Week Two: Fear & Confusion!

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putin-confusedIn early weeks of new American college football season, many fan is visiting Commie Football website and seeing surprise upset defeat of strong team by seeming weak team. Is causing fear and confusion. Why is this result? Is part because strong team (such as defending champion Ohio State Buckeyes) is yet experiencing hangover from too much celebratory shampanskoye and is playing sloppy football in early games of new season. But is also part because Commie Football supercomputer is penalizing strong team who is scheduling weak, cupcake opponent from different Tier for automatic win!

MISS_2015

In celebration of Week Two 43-37 victory over hated rival, Crimson Tide of Alabama, Ole Miss is making official, permanent change from dark blue to light blue helmet color, which is reminding of beautiful reflection of Siberian sky in still waters of Lake Baikal.

You are seeing this happen in Week Two of Commie Football season, when seeming strong team such as Oregon Ducks is falling like Berlin in 1945 to weak Washington State Cougars, by score 36-29! Auburn Tigers is also losing to weak Bulls of South Florida, by score 31-28! Once mighty Louisville Cardinals is losing to seeming weak Red Wolves of Arkansas State (who is ironic having strongest nickname in college football), by score 28-15! Weak American military preparatory school Army Black Knights is somehow finding strength to defeat District 1 bully Boston College Eagles by low score of 14-8!

Is Soviet supercomputer technology broken? Nyet, comrade. Many game scores is meeting fan expectation, with few surprise twist!

In Commie Football, superior organization and schedule matrix is making for more difficult journey to championship glory for all teams. Only true strongest team is able to conquer 12 regular season plus four playoff games without losing at least one game. After only two weeks of new season, is only 25 of 96 teams on Tier 1 level yet unbeaten! In NCAA, is seeming every FBS team “unbeaten” with two or three cupcake opponent in fat, pig stomach!

So I’m helping Georgy run his score calculations, and he goes, “What is this?” and mutters something in Russian (first I’ve heard him speak in days, btw). Then he says “Yale Bulldogs is losing in both week one and week two, first to Central Arkansas, then to Ivy League rival Brown.” What can I say, man? First off – I’m not there to help out, so those losses aren’t mine. Second – I can’t help it if Yale gets penalized for scheduling Cornell and Colgate (“Tier 3″ teams, according to Georgy). I mean, Harvard scheduled Rhode Island, so it’s not like they’re booking top-flight non-Ivy competition, you know? Season’s still young, dude – nobody’s panicking!

I guess Harvard is like, totally crushing Yale in the Commie Football standings so far. You’d think I’d brag about it more – you know, higher U.S. News & World Report ranking, higher average ACT/SAT/AP scores for incoming freshmen, higher Commie Football ranking – I mean, Harvard’s pretty much better than Yale in all measurable statistical categories, right? Thing is, I’m still a little bit hurt about begin expelled, so I’m having some mixed feelings right now about The Yard. I mean, in some ways I still bleed Crimson. Then again… don’t we all? Ha! Get it, because technically we all have red blood? OMG. Anyway – the other reason I don’t want to brag too much is because I’m afraid Kyle might beat me senseless.

Here is few other interesting Week 2 game results:

  • Ohio 18 vs. Ohio State 26
  • Indiana 20 vs. Michigan State 53
  • TCU 54 vs. Tulsa 37
  • Baylor 79 vs. Texas State 33
  • Illinois 18 vs. Notre Dame 39
  • Georgia 52 vs. South Carolina 20
  • Louisiana Tech 27 vs. LSU 42
  • San Diego State 18 vs. UCLA 46
  • Florida 7 vs. Florida State 12
  • Oklahoma 33 vs. Oklahoma State 54

WHERE IS TOP POWER RANKING?

Top Power ranking is to return following Week Three games. Only fool is revealing premature power ranking early in season, using inadequate data! Three games is minimum requirement of Commie Football supercomputer to have adequate data for proper calculation.

