Week Four: Rebels is Capturing #1 Top Power Rank

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Here is photo showing confrontation between Red Army soldiers and alleged leader of Ole Miss Rebels, known as Colonel Reb. Is only one to two dozen tailgating fans being killed, maximum.

[CLICK FOR ZOOM] Here is photo showing confrontation between Red Army soldiers and alleged leader of Ole Miss Rebels, alias “Colonel Reb”. This is location near The Grove tailgate party in Oxford, Mississippi SSR. Is only small number of casualties at tailgate.


Is very unpopular word to members of central politburo. When early draft of this blog post is being sent to Goskomizdat for fact-checking, top officials is making small mistake, calling for Red Army to invade town of Oxford and crush Mississippi SSR rebellion. Commie Football is making apology for this happening! Good news is that official number of deaths is much smaller than first reports in American underground media!

Other good news is for fans of unbeaten Ole Miss Rebels, who is taking new #1 spot in Top Power 25 supercomputer ranking after glorious 23-0 beatdown victory over winless Jayhawks of Kansas in Week Four of Commie Football season. Rebels is replacing in top rank Texas A&M Aggies, who is also yet unbeaten, but is perhaps not winning with same feel of domination. Schedule is also being very nice for Ole Miss so far, with opponents who are not winning even one football game yet this season!

Week Four is featuring games with all teams from one District playing all teams from other District. Here is summary of important Week Four game results all around country (do NOT get this information from American underground media!):

  • District 1Temple Owls (4-0) is continuing rare, historic era of unbeaten glory with 28-11 win over Huskies of Washington, and flying high to #5 Top Power ranking; Penn State (3-1) is suffering first defeat of season, 46-16 to powerful Bruins of UCLA; this is creating three-way tie at top of South Division with Virginia Cavaliers (3-1, #22), who is surprise handing first loss to Oregon State, 40-11, and WVU (3-1) who is winning close 30-29 vs. Wazzou.
  • District 2: East Carolina (3-1) is tied for lead in North Division after 43-31 defeat of Texas Tech; NC State (3-1) is suffering first loss of season in 42-27 upset by Air Force; Kentucky Wildcats (4-0, #14) is continuing surprise season with 38-31 defeat of Colorado.
  • District 3: Notre Dame (4-0, #8) is already running away with North Division, three games ahead of pack after 44-7 ass-kick of sad SMU; Ohio State Buckeyes (3-1, #16) is leader in South Division, is eating much more victory rice than Rice University, who is being beaten by score of 48-24.
  • District 4: Ole Miss is not only undefeated team from Mississippi SSR! Quietly, like KGB agent, Mississippi State Bulldogs (4-0, #13) is remaining unbeaten after 36-18 victory over Illinois; Auburn Tigers (4-0, #9) is taking care of Northern Illinois by score of 45-18; oh, and also do not forget about 2013 champion Florida State Seminoles (4-0, #7), who is yet unbeaten following difficult 38-31 victory over defending District 5 champion Mizzou.
  • Speaking of District 5: Wisconsin Badgers (3-1, #25) is latest team to humiliate mysterious, underperforming, winless Crimson Tide of Alabama, by score of 23-20; Northwestern (3-1, #19) is beating UCF 28-12; Golden Gophers of Minnesota (3-1) is in North Division race with 24-10 victory over Vanderbilt; in South, Nebraska Cornhuskers (3-1, #20) is handling Miami Hurricanes 28-18; Hawkeyes of Iowa (3-1) is also winning 26-14 vs. Arkansas State.
  • District 6: Razorbacks of Arkansas (4-0, #11) is crushing Bowling Green 56-29; in West Division, is three unbeaten teams – Texas A&M is falling to #3 Top Power even with 43-28 victory over Cincinnati Bearcats; TCU Horned Frogs (4-0, #4) is continuing impressive start to season with 43-14 humbling of Marshall; sneaky Baylor Bears (4-0, #10) is showing it is still top team with 30-24 win over Louisville Cardinals.
  • District 7: Oklahoma Sooners (4-0, #15) is leading South after 39-34 close win vs. Clemson; Boise State (3-1) is very close 32-31 defeating of Tarheels of North Carolina; BYU (3-1) is in tie for North after 42-22 defeat of Georgia Tech.
  • District 8: Stanford (4-0) is climbing to #2 Top Power rank, after easy 46-13 victory over Navy; keeping Cardinal company at top of South Division is UCLA (4-0, #6) and USC (4-0, #12); Oregon State Beavers, Washington Huskies, and Oregon Ducks (#23) is all tied with 3-1 record at top of North Division.
A "Chanticleer" is a breed of ferocious rooster. Is pronounced "SHAN-TICKLER" like device used for tickling.

