washington Huskies! Surplus Bonus: Gunther is loser working in Central Perk kafe, who is having obsession with attractive looks of Rashel. This is Baylor Bears!
  • MONIKA GELLAR is craving competition, becoming aggressive with any slight perception of disrespect. Is also vstrevozhennyy, wanting control in every situation, insisting to only do her way, always. In past, Monika was typical fat American, but now, even when beautiful, is needing to prove superiority always, because is still feeling ugly inside. Monika is ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Bonus: Monika is having on-off relationship with Richard, who is older man set in ways, uninterested in change. Just like Ole Miss Rebels!
  • CHANDELIER BING is living easy life with much money, yet is always making loud, mean joke as defense to feel superior and hide secret hatred of self. Is mere cog in anonymous, capitalist finance corporation. Is also wearing woman’s sweater vest always, which is famous garment of recent popular college football coach. Chandelier is OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Bonus: Chandelier is sometimes running into old girlfriend Janice, who is having loud, annoying voice like braying donkey. This is also Michigan Wolverines!
  • In USSR, FEBA BUFFAY would spend rest of life in psikhiatricheskaya bol’nitsa. Is pretending to be child of flowers, but is former street criminal and drug addict, even now making threat to friends. Is playing rudimentary folk guitar and singing unlistenable song about cat in Central Perk kafe. Presence is making no sense. Drug addict, guitar, cats – is much like American city of Austin, in Texas SSR. Feba is TEXAS LONGHORNS. Bonus: Feba is having twin sister Ursula, who is being cruel and cold, like Siberian winter, to former family members, just like Texas A&M!
  • JOSEF TRIBIANI is typical American male, head filled with kholodets, interested only in eating neighbor’s food and spreading STD disease. Is failing actor, unable to pretend to be anything but idiot. Nonsense saying “How you doin’?” is somehow magic spell to attract next victim. Josef is SEMINOLES OF FLORIDA STATE. Bonus: Josef is having sister named Gina, who is strong of spirit and looking good, but is often bringing shame to family with brash behavior. Is like Miami Hurricanes!

Da, I am also watching few episodes of “Joey” television program (spinoff of “Friends”) to satisfy curiosity about future of Josef Tribbiani. Curiosity is only lasting three, maybe four episodes, maximum.