Is glorious day. All American college football fans is losing breath from waiting with excitement! Is even more glorious than arrival of fresh shipment of dehydrated goat’s milk, which is remaining stable for many years on shelf of underground bomb shelter.
Is official release of schedule for upcoming 2015 Commie Football season (click link to see). Week One games is beginning on weekend of September 12. Every team is playing games for 12 weeks consecutive, with final game on last weekend of November.
As always, Commie Football schedule is optimized for ensuring good competition to all teams, and most enjoyment for every American college football fan. Favorite team is never playing weak, cupcake opponent, due to logical organization of Tiers and innovative schedule matrix. Schedule is also stuffed, like savory pelmeni, with many interesting games between natural, regional rivals, as well as many games pitting strongest teams in country, who is never meeting in nonsense, archaic “conference” system of past!
Here is few interesting facts about 2015 Commie Football schedule:
1. 2015 season is beginning with many large bangs! You are liking games between “big-time” college programs? Behold opening weekend schedule, and then struggle to prevent drool from causing short-circuit of computer keyboard:
- Florida State vs. USC
- Ole Miss vs. Oregon
- Penn State vs. TCU
- Georgia vs. Michigan State
- Notre Dame vs. Arizona State
- Mississippi State vs. Stanford
- West Virginia vs. Baylor
- Clemson vs. Louisville
- Miami (FL) vs. UCLA
- Iowa vs. Boise State
Is only small taste, comrade. Superior schedule formula is ensuring many top-quality games every week of season!
2. Because of unique method of ranking every team within each district (based on previous season record), all non-district games is against team with same rank, so schedule is being more fair for all teams.
3. Even with advanced schedule formula, sometimes is important rivalry game that is falling through crack. Schedule is leaving one space (Week 11) as “open” for any missing rivalry game, so every team who is having big rival in different division/district is able to schedule important game, for maximum enjoyment of fans. As example, here is some games that happen in Week 11 this season:
- Georgia (District 2) vs. Florida (District 4)
- Oklahoma vs. Texas (both District 6, but different divisions)
- Florida State vs. Alabama (both in District 4, but different divisions)
- Notre Dame (District 5) vs. USC (District 8)
- Army vs. Navy (both in District 1, but different divisions)
- Oregon vs. Stanford (both in District 8, but different divisions)
- UCLA vs. Cal (both in District 8, but different divisions)
- West Virginia (District 1) vs. Marshall (District 3)
- Virginia (District 1) vs. Virginia Tech (District 2)
- Indiana (District 3) vs. Purdue (District 5)
- TCU (District 6) vs. Texas Tech (District 7)
Because of superior Commie Football schedule, is no more crying of fans for missing favorite rivalry games!
4. Every college football team is spending less money for travel. Cost of travel is very large struggle for many football programs. Especially in face of looming petrol shortage (is necessary for Premier Putin to demonstrate power to weak, ungrateful leaders of western Europe). In Commie Football system, every team is grouped according to geography in District, so cost of travel to most games is not so high as in old system. Student athletes is very comfortable riding in mule-drawn wagon for short trips.
IS MUCH WORK FOR ONLY ONE MAN
Even with 192 teams total in Tier 1 and Tier 2, production of season schedule is simple task for Soviet supercomputer. Most years, all that is requiring is sufficient fuel and firewood for steam-power server to continue complex algorithm calculation. But this year, task is much more difficult, due to constant attention required by needy Intern Bobby.
You are remembering from last month, Bobby is suffering many serious injuries to body during mistaken attack from Soviet gunship helicopter. Bad news is Bobby is yet wrapped in bandages, from head to puny, American toes. Good news is proximity to advanced medical care facility here in emergency secondary headquarters, including use of hyperbaric sleep chamber (da, da – is technically yet “experimental”).
Also good news is this – Bobby is unable to speak, so is much less constant noise. However, Bobby is now sometimes attempting communication through jerking movement of head, perhaps to give Morse Code message. Unfortunately, chopping and dragging of firewood, hunting of food, and constant replenishment of IV fluids is leaving little time to translate head movements into words.
Also, is little bit zhutko – or as you say this in English – “creepy”.