“Chanticleer” is rare species of ferocious rooster. Is pronounce “SHAN-TICKLER” like device that is used for tickling enemies. Is very common weapon in coastal villages of South Carolina SSR.


On Tier 2 level, everyone is learning proper way to say “Chanticleer” now that Coastal Carolina is 4-0 and #1 Top Power rank after defeating Coyotes of South Dakota 29-13. But is yet undefeated teams in every District of Tier 2.

UTEP Miners is making big leap from #9 to #3 in Top Power rank after 45-27 victory over previous unbeaten North Carolina A&T. Also making big jumps in Top Power rank is defending District 6 champion North Dakota State (from #17 to #5) who is beating defending District 3 champion South Carolina State 25-8. Texas State, Yale Bulldogs, Stephen F. Austin, and Alabama State is all surprise unbeaten teams moving into top 10 of Top Power rankings (calculated by advanced Soviet supercomputer).

But do not be dismissive of two very top teams from last season! North Texas Mean Green (3-1, #21) and Buffalo Bulls (3-1, #25) is both recovering from early season loss to now move into Top Power 25 after tough victories of Week Four. Season is yet young, like first growth of July springtime vegetation, under hard, icy soil of vast Siberian steppe.


If citizens of Mississippi SSR is loving this place “The Grove” and enjoying this thing named “Hotty Toddy” — is best course of action to not speak of rebellion.

Week Three: Return of Top Power Ranking

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Who is true Top Power?Week Three of 2014 Commie Football season is now written in history book. Every team is having played two other teams from same Division, so “order of pecking” is looking more clear to all American college football fans.


Many fan is excited to see return of Top Power 25 ranking system. Is happening because of complicated Soviet supercomputer algorithm. Is very best way to rank American college football teams, because is based on most important statistic – NUMBER OF VICTORIES. In world of Commie Football, because every team is playing fair schedule, with elimination of all cupcake games against teams from inferior level, every victory is hard work and true measure of strength! And oh – is not possible to have 3/4 of teams in District with winning record, like in SEC or Pac 12 conference of old times!

Next important part of algorithm is where Soviet supercomputer is becoming necessary. Is taking combination of factor – strength of victory, strength of opponent, and critical measures of offense and defense output. This number is called “TP SCORE” and is showing overall relative strength of team versus other team with same number of victories.

This is much better solution than panel of American college football “expert committee” featuring former Secretary of State of old USA (before Soviet takeover). Is better than large group of “pollsters” picking favorite local team every week, even if team is having less victories than team in other administrative district. Is better than team having most dollars from wealthy capitalist “booster” collective, and this team is now top of ranking and stupid Americans is thinking this is mystery of how?!

Here is first Top Power 25 ranking of season. Only idiot is making ranking before Week Three of season! Making debut at top of 2014 Commie Football Top Power 25 ranking is Aggies of Texas A&M (3-0). Rest of top five is including Ole Miss, Stanford, TCU, and Baylor. Champion from last season Seminoles of Florida State, is appearing at #6. Razorbacks is somewhat surprise at #7, but biggest surprise is unbeaten Temple Owls at #8.

I am understanding how you are now thinking – this early ranking is very interesting, but is maybe changing very much before end of season. Where is Crimson Tide? How is Temple Owls from weak District 1 in top 10?

If this is how you are thinking, you are needing to have deep breath! Is very natural for Top Power 25 to experience big change during season, like ugly duckling that is one day growing into delicious goose, in time for ceremonial end-of-year slaughter.

