This is Story About Control

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"Tovarisch Jackson, if you are nasty."

“Tovarisch Jackson, if you are nasty.”

GIVE ME (OPPONENT) TO BEAT!

This is what every college football team qualifying for 2015 Commie Football playoffs is now wanting. Even more, every college football fan is losing breath with anticipation for excitement to know who is champion team.

But as Dzhenet Jackson, famous poet from Indiana SSR, is saying, “let us wait awhile.” Why is wait? Is because in world of Commie Football, superior 16-team playoff to determine TRUE champion of all American college football is schedule in January, many weeks in future.

Is good reason, worthy of long wait! Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to determine final scores of Commie Football playoff games, including final scores of pointless conference championship games (early December) and meaningless bowl games named for corrupt American corporation (late December/early January). Only after this, is then time for Commie Football playoffs.

As reminder, here is review of qualifying playoff teams on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels. Remember, first round is District Championship games:

TIER 1

  • District 1: Connecticut (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia (8-4, #21)
  • District 2: Duke (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson (9-3, #13)
  • District 3: Michigan (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis (8-4, #26)
  • District 4: South Florida (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss (9-3, #7)
  • District 5: Notre Dame (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa (11-1, #2)
  • District 6: Oklahoma (11-1, #1) vs. Houston (8-4, #23)
  • District 7: Utah (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force (8-4, #29)
  • District 8: Washington (9-3, #9) vs. USC (9-3, #6)

TIER 2

  • District 1: Harvard (9-3, #9) vs. Villanova (9-3, #14)
  • District 2: James Madison (10-2, #7) vs. North Carolina A&T (9-3, #12)
  • District 3: South Carolina State (8-4, #27) vs. Georgia Southern (11-1, #3)
  • District 4: Western Kentucky (11-1, #1) vs. Southern Miss (11-1, #2)
  • District 5: Toledo (10-2, #5) vs. Akron (8-4, #28)
  • District 6: South Dakota State (8-4, #26) vs. Southern Illinois (9-3, #15)
  • District 7: Tulane (8-4, #22) vs. McNeese State (11-1, #4)
  • District 8: Wyoming (9-3, #13) vs. San Jose State (10-2, #6)

Is many intriguing matchups, from every region of country. Is best system for all fans of American college football.

Playoff structure is simple. ROUND ONE of playoffs is District Championship game. Ranking in Top Power 25 is not a factor in determination of playoff invitation. To qualify, team must finish at top of division standings. If nyet, then Commie Football is saying to this team – “what is you have done lately for me?”

When I am thinking of Commie Football playoffs, nothing else is seeming to matter… but now I am instructing Intern Kyle to locate more music videos of Dzhenet Jackson on Internet.

Week 12: In St. Boz, All of Sooner Nation is Trusting

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St. Boz

Many fans of Oklahoma Sooners is making prayer to holy painting of St. Boz before victory in final game of regular season over Tulsa Golden Hurricane.

REGULAR SEASON IS FINISH

Upon completion of exciting Week 12 schedule, 2015 Commie Football regular season is reaching conclusion. Every fan is now restless with anticipation for Commie Football playoff, when 16 teams is entering tournament to determine true champion of American college football.

Is seeming only short time ago when Buckeyes of Ohio State is defeating Oregon Ducks 42-20 for 2014 championship (da, final result is same as in CFP system). In final week of 2015 regular season, defending champion Ohio State (8-4, #17 rank) is demonstrating difficulty of championship repeat, as Buckeyes is falling to Michigan State Spartans (9-3, #11) by 34-29 score, which is cruel to both, as this result is handing District 3 North division title to hated Michigan Wolverines (9-3, #10)!

Commie Football is world in which superior organization and schedule is producing interesting, unexpected result! Entire realm of American college football can only guess who new, true champion will become!

In meanwhile, drama in District 6 is reaching resolution, as top-ranked Oklahoma Sooners (11-1, #1) is making fresh farsh of little brother Tulsa Golden Hurricane (3-9) in 63-22 victory, to claim North division title over Oklahoma State Cowboys (10-2, #4), and for this reward – an invitation to District 6 Championship game against South division champion, Houston Cougars (8-4, #23).

At this time, you are forgetting about 80 teams not making to playoffs. Teams is now dead, like Trotsky! Think as if these teams is never existing, like American sasquatch (this is not same as yeti of Siberia, which is true living there). Is never too many bowl games with losing-record teams and corporation sponsor named after fruit!

