Condoleezza, She Is Here

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Condoleezza, she is here!

Yebena mat’! Security camera inside old sewage overflow tunnel of Emergency Secondary Headquarters. Is showing infiltration of Condoleezza Rice and CFP security forces. Bobby is immediate surrender. Kyle is unknown. I am put this information on website, then begin procedure of evacuation.

Commie Football Will Be There For You, Beginning Next Week

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druzya-banner Is first weekend of 2015 American college football season, but where is Commie Football results?

You are forgetting already! Commie Football season is not begin until Week Two of NCAA football regular season. Why is this? Is because Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation of Commie Football scores. Beginning of 2015 PUACF season is next week. You are finding 2015 season schedule here.


Here at Secondary Emergency Headquarters, is having recent problem. After previous intern (now member of staff) Bobby is playing with satellite feed like children’s toy, only video showing on security monitors is episodes of idiot American television program “Friends”. Is playing in endless loop, 24 hours every day!

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To keep brain from disintegrating into bowl of cold, moldy kasha, I am thinking always of college football while watching tragic love story of Ross and Rashel. Is true to admit, I am learning many things about meaningless capitalist American culture from this show. As example, each character is perfect symbol of American college football program:

  • ROSS GELLER is supposed “smart” character, expert in study of dinosaur era, but unable to find glory in present time. Is dating many women throughout story, but is never able to keep commitment, long-term. Whining is becoming louder each season, like spoiled child having tantrum. Is believing to be superior, but running away when danger is confronting. Ross is FIGHTING IRISH of NOTRE DAME. Bonus: Karol is former wife of Ross, now in relationship with Syuzan, just as USC Trojans is having more healthy relationship with Stanford Cardinal!
  • RASHEL GREEN is always wearing clothing and haircut of latest fashion, attracting much attention. But inside is shallow, like receding waters of Aral Sea. Is gazing always at beautiful reflection in mirror, but becoming panic in stressful situation. Rashel is OREGON DUCKS. Bonus: Rashel is leaving former fiance Barry, just as Oregon is leaving former archrival Washington Huskies! Surplus Bonus: Gunther is loser working in Central Perk kafe, who is having obsession with attractive looks of Rashel. This is Baylor Bears!
  • MONIKA GELLAR is craving competition, becoming aggressive with any slight perception of disrespect. Is also vstrevozhennyy, wanting control in every situation, insisting to only do her way, always. In past, Monika was typical fat American, but now, even when beautiful, is needing to prove superiority always, because is still feeling ugly inside. Monika is ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Bonus: Monika is having on-off relationship with Richard, who is older man set in ways, uninterested in change. Just like Ole Miss Rebels!
  • CHANDELIER BING is living easy life with much money, yet is always making loud, mean joke as defense to feel superior and hide secret hatred of self. Is mere cog in anonymous, capitalist finance corporation. Is also wearing woman’s sweater vest always, which is famous garment of recent popular college football coach. Chandelier is OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Bonus: Chandelier is sometimes running into old girlfriend Janice, who is having loud, annoying voice like braying donkey. This is also Michigan Wolverines!
  • In USSR, FEBA BUFFAY would spend rest of life in psikhiatricheskaya bol’nitsa. Is pretending to be child of flowers, but is former street criminal and drug addict, even now making threat to friends. Is playing rudimentary folk guitar and singing unlistenable song about cat in Central Perk kafe. Presence is making no sense. Drug addict, guitar, cats – is much like American city of Austin, in Texas SSR. Feba is TEXAS LONGHORNS. Bonus: Feba is having twin sister Ursula, who is being cruel and cold, like Siberian winter, to former family members, just like Texas A&M!
  • JOSEF TRIBIANI is typical American male, head filled with kholodets, interested only in eating neighbor’s food and spreading STD disease. Is failing actor, unable to pretend to be anything but idiot. Nonsense saying “How you doin’?” is somehow magic spell to attract next victim. Josef is SEMINOLES OF FLORIDA STATE. Bonus: Josef is having sister named Gina, who is strong of spirit and looking good, but is often bringing shame to family with brash behavior. Is like Miami Hurricanes!

Da, I am also watching few episodes of “Joey” television program (spinoff of “Friends”) to satisfy curiosity about future of Josef Tribbiani. Curiosity is only lasting three, maybe four episodes, maximum.

Introducing of Intern Kyle

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Here is photograph representation of Intern Kyle.

Here is photograph representation of Intern Kyle.

Following two-week journey by foot and small boat through dangerous taiga, I am meeting new intern at designated rendezvous location. On equally treacherous return journey, I am learning that new intern is nothing like previous Intern Bobby. Name of new intern is Kyle. I will refer to as “Intern Kyle”. You are seeing photo.