Intern Bobby is saying...Bobby’s back in the shack! Hey guys – I’m like, super sorry about what happened on Twitter last week. Long story short – I “accidentally” sent out a bunch of tweets at the same time, and Georgy screamed at me (repeatedly… and now stuck on an endless loop in my brain) “LIKE PK MACHINE GUN!” I didn’t think it was that big a deal, you know? But Georgy likes everything to be *ideal’no* – you have to start the fire with small wood, you can’t nick the potatoes when you’re digging with a metal shovel, you have to close all the HTML tags, or whatever. Anyway – he kicked me off of tweeting for a few days, and I had to do this huge, miles-long, hike through the woods BY MYSELF to some random mailbox positioned along this gravel road out in the middle of nowhere to fetch “very critical parcel”. I totally got frostbite, and I was all worried about carrying it so far, but it turned out to be like, the size of a penny – some computer part or something. Got lost on the way back and had to sleep in this like, abandoned missile silo or something. Georgy was all worried when I got back, and even gave me an extra cup of hot tea (and surprise, no sugar). I’m out!

Here is review of stories in Tier 1 Districts:

  • District 1: Unbeaten Temple Owls (3-0, #8) is dominating Syracuse (1-1) 27-10; Nittany Lions of Penn State (2-0, #10) is beating old rival West Virginia (2-1, #22) 35-23; Navy (2-1) is ruining perfect record of Virginia Cavaliers (2-1).
  • District 2: Surprising Kentucky Wildcats (3-0, #13) is taking down Clemson (1-2) 26-21; Also surprising NC State (3-0, #17) is tackling rival Duke (1-2) 20-11; In big rivalry game, Georgia Bulldogs (2-1) is swatting with hand Yellowjackets of Georgia Tech (0-3) 29-13.
  • District 3: Notre Dame (3-0, #16) is yet perfect following 32-23 victory over Michigan State (1-2); Ohio State Buckeyes is showing still dominant in South Division, is beating Marshall Thundering Herd (1-2) 41-18; Last year power Louisville Cardinals (2-1) is maybe waking up, is destroying Golden Flashes of Kent State (0-3) by 33-5 score.
  • District 4: What is happening to Crimson Tide (0-3)? Is surprise losing again, this week to Ole Miss (3-0) (who is surprise #2 Top Power rank)! Defending 2013 champion Florida State (3-0, #6) is easy defeating rival Gators of Florida, but is not at #1 Top Power rank! Auburn (3-0, #9) and Mississippi State (3-0, #11) is also yet unbeaten.
  • District 5: Every team in District is losing one or more game. Wisconsin (2-1) is showing no mercy to Fighting Illini (1-2), is winning 69-19;  Cornhuskers (2-1, #24) is close beating Iowa 31-27; Mizzou (2-1) is winning close 24-21 Border War victory over rival Kansas Jayhawks (0-3).
  • District 6: District is having four teams in top 10 power rank. Aggies of Texas A&M is #1 rank after 58-6 massacre of SMU (0-3); TCU Horned Frogs (3-0, #4) is surprise high rank after 29-18 win over UTSA (1-2); Baylor Bears (3-0, #5) is making dominant 30-19 win vs. Longhorns (1-2); Also do not forget about Razorbacks of Arkansas (3-0, #7), who is making surprise easy mincemeat on LSU (2-1, #21).
  • District 7: Oklahoma Sooners (3-0, #17) is best team in District by Top Power rank, is beating Arizona Wildcats (1-2) 45-41; Utah Utes (1-2) is winning Holy War 30-25 victory over BYU (2-1).
  • District 8: Oregon State Beavers (3-0, #15) is showing California Golden Bears (2-1) what is meaning to be unbeaten! Also, UCLA (3-0, #12), USC (3-0, #14), and Washington Huskies (3-0, #19) is yet unbeaten.


Twenty-five percent of 2014 season is also finish on Tier 2. Is yet 23 teams with unbeaten 3-0 record, with many familiar names at top of Tier 2 Top Power rankings: Chanticleers of Coastal Carolina (#1), Villanova (#2), Colorado State Rams (#3), Appalachian State (#4), Old Dominion (#5). Further down list, a few unfamiliar names is appearing: Charlotte (#6), North Carolina A&T (#7), etc. As in Tier 1, Top Power rankings is more volatile early in season, but is true, best measure of strength of all teams!