YOU ARE READY FOR TRUE, BEST PLAYOFF SYSTEM, DA?

In korrumpirovanny College Football Playoff system, true opportunity for championship glory is for four teams, only. Teams is winning popularity beauty contest, ruled by alluring Condoleezza Rice. Many is killing and dying in argument over who is 4th best team in country! In superior Commie Football playoff system, is 16 TEAMS in hunt for title! And best yet, because of system of geographic Districts, football fans in every corner of country is having nearby hound in championship hunt!

Here is quick review of Commie Football playoff:

  1. 16 teams (from each Tier) is making to Round 1. Division winners is facing other Division winner from same District in District Championship game.
  2. In Round 2, eight District Champions is playing one another in seeded, single-elimination tournament to determine new champion.
  3. Round 3, is four teams left.
  4. National Championship Game

Is best system to find true champion! All must travel difficult 16-game schedule (12 regular season, then four playoff rounds) to seek ultimate championship glory!

CONTENDERS FOR CHAMPIONSHIP GLORY

TIER 1 PLAYOFF TRACKER

District 1:CONN vs. WVU
District 2:DUKE vs. CLEM
District 3:MICH vs.
MEMP
District 4:USF vs. MISS
District 5:ND vs.
IOWA
District 6:OKLA vs. UH
District 7:UTAH vs.
USAF
District 8:WASH vs. USC
Georgy told me I could say something about the Tier 1 playoffs, since Yale like, totally blew it on Tier 2 this season, and I stopped paying attention a while back (yeah, yeah – but I know they lost to Harvard this week, whatevs). I don’t really know what to say about Tier 1. I mean, at least UConn’s representing the same state, but who’s fooling who? Yale might even be able to beat UConn, looking at their offensive rating.

Here is information for which all college football fans is waiting with much patience. All Tier 1 division winner teams is traveling to District Championship Game (a.k.a. Round 1 of Commie Football playoffs):

  • District 1: Connecticut Huskies (8-4, #27) vs. West Virginia Mountaineers (8-4, #21) – In weak District 1, mediocre 8-4 record is enough to win both division titles! UConn is previous defeating WVU 37-19 long time ago in Week Five, but is now lower in Top Power ranking, with very bad 71st rank offense! But, is ferocious 3rd rank defense carrying Huskies into playoffs. WVU is flying below national radar, like MiG fighter jet, but is ending season with 4-game win streak, including high-pressure final week 43-11 defeat of Penn State (7-5) to seize division!
  • District 2: Duke Blue Devils (9-3, #14) vs. Clemson Tigers (9-3, #13) – Duke is winning final two games of regular season to remain one step ahead of North Carolina Tar Heels (8-4, #18) in standings, despite mediocre, 51st rank offense. Who is responsible for Blue Devils most recent loss? Why, is Clemson in Week Ten! Tigers is also possessing unexciting offense (47th) and defense (27th) output, but is playing overall more difficult schedule than Duke, requiring three victories at end of season to remain ahead of surprise sweetheart of America team, Appalachian State (8-4, #30)!
  • District 3: Michigan Wolverines (9-3, #10) vs. Memphis Tigers (8-4, #26) – Wolverines was #1 Top Power rank team for two weeks consecutive early in season, but is then making stumbles, including losses to Indiana Hoosiers (7-5), Ohio State (8-4), and opponent in championship, Memphis Tigers in Week Six. Tigers is clinching weak South division early on strength of lightning, 9th rank offense, despite strange losses to weak teams such as Vanderbilt (5-7) and Louisiana Tech (5-7).
  • District 4: South Florida Bulls (10-2, #3) vs. Ole Miss Rebels (9-3, #7) – Miracle USF is perhaps most surprise team of season. With good-enough offense (25th) and strong defense (10th), Bulls is going 4-1 in loaded East division, losing only to Florida State (8-4, #15) in entire District! This is including Week Ten victory over Ole Miss, who is making return appearance to playoffs. Defense (24th) is perhaps not as good as last season, but offense (16th) is making pleasant humming sound, winning division on strength of Week Two victory over Crimson Tide of Alabama (9-3, #8).
  • District 5: Notre Dame Fighting Irish (9-3, #5) vs. Iowa Hawkeyes (11-1, #2) – First season in new district is lucky for Irish, who is falling no lower than #18 Top Power rank during entire season, clinching division early so that 35-28 loss to Wisconsin Badgers (8-4, #16) in final game of season is of no importance. Good balance of offense (17th) and defense (15th), and very difficult schedule is making Irish true contender. Hawkeyes is making return to playoffs, this time as top contender with very strong defense (5th), losing only one game in Week Five to… uh oh, it was to Irish!
  • District 6: Oklahoma Sooners (11-1, #1) vs. Houston Cougars (8-4, #23) – Sooners is making return appearance to playoffs, but from different District. Top-rank offense is ensuring many victories with 46 points/game on average. Only loss is in Week Two to “Bedlam” rival Oklahoma State (10-2, #4), who is sad staying home. Houston is losing first two games of season, then exploding with 6th rank offense to win four games in division, including Baylor Bears (7-5). Close Week Ten loss to Oklahoma is giving Cougars hope of victory on second attempt!
  • District 7: Utah Utes (9-3, #12) vs. Air Force Falcons (8-4, #29) – 12th rank defense of Utah is smothering opponents as Utah is winning final five games of season. But this is first meeting of season with Air Force, who is surprise champion of weak South division, playing steady for most part except in embarrassing 71-31 loss to Texas Tech (5-7) in final game of season. How is this score possible for playoff team?
  • District 8: Washington Huskies (9-3, #9) vs. USC Trojans (9-3, #6) – Huskies is having very powerful offense (13th) and defense (11th), defeating USC in Week Six, but then experiencing strange mid-season spell of losing immediately after. Trojans is requiring dramatic final week victory over Stanford Cardinal (8-4, #19) to take South division and return to playoffs.