To demonstrate how ranking with limited data is making no sense, supercomputer is placing Washington Huskies as #1 team after Week One. This week, is now Notre Dame Fighting Irish, follow by Georgia, Iowa, West Virginia, UCLA, Northwestern, Washington, Mizzou, Florida State, and Rutgers.

There, you are now reading premature top 10 teams! You are happy? Nyet, you are more confused!

WHERE IS TIER 2?

Rich, lazy Ivy League is finally playing football games like rest of nation, so Tier 2 standings and scoreboard is now complete. On Tier 2 level, is only 30 of 96 teams yet unbeaten.

Here is few interesting game results:

  • Bowling Green 55 vs. Eastern Michigan 19
  • Alabama A&M 25 vs. Western Kentucky 75
  • Alabama State 11 vs. Jacksonville State 41
  • Buffalo 22 vs. Toledo 38
  • Central Michigan 42 vs. Western Michigan 24
  • Georgia Southern 46 vs. Mercer 13
  • Grambling 24 vs. Louisiana-Monroe 19
  • Harvard 30 vs. New Hampshire 10
  • Idaho 36 vs. Montana 29
  • New Mexico 22 vs. New Mexico State 56
  • North Dakota State 25 vs. South Dakota State 35

Tier 2 Top Power ranking is also premature, but #1 rank is held at this time by Bowling Green Falcons, who is perhaps having something to prove following Tier 2 relegation in off-season. Behind BGSU is Stony Brook, William & Mary, San Jose State, James Madison, Toledo, Georgia Southern, Princeton, FIU, and UMass.

There, you are now seeing premature Top 10 rankings from Tier 2! This information is confidential. Please, no distribution. Many men is gladly dying to protect.

2014 Champions is Perhaps Not Surprise

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With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

TIER 1 CHAMPION IN ALL WORLDS: OHIO STATE BUCKEYES

Pozdravlyayu to the Buckeyes of Ohio State, champion of the 2014 college football season – in all worlds, including Commie Football! Ohio State is dominating Oregon Ducks 42-20 in Commie Orange Bowl championship game, to end season bathing n eternal glory.

Perhaps this is not surprise. Da, this is second season consecutive in which Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is awarding championship to same team as nonsense system supported by corrupt NCAA. Many fans is asking – what is it meaning when superior Soviet system is producing same result as evil, capitalist system? Some are even saying in whiny voice, “But I liked it better when Commie Football crowned like, a totally random team, like when Utah State won the championship in 2012.”

Is typical American response. Is nobody happy when “surprise” team wins? And is nobody happy when “expected” team wins also?!

Look at weakness of current College Football Playoff system. Committee of idiot judges (except Condoleezza, of course) is picking four teams to appear in playoff. Ohio State is almost not included, due to player injuries, personal bias, and socio-political interest of committee members. Fans of TCU and Baylor is crying tears in Shiner Bock beer, when neither Horned Frogs nor Bears is receiving invitation to miniscule, 4-team CFP playoff.

Here is truth – this will be same argument next season, and season after that, and so on – UNTIL 16 teams at MINIMUM is making playoffs! This season, CFP system is having simple beginner’s luck, including OSU in playoff as low #4 seed as afterthought. But Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is confirming that da, for fact it is the Buckeyes who are best team in college football this season! Only losses is in Week One to USC and Week 11 to Penn State, after OSU is already clinching playoff spot. After defeating top-rank Notre Dame in District 3 Championship game, Buckeyes is beating Tennessee and TCU on way to championship victory over Oregon.

Oregon Ducks (13-3, #2) is runner-up, losing championship and #1 Top Power rank, perhaps due to weakling #35-rank defense. Is second season consecutive that Ducks is losing in championship game. Here is advice – next season, spend more time designing strategy for winning football game, instead of designing fancy uniforms in every color of rainbow, looking like pizhama for children!

In world of Commie Football, TCU (12-3, #3) and Ole Miss (12-3, #4) is finishing with better rank than Florida State (10-3, #6) (who is losing to Ole Miss in District 4 Championship) and Alabama (4-8) (who is not even making to playoff)! Many more surprising results come from final 2014 Standings.

