Week Three: Beware of Duck, Falling from Sky

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Is mystery how beaver could operate airplane?

Is mystery how beaver could operate airplane? Only in USSR is military scientists training animals for combat using modern machinery.

ALL ANIMAL IS HUNTING, KILLING, DEVOURING DUCK

Every week, is many surprise in Commie Football. As example, in Week Three of 2015 season is simultaneous losing of both teams from 2014 championship game. Ohio State Buckeyes, perhaps looking too far at future opponents Michigan and Notre Dame, is overlooking Hoosiers of Indiana (mere 3-9 record last season), and is losing in shock 28-21 upset defeat. Most surprise is sudden fall of Oregon Ducks, two-time consecutive loser of PUACF championship game, who is now losing ALL games, dropping to pathetic 0-3 record after disaster 43-31 defeat by rival little brother team of Oregon SSR, Beavers of Oregon State. At bottom of District 8 North division, is playoff hope of Ducks already dead like Trotsky?

Why is this happen? Due to superior logic of Commie Football schedule, best teams from one season is playing more difficult schedule in next. Same team winning most games for many consecutive seasons is indeed rare, like delicate Fabergé egg.

TOP POWER RANKING IS BIGGER, MORE BETTER

Who is true Top Power?Only idiot is making college football ranking before Week Three of season! Is why Commie Football is waiting until now to reveal new Top Power Ranking, result of complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm. Always to provide more information, position of all 96 teams on both Tier 1 and Tier 2 levels will be updated for display every week. Top Power system is based first on most important statistic – NUMBER OF VICTORIES. Next is combination of many factors – strength of victory, strength of opponent, and critical measures of offense and defense output. This number is called TP SCORE and is showing overall relative strength of team versus other team with same number of victories.

In world of Commie Football, every team is playing fair schedule. Elimination of all cupcake games against teams from inferior level is meaning every victory is true challenge, and meaningful measure of strength. Is impossible for almost all teams in District to have winning record, like in corrupt SEC or Big 12 conference of old times!

After three games of 2015 season, here is new “Top Dawg” in town! Unbeaten Georgia Bulldogs is debut #1 Top Power team of 2015, following impressive victories over Michigan State, South Carolina Gamecocks, and hated rival Georgia Tech Yellowjackets.

Remainder of debut Top Power Ranking is here. After Bulldogs, rest of top ten is this: West Virginia, Florida State, UCLA, Ole Miss, Mizzou, Michigan, Rutgers, Notre Dame, and Kansas State.

You are now thinking – where is powerful MSU Spartans? Why is lack of respect for TCU Horned Frogs and Bears of Baylor? Is important to recognize – is natural for Top Power Rankings to experience many change during season, in same way beautiful Ural Mountain meadow is changing through season from wild-growing flowers to deep, impenetrable ice and gangrene.

Here is review of Week Three stories from Tier 1 Districts:

  • District 1: Rutgers is yet unbeaten (3-0, #8) after 28-11 victory vs. Boston College; Also unbeaten UConn Huskies (3-0, #15) is defeating Syracuse 29-26 in OT; WVU (3-0) is destroying rival Terps of Maryland 45-6.
  • District 2: Is shock, shame in Clemson after Tigers is fall victim to 21-13 upset by new Tier 1 teamAppalachian State (2-1); Blue Devils of Duke (2-1) is fighting to top of District 2 North with 33-22 victory over Wake Forest; NC State (1-2) is proving superior to Tarheels of North Carolina, 30-23.
  • District 3: Memphis Tigers (2-1) is top District 3 South team after huge 64-24 destruction of Arkansas State Red Wolves; Unbeaten Wolverines of Michigan (3-0, #7) is alone top District 3 North after 29-12 victory over Ohio Bobcats; Michigan State (2-1) is feeling lucky to have narrow 34-33 win vs. Bearcats of Cincinnati.
  • District 4: Unbeaten FSU (3-0) is defeating USF Bulls 29-12 to debut at #3 Top Power rank; Ole Miss is moving to 3-0, #5 rank following easy 49-11 defeat of Ragin’ Cajuns of Louisiana-Lafayette; LSU (3-0, #14) is past difficult test, beating tough like skin of cow Mississippi State 22-20.
  • District 5: Northwestern Wildcats (3-0, #16) is lifting glorious Land Of Lincoln Trophy following 31-25 defeat of Fighting Illini; Mizzou (3-0, #6) is topping crowded District 5 South after 35-19 defeat of Nebraska Cornhuskers; Fighting Irish of Notre Dame (3-0, #9) is claim mythic Shillelagh Trophy after 51-34 defeat of rival Indiana SSR team Purdue.
  • District 6: Sooners of Oklahoma (2-1) is making many fine points in 68-24 victory over SMU; Oklahoma State (2-1, #19) is making large statement in 44-41 OT victory vs. Horned Frogs of TCU; Texas A&M (3-0, #18) is showing rival Texas Longhorns who is top sheriff of Texas SSR in 29-24 victory.
  • District 7: Texas Tech Red Raiders (2-1) is improve position after 47-34 defeat of Arizona State Sun Devils; Boise State (2-1, #20) is claiming epic 41-38 OT victory over Utah Utes; Colorado Buffalos (2-1, #24) is scoring unusual 24-0 shutout victory over BYU.
  • District 8: Bruins of UCLA (3-0, #4) is taking easy 42-15 victory over Hawaii Rainbow Warriors to sit top District 8 South; Stanford (3-0, #17) is defeating winless Aztecs of San Diego State 40-22, tying with Bruins for South division lead; Huskies of Washington (3-0, #12) is drinking from delicious Apple Cup trophy after 33-24 victory vs. hated rival Wazzou.

IS TOO, TIER 2

Do not forget about intense competition on Tier 2 level! Is only 16 teams remaining with unbeaten 3-0 record, with many interesting names at top of Tier 2 Top Power rankings: Bowling Green (#1); William & Mary (#2); Toledo Rockets (#3); Princeton (#4); San Jose State (#5); James Madison (#6); Salukis of Southern Illinois (#7); FIU (#8); 2014 runner-up Western Kentucky (#9); and McNeese State (#10). Like Tier 1, Tier 2 Top Power Rankings is very volatile early in season. Yet is true, best measure of strength of all teams!

STAFF UPDATE

“Member of Staff” Bobby is prancing about, puffing chest like vazhnichat’, due to perfect 3-0 record of Harvard Crimson (#11), in spite of Bobby now being expelled from this school! Nemesis Yale football team is beginning season opposite way, already with 0-3 record. This is causing Intern Kyle (who is prestigious “red shirt” member of Bulldogs team) to become very angry, breaking logs for furnace with forehead, instead of using provided handsaw.

Week Two: Fear & Confusion!

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putin-confusedIn early weeks of new American college football season, many fan is visiting Commie Football website and seeing surprise upset defeat of strong team by seeming weak team. Is causing fear and confusion. Why is this result? Is part because strong team (such as defending champion Ohio State Buckeyes) is yet experiencing hangover from too much celebratory shampanskoye and is playing sloppy football in early games of new season. But is also part because Commie Football supercomputer is penalizing strong team who is scheduling weak, cupcake opponent from different Tier for automatic win!

MISS_2015

In celebration of Week Two 43-37 victory over hated rival, Crimson Tide of Alabama, Ole Miss is making official, permanent change from dark blue to light blue helmet color, which is reminding of beautiful reflection of Siberian sky in still waters of Lake Baikal.

You are seeing this happen in Week Two of Commie Football season, when seeming strong team such as Oregon Ducks is falling like Berlin in 1945 to weak Washington State Cougars, by score 36-29! Auburn Tigers is also losing to weak Bulls of South Florida, by score 31-28! Once mighty Louisville Cardinals is losing to seeming weak Red Wolves of Arkansas State (who is ironic having strongest nickname in college football), by score 28-15! Weak American military preparatory school Army Black Knights is somehow finding strength to defeat District 1 bully Boston College Eagles by low score of 14-8!

Is Soviet supercomputer technology broken? Nyet, comrade. Many game scores is meeting fan expectation, with few surprise twist!

In Commie Football, superior organization and schedule matrix is making for more difficult journey to championship glory for all teams. Only true strongest team is able to conquer 12 regular season plus four playoff games without losing at least one game. After only two weeks of new season, is only 25 of 96 teams on Tier 1 level yet unbeaten! In NCAA, is seeming every FBS team “unbeaten” with two or three cupcake opponent in fat, pig stomach!

So I’m helping Georgy run his score calculations, and he goes, “What is this?” and mutters something in Russian (first I’ve heard him speak in days, btw). Then he says “Yale Bulldogs is losing in both week one and week two, first to Central Arkansas, then to Ivy League rival Brown.” What can I say, man? First off – I’m not there to help out, so those losses aren’t mine. Second – I can’t help it if Yale gets penalized for scheduling Cornell and Colgate (“Tier 3″ teams, according to Georgy). I mean, Harvard scheduled Rhode Island, so it’s not like they’re booking top-flight non-Ivy competition, you know? Season’s still young, dude – nobody’s panicking!

I guess Harvard is like, totally crushing Yale in the Commie Football standings so far. You’d think I’d brag about it more – you know, higher U.S. News & World Report ranking, higher average ACT/SAT/AP scores for incoming freshmen, higher Commie Football ranking – I mean, Harvard’s pretty much better than Yale in all measurable statistical categories, right? Thing is, I’m still a little bit hurt about begin expelled, so I’m having some mixed feelings right now about The Yard. I mean, in some ways I still bleed Crimson. Then again… don’t we all? Ha! Get it, because technically we all have red blood? OMG. Anyway – the other reason I don’t want to brag too much is because I’m afraid Kyle might beat me senseless.

Here is few other interesting Week 2 game results:

  • Ohio 18 vs. Ohio State 26
  • Indiana 20 vs. Michigan State 53
  • TCU 54 vs. Tulsa 37
  • Baylor 79 vs. Texas State 33
  • Illinois 18 vs. Notre Dame 39
  • Georgia 52 vs. South Carolina 20
  • Louisiana Tech 27 vs. LSU 42
  • San Diego State 18 vs. UCLA 46
  • Florida 7 vs. Florida State 12
  • Oklahoma 33 vs. Oklahoma State 54

WHERE IS TOP POWER RANKING?

Top Power ranking is to return following Week Three games. Only fool is revealing premature power ranking early in season, using inadequate data! Three games is minimum requirement of Commie Football supercomputer to have adequate data for proper calculation.

To demonstrate how ranking with limited data is making no sense, supercomputer is placing Washington Huskies as #1 team after Week One. This week, is now Notre Dame Fighting Irish, follow by Georgia, Iowa, West Virginia, UCLA, Northwestern, Washington, Mizzou, Florida State, and Rutgers.

There, you are now reading premature top 10 teams! You are happy? Nyet, you are more confused!

WHERE IS TIER 2?

Rich, lazy Ivy League is finally playing football games like rest of nation, so Tier 2 standings and scoreboard is now complete. On Tier 2 level, is only 30 of 96 teams yet unbeaten.

Here is few interesting game results:

  • Bowling Green 55 vs. Eastern Michigan 19
  • Alabama A&M 25 vs. Western Kentucky 75
  • Alabama State 11 vs. Jacksonville State 41
  • Buffalo 22 vs. Toledo 38
  • Central Michigan 42 vs. Western Michigan 24
  • Georgia Southern 46 vs. Mercer 13
  • Grambling 24 vs. Louisiana-Monroe 19
  • Harvard 30 vs. New Hampshire 10
  • Idaho 36 vs. Montana 29
  • New Mexico 22 vs. New Mexico State 56
  • North Dakota State 25 vs. South Dakota State 35

Tier 2 Top Power ranking is also premature, but #1 rank is held at this time by Bowling Green Falcons, who is perhaps having something to prove following Tier 2 relegation in off-season. Behind BGSU is Stony Brook, William & Mary, San Jose State, James Madison, Toledo, Georgia Southern, Princeton, FIU, and UMass.

There, you are now seeing premature Top 10 rankings from Tier 2! This information is confidential. Please, no distribution. Many men is gladly dying to protect.

Week One: You Are Hearing Large Boom?

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2015 Commie Football season is beginning

CUPCAKES FOR LAZY AMERICANS

Is peculiar tradition of NCAA college football, where strong team is playing weak, cupcake opponent in first game (or three) of season. Cupcake team is receiving many dollars to endure brutal beating in front of hostile crowd, who is drooling like rabid wolf and becoming frenzy as scoreboard is climbing to ludicrous score! Fans is then driving home to American suburb house very happy, stuffing face with Big Mac hamburger, thinking favorite team is certain to enjoy undefeated championship season!

So, you know how it’s like, the time of changing seasons? College football season starting… the short Russian summer turning into brutally cold Russian fall? The new intern from Yale coming in and messing up my flow? Anyway – speaking of seasons – we finally made it through all 10 seasons of “Friends” and I thought it was even better the third time around! You just catch so many more details, you know? And Georgy absolutely got waaay into it. After it was done, he was like “Let us watch continuing story of Josef Tribbiani” and I was like YESSSSS and so we did. All 46 episodes. Didn’t sleep for days.  I’m just gonna say it – that show totally did NOT get the respect it deserves!It took longer than expected to rebuild the satellite feed equipment, but that wasn’t my fault. I had found a sweet set of tools in one of the supply chambers and was all ready to work. Then Georgy says he wants me to hold off until we finish the final two seasons of “Friends.” He goes something like, “We must find how beautiful love story of Ross and Rashel is ending.” Spoiler alert. They live happily ever after. So when it’s finally over, it takes like, 10 minutes for me to fix the feeds and monitors. What’s the first thing Georgy wants to do, now that we have restored satellite communications? I hear Bobby over there whining and whispering in Georgy’s ear, and G suddenly goes “We must find out ultimate fate to story of Josef Tribbiani.” I don’t know, bro – I’m really starting to wonder about this internship.

In Commie Football, is very different. Innovative schedule formula is making top Tier 1 teams from previous 2014 season play other strong teams in Week One. Cupcake game against true weakling opponent is impossible! Every subsequent week is important, difficult battle. Only true strongest team is winning Division, then District, then three more playoff games against top opponents, to win championship.

Only cupcake is at ceremonial meal following championship game. Is customary reward for head coach of winning team to eat (if there is available sugar).

Ohio State Buckeyes is 2014 champion. No team in history is ever making repeat champion of Commie Football! Who will be 2015 season champion? You are feeling excitement?

Here is highlight scores of top games on Week One Schedule, pitting best teams from previous 2014 season:

  • Florida State 30 vs. USC 28
  • Ole Miss 54 vs. Oregon 22
  • Penn State 13 vs. TCU 29
  • East Carolina 15 vs. Ohio State 38
  • Georgia 34 vs. Michigan State 22
  • Arizona State 16 vs. Notre Dame 38
  • Mississippi State 14 vs. Stanford 23
  • Baylor 30 vs. West Virginia 32
  • Clemson 33 vs. Louisville 21
  • Arkansas 22 vs. Temple 27

Some results is surprise to you? You must remember – complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm is penalizing teams who is scheduling cupcake game! When Michigan State is having much struggle against weak Western Michigan (who is good Tier 2 team in Commie Football), algorithm is utilizing information as mathematical factor. When high-power Baylor Bears is allowing many points to tiny, who-is-this, Tier 2-level Lamar Cardinals, Soviet algorithm is punishing Bears.

You are finding complete Week One scoreboard at this link. Da, okay… so in truth, is not quite complete scoreboard.

WHY IS NOT QUITE COMPLETE SCOREBOARD?

Soviet supercomputer algorithm is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation. Is few teams on Tier 2 level – all from lazy Ivy League (home of Intern Kyle and former intern, now “member of staff” Bobby, who is especially lazy) – who is not playing football games yet in 2015 NCAA season. Is impossible for Soviet supercomputer then to crunch these data. Once every team is playing game, then supercomputer is having proper data and all Commie Football game scores is being calculated. You must be patient, like famous Soviet sharpshooter Vasily Zaytsev.

WHERE IS NEW TOP POWER RANKING?

Only idiot is making ranking of strongest teams following first game of new season! As example, is Huskies of Washington who is #1 Top Power rank after Week One results. Data is yet imperfect. Soviet supercomputer will begin making true Top Power calculation, to begin after Week Three of PUACF season.

Commie Football Will Be There For You, Beginning Next Week

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druzya-banner Is first weekend of 2015 American college football season, but where is Commie Football results?

You are forgetting already! Commie Football season is not begin until Week Two of NCAA football regular season. Why is this? Is because Soviet supercomputer is requiring proper data to make accurate calculation of Commie Football scores. Beginning of 2015 PUACF season is next week. You are finding 2015 season schedule here.

SATELLITE FEED IS JOKE, IS BROKE

Here at Secondary Emergency Headquarters, is having recent problem. After previous intern (now member of staff) Bobby is playing with satellite feed like children’s toy, only video showing on security monitors is episodes of idiot American television program “Friends”. Is playing in endless loop, 24 hours every day!

COLLECT ALL CARDS
(click to make big):

ross-nd
rashel-oregon
monika-bama
chandler-osu
phoebe-texas
joey-fsu

To keep brain from disintegrating into bowl of cold, moldy kasha, I am thinking always of college football while watching tragic love story of Ross and Rashel. Is true to admit, I am learning many things about meaningless capitalist American culture from this show. As example, each character is perfect symbol of American college football program:

  • ROSS GELLER is supposed “smart” character, expert in study of dinosaur era, but unable to find glory in present time. Is dating many women throughout story, but is never able to keep commitment, long-term. Whining is becoming louder each season, like spoiled child having tantrum. Is believing to be superior, but running away when danger is confronting. Ross is FIGHTING IRISH of NOTRE DAME. Bonus: Karol is former wife of Ross, now in relationship with Syuzan, just as USC Trojans is having more healthy relationship with Stanford Cardinal!
  • RASHEL GREEN is always wearing clothing and haircut of latest fashion, attracting much attention. But inside is shallow, like receding waters of Aral Sea. Is gazing always at beautiful reflection in mirror, but becoming panic in stressful situation. Rashel is OREGON DUCKS. Bonus: Rashel is leaving former fiance Barry, just as Oregon is leaving former archrival Washington Huskies! Surplus Bonus: Gunther is loser working in Central Perk kafe, who is having obsession with attractive looks of Rashel. This is Baylor Bears!
  • MONIKA GELLAR is craving competition, becoming aggressive with any slight perception of disrespect. Is also vstrevozhennyy, wanting control in every situation, insisting to only do her way, always. In past, Monika was typical fat American, but now, even when beautiful, is needing to prove superiority always, because is still feeling ugly inside. Monika is ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE. Bonus: Monika is having on-off relationship with Richard, who is older man set in ways, uninterested in change. Just like Ole Miss Rebels!
  • CHANDELIER BING is living easy life with much money, yet is always making loud, mean joke as defense to feel superior and hide secret hatred of self. Is mere cog in anonymous, capitalist finance corporation. Is also wearing woman’s sweater vest always, which is famous garment of recent popular college football coach. Chandelier is OHIO STATE BUCKEYES. Bonus: Chandelier is sometimes running into old girlfriend Janice, who is having loud, annoying voice like braying donkey. This is also Michigan Wolverines!
  • In USSR, FEBA BUFFAY would spend rest of life in psikhiatricheskaya bol’nitsa. Is pretending to be child of flowers, but is former street criminal and drug addict, even now making threat to friends. Is playing rudimentary folk guitar and singing unlistenable song about cat in Central Perk kafe. Presence is making no sense. Drug addict, guitar, cats – is much like American city of Austin, in Texas SSR. Feba is TEXAS LONGHORNS. Bonus: Feba is having twin sister Ursula, who is being cruel and cold, like Siberian winter, to former family members, just like Texas A&M!
  • JOSEF TRIBIANI is typical American male, head filled with kholodets, interested only in eating neighbor’s food and spreading STD disease. Is failing actor, unable to pretend to be anything but idiot. Nonsense saying “How you doin’?” is somehow magic spell to attract next victim. Josef is SEMINOLES OF FLORIDA STATE. Bonus: Josef is having sister named Gina, who is strong of spirit and looking good, but is often bringing shame to family with brash behavior. Is like Miami Hurricanes!

Da, I am also watching few episodes of “Joey” television program (spinoff of “Friends”) to satisfy curiosity about future of Josef Tribbiani. Curiosity is only lasting three, maybe four episodes, maximum.