Later in week is official revealing of all 16 Tier 2 playoff teams. (In meantime, here is hint – Week 12 standings, scoreboard, and Top Power rankings is providing necessary information to know ultimate fate of Tier 2 regular season and playoff lineup. Please keep as secret.)

Promotion & Relegation: Is “Redrum” for Some Teams

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Here is photo Bobby is taking showing vision of Condoleezza in hallway here at emergency secondary headquarters.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking, showing vision of Condoleezza in rare-used corridor of emergency secondary headquarters. Bobby is having long conversation, but is not telling me what Condi is saying, which is making me very angry. VERY VERY ANGRY.

When Commie Football season is ending following Tier 1 and Tier 2 championship games, is natural for to become quiet here at emergency secondary headquarters. In past years, is taking perhaps two or three weeks to make repairs to exterior structure, due to harsh winter climate. Then is many days of hunting wild game in deep forest in order to replenish food storage. Then is perhaps one week more in hyperbaric sleep chamber, for body to repair from injuries of football season. Then, is time for running Soviet supercomputer algorithm to determine promotion and relegation for next season.

What is this meaning? At end of every Commie Football season, some teams is earning promotion from Tier 2 to Tier 1 for next season. Also opposite, some teams is moving down from Tier 1 to Tier 2 in process called relegation. Is very common system to European professional sport league, but is never popular in American sport leagues. Until Commie Football is bringing!

But this is unusual offseason. First, is endless snowstorm and extreme cold temperature, strange even for remote Russia. This is freezing and destroying communications equipment, preventing contact with outside world. Second, is eerie quiet in headquarters, with only sound of low hum in server chamber (and perhaps faint sound of dissonant violins).

Intern Bobby is saying...All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy. All work and no play makes Bobby a dull boy.

Third, is strange behavior of Intern Bobby. After overflowing hot tub like wild animal at end-of-season celebration, Bobby is then forgetting to make critical final season standings and Top Power rankings updates to website. Later, I am discovering missing emergency food supplies, half eaten in Bobby’s chamber wastebasket. Is he finding secret way to pick lock on food storage chamber? Is impossible! Lock is always secure. Also, review of security camera footage is showing that Bobby is in his own chamber most hours.

Finally, I am one day hearing Bobby speaking in corridor. When I am looking, Bobby is standing at one end of long passage, speaking to someone at opposite end, saying “forever and ever and ever.” Wave of excitement is overtaking me as I am seeing vision of Condoleezza Rice at other end of hallway.

In this vision, Condi is beautiful and smiling, but not waving hello. Then is sudden disappearing! I am shaking Bobby by shoulders, screaming “What is Condoleezza saying?! What is latest news on mission to undermine corrupt, inferior College Football Playoff system?!” But Bobby is only staring into distance, never telling what she is having said to him! This is more evidence of Bobby being simple-minded, spoiled American rebenok!

But please, let us return to promotion and relegation. Here is moment you are waiting. Is four teams making leap from Tier 2 to Tier 1 for next football season:


RISE TO TIER 1
:

CSU_2014TXSTAPPUTEP

  • Colorado State Rams (15-1, #1) – After glorious victory in Tier 2 championship game, CSU is now returning to Tier 1 level after three seasons on lower level. Here is good question – is CSU now strongest football program in Colorado SSR? Rivalry games against Colorado Buffs and Air Force Falcons is now again possible.
  • Texas State Bobcats (12-3, #3) – Many college football fans is never hearing of this team. But Texas State is emerging from crazy difficult District 7 West division and advancing to Round 3 of playoffs, before losing to eventual runner-up Western Kentucky.
  • Appalachian State Mountaineers (11-3, #7) – WVU is not only Mountaineers in Tier 1! Appalachian State is rebounding from two losing seasons to become District 2 champion and advance to Round 2 of playoffs, where is losing Texas State. Average attendance is also very strong.
  • UTEP Miners (9-3, #10) – Is perhaps most surprising team to receive promotion, but UTEP is powerful team, only missing playoffs due to great season of Texas State. Average attendance is also higher than many teams already on Tier 1.

Some fans is asking – where is Tier 2 runner-up team WKU? Georgia Southern? Western Michigan, who is remaining unbeaten until losing in first round of playoffs? This is where average attendance is critical measurement. Western Kentucky is having very good season, but as 2013 Tier 2 champion Mean Green of North Texas and runner-up Buffalo Bulls is learning one year ago, not every team advancing to championship is automatic receiving promotion invitation! All Tier 1 teams must have certain level of support from fans.

Now, with four teams receiving promotion, must also four teams receive delegation. Is sad, redrum day for these teams, who will play next season on Tier 2 level:


DROP TO TIER 2
:

  • Bowling Green Falcons (3-9) – BGSU is having bad season, winning only against two other relegation teams and almost-relegated Ohio Bobcats. Is a return of Falcons to Tier 2 after two seasons at top level.
  • Northern Illinois Huskies (3-9) – Here is team experiencing actual success in recent seasons on Tier 1, but is always having terrible attendance. For teams like this, is lesson – relegation is forever only one bad season away!
  • Kent State Golden Flashes (3-9) – Little Kent State is always fighting above weight. Is surviving relegation last season, but is now returning to lower Tier after two bad seasons at top level.
  • Ball State Cardinals (1-11) – Ball State is Tier 2 runner-up in 2012, then is posting winning record on Tier 1 level in 2013. Is surprise to see tiny Ball State playing with big boys, but sharing Indiana SSR fans with Notre Dame, Purdue, and Indiana Hoosiers, miniscule Ball State is attracting less than 10,000 fans to home games on average. Oh, and also is horrible season record. So is back to Tier 2 for Cardinals!

Next post is explaining promotion and delegation on lower Tiers, including teams receiving promotion from Tier 3 to Tier 2 for 2015 season, as well as delegation from Tier 2 to Tier 3 (and do not forget about Tier 3 to Tier 4)!

I am just having thought. Perhaps if I smash Intern Bobby’s door with sharp topor, he is then revealing what Condoleezza is saying to him.

2014 Champions is Perhaps Not Surprise

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With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

With hard shell for head, Brutus Buckeye is not requiring to wear football helmet.

TIER 1 CHAMPION IN ALL WORLDS: OHIO STATE BUCKEYES

Pozdravlyayu to the Buckeyes of Ohio State, champion of the 2014 college football season – in all worlds, including Commie Football! Ohio State is dominating Oregon Ducks 42-20 in Commie Orange Bowl championship game, to end season bathing n eternal glory.

Perhaps this is not surprise. Da, this is second season consecutive in which Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is awarding championship to same team as nonsense system supported by corrupt NCAA. Many fans is asking – what is it meaning when superior Soviet system is producing same result as evil, capitalist system? Some are even saying in whiny voice, “But I liked it better when Commie Football crowned like, a totally random team, like when Utah State won the championship in 2012.”

Is typical American response. Is nobody happy when “surprise” team wins? And is nobody happy when “expected” team wins also?!

Look at weakness of current College Football Playoff system. Committee of idiot judges (except Condoleezza, of course) is picking four teams to appear in playoff. Ohio State is almost not included, due to player injuries, personal bias, and socio-political interest of committee members. Fans of TCU and Baylor is crying tears in Shiner Bock beer, when neither Horned Frogs nor Bears is receiving invitation to miniscule, 4-team CFP playoff.

Here is truth – this will be same argument next season, and season after that, and so on – UNTIL 16 teams at MINIMUM is making playoffs! This season, CFP system is having simple beginner’s luck, including OSU in playoff as low #4 seed as afterthought. But Commie Football supercomputer algorithm is confirming that da, for fact it is the Buckeyes who are best team in college football this season! Only losses is in Week One to USC and Week 11 to Penn State, after OSU is already clinching playoff spot. After defeating top-rank Notre Dame in District 3 Championship game, Buckeyes is beating Tennessee and TCU on way to championship victory over Oregon.

Oregon Ducks (13-3, #2) is runner-up, losing championship and #1 Top Power rank, perhaps due to weakling #35-rank defense. Is second season consecutive that Ducks is losing in championship game. Here is advice – next season, spend more time designing strategy for winning football game, instead of designing fancy uniforms in every color of rainbow, looking like pizhama for children!

In world of Commie Football, TCU (12-3, #3) and Ole Miss (12-3, #4) is finishing with better rank than Florida State (10-3, #6) (who is losing to Ole Miss in District 4 Championship) and Alabama (4-8) (who is not even making to playoff)! Many more surprising results come from final 2014 Standings.

And of course, fans of Baylor Bears (9-3, #12) is continuing to make big bear-size tears, because even in Commie Football, Baylor is good team, but TCU is better. Perhaps is curse of ugly, nonsense, alternate blackout uniform? Spend more time designing strategy for winning football game instead of ugly uniform in non-traditional color for school!

Ram Boy, crying miracle black tears, is becoming most famous superfan of Colorado State.

Ram Boy, crying miracle black tears, is becoming holy icon of Tier 2 champion Colorado State Rams team.

TIER 2 CHAMPIONSHIP: CSU RAMS CLIMB MOUNTAIN, NEXT CLIMB TO TIER 1?

Ohio State is not only championship team in America today! Colorado State Rams (15-1, #1 rank) – looking like champions in glorious orange-and-green uniforms – is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Hilltoppers of Western Kentucky 41-38, a team with frightening, top-rank offense. But in end, it is weak #63-rank defense by WKU that is allowing Colorado State to emerge victorious by only three points.

But CSU is now suffering regret, missing undefeated season due to Week Eight loss to Eastern Illinois Panthers. Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season!

Fans in Kentucky SSR is forgetting sorrows in bottom of illegal homemade whiskey jar, but all is not lost for WKU. After glorious District 5 title and playoff run, fans of Hilltoppers is now hoping that Big Red blob mascot will move up to Tier 1 next season… to perhaps meet Brutus Buckeye on field of battle in District 3?

Intern Bobby is saying...Georgy’s all like (in his accent), “Season is over. You are now going home to America.” But then I’m like, “Uh… this is a FULLLLL YEEEEAR internship, remember? Two semesters. You got me until May, old man.” Finally, he’s like, “Is fine. Is many repairs to be making to concrete roof and rusting pipes of emergency secondary bunker. First, you are fixing problems made when you are overflowing hot tub water into computer server chamber.” Geh…. It was AN ACCIDENT! Like I’m the only one who’s ever drank too much kvass and tried to make an indoor skating rink, AMIRITE?

IS NEXT: PROMOTION & RELEGATION

Excitement of Commie Football is not ending with championship games!

Is no summer vacation! During offseason, Soviet supercomputer is making calculations to determine promotion and relegation of teams between Tiers.

Last season, is much controversy when both Tier 2 champion (North Texas) and runner-up (Buffalo) is not receiving invitation for promotion to Tier 1 level. But look at this – neither UNT nor UB is making Tier 2 playoffs this season! Is more proof that Soviet supercomputer is having more intelligence than simple brain of common American! Intern Bobby is proving this fact to me, every day.

You are returning to website in few weeks’ time for news of promotion and relegation.