And of course, fans of Baylor Bears (9-3, #12) is continuing to make big bear-size tears, because even in Commie Football, Baylor is good team, but TCU is better. Perhaps is curse of ugly, nonsense, alternate blackout uniform? Spend more time designing strategy for winning football game instead of ugly uniform in non-traditional color for school!

Ram Boy, crying miracle black tears, is becoming most famous superfan of Colorado State.

Ram Boy, crying miracle black tears, is becoming holy icon of Tier 2 champion Colorado State Rams team.

TIER 2 CHAMPIONSHIP: CSU RAMS CLIMB MOUNTAIN, NEXT CLIMB TO TIER 1?

Ohio State is not only championship team in America today! Colorado State Rams (15-1, #1 rank) – looking like champions in glorious orange-and-green uniforms – is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky 41-38, a team with frightening, top-rank offense. But in end, it is weak #63-rank defense by WKU that is allowing Colorado State to emerge victorious by only three points.

But CSU is now suffering regret, missing undefeated season due to Week Eight loss to Eastern Illinois Panthers. Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season!

Fans in Kentucky SSR is forgetting sorrows in bottom of illegal homemade whiskey jar, but all is not lost for WKU. After glorious District 5 title and playoff run, fans of Hilltoppers is now hoping that Big Red blob mascot will move up to Tier 1 next season… to perhaps meet Brutus Buckeye on field of battle in District 3?

Intern Bobby is saying...Georgy’s all like (in his accent), “Season is over. You are now going home to America.” But then I’m like, “Uh… this is a FULLLLL YEEEEAR internship, remember? Two semesters. You got me until May, old man.” Finally, he’s like, “Is fine. Is many repairs to be making to concrete roof and rusting pipes of emergency secondary bunker. First, you are fixing problems made when you are overflowing hot tub water into computer server chamber.” Geh…. It was AN ACCIDENT! Like I’m the only one who’s ever drank too much kvass and tried to make an indoor skating rink, AMIRITE?

IS NEXT: PROMOTION & RELEGATION

Excitement of Commie Football is not ending with championship games!

Is no summer vacation! During offseason, Soviet supercomputer is making calculations to determine promotion and relegation of teams between Tiers.

Last season, is much controversy when both Tier 2 champion (North Texas) and runner-up (Buffalo) is not receiving invitation for promotion to Tier 1 level. But look at this – neither UNT nor UB is making Tier 2 playoffs this season! Is more proof that Soviet supercomputer is having more intelligence than simple brain of common American! Intern Bobby is proving this fact to me, every day.

You are returning to website in few weeks’ time for news of promotion and relegation.

Which is Superior: Color Orange or Color Gold?

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Here is photo of Colorado State Rams on television wearing orange and green uniform.

Here is photo of Colorado State Rams on television wearing orange and green uniform.

As you are knowing, PUACF is great defender of tradition, especially traditional colors and uniforms of American college football teams.

Old tradition is like fine Rostov wine, taking many years to reach perfection. Many new football uniforms is looking bezvkusnyy, with nonsense swooshing stripes and shiny metal facemasks – is like cheap vodka, only popular for short time, then bottle is completely empty! As example of stupid trend, here is popular blog post from last season giving eight reasons why “blackout uniform” is possible worst idea ever to enter brain of man.

And yet… is rare to happen, but sometimes new idea is seeing light of day which is not stinking of pigsty. Last weekend, Colorado State Rams is leaping to #1 Top Power in Tier 2 ranking after defeat of strong San Jose State team. CSU in this game is celebrating “Ag Day” and wearing throwback uniform pairing normal green color with unusual orange color (as replacement for usual green/gold colors).