Wait. What is this? You are wondering where is Intern Bobby?

Da, Intern Bobby is yet also here. Is more strange situation, every day. After accident with Soviet attack helicopter, and rapid recovery due to experimental medical procedure over short Russian summer, Bobby is finally emerging from bed chamber and returning to old ways. Is meaning – Bobby is eating all of food storage and spending too much time in hot tub. When I am asking Bobby for help in chopping branches from trees for firewood, he is then complaining of sore arms and legs from missile attack, and saying he must rest more in bed chamber.

Report of Staff Member BobbySo, not gonna lie – I don’t remember a whole lot of what’s happened the past few… days? weeks? months? Apparently a Soviet gunship fired missiles at me? All I know is this – I wake up, back in my same old sleeping chamber, it smells horrible, and I’ve got like, IV tubes and wires and bleeps and bloops all over the place, Georgy’s nowhere to be found, I untangle myself and wander into the food storage chamber, and WOW – the kaisha tastes SOOOO GOOOD. I mean, like CRACKROCK good, you know? Took me awhile, but I finally figured out how to stream Netflix through the satellite feed machine, or whatever. Catching up with some old “Friends” – hehe! Of course, now Georgy’s back and he’s got this “Kyle” dude in tow, who’s all like, muscle-y and grunt-grunt-football-ugh. And from Yale, of course. Blegh. Oh, and Georgy says I’ve been kicked out of Harvard or something? He’s so difficult to understand sometimes. Anyway, now he says I owe him “rubles” to cover my healthcare costs, so I’m staying on for a little bit longer as a “member of staff” until I work down my debt. Uh… yay?

Spent the first few days of the internship hiking and hunting wild game. No big deal, really. I mean, I did Outward Bound. I survived two-a-days with Coach Reno. This was pretty easy, except for the night when this giant trout came flying out of the water, knocked Georgy overboard, and I had to hang on to him one-handed AND keep the canoe from overturning. Those were at least Class IV rapids, in the dark. I’d say the hardest part so far was making it to headquarters and finding this skinny-neck Harvard dude here, all doped up on painkillers and spacing in the hot tub. Typical Crimson. Georgy seems like a good boss, though. Took that fish to the jaw like a champ. Can’t understand what he’s saying all the time, but you get the gist.


With return of Bobby’s health, I am deciding to make long distance telephone communication with officials at Harvard University in Massachusetts SSR, to discuss situation (also because paperwork to obtain new intern is confusing, and FAQ on Harvard website is useless!). This is when I am learning there is no student with exact name of Bobby in school enrollment record. Crimson official is making claim that Bobby was expected for campus return this past January, but is making stupid mistake to think internship is for full academic year – two semesters instead of one. For this reason, he is expelled from university.

Is outrage! How can supposed prestigious American university of Harvard send inferior, glupyy student for internship? In anger, I am slicing cord on telephone with nearby bayonet.

Then, I am using shortwave radio to make secret contact with sworn enemy of Harvard, University of Yale in Connecticut SSR. There, I am finding perfect intern candidate who is recent member of Yale football team roster. Due to weightlifting injury during springtime training regimen, Intern Kyle is ineligible for playing this upcoming season, instead receiving “red shirt” designation. This “red shirt” is sounding like very good qualification for Commie Football internship, da?

Is easy to see why Kyle is coming from University of Yale – he is looking much like Yale bulldog mascot. Is perhaps short of height little bit, but is having very thick neck and strong arms. Is good for manual labor, less fragile than Intern Bobby. Also hopeful stronger brain, as well.

Already, new Intern Kyle is asking to hunt and kill wild indeyka, to prove worth. I am telling him, “You must have patience, like Soviet sniper at Battle of Stalingrad.”


While I am gone for two weeks to retrieve new intern, Bobby is also playing with critical satellite communication equipment, like video game toy! Now, satellite feed is becoming stuck, playing endless loop of idiot American television program, with title “Friends.” Theme song is digging inside head, like KGB torture!

As simple first task, I am asking Intern Kyle to fix satellite feed. I will assign this task after I am finding out conclusion of story, if Ross and Rashel is finding true love. Is seeming impossible at this moment.

Realignment for Benefit of All!

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realignment-2015Is two months’ time since announcement of promotion and relegation for 2015 season. Fans of Ball State, Kent State, Bowling Green, and Northern Illinois – teams relegated to Tier 2 – is now silent, staring at cold ground with feeling of shame, drying tears, and accepting of fate.

As contrast, fans of Colorado State, Appalachian State, Texas State, and UTEP – teams promoted to Tier 1 – is finishing celebration and is now suffering from bad pokhmel’ye. Here is tip – best cure for headache and discomfort of intestines is raw cabbage.

