TIER 1 CHAMPION: TIGERS OF CLEMSON!
Pozdravlyayu to Tigers of Clemson, champion of 2015 Commie Football college football season! Clemson is defeating USC Trojans 33-25 in Commie Fiesta Bowl championship game, to end season as final team in hot spotlight of eternal glory.
Result is perhaps different than college football fans is expecting. In corrupt College Football Playoff system, Clemson is losing in championship game to Alabama Crimson Tide. But in world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide (9-3, #10) is not qualifying for playoffs! Bama loss to Ole Miss (9-3, #6) in Week 2 is later handing division title and playoff invitation to Rebels at end of season. Clemson is then defeating Ole Miss in playoffs, Round 2 on path to eternal glory, despite mediocre offense (#31) and defense (#22) rankings!
In village of Tuscaloosa, this is tragedy… yet every other village in America is very happy with this result. Is many more surprising results to read in final 2015 Standings.
MYSTERIES OF SUPERCOMPUTER
Is unusual finding of Soviet supercomputer. Despite championship game victory, Clemson is yet finishing season as #2 Top Power rank! Advanced supercomputer algorithm is placing Oklahoma Sooners (13-2) as #1 rank team, despite loss to Clemson in Round 3 playoff game. Is small, meaningless honor for Oklahoma, perhaps good fact for propaganda poster to attract new football recruits. Top Power rank is complex mathematical calculation, and supercomputer is unburdened by weak human emotion.
But is no celebration this day in Norman, Oklahoma SSR. Only in village of Clemson, South Carolina SSR is brief celebratory gathering permitted. There, as reward for successful season, one bottle of good Sovetskoye Shampanskoye is flowing clear and plentiful, like Volga River.
For USC Trojans (12-4, #3), long, unexpected good season is yet having very sad ending, like Tolstoy novel. Following loss to Florida State in Week One, USC is defeating strong division opponents UCLA and Stanford, and collecting enough victories to make playoffs. There, Trojans is utilizing #8-rank offense to avenge regular season losses to both Washington Huskies and Fighting Irish of Notre Dame on surprise path to championship game. Perhaps is not enough strength remaining to win final battle? Perhaps Trojan armor is having small hole, which enemy is exploiting?
TIER 2 CHAMPION: GOLDEN EAGLES OF SOUTHERN MISS
But Clemson is not only new champion team of America college football! Southern Miss Golden Eagles (15-1, #1 rank) is proving it is best team on Tier 2 level by defeating Spartans of San Jose State 43-32 in battle between #1 and #5 offenses on Tier 2 level.
Southern Miss is losing first game of season to weak Eastern Washington team, but is then executing difficult task of winning all remaining games – 15 total, including playoff victory over powerful WKU – to seize championship glory! Due to superior scheduling system, is almost impossible for any team to remain unbeaten for whole Commie Football season.
Spartans of San Jose State (13-2, #2), despite Week Nine loss to division rival UNLV, is making overall impressive season to become second consecutive T2/District 8 representative in championship game.
Is unfortunate situation, but due to ration, supply of Sovetskoye Shampanskoye is limited. Only South Carolina SSR is receiving one bottle. Fans in Hattiesburg, Mississippi SSR is permitted to drink water from Leaf River, infused with bubbles from military air compressor. One liter each, maximum.
SEASON IS COMPLETE. WHAT IS NOW PLAN?
Now is beginning of long college football offseason. But is not meaning is time for lazy American, sitting on fat yagoditsy, thinking only of taking perfect profile photo on VKontakte social website! (This is subtle message, intending for Bobby.)
Is yet much work to do to prepare for 2016 season! First is promotion and relegation, then necessary realignment on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels, and last is creation of new 2016 Commie Football schedule.
Da, supercomputer is also requiring of critical repairs. Is complex pipe network inside supercomputer, to make cold environment, like Siberia just before dawn. Computer power is very hot. Is making big enough heat to supply entire interior of Emergency Secondary Headquarters! Including for hot tub of Bobby (there is other secret hot tub in complex, I am never showing to Bobby).
