In Sochi, All is Very Beautiful & Perfect

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A message from Premier Putin to ungrateful world. Nightmare Bear has same message.

When Winter Olympics is coming to Sochi, many Americans is looking for reason to be poking fun of Russia, because of bad feeling from times of Cold War. But Ronald Reagan is losing this war long time ago! Is now new era when Premier Putin is bringing peace and prosperity to all peoples, from Mother Russia to troublesome stepchild America.

Despite this, here is seven ways America is still not understanding culture of Russia:

  1. America is saying two toilets in bathroom is not better than one toilet! How is this so? If you are having to use toilet, but wife is already using, you are having to release der’mo out back door, into pen where you are keeping pigs. Pigs is then eating, and then you are slaughtering pig, so you are eating disgusting, same excrement once again in breakfast! This is why two toilets is better than one toilet.
  2. During glorious Opening Ceremony, many Americans is making complaint when only four of five rings of Olympic symbol is lighting. Is not accident! Number five ring is one representing Americas. This is way of government to say to America, “When you are watching Olympics on home black-and-white television set, KGB is also watching you and your family at same time.” Is way for government to show citizens who is true boss. Most of world is understanding.
  3. Many is laughing when stupid man from American team is getting trapped in bathroom, so is having to break down door to escape. Is because American is not knowing how to turn Russian doorknob! Something every small child in Russia is doing everyday! How is this fault of Sochi hotel?
  4. Is complaints from American athletes about dangerous condition of some competition sitessnowboarding halfpipe, luge track, slopestyle (whatever this is), downhill ski course – is not standard, is too fast, is too bumpy, list is going on longer than Volga River! Are you Olympic-level athlete, or are you winning gold medal for crying like child, complaining that goat’s milk is not warm enough before bedtime folk tale?
  5. Some is saying is too many stray dogs in Sochi and this is problem. Putin is very happy when American is wanting to adopt stray Sochi dogs. KGB plan is working! Maybe you are taking dog into home, or to daytime job at Pentagon. Is even better!
  6. Others is saying adorable Olympic mascot bear is frightening to children, is having eyes that are moving in unnatural way. Who is really having more frightening eyes? Olympic mascot bear or American broadcaster Bob Costas? America is showing bias.
  7. Still more is saying figure skating competition is rigged. If so, why is Russia not also winning silver and bronze medals? Adelina Sotnikova is making upset win in women’s figure skating. Is beautiful Russian girl with very difficult routine. Who is complaining? Judges is voting her best. But world is angry because she is from Russia! Is poor sportsmanship.

So what if Russia is winning most medals of all Olympics? Is best country, best athletes, best facilities for Olympic competition in whole world, so is not surprise. Also, is only one worker killed during whole Olympics. By coincidence, is man responsible for running Opening Ceremony light show.

Ticket is for Only One Way

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Advanced promotion & relegation system of Commie Football is making certain every team is assigned to proper Tier.

Last week, website is giving details of Tier 1 promotion and relegation for 2014 football season. Is good day for Memphis, UTSA, and Hawaii – but not-so-good day for Louisiana-Monroe, Toledo, and San Jose State.

Same joy/pain is also to feeling on Tier 2, Tier 3, and Tier 4. You are maybe thinking – “Tier 3? Tier 4?! Why is no detail of these Tiers on Commie Football website?” Is good question. Commie Football system is rethinking all of American college football from top to bottom, but Soviet supercomputer is only calculating scores for top two Tiers at present time. Is yet early part of five-year plan. Data for lower Tiers is classified. Men will gladly die to protect. But for purpose of proper calculation, is critical to know every Tier of all college football teams.

You are remembering that promotion/relegation is being decided by combination of Top Power rank and attendance average for home games. After running calculation, it is decided that three teams are to be promoted up to Tier 2 for 2014 season:

  • Georgia State Panthers
  • Yale Bulldogs
  • Charlotte 49ers (is actually moving up from Tier 4!)

And so is sad part – here is three teams who are to be relegated from Tier 2 to Tier 3:

  • Arkansas-Pine Bluff Golden Lions (2-10, District 6)
  • Murray State Racers (3-9, District 4)
  • Indiana State Sycamores (3-9, District 5)

Note: Is some teams, like Southern Utah Thunderbirds, who is having very low attendance and is seeming to be destiny for relegation to Tier 3. But, because team is finishing with 6-6 record, this team is not eligible for relegation. Only teams with losing record can be making relegation.