Today is day of Tier 1 realignment announcement (see new 2015 map). Every season, after some teams is moving down due to relegation, or moving up due to promotion, is necessary to redistribute all Tier 1 teams into districts making most geographic sense. This is minimizing travel, and reducing artificial “rivalry” with teams from very far away.

And yet, sometimes shifting is causing disruption for close, traditional rival teams, such as Virginia (District 1) and Virginia Tech (District 2), or Indiana (District 3) and Purdue (District 5). Genius schedule of Commie Football is fixing this, designating Week 11 game for traditional rivals not already on schedule.

Here is list showing changes to districts and divisions for 2015 season. Team names in bold is moving to new district, while team names in italic is moving to opposite division of same district:


DISTRICT 1: Is nothing new. Is same teams in same divisions for four seasons consecutive, creating many ferocious regional rival games.

NORTH: Army, Boston College, Connecticut, Rutgers, Syracuse, Temple
SOUTH: Maryland, Navy, Penn State, Pitt, Virginia, West Virginia


DISTRICT 2: Is adding Appalachian State, due to promotion from Tier 2. To make space, Kentucky Wildcats is now moving to District 3.

NORTH: Duke, East Carolina, North Carolina, NC State, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest
SOUTH: Appalachian State, Clemson, Georgia, Georgia Tech, South Carolina, Tennessee


DISTRICT 3: Many changes in this District after relegation of Ball State, Bowling Green, and Kent State to Tier 2. Also, due to changes elsewhere, Notre Dame is moving to District 5. To replace these four teams is Kentucky from District 2, plus Arkansas State, Memphis, and Vanderbilt from District 4. Many is questioning logic of Arkansas State playing in same District as Michigan Wolverines, but look at map and see if this is not making most sense! Also, Cincinnati, Ohio Bobcats, and defending champion Ohio State is shifting to North division.

NORTH: Cincinnati, Indiana, Michigan State, Michigan, Ohio, Ohio State
SOUTH: Arkansas State, Kentucky, Louisville, Marshall, Memphis, Vanderbilt


DISTRICT 4: Domino effect of promotion & relegation is also making impact in this District, which is losing three teams to District 3 (see above). Replacing departed teams is Louisiana-Lafayette, LSU, and Louisiana Tech, all from District 6 last season.

EAST:  Auburn, Florida, Florida State, Miami (FL), South Florida, UCF
WEST: Alabama, Louisiana–Lafayette, LSU, Louisiana Tech, Mississippi State, Ole Miss


DISTRICT 5: Following Northern Illinois relegation to Tier 2, District 5 is stealing big fish Notre Dame from District 3.

NORTH: Illinois, Minnesota, Northwestern, Notre Dame, Purdue, Wisconsin
SOUTH: Iowa, Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Nebraska


DISTRICT 6: Is experiencing many changes, losing three teams to District 4 and one team to District 7. In turn, is taking three teams from District 7, and also adding Texas State, new promotion from Tier 2. Is also switching to North/South divisions.

NORTH: Arkansas, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, SMU, TCU, Tulsa
SOUTH: Baylor, Houston, Rice, Texas A&M, Texas, Texas State


DISTRICT 7: Biggest change is addition of two teams being promoted from Tier 2 – 2014 champion Colorado State and UTEP. Also is adding UTSA from District 6 after relinquishing the three Oklahoma SSR teams to that District. Changes is also causing Air Force to fly from North to South division.

NORTH: Boise State, BYU, Colorado, Colorado State, Utah, Utah State
SOUTH: Air Force, Arizona, Arizona State, Texas Tech, UTEP, UTSA


DISTRICT 8: Nyet, is no changes.

NORTH: California, Nevada, Oregon, Oregon State, Washington, Washington State
SOUTH: Fresno State, Hawaii, San Diego State, Stanford, UCLA, USC



Due to promotion and relegation, Tier 2 is area of greatest upheaval each off-season, adding and losing teams to both Tier 1 and Tier 3. In next post, realignment for upcoming 2015 season will be presented.


Soon, Intern Bobby will make return to home University of Harvard in Massachusetts SSR. I am making arrangement for his departure on Mil Mi-24 gunship helicopter, which is delivering shipment of supplies to secret location close to emergency secondary headquarters, in few weeks’ time. In meanwhile, Bobby is spending many hours in hot tub. I am also sometimes seeing Bobby making strange faces at own reflection in two-way mirror, unaware as I am watching from other side. Perhaps next American intern is demonstrating more intelligence. Also, more physical strength and speed, for carrying firewood and hunting wild animals for food.