But if heat is too great, critical components of supercomputer is melting into puddle, like Kolka Glacier, due to recent global warming, due to necessary Soviet nuclear missile training and testing.
When Sibirskiye iris is beginning summer bloom, Intern Kyle is ending internship. Is difficult work to coordinate secret airlift for departure. Location is very remote. I am beginning this paperwork process soon, perhaps tomorrow. First step is requiring completion of webform on Internet, which I am asking Bobby to do. Is unusual. Bobby is completing this task very quickly….
WHO WILL BE TRUE CHAMPION? USC TROJANS OR CLEMSON TIGERS?
World of Commie Football is intriguing, parallel universe, bringing order to old chaotic system of determining American college football champion. Simple-minded critic is saying that Commie Football supercomputer is calculating impossible result, as when Utah State Aggies is winning 2012 championship. But in both 2013 and 2014 seasons, Commie Football supercomputer is crowning same champion (Florida State, Ohio State) as ludicrous CFP system. Then, is more complaints, asking always in whining American voice – what is this to prove, when superior Soviet system is producing same result as idiot, capitalist BCS or CFP or NCAA or CIA system?
Is simple. Even young Kazakh child is understanding. Corrupt capitalist system, such as nonsense NCAA, is sometimes having good luck! Or, sometimes is same, obvious true best team in all universes of college football.
But 2015 is different, little bit. First, is both underdog teams winning in Round 3 playoff semifinal, eliminating Oklahoma Sooners (#1 Top Power rank) and Notre Dame (#2). One winning team – Clemson Tigers (12-3, #3) – da, is also contender for championship in corrupt CFP system. But other team – USC Trojans (12-3, #2) – is perhaps surprise contender to college football fan.
Is interesting, but where is so-called “CFP champion” Crimson Tide of Alabama? In world of Commie Football, Bama (9-3, #10) is not even receiving invitation to playoff, due to Week Two loss to eventual District 4 West champion Ole Miss Rebels (10-4, #6).
Do you hear this? In world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide Nation is, at end of regular season, crying like baby without raw goat milk! You are now liking this Soviet system already more, da?
Behold! Here is Round 3 playoff results:
Game: Aloha Bowl
Location: Honolulu, HI
Final Score: Clemson 37, Oklahoma 17
Notes: Score is perhaps not surprise to follower of inferior CFP college football system, but in world of Commie Football, is great upset loss for top-rank Oklahoma (13-2, #1 rank yet, despite loss). Not only is Sooners losing opportunity for eternal championship glory, but is also falling in offense rank to #2 position, behind hated archrival Cowboys of Oklahoma State (10-2, #7). Is bringing back bad memory of time when all Oklahoma SSR was holding breath!
Sooners is now losing in second Aloha Bowl, consecutive. Perhaps is spending too much time sleeping on beach like lazy morskoy lev, rather than practice football. Since losing two early games in season to Appalachian State (Week 3) and Stanford (Week 4), Clemson is 10-1, losing only to Georgia (Week 9). Will Tigers prevail in hunt for championship?
Game: Peach Bowl
Location: Atlanta, GA
Final Score: USC 34, Notre Dame 33
Notes: In rematch of Week Eleven game between fierce rivals, Trojans of USC (12-3, #2) is making revenge on Fighting Irish (11-4, #4), finding path to victory this time by one point only, to advance to championship game. USC #6-rank offense is sneaking by Irish defense, but can same offense perform better vs. stronger Clemson #22-rank defense in championship?
Trojan vs. Tiger… is reminding of gladiator battle in ancient Colosseum of Italiya SSR….
For Notre Dame, is second season to lose in playoffs, but finish in top 5 Top Power rank. Perhaps luck of Irish is only taking so far. This is why luck of Russian is superior in end.
INTERROGATION ROOM CONCLUSION
Finally, I am finding paper with passcode information to unlock interrogation chamber, to set free Intern Kyle and Bobby after many days. Is very frustrating. I am searching with much effort, many rooms of Emergency Secondary Headquarters, but finding nothing.