Finally, at lowest levels of American college football – here are teams moving up to Tier 3 from Tier 4:

  • Brevard Tornados
  • Florida Tech Panthers
  • Houston Baptist Huskies
  • Lane Dragons
  • Mercer Bears
  • Minnesota-Moorhead Dragons
  • Saint Joseph’s Pumas
  • South Dakota Mines Hardrockers
  • Stetson Hatters – Note: Is very funny nickname.
  • Stillman Tigers

And here are teams now moving down from Tier 3 to Tier 4:

  • Bentley Falcons
  • Black Hills State Yellow Jackets
  • Lake Erie Storm
  • Livingstone Blue Bears
  • Millersville Marauders
  • New Mexico Highlands Cowboys
  • Northwood Timberwolves
  • Notre Dame (OH) Falcons
  • Southwest Baptist Bearcats
  • Tiffin Dragons
  • Western Oregon Wolves


Next during college football off-season is geographic realignment of divisions, based on new teams moving between Tiers in promotion/relegation. Then, is new schedule for 2014 season.


Up & Down, Like Mir Space Station

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Up with Tigers, Roadrunners, and Rainbow Warriors! Down with Warhawks, Rockets, and Spartans!

Up with Tigers, Roadrunners, and Rainbow Warriors! Down with Warhawks, Rockets, and Spartans!

One of greatest things about Commie Football system is happening after season is concluding. Is when some teams, after having very good season on Tier 2, is being moved up to Tier 1 for next season. Is exciting to see what teams is making to next level. Is also help to maintain overall top quality of Tier 1. Is giving hope to Tier 2 program, that with improving, can it reach very top of college football world!

But here is other side of ducat – when new team is moving up to Tier 1, at same time a bad Tier 1 team is having to move down to Tier 2, sinking like Nazi U-boat to bottom of cold Baltic Sea. Is always 96 teams on both Tier 1 and Tier 2. This is process called promotion and relegation. Is very common system to European professional sport league, but is never catching on in American sport leagues. Until Commie Football is bringing!

You are asking question – how are teams to be chosen for promotion or relegation in Commie Football? Is requiring complex calculation of Soviet supercomputer to determine, with two factors as being primary – one is final Top Power rank of team for previous season; other is attendance for all home football game, on average. Top Power rank is showing strength of football team, and average home attendance is showing strength of football program.

When every factor is being input into supercomputer, final result is sometimes not what American football fan is expecting. As example, here is three teams moving up from Tier 2 to Tier 1 for 2014 college football season:

  1. Memphis Tigers (12-3, Top Power #4) – Tigers is winning Tier 2/District 4 championship game vs. Chattanooga, and losing close game to Buffalo in playoff semifinal game. Is not surprise pick for promotion.
  2. UTSA Roadrunners (9-4, Top Power #12) – Roadrunners is winning division, but is losing District 7 championship game to eventual Tier 2 champion North Texas. Is maybe, little bit surprise pick for promotion.
  3. Hawaii Rainbow Warriors (7-5, unranked). Here is most surprise pick. Is only having mediocre season, but supercomputer is saying Rainbow Warriors is deserving promotion because attendance is so good, is even better than some Tier 1 teams. Is showing is strong program, even if nickname is having symbol making to think of sissies! Is 21st century. PUACF is accepting of all nicknames.

Every year, is fans being angry with promotion/relegation announcement. Soviet supercomputer is not having human emotion, so is not afraid of controversy. Right now, fans of North Texas Mean Green and Buffalo Bulls is feeling surprise and anger. Izvinite, but here is thing – even best Top Power Tier 2 teams is only making promotion if average attendance at home stadiums is enough large. Maybe one more championship season on Tier 2 level is helping bring more fans to stadium?

So, here is three teams who is falling from Tier 1 to Tier 2 for 2014 season:

  1. Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks (1-11, #95 Top Power) – ULM is almost worst team in Tier 1 this season (only South Florida is having worse season), and is also having very low attendance. Is not surprise for relegation. Fans of Ragin’ Cajuns are having good laugh.
  2. Toledo Rockets (2-10) – Is not even worst team in District 3 (see Ohio Bobcats) but is having much worst attendance. Instead of flying high in sky, Rockets is falling like Mir back to Earth. Fans of Bowling Green Falcons is having good laugh.
  3. San Jose State Spartans (4-8) – Spartans is having even less attendance than Warhawks of ULM. San Francisco area is maybe having too many Tier 1 teams, also with Stanford and California Golden Bears. Nobody is having good laugh, because SJSU is not having arch rival. Maybe is part of problem with attracting fans to stadium.

All three teams is having played on Tier 2 before, so is no strangers there. Good news for team falling to Tier 2 is sometimes is immediate becoming one of best teams, and is making Tier 2 playoffs! Is good question for fans – you are rather cheering bad Tier 1 team, or championship Tier 2 team? What would Karl Marx say?

Promotion and relegation is not only on Tier 1 level! Is also necessary process for lower Tiers after every season, with teams moving between Tier 2 and Tier 3, Tier 3 and Tier 4, etc. Will cover in next blog post here on website. Also, is geographic realignment of all Tiers because of new teams. Is meaning new map. You are seeing that Commie Football is busy during whole year!