TIER 1 CHAMPION: TIGERS OF CLEMSON!
Pozdravlyayu to Tigers of Clemson, champion of 2015 Commie Football college football season! Clemson is defeating USC Trojans 33-25 in Commie Fiesta Bowl championship game, to end season as final team in hot spotlight of eternal glory.
Result is perhaps different than college football fans is expecting. In corrupt College Football Playoff system, Clemson is losing in championship game to Alabama Crimson Tide. But in world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide (9-3, #10) is not qualifying for playoffs! Bama loss to Ole Miss (9-3, #6) in Week 2 is later handing division title and playoff invitation to Rebels at end of season. Clemson is then defeating Ole Miss in playoffs, Round 2 on path to eternal glory, despite mediocre offense (#31) and defense (#22) rankings!
In village of Tuscaloosa, this is tragedy… yet every other village in America is very happy with this result. Is many more surprising results to read in final 2015 Standings.
MYSTERIES OF SUPERCOMPUTER
Is unusual finding of Soviet supercomputer. Despite championship game victory, Clemson is yet finishing season as #2 Top Power rank! Advanced supercomputer algorithm is placing Oklahoma Sooners (13-2) as #1 rank team, despite loss to Clemson in Round 3 playoff game. Is small, meaningless honor for Oklahoma, perhaps good fact for propaganda poster to attract new football recruits. Top Power rank is complex mathematical calculation, and supercomputer is unburdened by weak human emotion.
But is no celebration this day in Norman, Oklahoma SSR. Only in village of Clemson, South Carolina SSR is brief celebratory gathering permitted. There, as reward for successful season, one bottle of good Sovetskoye Shampanskoye is flowing clear and plentiful, like Volga River.
For USC Trojans (12-4, #3), long, unexpected good season is yet having very sad ending, like Tolstoy novel. Following loss to Florida State in Week One, USC is defeating strong division opponents UCLA and Stanford, and collecting enough victories to make playoffs. There, Trojans is utilizing #8-rank offense to avenge regular season losses to both Washington Huskies and Fighting Irish of Notre Dame on surprise path to championship game. Perhaps is not enough strength remaining to win final battle? Perhaps Trojan armor is having small hole, which enemy is exploiting?
TIER 2 CHAMPION: GOLDEN EAGLES OF SOUTHERN MISS
But Clemson is not only new champion team of America college football! Southern Miss Golden Eagles (15-1, #1 rank) is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Spartans of San Jose State 43-32 in battle between #1 and #5 offenses on Tier 2 level.
Southern Miss is losing first game of season to weak Eastern Washington team, but is then executing difficult task of winning all remaining games – 15 total, including playoff victory over powerful WKU – to seize championship glory! Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season.
Spartans of San Jose State (13-2, #2), despite Week Nine loss to division rival UNLV, is making overall impressive season to become second consecutive T2/District 8 representative in championship game.
Is unfortunate situation, but due to ration, supply of Sovetskoye Shampanskoye is limited. Only South Carolina SSR is receiving one bottle. Fans in Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR is permitted to drink water from Leaf River, infused with bubbles from military air compressor. One liter each, maximum.
SEASON IS COMPLETE. WHAT IS NOW PLAN?
Now is beginning of long college football offseason. But is not meaning is time for lazy American, sitting on fat yagoditsy, thinking only of taking perfect profile photo on VKontakte social website! (This is subtle message, intending for Bobby.)
Is yet much work to do to prepare for 2016 season! First is promotion and relegation, then necessary realignment on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels, and last is creation of new 2016 Commie Football schedule.
Da, supercomputer is also requiring of critical repairs. Is complex pipe network inside supercomputer, to make cold environment, like Siberia just before dawn. Computer power is very hot. Is making big enough heat to supply entire interior of Emergency Secondary Headquarters! Including for hot tub of Bobby (there is other secret hot tub in complex, I am never showing to Bobby).