One day, I am taking break from search, allowing brain to remember frustrating, unresolved plot question within old episode of American “Friends” television program, and am deciding to access this episode using Netflix via satellite feed, for research purpose. I am asking Bobby through bars of interrogation chamber for Netflix account passcode. He is saying it is written on piece of paper in scrapbook he is keeping in bedroom chamber.
I am already knowing of this scrapbook, but have not been reading recent entries. There, I am finding piece of paper with writing of BOTH NETFLIX AND INTERROGATION CHAMBER PASSCODES! Then, I am discovering that Bobby is using SAME PASSCODE for Netflix as code for unlocking interrogation chamber door! For the love of Condoleezza! Is insecure to use identical passcode for multiple purpose! Here is more reason why Bobby is idiot!
You are thinking that Alabama Crimson Tide is winning national championship game over Clemson to finish exciting 2015 season?
NYET! This is incorrect. In truth, inferior College Football Playoff is mere “warming up” to primary event – Commie Football Playoff! And in world of Commie Football, Crimson Tide is not making playoffs, due to second-place finish behind Ole Miss in District 4 West standings. For first time since 2012 season, is impossible for having exact same Commie Football champion… as in corrupt NCAA system.
Why is this? In inferior CFP system, to determine champion is only tiny, 4-team playoff. Commie Football is making strong argument in vintage blog post for expansion of college football playoff to include more teams. This plan is requiring improved organization and schedule formula to make fair for all college football teams. Only then, can fans of winning team enjoy moment of true, pure ekstaz of champion, before return to work in mining operation, munitions factory, or agricultural collective.
In processor of Commie Football supercomputer, is 16 teams now in hunt for eternal championship glory! Two representatives from each 8 geographic Districts compete in first round of playoffs (which is District Championship game).
Behold! You are now seeing Round 1 results of 2015 playoffs:
Location: East Rutherford, NJ
Final Score: West Virginia 26, Connecticut 24
Notes: Is successful season already for mediocre Mountaineers, who is finally seizing South division title from usual winner Penn State in final week of regular season. Now seeking revenge against Huskies due to embarrassing 37-19 loss in Week Five, WVU is proving to UConn (and entire world!) who is new czar of District 1. Is true, District 1 is historical weak district. Mountaineers is now winning five games consecutive, but is facing most difficult test in Round 2 playoff game vs. powerful Fighting Irish of Notre Dame (of District 5).
Location: Charlotte, NC
Final Score: Clemson 43, Duke 24
Notes: Tigers is defeating Duke for second time this season (first victory was Week Ten), climbing now to top ten Top Power ranking for first time in entire season. In world of Commie Football, Clemson offense/defense rank is unimpressive, but Tigers is winning games when is critical for advancement, so is now on to Round 2 of of playoffs vs. Ole Miss Rebels (of District 4).
Location: Nashville, TN
Final Score: Memphis 26, Michigan 25
Notes: Clemson is not only Tiger in playoff, as miracle Memphis Tigers is surprising world again, defeating Michigan for second time in season (also Week Six) to complete glorious rise to top of District 3. How is happen? #9-rank offense of Tigers is proving superior to #9-rank defense of Wolverines, by only one point. For Michigan, humiliation is great – Wolverines were #1 Top Power rank for two weeks early in season, but now is return home to Michigan SSR with wolverine claws ripped out of paw, like common only-in-house-living kitten. But celebration in Memphis is brief, for Tigers is now to face #1 Top Power rank Oklahoma Sooners (of District 6) in Round 2.
Location: Tampa, FL
Final Score: Ole Miss 37, South Florida 26
Notes: Rebels of Ole Miss is now winning second District 4 championship, consecutive. Is this true upset victory? Da, USF is having higher Top Power rank before game, and da, Bulls is already defeating Ole Miss in Week Ten. But USF schedule is soft, like warm, spreading maslo! Ole Miss, despite unusual losses to USF, Miami, and Arkansas during regular season, is playing schedule of defending division champion, which is making better prepared for ultimate playoff battle! Round 2 is bringing Clemson Tigers (of District 2) into arena!