Intern Bobby is saying...OMG, so this “orange and green” thing? Totally MY IDEA. The other night, after I’d spent like, hours fixing some b.s. with Georgy’s spreadsheets, he’s all reflective, and staring into the fire or whatever, and he goes (in his weird Yakov Smirnoff accent) “What is it you are missing most, from your home in America?” and I’m like – without missing a beat – I’m like, “You know what? How ’bout some f-in’ GREEN or ORANGE food for once? I feel GROSS. All I’ve eaten since I’ve been in Russia has been like, shades of brown or gray…” and Georgy goes (in his accent) – “You are enjoying orange and green colors together?” and I’m like, “Yeah, dude – like, salad leaves? Orange juice?” and I start gesturing with my hands to help him understand, and next thing I know he’s babbling in Russian “Mishkrevbrovgruv… Colorado State… ishpooshkidhtov… orange and green… jablonikoff…” Uh… #foodpyramid 

In world of Commie Football, wearing of traditional school colors on football uniform is visible tribute to players who are dying on same field many years ago, creating bond that is strong between old and young generations, like iron shackle connecting legs of prisoners, preventing escape from gulag. This is how new nation is being created! This is more important even than fancy, new model of cellular telephone from Finland SSR manufacturer.

But orange and green? This is peculiar color scheme. What is meaning? Is making reference to early origins of CSU, when school was known as Colorado A&M technical kolledzha. When school is later becoming “big shot” university, spoiled American  officials of era is changing official school color from orange to gold, to look like having more wealth! Starting then, CSU is trying to compete with, but is instead feeling  inferior to Colorado University down road, who is having gold and black colors!

Spending dollars on fancy clothing, maybe even looking like – in Russian we say al’fons – is typical solution to problem of self-esteem in capitalist country!

But CSU throwback uniform is beautiful homage to proud, strong, technical school of old times long ago, when students is learning important jobs to prepare for work as farmer, pig farmer, goat herder, or maker of wooden farming tool, orange and green colors for Colorado State is tradition even older than tradition of gold and green colors!

CSU_2014For this reason, change is receiving official endorsement of Commie Football, as you are seeing here on CSU full 2014 schedule. Is new PUACF/CSU banner also there on right side.

PUACF is sometimes allowing very small amount of change as token gift to unhappy citizens. NOW IS BACK TO WORK!

In Russia, Only Blackout is From Too Much Vodka

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Is no surprise to Commie Football that Baylor Bears is having very good season – after all, Baylor is #1 Top Power team for many weeks now! But over past few days, Commie Football is having debate on Twitter about Baylor wearing “blackout” uniforms when playing big Thursday night primetime game against Sooners of Oklahoma. Fans of Baylor is all very excited to see #EveryoneInBlack and is saying “Here is best way to making big impression on national stage!” Baylor is winning this football game, so fan is happy and slapping hands on other fan’s back. Is wearing black making Baylor so scary that Sooners is too scared to play football game right way?

Here is EIGHT REASONS why Commie Football is thinking this is terrible trend:

1. Is unoriginal. Already is so many college football teams trying to make themselves look or play somehow better by wearing special “blackout” uniform. Simple Google Image search is showing how many teams is jumping on same bandwagon: Baylor, Oregon, BYU, UCLA, Northwestern, Boise State, Fresno State, Stanford, WashingtonEast Carolina, North Carolina, Utah, Virginia Tech, Arizona State, Louisiana-Lafayette, Texas A&M, Duke, Mississippi State, Rutgers, Ohio University, and this is only quick search! List is not even include teams only wearing nonsense all-black uniform except helmet, like Tennessee, Kentucky, Nebraska, and Tulane! Is more understanding, maybe even okay, when black is already traditional school color, like for TCU Horned Frogs or Colorado Buffaloes, but for all others is already old, tired cliche! Every new team saying “let’s do blackout!” is late to party! By the way, you notice about this list? None of these teams is winning recent championship! Maybe black uniform is curse?

In Russia, sports team is only wearing blackout uniform when playing game immediately following 18-hour shift at coal mine in Ural Mountains.

In Russia, sports team is only wearing blackout uniform when playing game immediately following 18-hour shift at coal mine in Ural Mountains.