But if heat is too great, critical components of supercomputer is melting into puddle, like Kolka Glacier, due to recent global warming, due to necessary Soviet nuclear missile training and testing.
When Sibirskiye iris is beginning summer bloom, Intern Kyle is ending internship. Is difficult work to coordinate secret airlift for departure. Location is very remote. I am beginning this paperwork process soon, perhaps tomorrow. First step is requiring completion of webform on Internet, which I am asking Bobby to do. Is unusual. Bobby is completing this task very quickly….
Like brutal Battle of Stalingrad, each new Commie Football season is war of attrition. Superior schedule matrix is meaning no team is ever playing weak, cupcake opponent from lower-tier school! And when is team enjoying relaxing, lazy American tradition of “bye week” during season? NEVER! Each game is yet one battle in vicious, season-long war! Is impossible to win all! Only very strongest teams from each District is winning enough to advance to playoffs, and there must fight to death, four more strong opponents on path to eternal championship glory!
Following relegation after bad 2012 season on Tier 1 level, Southern Miss Eagles is landing in same division as Tulane Green Wave. Tulane is easy crushing Eagles in both 2013 and 2014 regular seasons. But now, is 2015. Tulane is moving to new District during off-season realignment, allowing Golden Eagles to gain strength enough to finally defeat rival Green Wave in Week 11 victory.
This week, is rematch of brutal enemies. Could Southern Miss again defeat Green Wave of Tulane? You are knowing this, now.
Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR
Final Score: Southern Miss 44, Tulane 26
Notes: Like powerful-yet-lightweight paper towel (invention of Soviet science during Great Patriotic War) Southern Miss (14-1, #1) is fully absorbing Green Wave of Tulane, like scum from surface of stagnant ozero, and then wringing out, into backyard stochnaya truba, to eliminate from 2015 Tier 2 championship chase! Tulane (10-5, #8) is having good season, even better than 2014, but is perhaps already expending too much of own wave energy during upset defeat of Georgia Southern last week. Next question is this – can Southern Miss Eagles fulfill destiny and win Tier 2 championship game next week?
Game: Tier 2 Semifinal
Location: Toledo, Ohio SSR
Final Score: San Jose State 34, Toledo 33
Notes: Like true warriors of ancient Sparta, where every citizen is member of military, Spartans of San Jose State (13-2, #2) is making successful invasion of enemy Ohio SSR territory, winning difficult victory by single point of spear, to advance to championship game and eternal glory, maybe! SJSU is having almost as powerful offense (#4 rank) as Southern Miss (#1), but Spartans defense (#40) is superior to USM (#54). Can San Jose State rise up to fight greatest battle of season versus powerful Southern Miss, or will Spartans experience another Battle of Leuctra?
WHO IS WINNING FINAL BATTLE OF 2015 SEASON? WILL EAGLE FLY HIGH IN SKY, OR WILL SPARTAN IMPALE WITH SPEAR?
On one hand, eagle is having very sharp talons, for ripping and shredding meat of prey. Attack is coming swift from above, tearing into critical areas, such as eyes, and brain. Once prey is on ground, eagle is then striking with sharp beak into chest, ripping out heart and eating in view of victim, who is yet breathing and conscious for many seconds.
On other hand, Spartan warrior is mindless machine of killing, training from very young age how to throw spear with great accuracy, and use sword to impale enemy, without mercy or hesitation. If bleeding victim is then begging for mercy, Spartan is immediately thrusting sword again through heart and/or brain, to ensure quick death. Then Spartan is searching for next enemy victim.
WHO WILL BE TRUE CHAMPION? USC TROJANS OR CLEMSON TIGERS?
World of Commie Football is intriguing, parallel universe, bringing order to old chaotic system of determining American college football champion. Simple-minded critic is saying that Commie Football supercomputer is calculating impossible result, as when Utah State Aggies is winning 2012 championship. But in both 2013 and 2014 seasons, Commie Football supercomputer is crowning same champion (Florida State, Ohio State) as ludicrous CFP system. Then, is more complaints, asking always in whining American voice – what is this to prove, when superior Soviet system is producing same result as idiot, capitalist BCS or CFP or NCAA or CIA system?
Is simple. Even young Kazakh child is understanding. Corrupt capitalist system, such as nonsense NCAA, is sometimes having good luck! Or, sometimes is same, obvious true best team in all universes of college football.
But 2015 is different, little bit. First, is both underdog teams winning in Round 3 playoff semifinal, eliminating Oklahoma Sooners (#1 Top Power rank) and Notre Dame (#2). One winning team – Clemson Tigers (12-3, #3) – da, is also contender for championship in corrupt CFP system. But other team – USC Trojans (12-3, #2) – is perhaps surprise contender to college football fan.
Is interesting, but where is so-called “CFP champion” Crimson Tide of Alabama? In world of Commie Football, Bama (9-3, #10) is not even receiving invitation to playoff, due to Week Two loss to eventual District 4 West champion Ole Miss Rebels (10-4, #6).
Do you hear this? In world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide Nation is, at end of regular season, crying like baby without raw goat milk! You are now liking this Soviet system already more, da?
Behold! Here is Round 3 playoff results:
Game: Aloha Bowl
Location: Honolulu, HI
Final Score: Clemson 37, Oklahoma 17
Notes: Score is perhaps not surprise to follower of inferior CFP college football system, but in world of Commie Football, is great upset loss for top-rank Oklahoma (13-2, #1 rank yet, despite loss). Not only is Sooners losing opportunity for eternal championship glory, but is also falling in offense rank to #2 position, behind hated archrival Cowboys of Oklahoma State (10-2, #7). Is bringing back bad memory of time when all Oklahoma SSR was holding breath!
Sooners is now losing in second Aloha Bowl, consecutive. Perhaps is spending too much time sleeping on beach like lazy morskoy lev, rather than practice football. Since losing two early games in season to Appalachian State (Week 3) and Stanford (Week 4), Clemson is 10-1, losing only to Georgia (Week 9). Will Tigers prevail in hunt for championship?
Game: Peach Bowl
Location: Atlanta, GA
Final Score: USC 34, Notre Dame 33
Notes: In rematch of Week Eleven game between fierce rivals, Trojans of USC (12-3, #2) is making revenge on Fighting Irish (11-4, #4), finding path to victory this time by one point only, to advance to championship game. USC #6-rank offense is sneaking by Irish defense, but can same offense perform better vs. stronger Clemson #22-rank defense in championship?
Trojan vs. Tiger… is reminding of gladiator battle in ancient Colosseum of Italiya SSR….
For Notre Dame, is second season to lose in playoffs, but finish in top 5 Top Power rank. Perhaps luck of Irish is only taking so far. This is why luck of Russian is superior in end.
INTERROGATION ROOM CONCLUSION
Finally, I am finding paper with passcode information to unlock interrogation chamber, to set free Intern Kyle and Bobby after many days. Is very frustrating. I am searching with much effort, many rooms of Emergency Secondary Headquarters, but finding nothing.
One day, I am taking break from search, allowing brain to remember frustrating, unresolved plot question within old episode of American “Friends” television program, and am deciding to access this episode using Netflix via satellite feed, for research purpose. I am asking Bobby through bars of interrogation chamber for Netflix account passcode. He is saying it is written on piece of paper in scrapbook he is keeping in bedroom chamber.
I am already knowing of this scrapbook, but have not been reading recent entries. There, I am finding piece of paper with writing of BOTH NETFLIX AND INTERROGATION CHAMBER PASSCODES! Then, I am discovering that Bobby is using SAME PASSCODE for Netflix as code for unlocking interrogation chamber door! For the love of Condoleezza! Is insecure to use identical passcode for multiple purpose! Here is more reason why Bobby is idiot!