Location: Chicago, IL
Final Score: Notre Dame 27, Iowa 25
Notes: After loss to Wisconsin in District 5 Championship last season, Hawkeyes is raising new expectation of fans, losing only one game during 2015 regular season. Notre Dame is also losing in first round, District 3 championship last season. But Week Five victory vs. Iowa, who is playing weak schedule, is now proving prophecy, when Fighting Irish is now seizing District 5 championship game! With good offense (#19) and defense (#17) balance, Irish is proving too steady, like Soviet ballistic missile, for #8-defense of Iowa, who is returning players to off-season labor in massive corn-processing collective. Notre Dame is advancing to Round 2 of playoffs vs. West Virginia Mountaineers (of District 1).
Location: Dallas, TX
Final Score: Oklahoma 35, Houston 23
Notes: Top-rank Sooners is having much experience of playoffs, winning District 7 championship last season. Oklahoma is now boasting of title in new district (due to realignment in off-season), following easy victory vs. Cougars of Houston. With #1-offense on Tier 1, Sooners is now #1 Top Power rank for five weeks, consecutive. Only imperfection during season is Week Two loss to rival Oklahoma State, but Cowboys is losing division race and is missing playoffs. One time climbing to #10 Top Power rank, Houston Cougars is losing three of final four games, including in Week Ten already to OU, as well as lowly UTEP in Week Twelve! Sooners is now facing feisty Memphis Tigers (of District 3) in Round 2… who is having history of shocking upset victories.
Location: Glendale, AZ
Final Score: Utah 31, Air Force 23
Notes: With now six-game win streak, Utah Utes is finally climbing to #10 Top Power rank, to accompany #10-defense rank. But, Utes is also playing very weak schedule – is this mask of weakness? Utah fans will know after Round 2 playoff game vs. USC Trojans (of District 8). For Air Force Falcons, is yet feeling of honor to be champion of weak South division. Highlight of season is upset victory over then-#9 Top Power rank Washington Huskies in Week 8.
Location: San Jose, CA
Final Score: USC 36, Washington 21
Notes: In competitive Week Six game, unbeaten Washington is defeating USC, but now in District 8 Championship, Trojans is tasting revenge! Finally, is erase bad memory of losing to Oregon last season in title game! Trojans is building steam cloud, like locomotive, all season with #6-rank offense and difficult schedule. For Washington, is much frustration as very good Huskies offense (#14) and defense (#13) is now only to work in off-season log-cutting factory. USC is facing Utah Utes (of District 7) in Round 2 of playoff.
IS NATURAL TO WANT MORE. BUT ROUND 1 IS NOT YET FINISH!
In one day, perhaps two – after I am finding passcode to open lock on interrogation chamber where Bobby and Intern Kyle is trapped – Commie Football supercomputer is calculating first round of Tier 2 playoffs, which is identical in organization to Tier 1.
Next week is results for Round 2 of playoffs (both Tier 1 and 2) when advancing teams is seeded 1-to-8, based on most recent Top Power rank. Highest-seed team is playing lowest-seed team, like common-sense tournament. As tribute to ancient era, seven remaining playoff games is played in traditional bowl game location: [from east to west: Orange (Florida SSR), Peach (Georgia SSR), Sugar (Louisiana SSR), Cotton (Texas SSR), Fiesta (Arizona SSR), Rose (California SSR), and Aloha (Hawaii SSR)]. Higher-seed team in matchup is choosing location for each game.
Here is Round 2 schedule (for Tier 1):
- (1) Oklahoma (12-1, #1) vs. (8) Memphis (9-4, #15) – Cotton Bowl
- (2) Notre Dame (10-3, #3) vs. (7) West Virginia (9-4, #14) – Orange Bowl
- (3) USC (10-3, #4) vs. (6) Utah (10-3, #9) – Rose Bowl
- (4) Ole Miss (10-3, #5) vs. (5) Clemson (10-3, #8) – Sugar Bowl
Sooners is choosing to make shortest trip, only to Dallas in Texas SSR, but is also not far for Memphis Tigers. If leaving today by wagon, team will arrive in time for game. Bowls of Peach, Aloha, and Fiesta is remaining playoff game locations.