Important note – now that Ivy League football is finally playing games, Commie Football game results for Week One and Week Two is now also being complete. Intern Bobby is very sad, because alma mater Harvard Crimson is having terrible start at 0-3. Is maybe too much time studying useless academic books, not enough time practicing football game!

Week Two: Who is Singing American Blues Song?

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Here is story in newspaper about famous American blues singer Bo Diddley, who is performing most famous composition "John B. Good" using only Russian balalaika.

Here is story in newspaper about famous American blues singer Bo Diddley, who is performing most famous composition “Ivan B. Goode” using only Russian balalaika.

Early weeks of American college football season is confusing time, when fan is sometimes seeing unexpected upset of strong team, defeated by weak team. This is because strong team is playing at so-so, instead of elite, level in early games, and is also maybe scheduling weak, cupcake team from different tier. This is hurting results in Commie Football supercomputer.

Ducks of Oregon and Crimson Tide of Alabama is two teams always near very top of Top Power ranking. They are maybe thinking same as many, lazy American that it is destiny or will of capitalist God to be in hunt for playoffs every season!

Week Two of 2014 Commie Football season is reminder game to both teams that for every game on schedule, is important for giving maximum performance! Oregon is losing with embarrassment to Golden Bears of California 29-25, and Crimson Tide is falling 26-23 to weak Memphis Tigers, a team only playing on Tier 1 level for first time this season following promotion! Metropolis of Memphis is mythical home of American blues music genre. This is why all of Alabama SSR (and Oregon SSR) is now singing American blues song.

Here is other news following Week Two schedule:

District 1: Temple Owls (2-0) is surprise all alone at top of North Division after upset 22-14 victory over Rutgers (0-2). Penn State (2-0) is taking dermo on archrival Pitt (1-1), 32-15. West Virginia and Cavaliers of Virginia is also remain unbeaten.

District 2: Gamecocks of South Carolina (1-1) is proving might to Georgia Bulldogs (1-1), winning by 38-35 final score. “Unbeaten Kentucky” is phrase I am surprised to be typing, but Wildcats are winning big 53-28 vs. Georgia Tech (0-2). NC State (2-0) is other unbeaten team in District, after defeating Virginia Tech 39-19.

Is week of blowout victory in District 3, where Buckeyes of Ohio State (1-1) is destroying Kent State Golden Flashes by 66-0 score. Also looking like contender is Bowling Green Falcons (1-1), following 63-24 victory over Ball State. Thundering Herd of Marshall (1-1) is also scoring many points in 56-21 victory over surprising bad Cincinnati Bearcats (0-2). Only unbeaten team in District is Notre Dame, after 25-15 victory over Michigan Wolverines (0-2).

All District 4 is feeling shock after huge 26-23 upset of Memphis Tigers (2-0)  beating Alabama (0-2). Auburn (2-0) is taking Florida Gators (1-1) by tail with 34-29 victory. Ole Miss (2-0) is raising all eyebrows after scoring 59 points in victory over Vandy (0-2). In East Division, is of course Florida State and LSU both unbeaten.

District 5: Huskies of Northern Illinois (1-1) is feeling with confidence as best team in Illinois SSR, but Fighting Illini (1-1) is having different opinion, and is winning 44-34. Hawkeyes of Iowa is only unbeaten team left in District, following narrow 25-23 victory over Kansas Jayhawks (0-2).

District 6: Texas A&M Aggies (2-) is defeating archrival Longhorns of Texas (1-1) by score of 29-13. Baylor Bears (2-0) is continuing with strong look, showing newcoming UTSA (1-1) who is boss of Texas SSR, 38-27. SMU (0-2) is somehow scoring 4 points in loss to rival TCU Horned Frogs (1-1).

In District 7, Oklahoma State (1-1) is maybe being little bit bully toward in-state cousin Tulsa Golden Hurricane, with sickening 72-11 victory. Utah State Aggies is still showing that 2012 championship victory is not fluke, is beating rival Utah Utes 36-31. In bragging right game of Arizona SSR, it is Sun Devils of ASU (1-1) defeating Arizona Wildcats (1-1) 33-29 and plundering glorious Territorial Cup to Tempe.