2. Is disrespectful to tradition. Sometimes university is picking official colors many years ago, and fans/players are not liking these colors and are wishing team could be in different colors. Well, IS TOO BAD!  Is like flag of your country – if you are loving this school, then you must respect these colors and not change colors like willy-nilly. Many football players from this school is having played in these colors and is experiencing both glory and pain on gridiron! When school like Baylor, who is having very good traditional green and gold colors, is changing to black just because is “looking cool” – is disrespect to all past Baylor players and students!

3. Is disrespectful to history. Some fans is saying “Baylor has been a losing football program for many years. This is new type of football team for new era!” To this Commie Football is saying – is impossible to change or forget team’s history of losing only by changing uniform colors! If green/gold is meaning “losing” to team, then here is chance to change what colors are meaning! For fan who is seeing green/gold as losing colors, winning is now even more sweet! Every team is having history that is due respect, win or lose! If you are loser for many years, and now you are winning? Is even better! If nobody is respecting old teams or school colors, then school should change colors every time it is losing!

4. Is desperate for attention, like child. Some fans is saying, “Oh, the young players and the recruits all LOVE the black uniforms!” So opinion of fickle teenagers is superior to opinion of grown-ups and fans of many generations? Spoiled teenagers should be getting all they want, when they want? But if every team is wearing black uniform then who is teenager recruits going to pick? Is harder and harder choice every year! Is every team in country now expecting to wear special “blackout” uniform when is having big, important game? Big game is always meaning new uniform because how are you going to attract attention of teenagers?

As famous English poet Stepan Morrissey is saying, "I am wearing black on outside, because black is how I am feeling on inside."

As famous English poet Stepan Morrissey is saying, “I am wearing black on outside, because black is how I am feeling on inside.”

5. Is sign of insecurity. Is team feeling insecure in old “boring” uniform? You know who is NOT wearing stupid blackout uniforms? Many perennial powerhouse teams (and recent national champions) in country – Oklahoma, Florida, Ohio State, LSU, Penn State, USC, Texas, Notre Dame, Michigan – is not needing gimmick black uniform to attract recruits. Strength of program itself – including proud, traditional colors – is enough for recruiting top players! Not wearing latest fashion trend, or new fancy haircut to impress teenage girls in school cafeteria! This is what a “uniform” is representing! Not something you are changing whenever wind of trends is blowing this way or that way! Unnecessary blackout uniform is sign of weakness and insecurity. School is needing novelty to make fans excited. Irony is that traditional powerhouse schools are maybe only ones for who wearing special blackout uniform is not hurting overall brand. But if your campus is unattractive dump and football team is always bad and coaching is bad and school has nothing special to attract recruits, then black uniform is not helping you anyways!

6. Is capitalist plot. Anyone with brain is knowing why black uniform trend is so catching on – because is making money for pockets of rich school and uniform manufacturer with merchandise sales. Of course, if everyone had brain then they would not be running to Internet to buy new black uniform when is going on sale for $51.96.

7. Is bad for school brand. Oh, I am east coast casual football fan and was watching game on TV Thursday night – Oklahoma was looking bad. Sooners were losing game to… uh… was it Colorado? Or Missouri? Or Purdue? Some team who is looking like ink smudge from Midwest.” Okay, maybe you are not caring what casual fan on east coast is thinking. How about parents of star football recruit from Florida who is confused over who school is? Or AP Poll voter who is not knowing much about college football besides powerhouse schools? Hardcore fan in Waco is finding hard to believe… but most of nation is only having little idea what Baylor is looking like! In minds of people, color is always having strong link with school brand – color is main thing many people are remembering about teams. Changing color to anonymous #2 lead pencil is not helping people remember which school is who!

8. Is very – as American teenager is saying – “FUGLY”. Blackout? Is more like BLEGHK-out! Uniforms is looking very ugly. Is looking like uniform is accidentally being dropped into Yugra oil well, then drying in smoke from burning rubble of Stalingrad after Nazi invasion! Now is modern 2013 – not black-and-white photograph from time of Russian Revolution! Commie Football is liking to see colors!

You are thinking this opinion is too strong? Commie Football is not alone: