2015: Is Promotion & Relegation Odyssey

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Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking when is locked outside hatch door during freezing night, when emergency secondary headquarters security computer system is being taken over by Condoleezza Rice.

Here is photo Intern Bobby is taking in failure attempt to email to me, when Bobby is locked outside hatch door during freezing night, due to emergency secondary headquarters security computer system becoming temporary infected with spirit of Condoleezza Rice.

Last month, Commie Football is announcing details of promotion and relegation between Tier 1 and Tier 2 for upcoming 2015 season. Is exciting day for fans of Colorado State Rams, Texas State Bobcats, Appalachian State, and UTEP – four teams who are moving up to Tier 1 after successful 2014 season on Tier 2. But is also very bad day for fans of Bowling Green, Northern Illinois, Kent State, and Ball State, who will move down one level after ugly 2014 season.


RISE TO TIER 2
:



DROP TO TIER 3
:



DEAD, LIKE TROTSKY
:

In Commie Football, promotion and relegation is process to ensure every team is playing on appropriate level, to maximize fair competition. Two critical measures – on-field performance as measured by Top Power rank, and off-field program strength as measured by attendance data – determine fate and ultimate playing level of each team every season.

But in order for Soviet supercomputer to make proper score calculation every week, is necessary to also promote and/or relegate teams on very low Tier 3 and Tier 4 levels. Today is day of great joy for some! Also, is day of many tears for others.

Because of successful 2014 season on Tier 3 level, here is list of five teams receiving promotion from Tier 3 to Tier 2 for 2015 season:

  • Alcorn State Braves (Lorman, Mississippi SSR)
  • Grambling State Tigers (Grambling, Louisiana SSR)
  • Mercer Bears (Macon, Georgia SSR)
  • Morgan State Bears (Baltimore, Maryland SSR)
  • Western Carolina Catamounts (Cullowhee, South Carolina SSR)

Here is list of four teams receiving relegation notice, dropping from Tier 2 to Tier 3:

  • Elon Phoenix (1-11) – After consecutive 1-11 seasons, is time for Elon to move down to level where competition is more, how you are saying? More easy?
  • Southern Utah Thunderbirds (4-8) – Like Siberia, many areas of Utah SSR is not having many people living. Perhaps this is why SUU is attracting barely 3,000 fans per game. 6-6 record is saving Thunderbirds from relegation after 2013 season, but team is not good enough in 2014.
  • Tennessee-Martin Skyhawks (3-9) – 2013 was first season for UTM on Tier 2 level, when team was finishing surprise 9-3 and almost making playoffs. But low attendance during bad 2014 season is dooming team for return to Tier 3.
  • UC Davis Aggies (1-11) – UCD is bad team for three seasons consecutive on Tier 2 level, so now is time to try for better outcome on Tier 3.

Oh, and also do not forget about UAB Blazers (5-7), who is meeting same fate as Leon Trotsky and will be playing no more college football on any level in 2015!

Intern Bobby is saying...Yeah, so the other day, Georgy sends me outside to get more firewood for one of the furnaces, so I’m out there, like, all paranoid about another wild raccoon attack. So of course, when I come back with my arms full of like, sticks and stuff, the hatch door is totally locked. I start banging on it and yelling for Georgy to open the door, and there’s like, no answer. Then this weird voice comes over the intercom: “I’m sorry, Bobby. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” and I’m all like, WHAAA? and I go “What’s your problem, Georgy? Stop messing around!” because I figured he was still mad from when I went all catatonic last month, and then the voice comes on again, and it goes, “I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.” and then I’m like – wait a minute, because the voice is speaking perfect English and it sounds like a woman, and I’m like – OMG is that freakin’ Condoleezza Rice talking?

Long story short – I had to spend the night outside, freezing my tush off under this torn-up camouflage tarp I found, and Georgy *finally* comes looking for me at sunrise, and claims he knows nothing about the hatch door thing. Annoying!

Anyway, my internship ends in a few weeks (I think?). I guess I’m having like, sorta mixed feelings about it? On the one hand, I’ve learned a lot. Granted, I’m not really sure I’ll get Harvard credit for things like tracking and killing wild turkey with a machete, or gutting and prepping a raccoon carcass. Or, chipping huge blocks of ice from an active computer server without electrocuting myself.

On the other hand, Boston probably did get a lot less snow this winter than whatever part of Russia I’m in right now, amirite?

Further down – in nether regions of American college football – here is list of teams receiving promotion up to Tier 3 from Tier 4:

  • Alderson-Broaddus Battlers
  • Bentley Falcons
  • East Tennessee State Buccaneers
  • Kennesaw State Owls
  • Limestone Saints
  • McKendree Bearcats
  • Mississippi College Choctaws
  • New Mexico Highlands Cowboys
  • Northwood Timberwolves
  • Notre Dame (OH) Falcons
  • Paine Lions
  • West Liberty Hilltoppers
  • West Virginia Wesleyan Bobcats
  • Western Oregon Wolves

And here is list of teams receiving relegation notice, moving down from Tier 3 to Tier 4:

  • Adams State Grizzlies
  • Brevard Tornados
  • Chowan Hawks
  • Clarion Golden Eagles
  • Lane Dragons
  • McMurry War Hawks
  • Merrimack Warriors
  • Minnesota State–Moorhead Dragons
  • Minot State Beavers
  • Northeastern State Riverhawks
  • South Dakota Mines Hardrockers
  • Southern Connecticut State Fighting Owls
  • Urbana Blue Knights

FUTURE ACTIVITIES OF OFFSEASON

Next during offseason is geographic realignment of districts and divisions, based on team movement between Tiers during promotion/relegation phase. When this is complete, updated team map is being revealed. Then, is new schedule for 2015 season.

Oh, and is also almost time to purchase print advertisement for new college intern, in American newspaper. Perhaps I am making Bobby write this.