Biggest news from District 8 is defeat of Oregon Ducks (1-1) by Golden Bears of California, who is now surprise 2-0. Outcomes of other games is how you are maybe expecting. Is yet six unbeaten teams in District.

WHAT IS HAPPENING ON TIER 2? Is also many good and surprise games on Tier 2 in Week Two. But is still early in season, is no Ivy League games yet for supercomputer data, is no Top Power rankings yet released, and results is maybe to be ingested with pebble of salt.

A few things: Florida A&M (1-1) is finally snapping 13-game streak of losing with 25-22 victory over rival Bethune-Cookman (0-2). Eastern Illinois (0-2) who was surprise power team last season, is losing 36-7 to Missouri State. New relegated team Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks (1-1) is looking bad in 21-12 loss to Stephen F. Austin (2-0).

FACT THAT IS FOR HAVING FUN: 1960 album Bo Diddley is a Gunslinger is evidence of underground sympathy against government, and is primary crime for which Bo Diddley is later dying in Siberian gulag.

Week One: Is Many Big Bangs

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wk1-many-big-bangsIn old times of NCAA, all American college football teams is playing cupcake opponent in first week (or more) of season. Many teams at top FBS level is then bragging about undefeated record and fans is thinking this team is for destiny to be BCS champion! As season is progressing, undefeated teams is having argument about who is best ranking, because teams is never playing game against each other until executives for bowl game named after corporation is thinking they are making many rubles for certain teams to meet in this game on television.

In Commie Football, innovative schedule formula is set in iron, is making top Tier 1 teams from previous season play other strong teams, one following another. Such thing as easy cupcake game is not existing! Every week is tough game against Tier 1 opponent, and only true strongest team is winning Division, plus four playoff games against top opponents, to win championship. Only cupcake is at championship meal after season. Is customary reward for head coach of winning team to eat (if there is available sugar).


OMG. So I’m *psyched* that the season has finally started! Especially because Georgy had me doing all of this weird stuff – gathering wood, digging potatoes, polishing his bayonet collection, etc. and I was all like “What does this have to do with football?” and he’s like “You are seeing this American movie – Karate Kid? Comrade Miyagi?” And I’m like, “Old man – that movie was made before I was even BORN!” I mean, who am I? Like, Nostradamus?! Anyway, I was always pretty good at math, so I’m helping Georgy with all of his “secret spreadsheets”. Oh, and I also started whittling. Peace out!




Is very difficult for Commie Football champion to repeat two years consecutive. 2013 champion Seminoles of Florida State is continuing as strong team in Week One of 2014 season, but Utah State Aggies, only two seasons later from glorious 2012 Commie Football championship, is now being destroyed 41-5 by Florida Gators in opening week. Here is other highlights of top teams from last season on Week One Scoreboard:

  • Florida State 35, Oklahoma State 26
  • Oregon 39, Louisville 26
  • Oklahoma 31, Alabama 21
  • Auburn 40, Boise State 19
  • Georgia 40, Connecticut 15
  • Texas A&M 36, Northwestern 18
  • Baylor 41, Missouri 13
  • USC 20, Ohio State 18
  • LSU 23, Wisconsin 16
  • Virginia Tech 24, Boston College 18
  • UCLA 33, Michigan State 26
  • Stanford 23, Michigan 9

You are finding complete Week One scoreboard at this link. Well… is almost complete scoreboard.


Commie Football scoreboard is based on complex Soviet supercomputer algorithm, but supercomputer is requiring proper data (and many pieces of firewood) for program to make proper calculation. When temperature outside is too dangerous cold for gathering of firewood, Intern Bobby is chopping up wooden furniture to feed to supercomputer. But when few teams, for example Cincinnati Bearcats (Tier 1, District 3) and all Ivy League teams on Tier 2, is not playing any football games yet, is impossible for computer to crunch these numbers. When all teams are playing games, then supercomputer is having proper data and all old game scores is then being calculated.


Soviet supercomputer is also needing complete data for making Top Power calculation. Is only idiot who is making rankings of best teams, following first game of new season.